To expect DH to understand that his children aren't substitutes

[PallyTally]

DH has 2 children from previous relationship and we have 1 together.

I am dealing with the age old I want more children but DH doesn't. I'm trying to come to terms with it but it's hard. I've accepted that's his decision though.

However, one thing that really gets to me is that he doesn't seem able to understand it from my POV. Whenever we've had conversations about it he always makes comments about how we already have 3 and he acts annoyed if I point out that we do not, he does. I have one and tells me that maybe I just need to work on 'accepting' the DSC more and it will help.

I am not unaccepting of DSC. But they aren't my children. And whilst I've accepted DHs decision that he doesn't want 4 children, I wish he would appreciate that for me that means no more than 1 child.

AIBU for asking him to be more sensitive about this and to understand that it isn't the same for me as it is for him.

It's unfair of people to expect you to know at the start of a rship how you're going to feel later, but that kind of clairvoyance is so often expected of step parents.

This is spot on. Why is the case? I'd love to know.

I think some people are confusing my AIBU to be honest. I really do understand that its the risk you take, 4 children is a lot ect... I'm not asking if he's unreasonable to have said no. It's his decision and I have to either accept it or not.

I just don't like how he makes out I'm unreasonable because I should be happy with the 3 children we have. I just want some appreciation from him that I'll need to grieve this in my own way because I will only have 1, not 3 like he keeps saying.

It seems clear to me that you are asking for empathy (from DH and on here). Not asking if YABU to want a child in the first place - but this seems to be what many people are responding to. That's not the point. The point is you're entitled to your private feelings and they don't harm SDC or anyone else. Your DH doesn't get to tell you how you feel. flowers for you

Thank you.

@Chicchicchicchiclana

It's a shame for you OP and I am genuinely sorry that you would like another child while your DP wouldn't. But that's always the chance you take, isn't it, in any relationship? Whether there are step children involved or not. And before any infertility issues come into play.

Having children is not predictable.

For the love of God, her problem here is that he's insisting she had 3 children & he's not accepting she's sad that SHE only had 1 child. She likes & cares about his DC but they have a mum & it's NOT her. He's stropping because she isn't counting his 2DC as hers

I expect he & his ex wife, would be kicking up a fuss if she started parenting them as if they were her own and demanding 1/3 of the say re all decisions etc and demanding they call her mum.

People need to stop being obtuse.

"For the love of God"

OK calm down! have I said something obtuse? If she's sad she can't have another child then I'm sad for her. Is that acceptable?

@LucieStar

It's unfair of people to expect you to know at the start of a rship how you're going to feel later, but that kind of clairvoyance is so often expected of step parents.

This is spot on. Why is the case? I'd love to know.

Maybe because stepfamilies are complex and you don't grasp the dynamics before you are in one? That's my guess.

Maybe because stepfamilies are complex and you don't grasp the dynamics before you are in one? That's my guess.

Oh I 100% agree - I'm an SM too. I'm just wondering why there are such unrealistic expectations aimed at SMs about predicting the future. It's bizarre

@LucieStar

Maybe because stepfamilies are complex and you don't grasp the dynamics before you are in one? That's my guess.

Oh I 100% agree - I'm an SM too. I'm just wondering why there are such unrealistic expectations aimed at SMs about predicting the future. It's bizarre

Yes sorry that was a general "you" not aimed at you personally I guessed you were a fellow SM.

I think society doesn't know what to feel about step parents. I suppose the idea is that there's an existing dynamic that must be protected and somehow you must perceive all the intricacies of it from outside and "buy in". But like any relationship, what you actually get shown is a shop front with best behaviour in it...

Op I'm so sorry that you won't get to experience another baby...well at least not with your husband. Can I ask in what way your grieving for this? Are you having conversations with your hubby? Could he be saying that yee have 3 in a way to make you feel better? That he sees you him and the 3 kids as a family? In fairness he can't help ypu through this grieving process because he is not experiencing it, he can be sympathetic but he will never know the pain your going through. Are you secretly hoping that by him seeing how sad this makes you that he might change his mind?

It is also very harsh to say that step children are not yours at all.
What utter nonsense. It’s is a statement of biological, legal and emotional fact.
Also, how many fucking times does OP need to state that this was discussed before marriage??? 🙄

@PallyTally

Those children are half siblings to your child so are family

I haven't said they aren't family. Just that they aren't my children and it isn't the same as being so. I don't think that's incorrect. I appreciate sometimes step parents take on a much more involved role, say if the other parent isn't around or whatever, but I imagine in the majority of cases when there are two involved parents, it isn't the same.

The one not wanting a child/more children should always have the final say. No one should be forced to be a parent to please a partner. He has three children he is responsible for both time and money wise, that’s plenty.

Demanding more babies

I've done nothing of the sort, in fact I have repeatedly said on this thread alone that I accept it's his decision. All I've said is that doesn't change it being sad for me. I'm not demanding anything.

