To expect DH to understand that his children aren't substitutes

[PallyTally]

DH has 2 children from previous relationship and we have 1 together.

I am dealing with the age old I want more children but DH doesn't. I'm trying to come to terms with it but it's hard. I've accepted that's his decision though.

However, one thing that really gets to me is that he doesn't seem able to understand it from my POV. Whenever we've had conversations about it he always makes comments about how we already have 3 and he acts annoyed if I point out that we do not, he does. I have one and tells me that maybe I just need to work on 'accepting' the DSC more and it will help.

I am not unaccepting of DSC. But they aren't my children. And whilst I've accepted DHs decision that he doesn't want 4 children, I wish he would appreciate that for me that means no more than 1 child.

AIBU for asking him to be more sensitive about this and to understand that it isn't the same for me as it is for him.

Yanbu

Yanbu but if he doesn’t want more children then he’s entitled to decide that. How involved are you with the stepchildren?

Yanbu

Yanbu and completely correct. But did it not cross your mind that he would always have 2 more children than you, and he may not want more because of that.

Yeah he’s unreasonable to suggest YOU have 3 children already, and trying to understand where you’re coming from is not asking too much.

It's really hard for you and your dh need to appreciate your position and accept that you need time to come to terms with the fact you aren't having any more children.

Him trying to belittle your feelings isn't on.

Yanbu

Oh I totally accept hes entitled to decide he doesn't want more. I've accepted that. It doesn't make me less sad about it for my own sake but I understand. That's not really what I was asking was unreasonable. It's the way he acts like it's okay because I've got his children so why am I bothered you know?

I'm not expecting him to change his mind. But I just wish he'd stop pretending it's the same.

@Well1000

Yanbu and completely correct. But did it not cross your mind that he would always have 2 more children than you, and he may not want more because of that.

Yes of course. He said he'd consider it and I was okay with that. I feel a lot more intensely now than I did before unfortunately. Which isn't his fault obviously.

The only time when that would be a reasonable comment would be if the children's mother isn't in the picture at all (I do have relatives in this position, so it's not unheard of), the children live with you full time and you've adopted them - then they are yours as much as his. But I'm guessing that isn't the case...

That’s a toughie @PallyTally Not much I can say as other posters have said everything I would have said. Is he 100% set in his decision?

How old are his other children?

YANBU at all.

Of course it's different.

He has 3 children. You have 1. If you were to split up, you'd probably never see your stepchildren again. It is totally different.

Having 2 DSC on a part time basis is never going to be the same as having 2 of your own full time.

Yeah he is being insensitive to not see this from your perspective. Maybe try to explain that if you had met someone else with no kids then you would be the same as now, you have one child. You currently have one and 2 step children. They are not that entwined in your life that if you split you would still see them. You wouldn't because they are not yours. Your son would, via his dad, being a half sibling but not yourself. Although it does beg the question, and sorry to bring this up, have you spoken about wills? Does he expect you to split your estate by 3 or 1?

You are very not unreasonable. He needs to make an effort to put himself in your shoes and stop acting like his existing children are a favour he did for you.

Your blended family has 3 children, you are a mum of one. I’m in the same boat and won’t be having more than one for a range of complicated reasons so you have my heartfelt sympathy. The very least he can do is attempt a bit of empathy and understanding.

Yanbu, but he probably doesn’t know what to say about it now that the decision is made.

What is it that you’d like to hear from him to make you feel that he understands your POV?

yanbu. Of course he might not want more children but he should be more understanding that you only have 1. Are you able to give it time, maybe suggest that you both reconsider and discuss option in a year or so? It might be that he's just overwhelmed at the moment but as the children get older he might be more inclined to have more.

I’m a mum to 2 , step mum to 1 ... it is not the same . If there’s a significant age difference between DSC and DC then DC may well feel like a left out only child . I wanted to avoid that . I actually wanted a third of my own too but my husband didn’t - that wouldn’t have been OK with me if I hadn’t had 2 .

YABU.

@Moomin12345

YABU.

Why?

YANBU

@Moomin12345

YABU.

Can you explain why so I can understand why you'd think that?

@NailsNeedDoing

Yanbu, but he probably doesn’t know what to say about it now that the decision is made.

What is it that you’d like to hear from him to make you feel that he understands your POV?

I'm not sure exactly, he doesn't even need to acknowledge that the DSC aren't mine, just stop making out like they are (or as good as) if that makes sense?

If anything you’re being much too accepting and accommodating. That’s a colossal self-centredness he is showing you.