Adult children babies

[Rno3gfr]

To have just had enough of Mumsnet in general talking about people in their early 20s as dependent, incapable, children?

I agree with parents - pay for the education and then up to them although I have helped with their first property. However in our family education goes no quite a long time. My father could only afford a BSc after the war but then got a grant and married so had my mother's teacher wages to help him do a second degree - medicine. He was doing exams until he was THIRTY. 4 of my children have done or are doing law with a law conversion course so that is five years of studying after school and then 2 years of training after that. That then can set you up for life in really good medical or legal careers but it is a very very long haul of year after year exams. i don't mind supporting them during that phase.

When my twins - the last - went to university in 2017 that was the deadline for their older brother (20s) to move into the house he owned - he let it for the first year and then moved into it when the twins went away.

As I said to one of my twins the other week I was married with a child at your age (22) and working full time as a lawyer in London and breastfeeding most of the night and owned a house with my husband.

Family cultures vary and no one is right or wrong. I am glad I live in a Uk where we can all be different and live and let live so one family would run naked around their garden (probably ours) whilst others down the road might cover even the little girls head to toe due to islam.
Opposite we have an Indian family and the culture is the grandparents live with them which is really nice for the grandchildren.

Of course adult children stay at home for longer now.

Who would set up the Sky Box and the parent’s new phone if the adult children weren’t there?

In fact when my father was ill at home with carers going in in his last year they just could not understand that we 3 children had done what our parents and indeed grandparents' sisters and brothers did - move away for university and jobs and that the family were happy with that. However our parents were happy about that - that was the family culture on most sides - you go away to be educated and then make your life there and the parents are very pleased you are doing well and don't mind you don't live 2 minutes away and are not around to make their dinner every night (although we certainly offered our father a chance to live with or near us all when he was sick but he not surprisingly wanted to stay in his house of 50 years and died in the house - happier that he had carers than took us away from our own children and jobs).

And the Zoom calls!

There is also a link to poor mental health due to ‘adults’ of 18 being forced out into the world, totally unequipped, when parents stop getting financial assistance for them from tax credits/child benefit etc. Quite often these children end up homeless, jobless, couch hopping, exploited or getting into totally inappropriate relationships. Fed up of people saying it’s ‘character Building’ and that it’s being cruel to be kind. My eldest is 24 and lives independently, her choice, and I advise and help her still, because I have life experience, and she doesn’t yet. I wouldn’t turn my back on her just because she has left home.

I’m in my forties and amongst my peers the most successful, well balanced ones are the ones with a solid supportive family who have been closely involved with their lives. As someone who lost their family structure in their early teens I can clearly see points at which I was at a clear disadvantage and plan to do everything I can to mirror my friends experiences rather than my own in my dd’s life.

Yes people used to get married and start families younger etc but this was still on a background of family support for most of those who made this a successful choice.

Maybe it’s unasked for interference that’s the issue? I’m not sure, but if an adult is struggling and asks their parents for support I can’t see why you wouldn’t give it.

All people are different. I had a child in my early 20''s and was 90% independant. PArents helped out occasionally when finances were tight.

My sister is mid 20's and lives at home and only just starting to be more independant now her BF moved in with them.

So you think it’s better for parents to encourage their kids to leave at 16 so they can rent and never afford a deposit then when they get to 30 they have to make a choice between property ladder and kids so choose kids because time’s running out. They then are trapped forever in rentals, moving at the landlords whim and unable to get a mortgage. They then become bitter and blame ‘that London’, call themselves ‘left behind’ and vote Brexit.

A young adult can live at Home but still do chores/work/budgeted. Or Mummy can wake them up and pack their lunch and make their dentist appointments..... it’s the attitude I think

@NommyChompers

A young adult can live at Home but still do chores/work/budgeted. Or Mummy can wake them up and pack their lunch and make their dentist appointments..... it’s the attitude I think

This.

To be fair I can think of an adult in her 30s who was completely "mollycoddled" or babied by her parents, yet she has a great job, was successful at uni and in her career, is very capable and extremely confident.

So sometimes I think it depends on the personality of the child. Some who are mollycoddled find it adds to their confidence and self esteem, to have this unshakable knowledge that they are and will always be very supported by their parents. Others, it renders them less capable.

I think probably we as parents need to be aware when to step back in order for DCs to find their own way, and when to step up because it will help them, rather than just picking a lane and blindly sticking to it.

Massive YABU for raging about other people's choices.
You do you and let others live the way they want.

You’re not wrong op. There’s nothing wrong with being supportive but I think it’s part of your job as a parent to encourage independence.

I want my daughters to have their own lives - if they were still living at home with no plans to move on in early/mid twenties (excluding studying) i would be disappointed - not in them but for them. I want more for them than that.

Obviously I will support them emotionally forever and we will also give financial support in adulthood by gifting them housing deposits, because I do recognise that buying property is much harder now. But that will come later - there’s no harm whatsoever in renting for a few years and just enjoying a carefree life.

I do think some parents are too dependent on their adult children and want them to stay living with them, which is a shame.