It's lovely if some of you or your partner's have the type of relationship with your DSC where you feel that they are your children as much as your own. I don't think I'm wrong that lots of people don't have that though. My DSC have a very involved mother, obviously. They don't see me as a Mum so it's entirely different.

I don't think you so accept his decision. I think you are trying to but to keep telling him his other two aren't part of your family (you may not be biological mum but you are still a mum role model to them), would come across quite hurtful to him. If you have genuinely accepted his decision then why the need to keep telling him one isn't enough for you

I think his insistence that his other two are yours is a sort of emotional blackmail, far from your understandable sadness doing that to him. He’s implying you don’t think his children are enough.

OP, it’s a different situation and it’s the only thing DH has ever said that made my jaw drop, he’s a wonderful, emotionally literate gem normally... But I had a devastating missed miscarriage when we first started ttc and on the way to hospital for surgery he said “I know it’s hard but remember you’ve got mine to share”. I was bleeding in a lift on the way to say a final goodbye to my beloved baby and it popped into his head that mentioning I could share his existing children would be a comfort to me. I mean, really. I love his kids to bits but I wanted my own fucking baby, the one I thought I was having! I told him once the dust had settled how breathtakingly shit and insensitive it was and he genuinely couldn’t remember as it was such an awful time and his head was shredded but he apologised and hasn’t been so bloody stupid since.

The struggles we had getting DD are one of the reasons she’ll be my only and I’m glad she’s got half siblings but the time it took us meant the age gap is much bigger than we’d planned and she will be an only child in practical terms in a few years which I’m sad about.

All this well you should have discussed it beforehand and you knew what you were getting into is absolute bollocks and you’re best off ignoring it, especially when you’ve repeatedly said you did discuss it. When it comes to making babies few things go to plan and there are infinite variables, compromises, surprises, unforeseen circumstances.

You accept his decision. You’re not trying to change his mind. All you’re asking is that he stops lying and asking you to pretend his children are actually yours.

If he dropped dead tomorrow you’d have no rights to ever see them again. If you got divorced tomorrow you might not get to see them again. The baying hordes on here insisting it’s not about blood and step kids are the same as having more of your own would be exactly the same people calling you out of order if you insisted on going to parents evening, if your husband gave you the second parent ticket at a school play, if you posted on Facebook referring to his kids as yours, if you disciplined your SC, if you made decisions about their clothes or had their hair cut.

You’d get a chorus of “they’re not your kids, they already have two parents, who do you think you are, you’re just dad’s wife, not mum, know your place.

I think you are trying to but to keep telling him his other two aren't part of your family (you may not be biological mum but you are still a mum role model to them), would come across quite hurtful to him.

Except she hasn't said "your kids aren't part of our family", has she.

She's said "they're your kids, but they're not my kids". That's a statement of biological fact.

*OP, it’s a different situation and it’s the only thing DH has ever said that made my jaw drop, he’s a wonderful, emotionally literate gem normally... But I had a devastating missed miscarriage when we first started ttc and on the way to hospital for surgery he said “I know it’s hard but remember you’ve got mine to share”. I was bleeding in a lift on the way to say a final goodbye to my beloved baby and it popped into his head that mentioning I could share his existing children would be a comfort to me. I mean, really. I love his kids to bits but I wanted my own fucking baby, the one I thought I was having! I told him once the dust had settled how breathtakingly shit and insensitive it was and he genuinely couldn’t remember as it was such an awful time and his head was shredded but he apologised and hasn’t been so bloody stupid since.
*

This is dreadful. I'm so sorry

@Youseethethingis

It is also very harsh to say that step children are not yours at all. What utter nonsense. It’s is a statement of biological, legal and emotional fact. Also, how many fucking times does OP need to state that this was discussed before marriage??? 🙄

This!!
(Again, until it sinks in for some posters.....)

@AnneLovesGilbert
It’s like saying to your husband when his mother has died “ Oh well you care share mine “. However much you love your MIL she’s still not your mother.

The baying hordes on here insisting it’s not about blood and step kids are the same as having more of your own would be exactly the same people calling you out of order if you insisted on going to parents evening, if your husband gave you the second parent ticket at a school play, if you posted on Facebook referring to his kids as yours, if you disciplined your SC, if you made decisions about their clothes or had their hair cut

Exactly this.

I think you are trying to but to keep telling him his other two aren't part of your family (you may not be biological mum but you are still a mum role model to them), would come across quite hurtful to him

It’s this sort of utter bollocks that’s so pointless and unhelpful. She hasn’t said they’re not part of her family. She’s been extremely clear they are. She’s been equally clear, and accurate, that they’re not her actual children. She didn’t conceive or adopt them, she got to know them once they were children rather than babies. She has no parental responsibility for them. No rights to see them other than those conferred by her current marriage to their father. Even having their half sibling is irrelevant to her relationship to her step children.

