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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend stood me up but says it's my fault. Is it?

313 replies

Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 09:47

Hi
My friend and I go through periods where we go for a walk in the morning ( 5.30am)

We just started up again- went once and then made plans to do it again the next day. We agreed via text that we wouldn't go if it was pouring with rain.

Next morning, I got up ( 10 mins before the meet time) get dressed and go to her house and wait outside. She lives very close. All lights are off, no movement. I wait. I didn't want to knock due to the time.
I'm not in the habit of bringing my phone with me, so I finally go home and pick up my phone.

She had WhatsApp d me before 5 to see if I was up. I turn my phone wifi off at night, and didnt check it before I went to meet her.
I then replied that i hadn't been up then,but i did go to meet her.
She replied with laughing emojis and said she went back to bed 5 mins before we were to meet.
I pointed out that she went back to bed 5 mins before our meeting time.

She then said that I should have replied to her text. The one asking if I was up ( sent 40 mins before our meeting time)

As the message was sent via WhatsApp, she could see that the message wasn't received on my end ( wifi off).
And she did not ever say that she was cancelling.

So
YABU - me not receiving a message is a clear indication I wasn't going to show

YANBU - she stood me up and is trying to blame me.

If it matters, she has cancelled at short notice/ slept through about 3 of the last 5 times.
I've slept through once.
I do understand that she may not have slept well, and decided not to get up. My beef is that she never ever cancelled. Messaging ' are you up?' At 4.50 am is not the same as saying that she changed her mind.

OP posts:
SmallPrawnEnergy · 20/03/2021 10:38

Even if she did cancel you wouldn’t have seen the message because you didn’t check your phone. She text asking if you were awake to obviously start a conversation to check that you were still on, she got no reply so assumed you weren’t up and therefore so went back to bed.
Unless there is a massive backstory and this isn’t usual for her you’re giving it wayyy to much headspace, it was poor communication from both of you.

ElderMillennial · 20/03/2021 10:39

But if you checked your phone when you woke up (five mins before leaving?) and replied would she have got up and gone with you at 5:30?

Now I'm rethinking the fact she texted you 40 mins before was a cop out as she wanted to go back to bed all along.

PinkiOcelot · 20/03/2021 10:39

Totally your fault. You didn’t check your phone.
The turning the WiFi off is absolutely batshit as well.
Don’t understand your umbridge at her messaging you to not cancel. Weird altogether actually.

Lacucuracha · 20/03/2021 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/03/2021 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes a deleted post.

Kitkat151 · 20/03/2021 10:45

Maybe put your phone on silent but keep WiFi on....then you wouldn’t hear all messages coming thru but could check your phone on waking

Lacucuracha · 20/03/2021 10:45

Still why even bother replying if you’re going to resort to ad homs? Truly pathetic.

FlyingBurrito · 20/03/2021 10:46

@Lacucuracha

But if she HAD been [sick]

But she wasn’t.

No, you’re being ridiculous coughing. Don’t tell grown women when to walk or with a mobile. It’s none of your business.

Did a mobile phone save Sarah Everard? No, so you’re logic is shit.

What an aggressive response

Having a phone for any kind of emergency is a sensible precaution, being kidnapped and murdered is so vanishingly rare that it has no bearing on this decision. Much more likely that one might take a fall and twist an ankle or lose track of time and need to call for a list home or run into someone else who needs help

No sane person thinks it will stop you being murdered

Inthevirtualwaitingroom · 20/03/2021 10:46

5.30 is not fun

WorraLiberty · 20/03/2021 10:47

YABU, it was your responsibility to check your phone before you left.

BorisandHarriet · 20/03/2021 10:47

@Somethingkindaoooo

Just read all the replies...

It was HER choice to meet at 5 30. Her job starts slightly earlier than mine, and she is more of an early riser.

I normally just roll out of bed, get dressed- I can be out of my bed and at her front door in 5 mins. This is what happened.

IF she had cancelled then I would have taken it on the chin that I hadn't checked my phone.

The last communication I had had with her ( night before) was that if it wasnt raining, we would still go.
I got up, looked out the window, saw it wasnt raining, and went .

Even if I HAD checked my phone when I got up, she was ALREADY back in bed.

