To expect DH to understand that his children aren't substitutes

[PallyTally]

DH has 2 children from previous relationship and we have 1 together.

I am dealing with the age old I want more children but DH doesn't. I'm trying to come to terms with it but it's hard. I've accepted that's his decision though.

However, one thing that really gets to me is that he doesn't seem able to understand it from my POV. Whenever we've had conversations about it he always makes comments about how we already have 3 and he acts annoyed if I point out that we do not, he does. I have one and tells me that maybe I just need to work on 'accepting' the DSC more and it will help.

I am not unaccepting of DSC. But they aren't my children. And whilst I've accepted DHs decision that he doesn't want 4 children, I wish he would appreciate that for me that means no more than 1 child.

AIBU for asking him to be more sensitive about this and to understand that it isn't the same for me as it is for him.

Tough situation, YANBU to feel this way at all. If their Mother wasn’t in the picture and you’d raised them most of their life it would be different but it isn’t the case so of course they’re never going to be your children. He should be more understanding really, it’s ok for him as a father of three to feel done but he should accept you don’t feel this way after one child.

Yep! 9 out of 10 times, there's a good reason why the relationship with the mother of his children broke down.

This is unfair. I know someone who had a child in his teens and their relationship broke down soon after. Should he have remained single for the rest of his life just because he has a child? Ridiculous statement.

Yep! 9 out of 10 times, there's a good reason why the relationship with the mother of his children broke down.

Yep, there is.

Sometimes it's because she's a cheat and engages in financially fraudulent behaviour.

"If she doesn't mention having another baby, I doubt he'll say anything like that again."

"You can't see the problem with this solution, can you?"

"No."

OK, well let me explain. The solution to OP's husband invalidating and trivialising her very readable and understandable sorrow is not for OP simply to shut up about it and pretend, like him, that it doesn't exist.

Hope that helps.

@LucieStar

Yep! 9 out of 10 times, there's a good reason why the relationship with the mother of his children broke down.

Yep, there is.

Sometimes it's because she's a cheat and engages in financially fraudulent behaviour.

Hence, 9 out of 10

@Norwaydidnthappen

Yep! 9 out of 10 times, there's a good reason why the relationship with the mother of his children broke down.

This is unfair. I know someone who had a child in his teens and their relationship broke down soon after. Should he have remained single for the rest of his life just because he has a child? Ridiculous statement.

Maybe to you. Obviously plenty of people are more than willing to take on a man like this. But it seldom seems to go well for them. Personally, I wasn't interested in making a rod for my own back and making my life even harder back when I was single and childfree.

@DrSbaitso

"If she doesn't mention having another baby, I doubt he'll say anything like that again."

"You can't see the problem with this solution, can you?"

"No."

OK, well let me explain. The solution to OP's husband invalidating and trivialising her very readable and understandable sorrow is not for OP simply to shut up about it and pretend, like him, that it doesn't exist.

Hope that helps.

I did say quite a lot more than just, "No", and explained that I do understand husband has been insensitive and he needs to be made to realise that. I think that alone would solve a lot of problems.

We all get broody but if another child is not a good idea for whatever reason, we have to come to terms with it. It's certainly not right to let it spoil our lives.

@willibald

You said "9 out of 10 times there's a good reason the relationship broke down".

The wife cheating and committing fraud comes under the category of "good reason", does it not?

So it's included in your 9 out of 10.

You didn't say "9 out of 10 times it's the man's fault". Unless I'm missing the point ...

Yep! 9 out of 10 times, there's a good reason why the relationship with the mother of his children broke down.

Surely 10/10 times there's a reason why the relationship didn't work out.

@willibald

I interpreted your "9 out of 10" statistic as implying that this is the proportion of times you believe the ending of the relationship was because of a failing on the man's part.

I dispute that - hence my comment.

@DrSbaitso

"If she doesn't mention having another baby, I doubt he'll say anything like that again."

"You can't see the problem with this solution, can you?"

"No."

OK, well let me explain. The solution to OP's husband invalidating and trivialising her very readable and understandable sorrow is not for OP simply to shut up about it and pretend, like him, that it doesn't exist.

Hope that helps.

This.

willibald: 9 out of 10 times, there's a good reason why the relationship with the mother of his children broke down.
.......
There are many reasons and I am sure the op knows why her husband's previous marriage ended. Some couples just grow apart and find they want different things from life. They start rubbing each other up the wrong way and the home atmosphere is just too much so they part.

