To expect DH to understand that his children aren't substitutes

[PallyTally]

DH has 2 children from previous relationship and we have 1 together.

I am dealing with the age old I want more children but DH doesn't. I'm trying to come to terms with it but it's hard. I've accepted that's his decision though.

However, one thing that really gets to me is that he doesn't seem able to understand it from my POV. Whenever we've had conversations about it he always makes comments about how we already have 3 and he acts annoyed if I point out that we do not, he does. I have one and tells me that maybe I just need to work on 'accepting' the DSC more and it will help.

I am not unaccepting of DSC. But they aren't my children. And whilst I've accepted DHs decision that he doesn't want 4 children, I wish he would appreciate that for me that means no more than 1 child.

AIBU for asking him to be more sensitive about this and to understand that it isn't the same for me as it is for him.

My friend was in a similar situation. She had one and always wanted more. Her DH had three from his first marriage and made it perfectly clear he did not want more but he did legally adopt her son as his biological father was never in the picture. She mourned only having one for quite a while but then moved on. Her step kids were older and soon enough started having kids of their own. She became a doting step gran to many and their family is one big happy one full of love. She always said that things turned out just fine in the end.
Just wanted to regale a happy ending story.

I totally understand where you’re coming from about grieving the loss of future children. Do you have friends you could speak to? I don’t think it’s uncommon, although people probably don’t talk about it. You can’t help the way you feel, however I do think knowing you’re sad will put pressure on him, and may be making him feel a certain way which might be exacerbating things.
I agree that step children are not the same as birth children in most cases but I also think they’re not the root cause of the issue

Just to say as well I have a great relationship with the DSC, it's just different that's all.

There are many people there who get exactly how you feel

Thank you.

He sounds like an utter knob, gaslighting you into feeling unreasonable that you don’t think you have 3 kids.

Leave him and have a child with someone else.

I liken DSC to nieces/nephews. Love them, do anything for them, etc etc.
But my feelings towards them, my knowledge of them, their love for me, our relationship... is just not like that of parent/child relationship.

I understand what he's saying, bc to him it IS the same, bc they are all his kids and equal in his eyes.

If the situation were reversed I'm sure he'd feel the same as you do.

@raincamepouringdown

YANBU at all.

Of course it's different.

He has 3 children. You have 1. If you were to split up, you'd probably never see your stepchildren again. It is totally different.

I don't quite see the point of this. If OP were to split up, yes she would have 2 children, but she'd also be a single parent to 2 children. Hardly a desireable position for her?

@dontsaveusername

I'm not sure that's the point.

OP's DH is insisting she views children who she has no biological or legal link to, as her own. Yet these children can be taken away from her at any point if they split. So that's not a fair ask.

@dontsaveusername

Why is it? Her DH was a single parent with two children when he met OP.

I think YABU, I appreciate you say that you did discuss it before you got married but surely you can see that having four DC is a huge commitment. I just hope other women considering getting together with someone who already has DC read this thread and really, really think through the considerations.

@PallyTally I'm in a very similar position in that DP has a child from a previous relationship, and we have one together, and DP doesn't want any more. I completely understand the intensity of those feelings of wanting another, and the process of grieving for the child you won't have.

Someone did ask us whether 'two children' would be enough for us and whether we'd have more, and whilst I didn't say anything, inside I was screaming "but I don't have two children, I have one!". I have had to be frank with DP that while I respect his decision, this is a process I need to work through, and it will take time.

but she'd also be a single parent to 2 children. Hardly a desireable position for her?

What's wrong with being a single parent to two children?

@Ragwort

I think YABU, I appreciate you say that you did discuss it before you got married but surely you can see that having four DC is a huge commitment. I just hope other women considering getting together with someone who already has DC read this thread and really, really think through the considerations.

Or men shouldn’t mislead women about the number of children they want.

Yanbu.

A friend of mine was in a similar position to you, but not quite. Her new DH had 3 DC from his prior marriage and he was not at all keen at all for more. He had not done any of the heavy lifting regarding childcare/child arrangements in his prior marriage, so new DC would not have changed his life much this time round either. My friend and her DH did not have their own DC and she has always mourned that, but discretely.