What job could a teen realistically do nowadays at 16, 17 or 18 and afford a bedsit or to run a home? The minimum wage for that age group is half that of adults and not liveable on whatsoever.

Children used to go out to work at 13 in my grandmas era, she worked in a bakery getting up at 3.30-4am, from age 13 because there wasn't anyone to pay for her to stay in school.

People are acting like it's a personal decision, but what people can afford to do, and what society pays for, has changed- I know someone who left home at 16 and lived in a boarding house, that's not an option for most people these days, you wouldn't even be allowed to take a rental, you need a deposit and references and a parental guarantee.

I've thought for a while my children who are mid-late teens would be fine to run a home and live independently, I wouldn't let them, as there's no need for them to do it, but since about 13 both mine could cook, feed themselves and run their lives if they had to- luckily they don't.

It's also possible to live independently (as in you can live on your own) and get substantial parental help- with money, deposits, support for education and further ed after an initial degree. My mum still buys me a bag of groceries, or pays for things occasionally, I don't 'need' it, it's just a way of expressing closeness and helping each other. I'm middle aged!

Nice to see the op posted then ran.

@Rno3gfr

To have just had enough of Mumsnet in general talking about people in their early 20s as dependent, incapable, children?

No, but I am fed up with “adults” who can’t use commas properly.

Brains are not fully developed until mid twenties, nor do they have much life experience.

But how do they get life experience while still living like teenagers? Because I suspect that there are lots of early 20s living at home but not pulling their weight with cooking, cleaning, washing etc

@Livelovebehappy

There is also a link to poor mental health due to ‘adults’ of 18 being forced out into the world, totally unequipped, when parents stop getting financial assistance for them from tax credits/child benefit etc. Quite often these children end up homeless, jobless, couch hopping, exploited or getting into totally inappropriate relationships. Fed up of people saying it’s ‘character Building’ and that it’s being cruel to be kind. My eldest is 24 and lives independently, her choice, and I advise and help her still, because I have life experience, and she doesn’t yet. I wouldn’t turn my back on her just because she has left home.

Sorry but where’s the evidence?

In my experience the mental health of those at home is pretty bad especially women.
Women in their early 20’s who would quite like partners and babies but know it’s not “done” and they need to have fabulous careers and their own home, else they will be failures in the eyes of society.

Endlessly saving whilst time ticks by.
Then they do teacher training, find a partner, move out and buy sone where on their two salaries and are much happier.
(based on no evidence either!)

My mother married for the second time when I was 14 and the third when I was 21. I went to uni, dropped out. Went to Switzerland for a year and returned to London: job, shared house, my father was in the from when I was 16 to 26 and it was very clear I had no stable home to return to if needed.

Fortunately my father helped with a flat deposit and work went well. I was very cautious re relationships and married at 31. I have known for most of my life (except for my marvellous grandparents) that I had to cling to my own rock and there was no scope for mucking it up - therefore I never sought adventure or the wild side.

Our DC are 22 and 26 now (still in education). Both could have gone back to halls this term; both chose to stay at home. I never ever want them to feel as "alone" as I did in my 20s.

They can drive, get paid work when required, cook, they are tidy(ish), have good friendships, manage their money, but are secure and loved and afaiac will always have a home here with us, whatever happens to them if they need it or just need us for a while.

Both returning to uni in April, dd will do a masters because her uni experience has been atypical and ds to continue his PhD.

I think the OP means people like a colleague of my DH using all her A/L and swapping shifts because of childcare.....

She has 1 child - her 20 year old DS (no SEN extra needs etc) - at Uni.

When she was furloughed in the summer, she was please as she could "look after him".

Back in the days before mass university attendance, it was a way of gaining and developing independence. It was up to you to decide whether you were going to work hard or lark about or which lectures to attend and nobody was going to chase you or nag you. But you had to face the consequences of your choices. It’s much more like school now.

Adult babies might be annoying, but not as annoying as people who post controversial one-line posts , then disappear.

Some who are mollycoddled find it adds to their confidence and self esteem, to have this unshakable knowledge that they are and will always be very supported by their parents.

I hate to be morbid, but there will be a time that their parents aren't there

Brains are not fully developed until mid twenties, nor do they have much life experience.

And yet at 18 you can join the forces and be deployed on the front line. Doesn’t make sense really.

@Shnuffles

Yes, I've seen that kind of thing on MN, OP.

I have no problem with parents supporting their adult children, including letting them live at home for as long as they like. It's none of my business.

However, it does seem that a lot of people (not just on MN) infantilise adults in their early 20s. I don't think it does them any favours, tbh. Not that many generations ago, people that age were considered mature adults, frequently with responsible jobs and children of their own.

I agree. At 20 I was married, responsible and mature, as was my husband who was 8 months older than me. My father, aged 16, said he was 18 and fought in WW2, before that, at 14, he got a job as a hospital porter at Bristol Royal Infirmary. That job included collecting dead bodies from wards and delivering them to the mortuary. I don't have a problem with parents allowing their children to live at home whilst they save for a house though, as house prices are so much higher and people need such enormous deposits. When we bought our first house in 1972 it cost £7,750, and we got a 100% mortgage. We didn't need to save first.