Adult children babies

[Rno3gfr]

To have just had enough of Mumsnet in general talking about people in their early 20s as dependent, incapable, children?

[CuthbertDibbleandGrubb]

Whilst agreeing it may not be nice to read, there are too many young adults who are incapable or appear incapable of things that they should reasonably be expected to handle.

[RampantIvy]

Do you think some of the reason is that young people are joining the workforce at an older age? The increase in school leaving age, plus the fact that more young people than ever are going to university must mean that the average age of young people being able to afford to be living independently must be higher now than even 20 years ago.

I also don't subscribe to the popular mumsnet belief that as soon as a young person reaches the age of 18 they have reached the age of mature responsibility, and are fully eqipped to leave home and live independently.

I don't think it is weird to want to be a home owner. I don't think our rental system is regulated enough, and far too many renters are taken advantage of by unscrupulous landlords. I blame the government and the lack of council housing.

[Aroundtheworldin80moves]

There has always been controlling parents, and parents over invested in their children's lives. There has always been disinterested parents.

[Thewinterofdiscontent]

I do think it’s linked to Uni. It’s not really independence and it takes you out of the job market for three years if not longer as there’s often a bit of faffing about. And then unsurprisingly, it’s often an entry level job anyway.
Where I live Uni very much the norm and the idea of working at 18 is still considered a poor choice for those who are a bit thick. I was probably the same but years of seeing rather disappointed mid 20’s children, struggling because they are scared stiff of kids and marriage but desperate to buy houses, I’ve changed.

[Mrgrinch]

I agree. I think it's a combination of poor parenting and the education system not teaching them things they actually need to know.

[RampantIvy]

I don't know if this might be considered a controversial view, but (in normal times) I think far too many students go to university to enjoy a hedonistic lifestyle and to put off joining the adult world of work. Obviously, this doesn't apply to all or even most students but, unfortunately, I do know a few who only went to university for this reason. Getting a degree is way down their list of priorities.

[MitheringSunday]

In other countries there is less of a sense of university being effectively a three-year extension of school. It may take longer for students to complete their degree but they are often working quite significant hours (and gaining real-world work experience) alongside. They might live semi-independently at home or they might live in a flatshare or one of the (few) halls of residence, which are usually uncatered. Of course they have parties but there is much less of a culture of partying being a major and indispensable part of student life than there is in the UK. There's just much more of a gradual and natural blending in to adult life.

A strong and respected system of vocational training helps, too, plus easy access to HE after training, if you want, without anyone fretting (as they would in the UK) that when you finish that lot you'll be mid-20s and too old to get a job/buy a house (renting being a genuinely feasible long-term option, as opposed to the shitshow it is in the UK, helps too).

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

@CreosoteQueen

I have much more of an issue with the posters who recommend parents kick out their teenagers (sometimes before they are even adults).

I know, those posts make me sad especially when it’s about money and the lack of it as benefits have stopped. I always wonder how the child feels knowing that.

[Ellpellwood]

I think it's one thing giving some financial and emotional support and quite another to be phoning dentists/Drs on behalf of your 25 year old and accompanying them to job interviews.

[Livelovebehappy]

And why does it invoke such anger in you OP? I watch out for my kids, regardless of age. If you have a different opinion, you do you 🙄

[LordOfTheOnionRings]

What a horrible thread. Support doesn't end at 18. I have had my first son and I'm currently saving for a house deposit for him for when he wants to buy a home. I dread to think what house prices aka THE COST OF BEING INDEPENDENT will be when he is 18.

I am only one of two in my circle of friends that own their own homes. The rest can barely afford a life outside of rent if they're single and want to live in their own space.

[FreekStar]

There's a difference between supporting your adult children and still treating and thinking them of them as children. They are not children.

[poppycat10]

I think it works both ways - I have known a lot of people who have to go "home" every so often to help their parents out with jobs around the house etc. Maybe their parents should stand on their own two feet too and either do the job themselves or pay someone. Or maybe people just help each other out.

[FreekStar]

Nor should child-like behaviour be accepted or encouraged beyond the teenage years.

[poppycat10]

And because I am financially able to do so, I fully expect to help my ds with a deposit for a house. Much better than letting him pay a landlord's mortgage instead of his own. I don't think that's "co-dependency", it's sound financial planning.

but (in normal times) I think far too many students go to university to enjoy a hedonistic lifestyle and to put off joining the adult world of work

even more reason to do so now in covid times, due to the economy being so damaged. Wait 3 years and there might be more jobs around.

