To expect DH to understand that his children aren't substitutes

[PallyTally]

DH has 2 children from previous relationship and we have 1 together.

I am dealing with the age old I want more children but DH doesn't. I'm trying to come to terms with it but it's hard. I've accepted that's his decision though.

However, one thing that really gets to me is that he doesn't seem able to understand it from my POV. Whenever we've had conversations about it he always makes comments about how we already have 3 and he acts annoyed if I point out that we do not, he does. I have one and tells me that maybe I just need to work on 'accepting' the DSC more and it will help.

I am not unaccepting of DSC. But they aren't my children. And whilst I've accepted DHs decision that he doesn't want 4 children, I wish he would appreciate that for me that means no more than 1 child.

AIBU for asking him to be more sensitive about this and to understand that it isn't the same for me as it is for him.

YANBU . Of course they are not your children, they have their own Mum. Pretty disrespectful towards her, for him to tell you that you have three children. You are not their Mum so won’t be making any major decisions about their upbringing, and as a pp said if you and their Dad split you might not have any contact with them at all.
I think that wanting two in your situation isn’t unreasonable, it isn’t a huge shift, the bigger shift is two to three I think.
Might he change his mind ?

@Teardrop2021

Yabu surely you would had this conversation previously given he already had 2 existing children to consider aswell so adding 2 more dc was something he wouldn't consider as its too much physically and financially.

Have you read my posts? We did talk about it.

Its a conversation that should have happened before children

We did talk about it before children. I've said this several times.

It's not about money or housing either, we could afford it that's not the concern. His reasons are he doesn't want to start again with a 4th now. Which is fine, I accept his decision. It's just his attempts at 'helping' me that annoy me because it shows a lack of understanding of my position imo.

YANBU to feel the way you feel and he is being unreasonable to not see things from your side and that it’s different having step children to having your own children.

However, when you have children with someone who has already got children this is a risk you take. Did you discuss how many children you wanted before you got married? Four children is a big responsibility. He’s being pretty sensible and reasonable not to want any more.

“Biology doesn’t make a family, love and connection does”

This!

Op I’m sorry you feel sad but as adults we have to rise above a situation and see the bigger picture even when that means putting our own needs to the side. They are your husband’s children, your step children and your own child’s half siblings. Try to find some contented ness with what you have rather than fester on something you don’t. I wish you well.

Neither of YABU really. You are both entitled to feel how you feel.
I’m SM to 2 and mum to 1. Although DSC are not resident full time with us I do feel there are 3 children in the family. In terms of house, car, holidays etc we have 3 children even if I only have 1.
DSC have an excellent mum and don’t need another one so I don’t view them in the same way I view my DC. Even so our discussions about having another child were about going from 3-4 not 1-2.

For health reasons I can’t have anymore but I always thought we would. Now DC is 7 I’ve made peace with it but I definitely planned another and DH and I agreed that before we got serious as he needed to be sure 4 kids was ok for him!

'Open to considering it' = no I don't want that at all but I'm not going to tell you that outright because I suspect it might be a dealbreaker

Sorry OP. I think you've been played.

For every Chris Packham there is a step parent that when partners split the step parent never sees the children again whether they want to or not. My friends ex husband who raised her eldest from a baby dropped the child the minute the relationship ended. Another friend was a step mum for 8 years. The relationship ended and despite wanting to she couldnt see the child again. I read on her that an adult child who was raised from a small child wasnt included in the step dads will.

They are not your children and your relationship with them is not the same as their mother's quite rightly so.

I bet he would feel differently if it was you saying "our" children if only one was his.

I have 3 dc is exhausting I couldn't imagine 4 so I get where he's coming from not to mention he has obligations to his older 2 dc . Funny as other threads about it the same thing yabu and should respect his choice but not when there's existing children from a previous relationship. Your child does have a sibling he has 2.

I think there is an empathy bypass on here sometimes she is allowed to express feelings even if she has already accepted the outcome she has made it clear they discussed this she has accepted his decision she just doesn't agree with his point of view and honestly other peoples children are not yours you can love them care for them even parent them but they are not yours

YABU - one individual having as many as four children?
Did you discuss this before getting married?

If you take the step children out of the equation I don’t think it’s an uncommon situation that one partner wants more children than the other. Sounds to me like he’s trying to justify his decision, it boils down to the fact that he just doesn’t want another child. Which is really sad for you but he shouldn’t really have to justify it. Maybe just do t mention it for a while and check whether he still feels the same in a year or two when his other two are older and more independent

@user1471538283
Yes and the ones you describe would be bad role models.