I chatted to her at that time about how many SM's I knew became more involved in the family when grandchildren came along. Sadly for my friend that hasnt quite worked out. She knows that if she and her DH separate she will never see his DC or GDC again. She has been the most wonderful "auntie" to my DC and I know that she has tried hard with DH family.

You, as often on here, have a DH problem (as does my friend). I cant believe that they are oblivious that their DC from a previous relationship are not the same as your own DC. Lovely if that is different. But so often it is not. They know but choose not to acknowledge it. Its that lack of honesty that will damage your relationship.

@PallyTally

They are 8 & 12 and are with us 50:50. Our child together is 2.

To be perfectly honest it's not really because of the only child thing, or not much anyway. I am an only child and I was and am perfectly happy being so. Obviously our child will also have siblings anyway, albeit quite a bit older.

I just find myself longing for more and sad that this will be it for me.

I think you need to assess what you want from him. If you really want another child and he is firmly objecting then maybe you need to go separate ways and consider your options?

I totally understand where you are coming from, you are not saying you don’t see his children as part of the family but you are sad you don’t get to have another child of your own as the step children are not your children.

I feel the same, I like my DSS, he’s here every weekend and is always included in days out, trips and holidays etc but he is not my child and when people ask how many children I have I answer “one and a step son”.

I would like another eventually and DP is not as keen as me, he says he has 2. But equally, before we became a serious couple he knew I wanted at least 2 children of my own and I wouldn’t include DSS in that because he’s not my own. This doesn’t reflect on my relationship with DSS at all, but I’m not his mum, he has one and we don’t have a mother / son relationship like I do with my own DS

Cadent but has he misled the OP, he said 'he'd consider it' and surely just using your common sense you would realise that a man (or woman) who has already had DC is not going to be rushing into the 'excitement and novelty' of having DC and starting a family like a childless woman/man is? I do think people are so naive about their expectations of having DC.

Don't pay attention to @PlanDeRaccordement they are a great creative fiction writer-they take an OP written post and just create an extra chapter based on their on bias

It's a shame for you OP and I am genuinely sorry that you would like another child while your DP wouldn't. But that's always the chance you take, isn't it, in any relationship? Whether there are step children involved or not. And before any infertility issues come into play.

Having children is not predictable.

I would not be happy with that OP. Why does his right NOT to have anymore children trump your right to HAVE another one? He has 3 children that are all equally, legally and biologically his, not yours. If you split you have NO legal rights to custody, access etc. You would be left feeling robbed as I’m sure you do now. Of course you are not going to feel the same way about your SC no matter how much you love and care for them. He’s ridiculous to suggest it. I’d be very tempted to tell him you want another child and are considering a sperm donor. I’m sure he’ll feel the same way about it as all of his natural children won’t he?

YANBU

When we agreed to no more DC I had a very clear conversation with DH that I would be sad and grieve that it was the end of babies etc but it was not an attempt at emotional blackmail but I need his comfort and support to emotionally come to terms with our agreement.

He got it eventually!

YANBU OP, and unlike it seems 95% of the posters on this thread I’ve not only read all your posts but everyone else’s too.

I have a stepson. As much as I love him, he’s not ‘mine’. We have four kids between us but I have only three. That’s literally a fact. It’s not about accepting them as a family - which OP clearly has - it’s about her husband having a bit of tact when referring to their children.

I understand why he seems insensitive. As soon as he agrees that you have a case there goes his excuse for not having another.

That's why he won't. He can't.

OP, I also have a toddler and two pre teen SDC. I also am privately mourning the fact I won't have the pregnancy and newborn experience again. And I didn't even realise before now that I would feel this way. It has blindsided me. It's unfair of people to expect you to know at the start of a rship how you're going to feel later, but that kind of clairvoyance is so often expected of step parents.

It's normal to accept something is the case but still feel sad about it. Any kind of loss, even one of an imagined child.

I don't know if this is helpful at all but I found these feelings surfaced just as DD became a toddler and not a baby any more. Like "oh where's my baby gone?" And I do expect they will fade as time goes on and we get into the school age etc.

It seems clear to me that you are asking for empathy (from DH and on here). Not asking if YABU to want a child in the first place - but this seems to be what many people are responding to. That's not the point. The point is you're entitled to your private feelings and they don't harm SDC or anyone else. Your DH doesn't get to tell you how you feel. for you.