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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend stood me up but says it's my fault. Is it?

313 replies

Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 09:47

Hi
My friend and I go through periods where we go for a walk in the morning ( 5.30am)

We just started up again- went once and then made plans to do it again the next day. We agreed via text that we wouldn't go if it was pouring with rain.

Next morning, I got up ( 10 mins before the meet time) get dressed and go to her house and wait outside. She lives very close. All lights are off, no movement. I wait. I didn't want to knock due to the time.
I'm not in the habit of bringing my phone with me, so I finally go home and pick up my phone.

She had WhatsApp d me before 5 to see if I was up. I turn my phone wifi off at night, and didnt check it before I went to meet her.
I then replied that i hadn't been up then,but i did go to meet her.
She replied with laughing emojis and said she went back to bed 5 mins before we were to meet.
I pointed out that she went back to bed 5 mins before our meeting time.

She then said that I should have replied to her text. The one asking if I was up ( sent 40 mins before our meeting time)

As the message was sent via WhatsApp, she could see that the message wasn't received on my end ( wifi off).
And she did not ever say that she was cancelling.

So
YABU - me not receiving a message is a clear indication I wasn't going to show

YANBU - she stood me up and is trying to blame me.

If it matters, she has cancelled at short notice/ slept through about 3 of the last 5 times.
I've slept through once.
I do understand that she may not have slept well, and decided not to get up. My beef is that she never ever cancelled. Messaging ' are you up?' At 4.50 am is not the same as saying that she changed her mind.

OP posts:
starray · 20/03/2021 15:21

YABU for going for a walk at 5.30 in the morning!

SerendipityJane · 20/03/2021 15:34

Haven't RTFT, but wondered how heavy your phone is if it's such a burden to take on a walk ?

I'd always have mine with me, even if it's just because I might not fancy the walk back ....

worried3012 · 20/03/2021 15:35

What you do with your phone at night is up to you. I have friends that have it automatically go to airplane mode at midnight. I mute some of my WhatsApp chats and my phone is pretty much always on silent. Each to their own.

But yeah as you've only given us this one incident to comment on at face value, as I said before it's on you. Cancelling wouldn't have made any difference as you didn't look at your phone or take it with you.

I reckon she probably woke up and wanted more sleep. She probably texted you asking if you were awake hoping you weren't lol. As the text went unread, then she assumed you were asleep. That's what I think especially as it's happened a few times already between you. No biggie just a miscommunication.

Checking your phone is just important because anything at all could have changed by the time you woke up - illness, cancelling, etc. Taking phone is important for safety reasons. But I think youve had that all explained to you enough now :)

All the other stuff that's bugging you I can't comment on as we don't know.

Have you actually fallen out about it or is it all fine and you're maybe overthinking it?

Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 15:52

@cerseii

I normally just roll out of bed, get dressed- I can be out of my bed and at her front door in 5 mins.

Ew. Do you not wash or brush your teeth?

Really? I'm getting criticised for this?

We go out to EXERCISE!
I get up, chuck on the sweats I had put out the night before- yes I brush teeth / hair and give my face a quick wash.

Sheesh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 15:57

@surreymum89

I do get where you are coming from , you had just hours before confirmed the plans so what was the point of the message, regardless of whether you read the message or not (at least for future reference you know to) she should have either sent a cancellation or met as planned , to send a question it seems as though instead of wanting to cancel herself again she knew it was very possible you would still be in bed and could use the excuse of "I sent you a message and when you didn't reply I went back to bed , so it isn't really on me "
That is exactly it!
OP posts:
Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 15:59

@StillCoughingandLaughing
I think the sound of someone quietly creeping around, getting ready to nip out for a walk is different to a knock on the door, which sets the dog off

OP posts:
MuddlingMackem · 20/03/2021 16:08

YANBU.

I don't know about anyone else, but in your shoes, if I'd checked my phone so close to going out, my response would be 'Yes, on my way now' as I left the house. Which it seems she wouldn't have seen as that's when she went back to bed!

I think I'm on the same page as the OP when it comes to messaging. I prefer texts for anything urgent as, if I'm out I don't always remember to switch my data on although when home I usually have Wifi, but overnight my phone stays downstairs. I agree with the OP that the friend did not cancel. If you don't want to do something and want to cancel you need to express that in your message, not send such a woolly non-message.

hellomom · 20/03/2021 16:14

YABU. You should check your phone prior to going out to meet her. How would you know if she hasn't cancelled on you for any other reason apart from rain? I don't get people who don't check their phones.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/03/2021 17:39

Am I the only one who has never had an issue getting WhatsApps without WiFi?