Again. If she HAD cancelled- then it would be a non issue, I didn't check my phone.
But she didn't cancel.
Asking if someone is awake at 4.50 is very very different from cancelling.

Yes but as others have said, most people sending a message asking their friend “are you up” before 5am would assume that if the message remains undelivered (not just unread) then that person is NOT UP.

In her position I would have gone back to bed until I heard you were up. If you turned up at 5:30 and knocked or called to say you were outside I’d have thrown some clothes on and come to meet you for our planned walk. If you didn’t knock or call I would assume you were still asleep as the message was still undelivered.

CatsHairEverywhere · 20/03/2021 10:47

@Lacucuracha you’ve obviously not had your own experience with predatory men if you think telling them not to hurt you will mean you’re safe. Doubt you’re even a woman with that kind of bullshit advice.

SimplyMarvellousDarrrrrrling · 20/03/2021 10:48

@Bumbers

Definitely your fault
No it's not, I don't rely on my phone as as safety net The friend should have checked /looked outside to see if she was waiting That was the plan and if she didn't get a response from the OP the onus is on her I seriously cannot believe I'm agreeing with @Lacucuracha 🙄 we spar on everything usually
BlackCatShadow · 20/03/2021 10:48

I think it's not worth getting upset about. It was just a misunderstanding. These things happen.

I go walking by myself at 6am. I just walk around my neighborhood. I do 4 laps. If it was me, I'd just make it a casual arrangement, ie., if she's there, go together, if not, just go by yourself.

Snowpatrolling · 20/03/2021 10:49

Doesn’t matter if she cancelled or not, she still messaged you. And YOU didn’t check your phone. Your fault not hers

Lacucuracha · 20/03/2021 10:49

@CatsHairEverywhere nice twisting of my post there. You know nothing about me so keep your opinions to yourself.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/03/2021 10:49

@Lacucuracha

Still why even bother replying if you’re going to resort to ad homs? Truly pathetic.
You’re clearly just out for a reaction. Nothing you have said makes sense.
SoupDragon · 20/03/2021 10:49

You are both at fault. Or rather no one is as fault, it's just one of those things.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 20/03/2021 10:50

YABU.

If I was getting up at the arse crack of dawn to walk with a friend (why would you even do this?!) and I texted them to check they were awake and didn't reply, I'd assume they were still asleep. How is she meant to know you turn your internet off on an night time?

FedNlanders · 20/03/2021 10:50

YABU

Candyfloss99 · 20/03/2021 10:50

Of course she thought you'd slept in if you didn't reply to her message. These ridiculous scenarios could only happen if meeting at the ridiculous time of 5.30am though.

FlyingBurrito · 20/03/2021 10:51

@Inthevirtualwaitingroom

5.30 is not fun
Lots of people exercise before work at that time, my Dbro before lockdown was at the gym every day at that time and I know he wasnt the only one there, I think you mean it's not your idea of fun surely
Lacucuracha · 20/03/2021 10:51

No it's not, I don't rely on my phone as as safety net
The friend should have checked /looked outside to see if she was waiting
That was the plan and if she didn't get a response from the OP the onus is on her
I seriously cannot believe I'm agreeing with @Lacucuracha 🙄 we spar on everything usually

😂

Nice to agree for once

Viviennemary · 20/03/2021 10:52

I don't think either of you was at fault. It's a misunderstanding. Why didn't you text or knock when you were outside her door.

Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 10:54

@ElderMillennial

But if you checked your phone when you woke up (five mins before leaving?) and replied would she have got up and gone with you at 5:30?

Now I'm rethinking the fact she texted you 40 mins before was a cop out as she wanted to go back to bed all along.

Yes, that is my thought- that she was up at 4.50, and didn't want to go. And I would have been fine with that. Hand on heart! If she would have just said that she'd not slept well, is going back to bed etc.

When I got to her house, I WAS kicking myself that I left my phone.

First , to people asking- my phone has data, I don't use it unless I'm out.
It is part of my bedtime routine to switch WiFi off before bed- it's part of my winding down routine. We have been WhatsApp 'ing for years.

In the last few years, she has often sent a message early in the morning, and my reply begins with ' just got this/ just turned my phone on'.
Just as I am observant of her phone communication patterns, I'm reasonably sure that as an intelligent woman,she has observed mine as well.

OP posts:
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