Adult children babies

[Rno3gfr]

To have just had enough of Mumsnet in general talking about people in their early 20s as dependent, incapable, children?

The government determines that adult students are considered as dependent. Their university loans are calculated according to their parents' income. Until that changes, they are indeed dependent, unfair as that is on them. I think your ire is perhaps misdirected OP..?

I know a near 30 year old who 'can't' do her own dishes and 'cant' take out her own bin. So mummy drives round to her house and does it for her. She can't put a load of her own clothes on to wash either. Mummy does that too.

Theres nothing wrong with her BTW, she just doesn't want to do it. In her words when asked why it's not done, 'because I don't want to'. So mummy does it.

@vodkaredbullgirl

Nice to see the op posted then ran.

They used up their screen time allowance for today.

There are lots of adult men on mumsnet who 'can't' do their own dishes or indeed look after their own children!

@Tootsey11

I know a near 30 year old who 'can't' do her own dishes and 'cant' take out her own bin. So mummy drives round to her house and does it for her. She can't put a load of her own clothes on to wash either. Mummy does that too.

Theres nothing wrong with her BTW, she just doesn't want to do it. In her words when asked why it's not done, 'because I don't want to'. So mummy does it.

That’s a pretty exceptional case.

I know a 90-year-old who can take a walk round the block but doesn’t know how to use Netflix.

About as relevant as your example.

We have more medical and scientific evidence now to prove the brain, especially in males is not fully matured till 25. Years back young kids going out to work at 16 were probably miserable and won't have a very long life expectancy. Years ago 'teenagers' didnt exist, it was just child - zoom directly to adult. Childhood doesnt last long ! Now it is considered to end at 12, wheras you are a child in the eyes of the law till 18?

Let teenagers be teens, let the 20 somethings be young and not have responsibilities yet but let them learn so they can gradually do it.

We spend a long long time being adults...................

They will be working for a long time, I am happy to support mine through Uni,and for them to have plenty of fun.
Ok we are lucky that we can afford it,but it is mainly the reason I work

I think children in general are overprotected and infantilised. The myth of perpetual happiness as being a good thing undermines resilience. As a consequence older teens and young adults have lost the skills to be independent, to an extent.

That said, I think its far, far more detrimental to leave them to flounder and cope unassisted at eighteen. The age of majority reduced from 21 in 1970. I’m not sure that was entirely helpful to the way society treats young adults. Children who have ongoing support as they transition are far more likely to embed successfully into the adult world.

Anecdotes about standing on your own two feet with two children and no money aren’t exactly selling the idea that full abandonment of parental involvement at eighteen is in anyone’s best interests.

It’s also not either or, is it? You can be holding down a very responsible job but still need emotional support from your mother when you’ve sat all night with a dying child and their family. You might be doing a brilliant job doing up a scruffy flat having scraped together a deposit but still not be a terribly good cook and want a roast on a Sunday.
You might suffer horribly with homesickness when you are at a foreign university or deployed for nine months and calling home for a chat might keep you grounded. Even nicer is your parents come to see you, no?

Why the rush into adulthood? Children born to very young parents have much worse outcomes. Children forced into part time work alongside studying have worse outcomes. Children starting sexual activity or drinking alcohol at a young age have worse outcomes. Children forced into caring responsibility have worse outcomes. Care leavers booted out to cope at sixteen have horrendous outcomes.

We should be encouraging ongoing support for all children, supporting childhood not rushing into adulthood unsupported and acknowledging that strong family relationships are a good thing.

There is a vast difference between washing up and buying a house. A difference between wanting to make your own decisions and never consulting with your parents ever again.
You can be perfectly competent but want a close family around you.

Why the rush into adulthood? Children born to very young parents have much worse outcomes.

Why do you equate becoming an adult with becoming a parent?

@FamilyOfAliens my example is relevant because it started of the same way as Op's. A bit of help here and there, filling in job applications and taken to interviews. Found out things about the job and then 'I don't want to do it'. Spent their own money on having a good time so mummy had to fork out for the rent for years.

In this case the mother was told to step back, but hasn't. Now things have escalated to the extent that the person in question won't lift a finger, because mummy does it for me. Won't make an appointment for themselves, wont get their own shopping, won't make a phone call, etc. I'm suggesting Op step right back and should only be there for advice not actually doing things. Op's DD needs to do things for herself.

@CounsellorTroi

Why the rush into adulthood? Children born to very young parents have much worse outcomes.

Why do you equate becoming an adult with becoming a parent?

I don’t necessarily and haven’t done so. Parenthood is oft associated with adulthood, not unreasonably. On similar threads there are sometimes comments about being married and having two children at twenty, as if that is a positive thing.

@LemonRoses in fairness having children in your twenties isn’t necessarily a negative thing either. It’s just another path life can take. Circumstances don’t prove or disprove maturity and ability to ‘adult’ it’s what people do with it that implies those things. As much as people would like to think that certain things prove their capabilities they really don’t.

i'm fortunate that my dc, all in early 20's have left home, working and running their own lives independantly, the youngest 21, is going to study in asia in october.
job well done i think, although i know it's different for other families.

I think there are differences though. When DH and I went to university (late 70s), we got a lift to the station with our cases and a wave from the platform. Ours were driven up with a car packed to the gunnels and we helped them unpack. And we factor the end of/start of uni runs into our schedules.