I did say quite a lot more than just, "No"

Yes, but the "no" was the point. Everything else was irrelevant, as was the next post, to the fact that the answer to a husband who doesn't care about your sorrow is not to pretend that the sorrow doesn't exist, and you should shut up to make him stop.

OP I think it's perfectly reasonable to feel the way you do, you may have three lovely children in your life but it's ok to be sad you will only experience pregnancy/the newborn stage once.
Your feelings are your own, it's not for others to dictate if they're right or wrong

@DrSbaitso

I did say quite a lot more than just, "No"

Yes, but the "no" was the point. Everything else was irrelevant, as was the next post, to the fact that the answer to a husband who doesn't care about your sorrow is not to pretend that the sorrow doesn't exist, and you should shut up to make him stop.

You have misunderstood me, Dr, but never mind.

You have misunderstood me, Dr, but never mind.

No. You have misunderstood that there are two issues here, and you are concentrating on the one OP isn't asking about.

She's not asking about whether she needs to work on getting over having only one child. She knows that, she accepts it. She is posting here about the other issue, which is arguably more of a problem in terms of the relationship: that her husband does not care that she is sad, indeed refuses to believe that she has any right to be, and is trying to feed her the deeply untrue line that his own children fill the exact same space in her as her own children would. That there is no difference and she is therefore being unreasonable. That she has three children when she patently has not.

THAT'S the problem. The husband dismissing and invalidating her very understandable sorrow. That is a problem in a relationship and it's not one that will be resolved by her becoming responsible for it by shutting up to make him happy.

Step parents get such a hard time on here

Expected to not overstep boundaries & “play happy families” because this upsets the child’s mother

Expected to love the children as though you bore them yourself, even though most mother would admit to not loving other children in the same way they do their own

You will be painted as a wicked step mother for daring to feel like children who aren’t biologically yours don’t feel like biological children

They must assume you lock his kids in their bedroom without supper!

You would have better response on the step parents section

@DrSbaitso

Your posts make perfect sense to me and I agree entirely. He is invalidating her feelings and expecting his own children to fill her emotional void. That's not OK.

How will you feel in ten years time if you end up separating and you still only have one child, and possibly no more time to have another? I'm happy with one but if I wasn't, I think I would end up leaving, in your position. Not just because of wanting more children/ a sibling for my existing child (step siblings, however lovely, are not the same at all), but because the lack of empathy and understanding would be hard to get past.

This is like if your sister was infertile Or had t found the right bloke & upset at not having kids

& you tell your sister “but look at the nieces & nephews you have! Don't you love my children? Why aren’t we enough for you?”

And then tell her how mean she is being to your children for not thinking that way

It is his choice to say no it is your choice to say that is fine but not what you want, your feelings are as important too.
I don't think you can put it out of your mind. If I've learned anything over the years I'd advise you always fulfil your needs especially as a women very often their needs are put first.

YANBU. Amazing how many men on here seem to think that you should be grateful for the honour of being a step mum to their child. Funnily enough you’re not usually allowed any say in how they’re brought up though, you just get the dubious pleasure of doing the donkey work when they visit.

@gutful

This is like if your sister was infertile Or had t found the right bloke & upset at not having kids

& you tell your sister “but look at the nieces & nephews you have! Don't you love my children? Why aren’t we enough for you?”

And then tell her how mean she is being to your children for not thinking that way

Absolutely this!

Or you deciding that you’re having a child by a sperm donor and telling him he’s lucky that he has another baby and expecting him to love it the same as his other DC. He has a striking lack of empathy by the sound of it.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

YANBU. Amazing how many men on here seem to think that you should be grateful for the honour of being a step mum to their child. Funnily enough you’re not usually allowed any say in how they’re brought up though, you just get the dubious pleasure of doing the donkey work when they visit.

Ohh yes! But don't you dare come on MN to complain... you're clearly heartless and you hate them. Apparently.

Thank you, @LucieStar.

I hate to say this, really I do, but the older I get, the more I think many single fathers remarry in order to get someone (a woman) to do a load of the parenting shitwork for their own children...and they think she'll love it because she's a woman so of course she will think of his kids as hers in every way, and it'll be so fulfilling for her. Not all, obviously, but more than I used to think.