Unless he’s very stupid or forgotten, he knows full well that he had his older children with another woman, possibly before he ever met or knew of OP. He shares those children with their mother, their actual other parent. He presumably managed to parent them by himself before he and OP got together. They are his children. He’s married the woman who is now their step mother and mother of his third child. If he really doesn’t know OP isn’t the mum of all 3 kids and is surprised and upset every time he realises, he’s beyond help.

But don’t let anything stop you sticking the boot into a woman because she married a man who already had kids. You’re not alone.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I think you are trying to but to keep telling him his other two aren't part of your family (you may not be biological mum but you are still a mum role model to them), would come across quite hurtful to him

It’s this sort of utter bollocks that’s so pointless and unhelpful. She hasn’t said they’re not part of her family. She’s been extremely clear they are. She’s been equally clear, and accurate, that they’re not her actual children. She didn’t conceive or adopt them, she got to know them once they were children rather than babies. She has no parental responsibility for them. No rights to see them other than those conferred by her current marriage to their father. Even having their half sibling is irrelevant to her relationship to her step children.

Unless he’s very stupid or forgotten, he knows full well that he had his older children with another woman, possibly before he ever met or knew of OP. He shares those children with their mother, their actual other parent. He presumably managed to parent them by himself before he and OP got together. They are his children. He’s married the woman who is now their step mother and mother of his third child. If he really doesn’t know OP isn’t the mum of all 3 kids and is surprised and upset every time he realises, he’s beyond help.

But don’t let anything stop you sticking the boot into a woman because she married a man who already had kids. You’re not alone.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@WhoAreYah

Having 2 DSC on a part time basis is never going to be the same as having 2 of your own full time.

Equally, op seems incapable of seeing that he'd then have 4 children, which I wonder would have stayed at 2 if he hadn't accommodated her wish... And again 4 is a very different dynamic to 2 children, in all ways, but also far more life changing in terms of 2 children ft at home. And further elongating the whole baby/toddler time, which many find hard, as it really reduces the choices the family has in comparison to say once they're all school age plus....

What's the age gap between his 1st and 3rd child?

@PallyTally

They are 8 & 12 and are with us 50:50. Our child together is 2.

To be perfectly honest it's not really because of the only child thing, or not much anyway. I am an only child and I was and am perfectly happy being so. Obviously our child will also have siblings anyway, albeit quite a bit older.

I just find myself longing for more and sad that this will be it for me.

Having seen the ages and the fact they live with you 5050,i do find your adamancy about detaching yourself offensive on their behalf.

A ten year age gap ia already a lot and not one I'd be wanting either.

I think you're right to be upset. You are entitled to grieve the child you aren't going to have. I'm sure your step childrens mum might feel a bit pissed off with trying to persuade you to feel you should consider them to be their mum. You're not. I'm sure you're a lovely step mum, but it's a totally different relationship. Surely he knows this? He should accept how you feel, in the same way you've accepted his decision. I'd be pissed iff too

@ilikemethewayiam

I would not be happy with that OP. Why does his right NOT to have anymore children trump your right to HAVE another one? He has 3 children that are all equally, legally and biologically his, not yours. If you split you have NO legal rights to custody, access etc. You would be left feeling robbed as I’m sure you do now. Of course you are not going to feel the same way about your SC no matter how much you love and care for them. He’s ridiculous to suggest it. I’d be very tempted to tell him you want another child and are considering a sperm donor. I’m sure he’ll feel the same way about it as all of his natural children won’t he?

Well if you said that to him then that would be pure manipulation wouldn't it?

i do find your adamancy about detaching yourself offensive on their behalf

You find it offensive that I've said children who don't see me as their mother, aren't my children? okay...

op seems incapable of seeing that he'd then have 4 children

I'm not incapable of that at all. I can count.

I know he'd have 4 children. This thread isn't even about having more children, he's decided he doesn't want more and I have said repeatedly that whilst it makes me sad, I will accept that is his decision.

What's the age gap between his 1st and 3rd child?

If you'd read the thread you'd know.

Again, I am not trying to change his mind, I'm not asking if he's unreasonable for saying no to a 4th child, that isn't the point of the thread.

@Bathorshower The only time when that would be a reasonable comment would be if the children's mother isn't in the picture at all (I do have relatives in this position, so it's not unheard of), the children live with you full time and you've adopted them - then they are yours as much as his. But I'm guessing that isn't the case...

Bollocks to that - have been there and got t-shirt (have five DSS who I love dearly and are now adults ) but they aren't "mine".

I don't see how it's detatching myself to simply say it's not the same as my own DC.

It literally, biologically and more importantly, in every day life, is not the same. I mean people can insist all they like that it is the same. But I know from my own experience of being both a mum and a step mum, that in my situation, it is not the same relationship.