Adult children babies

[Rno3gfr]

To have just had enough of Mumsnet in general talking about people in their early 20s as dependent, incapable, children?

[Cottagepieandpeas]

@Flowers24
But there is an in between! People can move out of home and share houses with friends etc.

[FamilyOfAliens]

@FluffyHippo

Brains are not fully developed until mid twenties, nor do they have much life experience.

I think that's exactly what the OP's talking about...

I didn’t see anything in her post with a link to the research saying the opposite. Did I miss it?

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

@ElizaLaLa

Yadnbu op. 30-40 years ago people were getting married, having children and running homes from 17-18.

The resilience and capability, self sufficiency etc etc of young people nowadays is laughable.

As a generalisation, I agree, though of course there are many individual exceptions.

It's actually very cruel and disempowering for young people, who are not to blame - the blame lies with parents. It's the tyranny of low expectations.

[Cottagepieandpeas]

Surely one of the ways the ‘brain matures’ is by having challenges, learning how to do things for yourself?
Most are absolutely capable of looking after themselves in their early 20s.

[Flowers24]

@Boscoforever

I am in my 40s, work, have a home, DH who has a good job, and children (teens).
My mother still insists on filling my car with petrol. She transfers money to my account for teens' clothes etc. She pays for tutors for ASD teen.
I have never asked her for a penny. I worked from I was 13yo, babysitting, then pub jobs, then nights as a care assistant in uni years.
It wasn't until my kids were in primary that this all started. Folks had plenty of money and wanted to use it to make life a bit easier for us. As I said I have never asked for a penny, but my mum will literally start crying if I try to pay for stuff. In the shop/garage. It's very embarrassing!
It makes her happy, she can easily afford it, as she says the tax man will want an awful lot of it when she is gone -which is hopefully a long way away. I will do the same for my kids if I can.
I do think working from a young age is beneficial to kids.

Im in my 40's and my mum does this, sends me money for things, bought my son's first car and paid for insurance on it, insisted on buying my laptop , she says the same, she can afford it. I would do the same for mine too if i could afford it later on.
I take offence to the title adult ' babies' how rude.

[merrygoround88]

I have no issue with parents supporting their adult children but I think that someone who goes straight from parents home to owning their own home miss out.
Rather than seeing renting as money down the drain we should see it as formative years when you learn how to live with others and be a bit generally feckless.

[Flowers24]

[quote Cottagepieandpeas]@Flowers24
But there is an in between! People can move out of home and share houses with friends etc.[/quote]
Yes of course, i think i would have done that if i didnt buy a house with dh at 21 tbh.
I think my kids will probably move out early 20's as a guess as will want their own places

[Flowers24]

@merrygoround88

I have no issue with parents supporting their adult children but I think that someone who goes straight from parents home to owning their own home miss out.
Rather than seeing renting as money down the drain we should see it as formative years when you learn how to live with others and be a bit generally feckless.

Absolutely! Id have loved to rent a flat with a friend when young ! I went from leaving uni at 21 to buying first home 6 months later , married a year later.

[VividImagination]

You would love me. I have two adult children at home (25 & 23). They both went to uni, got good jobs and started saving for a deposit on a flat. Ds2 23 had a good deposit saved and had started looking, Then COVID happened. Thank goodness they were still at home. One has lost his job the other is furloughed. They can stay here as long as they like. I also have a young teenager. He is also welcome!

[Weirdlynormal]

I'm nearly 50 and my mum helps me, she gives me stuff and money. She has my children and will buy them clothes. My mum is 76 and I help her. I bought her a car. It's called being a family!

[RampantIvy]

even more reason to do so now in covid times, due to the economy being so damaged. Wait 3 years and there might be more jobs around.

I can't argue with that. I shall be encouraging to continue with post grad education.

[MrsTophamHat]

[quote Cottagepieandpeas]@Flowers24
But there is an in between! People can move out of home and share houses with friends etc.[/quote]
I agree. I think it's a really important stage as well.

My DH's brothers are much younger than him and still at home at 23 and 25. At their age my DH had lived in another city for university from 18, worked a few different jobs and was living with a housemate back in his home town. He then met me at 25 and by 26 we were living together and engaged.

I had also lived away for study, moved around a bit for work and then was living on my own when we met.

We weren't children but we still had had that selfish, make my own rules time.

[merrygoround88]

@Flowers24 and @Boscoforever

I think that both your mothers sound lovely. The Bosco username sounds lrish and how your mother is acting is a very very Irish thing

Generosity towards your children isn’t seen as a bad thing in Ireland

[RedMarauder]

@CuthbertDibbleandGrubb

Whilst agreeing it may not be nice to read, there are too many young adults who are incapable or appear incapable of things that they should reasonably be expected to handle.