WisnaeMe · 20/03/2021 17:45

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Am I the only one who has never had an issue getting WhatsApps without WiFi?

rural living has these wifi disadvantages, Im used to it 🌺

RootyT00t · 20/03/2021 17:53

@thecatandthevicar

My beef is that she never ever cancelled. Messaging ' are you up?' At 4.50 am is not the same as saying that she changed her mind.

agree, she is ridiculous.

Expecting people to sleep with their phone and check them through the night and first thing in the morning is very childish.

She is not reliable, people like her are a nightmare.

You honestly sound bonkers.

Who mentioned sleeping with their phone?

RootyT00t · 20/03/2021 17:53

@StillCoughingandLaughing

lots of us, we are not all glued to our phone at all time

Why do phone haters on MN always go so over the top? The language is always around people being glued to their phones; why are they so obsessed with ‘staring at a screen’? ‘What did they do before we had phones? We used to manage!’

I honestly don’t think glancing at your phone before going out means you are glued to it. You can even take it out without having to look at it the entire time, or at all - the idea is you have it if you need it.

Maybe because like many of us she expects people to keep their word when making appointments.

I also expect this. But I also know people get ill, miss buses, break down, get stuck on delayed trains, have to work late unexpectedly... it’s not a great imposition to look at a phone and check.

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
PerveenMistry · 20/03/2021 18:30

@BadNomad

If I was your friend I would have assumed you not replying to my text meant you'd slept in again (you admit you've done this before) and therefore no need to cancel because the walk wasn't going to happen. Any normal person would have checked their phone to make sure nothing had changed overnight.

Had she actually been planning to cancel or was she just wanting to see if you definitely wanted to go and hoping you'd say no? I do that Grin

This makes zero sense. Why would anyone be up and reading phone 40 min before an appointment virtually across the street? At that hour?

Why did friend roll over and go back to sleep before receiving a response and without definitely canceling?

Esp when the appointment was confirmed 7 hours previously, and most of the interim hours likely spent asleep.

Many of you are just bonkers and apparently phone addicts.

RootyT00t · 20/03/2021 18:39

@PerveenMistry

No she didn't roll over and go back to sleep.

If you're going to insult us at least read the OP.

FlyingBurrito · 20/03/2021 18:39

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Am I the only one who has never had an issue getting WhatsApps without WiFi?
Do you mean via mobile data? I think the OP said she has all data turned off, I may be wrong as this thread is now just going ound and round in useless circles
BadNomad · 20/03/2021 21:23

@PerveenMistry

The friend didn't go back to bed until 05:25 - 5 minutes before they were to meet up. Would you not expect the other person would be awake by then? And given the fact the OP has overslept before I don't think it's unreasonable to think maybe it has happened again.

WisnaeMe · 20/03/2021 21:35

[quote BadNomad]@PerveenMistry

The friend didn't go back to bed until 05:25 - 5 minutes before they were to meet up. Would you not expect the other person would be awake by then? And given the fact the OP has overslept before I don't think it's unreasonable to think maybe it has happened again.[/quote]

but it didn't happen again. OP was there, at 0530 as agreed. 🌺

WisnaeMe · 20/03/2021 21:37

and had the friend waited a whole 5 minutes more, she would have seen OP, at the arranged agreed time. Instead she went back to bed. 🌺

Saltyslug · 20/03/2021 21:41

Tell her you’ll text her if you can’t make it but no contact means you can make it

WisnaeMe · 20/03/2021 22:30

@Saltyslug

Tell her you’ll text her if you can’t make it but no contact means you can make it

very good idea 🌺

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/03/2021 22:35

The whole thing sounds utterly ill-conceived tbh.

No one knows if they’re supposed to just turn up, text if they are going, text if they’re not going etc. You don’t take your phone with you, she goes back to sleep when she doesn’t hear.... total shambles.

I would knock the whole thing on the head.

Also Yabu because 5.30 is not the morning but the middle of the night Shock

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/03/2021 22:40

Do you mean via mobile data? I think the OP said she has all data turned off, I may be wrong as this thread is now just going ound and round in useless circles

Possibly. But a couple of people suggested that the friend should have texted instead of using WhatsApp; as if texts were somehow more likely to get through.

JackieTheFart · 20/03/2021 22:51

@Somethingkindaoooo I call that ‘making the plans’ and as it is 530 in the morning and at least once has been cancelled because of preferring to stay in bed, yes it’s probably sensible to check when you get up.

I wouldn’t like the attitude either.

RootyT00t · 20/03/2021 22:52

@Saltyslug

Tell her you’ll text her if you can’t make it but no contact means you can make it
Imagine actually going on like that though. It's just so much fuss!
RootyT00t · 20/03/2021 22:52

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Do you mean via mobile data? I think the OP said she has all data turned off, I may be wrong as this thread is now just going ound and round in useless circles

Possibly. But a couple of people suggested that the friend should have texted instead of using WhatsApp; as if texts were somehow more likely to get through.

They are.

OP turns her internet off.