Re chores: I never did any at home but came from an immaculate home; likewise my dc don't but the older they get, the fussiest they become. I honestly think it's the example that counts rather than the doing.

MIL was/is a poor housekeeper, homemaker and cook - her dd's are similar. DH had to learn those skills when he met me. Paradoxically, my mother always had paid help, MIL never.

20 year olds are all different. Some are in full time education, living at home. Some have had a bit of a rough life and are already a single mum with 2 kids on benefits. Some people are just forced to grow up quicker than others through circumstance.

I think we can all agree though the married at 18 and staying in the kitchen bringing up the kids is a bit outdated.

@CounsellorTroi

Brains are not fully developed until mid twenties, nor do they have much life experience.

And yet at 18 you can join the forces and be deployed on the front line. Doesn’t make sense really.

And given how messed up so many people who are deployed at 18 are only adds weight to their brains not being fully developed.

[quote Cornettoninja]@LemonRoses in fairness having children in your twenties isn’t necessarily a negative thing either. It’s just another path life can take. Circumstances don’t prove or disprove maturity and ability to ‘adult’ it’s what people do with it that implies those things. As much as people would like to think that certain things prove their capabilities they really don’t.[/quote]
I’d think it depends on which end of ‘in your twenties’ we are talking about. My great niece has been born to 26 year old parents who are buying their own house and able to support the child financially and emotionally. She’ll grow up with good life chances.

Most twenty one year old parents aren’t in a position to offer that. They are not ‘adult enough’ to provide for the needs of others.

Well bully for you.
I’d give anything for my 23yo DD to be well enough to be independent.
To be able to work, leave the house alone, make friends, have confidence, shower, feed herself etc.
But she is mentally ill. The last 9/10 years has mainly been about keeping her alive.
The NHS is useless for MH. No one cares, or even tries.
I don’t know how much longer I can cope, let alone her.
But oh, I’m so sorry it doesn’t fit what you think life should look like.
Keep your nasty opinions to yourself. The way I feel this morning, you, yes you OP, could have pushed me over the edge.
As it is, I’m angry. But it could have been very different.
Just nasty.
Is that who you want to be?

You should have read the thread where multiple posters suggesting throwing a 17/18 but still in full time school / college out on the streets, would have cheered you right up

@Joeblack066

Well bully for you. I’d give anything for my 23yo DD to be well enough to be independent. To be able to work, leave the house alone, make friends, have confidence, shower, feed herself etc. But she is mentally ill. The last 9/10 years has mainly been about keeping her alive. The NHS is useless for MH. No one cares, or even tries. I don’t know how much longer I can cope, let alone her. But oh, I’m so sorry it doesn’t fit what you think life should look like. Keep your nasty opinions to yourself. The way I feel this morning, you, yes you OP, could have pushed me over the edge. As it is, I’m angry. But it could have been very different. Just nasty. Is that who you want to be?

I assume OP was talking of the average 20year old. Not a medically constrained one. Oversensitive much.

[quote Tootsey11]@FamilyOfAliens my example is relevant because it started of the same way as Op's. A bit of help here and there, filling in job applications and taken to interviews. Found out things about the job and then 'I don't want to do it'. Spent their own money on having a good time so mummy had to fork out for the rent for years.

In this case the mother was told to step back, but hasn't. Now things have escalated to the extent that the person in question won't lift a finger, because mummy does it for me. Won't make an appointment for themselves, wont get their own shopping, won't make a phone call, etc. I'm suggesting Op step right back and should only be there for advice not actually doing things. Op's DD needs to do things for herself.[/quote]
Are you on the right thread?

The OP (who is long gone btw) hasn’t said anything about her own DD, or even having a DD.

She started the thread to judge other people’s adult children.

What I don't understand is posts from parents of 17 and 18 year olds, on various different social media platforms, fretting about their (NT) children going to university because they can't cook.

And whose fault is that then? I saw such a post on a Facebook page, and when the OP was challenged her reply was " because he is a boy" .
And when that was challenged she changed it to "because he is a teenager"

Words fail me.

I’m 26 and my parents don’t infantilise me. DH (DP at the time), DD1 and I lived with them until I was 23 as DD1 was an unplanned addition and they wanted us to save for a house rather than spend all of our money on rent and bills. We’re glad they allowed us to do that as we’re now in our own house and much better off than if they’d said we couldn’t live with them.

My DM collects DD1 from school and looks after her because she wants to, not so we don’t have to spend on childcare. I’m now on maternity leave but, when I go back to work, DM will have DD2 as well. Again because she wants to.

Financially, my parents help us out too. We have a multi-car insurance policy with them and they have said we don’t have to pay our share until I’m back at work because my maternity leave pay is dismal. They’d rather I had longer off with DD2 than have to rush back to work. If I rang them right now and said I needed money for something, they would lend it to me.

I don’t see any of this as treating me like a child. DSis is 30 this year and they would do the same for her. They are supporting us because they love us and have the means to do so. DH’s parents are the same. We are grateful for it and don’t take advantage.

Their support allows us to give our children the best. We will offer that support to our DDs as long as they need it and for as long as possible.

@Joeblack066
I empathise and am sorry. One of mine has suffered and the MH support for young people was non existent. I hope in RL you have some support.