I just wish he'd allow me to get over the fact I'll only ever have 1 child in my own way, just let me feel sad about that and move on from it without acting like it's an insult to his children.

I understand all the 'its not about blood', but it's not just that. You could adopt a child and it would still be your child. But my DSC have a mother. They don't think of me as mum, they don't call me mum, I'm not responsible for them in the same way, the experience is totally different in lots of ways.

@PallyTally

Its a conversation that should have happened before children

We did talk about it before children. I've said this several times.

It's not about money or housing either, we could afford it that's not the concern. His reasons are he doesn't want to start again with a 4th now. Which is fine, I accept his decision. It's just his attempts at 'helping' me that annoy me because it shows a lack of understanding of my position imo.

I suppose from his point of view you have both had the conversation now and you know his decision and it's probably quite stressful or frustrating to keep going over it again and again so he just explains it from his point of view.

I do think there should be empathy for the partner who does want children and that perhaps the other person should cut them some slack while they get used to the fact that they won't be having anymore, but really how many times can you have the conversation?

It's hard for both I think. I know I'm not going to have any more children and when I date in future it will be with someone who doesn't want any or doesn't more also. Of course they could change their mind and desperately want children and then we'd have to have the conversation, I know it would be hard for them to deal with but I would also find it extremely difficult to have to go over it again and again if the person desperately wanted something and I wouldn't go along with it. 'Helping' them get through it would make me feel like I was being an asshole and causing their hurt! and that's not fair either!

I think you should say to your husband you're going to get past it but it will take some time so if he could just be a little patient with you, but you can't keep bringing it up!

I'd also ask him to acknowledge that him having 2 children isn't the same for you, but I imagine that you will find it's not going to make you feel any better at the end of the day really.

Does he feel you’re trying to emotionally blackmail him?

@PallyTally

I just wish he'd allow me to get over the fact I'll only ever have 1 child in my own way, just let me feel sad about that and move on from it without acting like it's an insult to his children.

I understand all the 'its not about blood', but it's not just that. You could adopt a child and it would still be your child. But my DSC have a mother. They don't think of me as mum, they don't call me mum, I'm not responsible for them in the same way, the experience is totally different in lots of ways.

OP this is why I suggested asking for your thread to be moved to the step-parenting board. There are many people there who get exactly how you feel.

@Defmy

I think it's a bit selfish of him.

Should all men give women as many babies as they want?

@PallyTally

I just wish he'd allow me to get over the fact I'll only ever have 1 child in my own way, just let me feel sad about that and move on from it without acting like it's an insult to his children.

I understand all the 'its not about blood', but it's not just that. You could adopt a child and it would still be your child. But my DSC have a mother. They don't think of me as mum, they don't call me mum, I'm not responsible for them in the same way, the experience is totally different in lots of ways.

Could you just tell him what you said here? You are sad you won’t have the experience of pregnancy and birth again and you need to be allowed to grieve it?

Is there a large age difference between you and your DH?

I get why you're sad.
If you had married someone with no DC who wanted children, then it's very likely they'd want 2 also.

Since you married someone who already had DC, for him it's like been ther done that. I have these 2, so there's 3 and you should be happy with that.

@BungleandGeorge

Does he feel you’re trying to emotionally blackmail him?

I don't know how he could, I've accepted his decision. I'm not going to pretend I'm not sad about it, I am but I haven't been moping around or anything.

And it's not a conversation we've had over and over again, we only broached the subject a couple of months ago. We haven't argued or shouted or anything like that.

Could you just tell him what you said here? You are sad you won’t have the experience of pregnancy and birth again and you need to be allowed to grieve it?

Good advice.

I think it's a bit selfish of him tbh. I don't think I would have been able to accept that.

I am in slightly opposite scenario to you in that I have two DC's from previous relationship and one DC from current relationship - DP's one and only child. While I would have been more than happy to stop at 3, I knew DP had a yearning for another and am under no illusion that my eldest DC's are not a substitution for that - no matter how great a relationship he has with them. He will always have to share (or come second best) in his fatherly duties with their biological dad. As age is not on my side we had to force a decision fairly quickly. DP put no pressure on me whatsoever but in the end I concluded that his desire to have another child was stronger than my desire not to. Hence currently pg with DC4.

He’s not unreasonable for not wanting more children.

But he is very unreasonable to expect you to think and feel about things the way he wants you to. And of course it’s only when it suits him that the step children are “ your children “. He knows perfectly well that they are not your kids - morally , legally or biologically.

You have sympathy from me and from many others on MN. But you are not going to get it from him.