[poppycat10]

@FreekStar

Nor should child-like behaviour be accepted or encouraged beyond the teenage years.

Ha ha - look at any school gate and the so-called "adult" mothers' behaviour. Plenty of adults who behave like children, in fact I'd say often the teens are the mature ones.

[Fluffycloudland77]

From what I’ve seen in real life it’s parents who have less than happy marriages who try to keep the kids dependant for longer because once they move out they’ve got to face the reality of their marriage.

The couples I know whose kids are allowed to live independently have parents who aren’t stuck for company when the kids leave.

But, I think this has always gone on. Certainly my aunt lived a very pampered lifestyle in the 1970’s because her mother acted as a free maid service, cook, childminder, money tree, one woman fanclub.

[Livelovebehappy]

freekstar says who? People will parent according to how they feel is appropriate to their own family. So many people think their way is the ‘right way’.

[Boscoforever]

I am in my 40s, work, have a home, DH who has a good job, and children (teens).
My mother still insists on filling my car with petrol. She transfers money to my account for teens' clothes etc. She pays for tutors for ASD teen.
I have never asked her for a penny. I worked from I was 13yo, babysitting, then pub jobs, then nights as a care assistant in uni years.
It wasn't until my kids were in primary that this all started. Folks had plenty of money and wanted to use it to make life a bit easier for us. As I said I have never asked for a penny, but my mum will literally start crying if I try to pay for stuff. In the shop/garage. It's very embarrassing!
It makes her happy, she can easily afford it, as she says the tax man will want an awful lot of it when she is gone -which is hopefully a long way away. I will do the same for my kids if I can.
I do think working from a young age is beneficial to kids.

[ElizaLaLa]

Yadnbu op. 30-40 years ago people were getting married, having children and running homes from 17-18.

The resilience and capability, self sufficiency etc etc of young people nowadays is laughable.

[Standrewsschool]

Mixed views on this. Sometimes, mn assumes that as soon as you turn 18, you become a fully fledged, fully functioning adult. However, it takes time for dc to mature and learn the ways of the adult world.

As people have said above, fine to give them support, encourage them, provide advice etc. Not fine not to teach them the ways of the world, so they can become independent adults. Eg. Knowing how to cook, wash, book doctors appointments, and make life decesions for themselves.

[Thewinterofdiscontent]

@LordOfTheOnionRings

What a horrible thread. Support doesn't end at 18. I have had my first son and I'm currently saving for a house deposit for him for when he wants to buy a home. I dread to think what house prices aka THE COST OF BEING INDEPENDENT will be when he is 18.

I am only one of two in my circle of friends that own their own homes. The rest can barely afford a life outside of rent if they're single and want to live in their own space.

Well that’s very sensible. I’m sure your son will appreciate the £30k or whatever you are saving.
But what if he doesn’t want a house? What if he fancies an alternative eco lifestyle.
What if he wants to live with his girlfriend somewhere house prices are cheap like in rural Spain.
What if at 20 he has a drink/drug problem.

Are you still giving him the money then or will it come with your conditions? Because that would mean you are managing “his” money. Will he feel controlled by you and the large deposit or will you just hand it over because he’s independent?

[Flowers24]

Dont know what you are referring to? I much prefer parents who are living with their kids who are in their 20's so as to help them save for a place later, than the ones who are told they have to leave home as soon as they turn 16 or 18, those people shouldnt have kids.

[Cottagepieandpeas]

@Postprandial

Agree with you, OP. And I think it’s spectacularly weird that the holy grail of home ownership now seems to act as an unquestioned alibi for a lengthy extension of adolescence.

@Postprandial
So agree with this. I frequently hear people say that they can’t move out or that their child can’t move out because they can’t buy any where.
If that had applied to me I’d be living at home now, at 51!

[Flowers24]

@ElizaLaLa

Yadnbu op. 30-40 years ago people were getting married, having children and running homes from 17-18.

The resilience and capability, self sufficiency etc etc of young people nowadays is laughable.

Its different now and i prefer it, at 17-18 people arent really ready to run their own homes and have kids, you spend a lot of your life as an adult so enjoy the young years and settle down later. The brain isnt fully mature till 25 anyway.