The major word is "appear".

If young people are left to deal with issues instead of their parents jumping in and taking over, I suspect a large majority of them would be able to adequately deal with them.

[Weirdlynormal]

Oh and my kids are welcome to stay in my house until they wish to leave.

OP, do you not come from a loving happy home?

[UntamedWisteria]

What an absurd generalisation OP.

My 19 year old is more capable and independent than my 22 year old in many ways. So sometimes I have to help the older one fill in forms or deal with bureaucracy, that the younger one could manage perfectly well.

Everyone is different.

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

Piss off.

I love my adult dc. I will do whatever l can to support and help them. Bet you don’t have grown up dc.

They still twist themselves round your heat however old they are. My 27 year old dd is at home, as he’s trying to save for a house.

So🖕🏼

[Advic3Pl3as3]

The human brain is fully developed by around the age of 25. The last bit to develop & mature is the pre frontal cortex which is the part involved with risk assessment (risk vs benefit), planning complex cognitive behavior, personality expression, decision making, and moderating social behaviour. Hence part of the reason adolescents and young adults tend to take more risks and make stupid decisions than older adults (generally).

There’s nothing wrong with being aware of this biological fact when it comes to your kids, but it also doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of living independently.

[Flowers24]

My parents are amazing and we have hit some hard times before and they are always there to help us. Sometimes i log in the bank and mum has put £100 in just because ! I am lucky and i will do the same for mine ! They are teens but in a few years down the line yes Id help with a rental deposit or other if they do that, yes id help with a car and car insurance. Like someone else said, its called being a family,

[Thewinterofdiscontent]

Surely the ‘non developed” brain plus having independence, is the whole point of being young. Doing things differently , having great ideas, taking risks? There’s where success lies.

I agree our society is disempowering young people if the biggest measure of a successful adult is buying a house. What’s the point of parenting. We could all just save them a massive deposit and job done.

[Tumbleweed101]

I’ve got two in early 20’s and I consider them both adults. They sometimes ask my advice and I will support them as needed. As they were raised in a low income family they have become financially independent already and have a good understanding on how to manage money. Some of their choices and decisions aren’t ones I’d be making with the experience I have, but it is how they will learn
and move forward. They are in that ‘fledgeling’ stage where they are independent but occasionally you need to step in with support.

[SignsofSpring]

I think there are several reasons for keeping teens and twenties children younger- I don't mean it's a good thing, but it's an understandable one. The first is you can't work at a younger age like when I was a teen, I got a job as a waitress at 13. No-one but no-one hires people under 16 now, even if it is technically legal, and many prefer to wait for 18 because it's easier in terms of risk assessment. Even charity shops and the Duke of Edinburgh scheme have been hit by this- charity shops now pretty much won't take under 16's at all, which again is a shame, they don't get experience of having a small job, earning their own money, interacting with the public. We just went from job to job at that age, and so were out of the house and much more independent from day one.

Second, and rightly I think, the government has brought us more into line with other countries in terms of expecting 16-18 to be in training or education, with higher education extending til after 22 (including a Masters which the gov't will lend you money for). These student need paying for, and so continue the teen relationship longer than might have been in the past- in Germany this responsibility extends til your child is 25!

Society has structured it so that a) training and education takes much longer and working is deferred and b) it's hard to get on the property ladder and c) we don't marry and have babies young like my mum at 21, so the natural points of maturity have all shifted later.

[Flowers24]

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Piss off.

I love my adult dc. I will do whatever l can to support and help them. Bet you don’t have grown up dc.

They still twist themselves round your heat however old they are. My 27 year old dd is at home, as he’s trying to save for a house.

So🖕🏼

Exactly people who say these sort of things dont have adult children!!

What age would you class as having an adult child out of interest?

[ElizaLaLa]

I don't think it's about living at home. It's about the way these adults are treated.

They are raised to be incapable by helicopter parents as they are so molly coddled.

[Motnight]

Op have you ever thought about just not clicking on a thread if it looks like it will annoy you?

I remember posting about my 17 year old dd being owed money by a friend's parent (long story, holiday related) and was told that I shouldn't be supporting her in asking for the money. Even though the adult in question was lying, bullying and trying to coerce her. Apparently it was a life lesson my dd had to learn. Strangely enough I took no notice and it just took me 2 very polite emails to get the adult to give the money back to my dd.