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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend stood me up but says it's my fault. Is it?

313 replies

Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 09:47

Hi
My friend and I go through periods where we go for a walk in the morning ( 5.30am)

We just started up again- went once and then made plans to do it again the next day. We agreed via text that we wouldn't go if it was pouring with rain.

Next morning, I got up ( 10 mins before the meet time) get dressed and go to her house and wait outside. She lives very close. All lights are off, no movement. I wait. I didn't want to knock due to the time.
I'm not in the habit of bringing my phone with me, so I finally go home and pick up my phone.

She had WhatsApp d me before 5 to see if I was up. I turn my phone wifi off at night, and didnt check it before I went to meet her.
I then replied that i hadn't been up then,but i did go to meet her.
She replied with laughing emojis and said she went back to bed 5 mins before we were to meet.
I pointed out that she went back to bed 5 mins before our meeting time.

She then said that I should have replied to her text. The one asking if I was up ( sent 40 mins before our meeting time)

As the message was sent via WhatsApp, she could see that the message wasn't received on my end ( wifi off).
And she did not ever say that she was cancelling.

So
YABU - me not receiving a message is a clear indication I wasn't going to show

YANBU - she stood me up and is trying to blame me.

If it matters, she has cancelled at short notice/ slept through about 3 of the last 5 times.
I've slept through once.
I do understand that she may not have slept well, and decided not to get up. My beef is that she never ever cancelled. Messaging ' are you up?' At 4.50 am is not the same as saying that she changed her mind.

OP posts:
Bumbers · 20/03/2021 10:26

Definitely your fault

HarkAVagrant · 20/03/2021 10:26

I am very flaky with my phone, often lose it somewhere in the house, don’t check it for days at a time. But even I would check for a message before meeting someone, especially if they had form for not showing up or cancelling. I know the message was not a cancellation, and it should have been, so your friend is at fault too - I’m not sure how she expected “are you up” to translate to “I don’t feel like meeting” - and she does would quite annoying, but I think you should have checked your phone also.

audweb · 20/03/2021 10:26

Does your phone not have data? How does turning off the WiFi stop whatsapp getting through? Do you switch your data off as well? I just have my phone set to do not disturb for certain times, you really could do the same.

You should have checked your phone. I would assumed if her that you were fast asleep and gone back to bed like she did. I also can’t believe you go out at that time of the morning without a phone, just from a safety point of view.

RandomLondoner · 20/03/2021 10:26

Yes it is a bit odd that OP turns wifi off rather than using DND, but both have the same effect, they mean she doesn't get alerted to messages. Which is irrelevant in any case, as the message wasn't a cancellation message.

FlyingBurrito · 20/03/2021 10:26

I think you've got the message not that it's on you to turn all communication on your phone back on before setting off

You should take (the incorrect use of bring is a pet peeve of mine) your phone with you thought as a basic precaution in case something happens and you need to contact someone.

HarkAVagrant · 20/03/2021 10:27

Sound not would, sorry

emilyfrost · 20/03/2021 10:29

@RandomLondoner

Yes it is a bit odd that OP turns wifi off rather than using DND, but both have the same effect, they mean she doesn't get alerted to messages. Which is irrelevant in any case, as the message wasn't a cancellation message.
No, that’s not quite true.

Turning off WiFi means they don’t come through and show up on the screen until you deliberately turn it back on.

Turning on DND means the messages do come through and show up on the screen (so OP could see she had some at least) but don’t make a noise or light your phone up.

RandomLondoner · 20/03/2021 10:30

You should have checked your phone.

It wouldn't have made any difference, as it wasn't a cancellation message.

I would assumed if her that you were fast asleep and gone back to bed like she did

I would have assumed someone would so what they said they were going to do, i.e. turn up, unless they explicitly said otherwise. If someone pulled a stunt like going back to sleep without bothering to cancel, I'd eject such a flaky person from my life.

SwatchIt · 20/03/2021 10:31

Honestly? You both sound like hard work

I tend to agree with PP......and just check your phone before you leave, it just makes sense.

Lacucuracha · 20/03/2021 10:31

I would have assumed someone would so what they said they were going to do, i.e. turn up, unless they explicitly said otherwise. If someone pulled a stunt like going back to sleep without bothering to cancel, I'd eject such a flaky person from my life.

💯 agree.

ElderMillennial · 20/03/2021 10:31

Wouldn't you just put your phone on silent rather than turn off wifi? I put my phone on silent at night to avoid being disturbed.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/03/2021 10:31

You'll remember to take your phone with you next time, hey. Grin

I think you're both partly to blame in this instance - but in all honesty, I can't see why you keep bothering if she keeps flaking on you!

Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 10:31

Just read all the replies...

It was HER choice to meet at 5 30. Her job starts slightly earlier than mine, and she is more of an early riser.

I normally just roll out of bed, get dressed- I can be out of my bed and at her front door in 5 mins. This is what happened.

IF she had cancelled then I would have taken it on the chin that I hadn't checked my phone.

The last communication I had had with her ( night before) was that if it wasnt raining, we would still go.
I got up, looked out the window, saw it wasnt raining, and went .

Even if I HAD checked my phone when I got up, she was ALREADY back in bed.

Again. If she HAD cancelled- then it would be a non issue, I didn't check my phone.
But she didn't cancel.
Asking if someone is awake at 4.50 is very very different from cancelling.

OP posts:
Notquitesureaboutthis · 20/03/2021 10:32

Both of you have valid points.

I think the early time of meeting warrants a quick message to check everyone is awake and up for the plan still so I completely understand her reasoning.

I think you should let this go and in future check she is awake or at least send a message to say you're on your way. It would also really make sense to take your phone with you.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/03/2021 10:33

The point is friend wasn’t sick. So she should have met up as planned.

But if she HAD been, unless she’s Mystic sodding Meg, the OP wouldn’t have known, as she’d deliberately avoided any communication. Who is ‘not in the habit’ of taking their mobile phone out with them? The clue is in the word ‘mobile’!

Well then go and tell predatory men not to attack women. Don’t put the onus on women,. It’s a walk at 5.30, almost daylight FFS.

Oh, if only we’d thought of that! Great news ladies - no one needs to worry anymore, as we can just tell men ‘Don’t attack women’ and such crimes will instantly cease!

I don’t think people should burgle my house either, but guess what - I still lock up when I go out. You’re being ridiculous.

Aside from anything else, how does turning off the WiFi stop someone getting messages anyway? It’s a mobile - a key selling point is that it comes with mobile data. All that would happen if you turned off the WiFi is that 4G would kick in instead.

Notquitesureaboutthis · 20/03/2021 10:34

Also I too turn my Wi-Fi off at bed time. I keep my phone on vibrate in case of family emergencies (no land line phone) but I don't want to be woken by unimportant messages and notifications.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/03/2021 10:34

Also, it's not that odd to turn wifi off overnight if the OP keeps her phone by the bed. I also do this - I don't need the wifi on. My DND starts about 11pm through til 7:30 - but wifi is also off while I'm sleeping. I have the phone next to the bed because it is also my alarm clock.

fruitbrewhaha · 20/03/2021 10:35

It doesn't really matter though.

You could have still gone for a walk on your own if you need the exercise.

Notquitesureaboutthis · 20/03/2021 10:35

I mean whatsapp messages btw. My friends are night owls!

Lacucuracha · 20/03/2021 10:36

But if she HAD been [sick]

But she wasn’t.

No, you’re being ridiculous coughing. Don’t tell grown women when to walk or with a mobile. It’s none of your business.

Did a mobile phone save Sarah Everard? No, so you’re logic is shit.

Lacucuracha · 20/03/2021 10:36

*your

roxyk0303 · 20/03/2021 10:36

This all sounds very bizarre. Why on earth do you turn your WiFi off at night? Why did you not turn it back on and check you phone before you left the house?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/03/2021 10:37

@Lacucuracha

OP, a word of warning, lockdown has turned so many posters into bullies on MN, I predict you’ll need to hide this thread.
Oh, so you’re Mystic Meg.

I hate the way certain posters throw around accusations of bullying just because the majority disagree with the OP.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/03/2021 10:38

@Lacucuracha

But if she HAD been [sick]

But she wasn’t.

No, you’re being ridiculous coughing. Don’t tell grown women when to walk or with a mobile. It’s none of your business.

Did a mobile phone save Sarah Everard? No, so you’re logic is shit.

MY logic is shit? Have you read what you’ve just written?
Lou98 · 20/03/2021 10:38

I'm upset because she didn't cancel. The WhatsApp message was sent 40 mins before, so why WOULD I be up at that time? And she could see it wasn't received.

She probably assumed though that you would reply when you were up, not that you were up at that time. The fact you never replied and hadn't read the message would have personally made me think you weren't up so I also would have went back to bed.

Why wouldn't it occur to you to check your phone before leaving in case she had text to cancel? Why wait until you were there, realised she wasn't coming, and then say you wouldn't be annoyed had she cancelled, you would still have left your house by that point and the exact same situation would have happened. Why not just check your phone?

Sorry but I do think YAB massively U!

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