To expect DH to understand that his children aren't substitutes

[PallyTally]

DH has 2 children from previous relationship and we have 1 together.

I am dealing with the age old I want more children but DH doesn't. I'm trying to come to terms with it but it's hard. I've accepted that's his decision though.

However, one thing that really gets to me is that he doesn't seem able to understand it from my POV. Whenever we've had conversations about it he always makes comments about how we already have 3 and he acts annoyed if I point out that we do not, he does. I have one and tells me that maybe I just need to work on 'accepting' the DSC more and it will help.

I am not unaccepting of DSC. But they aren't my children. And whilst I've accepted DHs decision that he doesn't want 4 children, I wish he would appreciate that for me that means no more than 1 child.

AIBU for asking him to be more sensitive about this and to understand that it isn't the same for me as it is for him.

@DrSbaitso

Thank you, *@LucieStar*.

I hate to say this, really I do, but the older I get, the more I think many single fathers remarry in order to get someone (a woman) to do a load of the parenting shitwork for their own children...and they think she'll love it because she's a woman so of course she will think of his kids as hers in every way, and it'll be so fulfilling for her. Not all, obviously, but more than I used to think.

Sadly I think you are right.

A friend of mine was a single mum of two when she married a single dad who had full time care of his two young children, one of whom had SN.

She gave up her part time job and became a SAHP to their 4 kids. She also worked part time in his business and when all the kids were teens who went FT.

When his kids were adults, one went to uni and SN young person went into a residential placement.

Then her husband left her, telling her he didn’t need her anymore. She lost her job of course. The house was in his name before they married and his shares in the family business had no value, so she walked away with very little except a 15 year gap on her CV.

[quote billy1966]@LucieStar
@JackieTheFart

Completely agree with you both.

But also you must as step mothers step in at any moment to provide free endless childcare, even when working FT.

If you are childless you must adopt the role of instant experienced au pair/nanny/skivvy...all because you have been silly enough to get involved with a man who has children.

Many of these men actively seek out a young childless woman to move in asap to absorb the parenting load, as these men are allergic to minutiae of parenting.

I firmly believe any woman who gets involved in this scenario is at best naive with little self respect and at worst down right stupid.

These men mostly don't want to parent their own children but will often agree to one child to lock the woman into her situation.

Her situation then becomes that she is the main skivvy for all three children.

A thread the other day on here where the new mother was getting attitude because with a newborn she no longer wanted to be responsible for school runs.
The actual parents of the children were pissed off as they thought it perfectly reasonable that HER mat leave became free childcare for them both.
You couldn't make this shit up.

In conclusion ANY single women is out of her mind to go within a hundred metres of a man with young children.

The OP has been totally played.

She should focus on HER child, down tools completely regarding HIS children and really, really think about what SHE wants for her future.

He could give a damn about what she wants.[/quote]
I think this is a really interesting post that highlights what I believe to be a massive oxymoron in general society.

Yes, reading this forum will give you the impression you'd be incredibly naive to get together with somebody with kids and that all this would entail, and yet at the same time, there is a very strong societal message that single parents deserve to be able to find love, that it's judgemental to avoid them etc. All this I believe is true, and yet at the same time, these same people are often the ones who believe single parents in relationships should be able to treat their partners this way, expect absolute enormous levels of sacrifice from them for the sake of their kids, complete with wildly unrealistic expectations of how they should feel in the situation. It begs the question, why would anyone want to be with you if that's how you expect to be able to behave?

To me, there are a lot of people wanting to have their cake and eat it. If there was a general tone of honesty about how unappealing dating someone with kids actually is, fewer people would be "naive" and do it, but it would be seen as judgemental and unkind. Fear of appearing that way is preventing people from holding parents to the standards they should be holding anyone in a romantic relationship to.

@DrSbaitso

Thank you, *@LucieStar*.

I hate to say this, really I do, but the older I get, the more I think many single fathers remarry in order to get someone (a woman) to do a load of the parenting shitwork for their own children...and they think she'll love it because she's a woman so of course she will think of his kids as hers in every way, and it'll be so fulfilling for her. Not all, obviously, but more than I used to think.

You make a good point there. I have come across that in the past and it is just not on. In fairness, I have also known a couple of women with children who married in order to have financial security. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I know I wouldn't have done it but we're all different.

The point here though is the husband's insensitivity towards how his wife feels about having another child of her own. He does not see it from her point of view, there's no empathy. Perhaps he needs to have it carefully explained to him so he understands, if he did and was sorry about his previous attitude she would certainly feel a lot better whether she had another child or not.

Good communication is all.

@aSofaNearYou you’re right.

I’m a stepmum, DSS was three when I got together with his dad, he’s nearly 21 now!

There’s a thread on AIBU at the moment where a mum is upset that her children’s nan doesn’t include her older, not related to the nan child, when doing birthdays. I get where she’s coming from (and tbf I haven’t read the whole thread so might be wrong) but why is this expected? My mum treats DSS as a loved member of the family, but he’s not her grandson. He has four actual sets of grandparents and now an additional couple of sets of step-grandparents. Sure I love the relationship they have but I would never have forced it, from either of them. I would have been upset if (now) DH had forced it too.

But there we have that other difference don’t we - stepdads are the heroes that deign to date ‘downwards’ and take on another child as their own; stepmums are just the evil harpies that are trying to separate dad from child. ‘‘Twas ever thus

,He has four actual sets of grandparents and now an additional couple of sets of step-grandparents. Sure I love the relationship they have but I would never have forced it, from either of them. I would have been upset if (now) DH had forced it too.
The DC in the post you referenced has no involvement with her bio dads family but I understand your DSS circumstances are different.

I think a lot of the expectations placed on the SM in this situation are almost subconscious, and assume that we as women are naturally inclined towards nurturing and caring for the young of the species. Certainly for me there has been surprise from various people that I don't wholeheartedly enjoy endless games of shop or snap, or baking cupcakes, that I refused to deal with any toileting or sickness accidents, and expected DH to be the one that got up in the night if DSC was ill.

As we so often see on here a lot of both the mental and practical work involved in having young children falls to the mother and can be almost invisible to the father, it seems to happen as if by magic. So perhaps it's no surprise that when men with children go into a new relationship, they simply try to carry on their previous role, and assume the new 'mother' figure in their family will assume the same role as the actual mother, including feeling the joy of caring for their DC. Which is ridiculous and takes no account of the SMs preferences or feelings. Stepdads simply don't have the same expectations placed on them, practically or emotionally.

@JackieTheFart

I'm on that thread, finding the attitudes on there very annoying. And this is exactly the sort of thing I mean. Would anyone really say being with someone with kids was a good idea if they expected that person to cut you off from your family if they dare to not see your partner's kids as their family? If my partner had tried to do that to me for my parents not having a relationship with my SS I would have laughed him down the street, and yet people genuinely seem to think that's an acceptable expectation and an acceptable way to behave. I actually think that is one issue where step dad's have it worse. There seem to be an awful lot of mum's that are extremely entitled about how their partner and his entire family should see her kids, and then they wonder why they are not liked.

Sorry for the derail, I just see it said so often that people are naive to get into a relationship with someone with kids, which threads like this one and that other one really highlights, and yet those same people would be outraged at the suggestion that parents should be widely shunned as dating partners.

I think a lot of the expectations placed on the SM in this situation are almost subconscious, and assume that we as women are naturally inclined towards nurturing and caring for the young of the species.

Yep.

There seem to be an awful lot of mum's that are extremely entitled about how their partner and his entire family should see her kids, and then they wonder why they are not liked.

Nail on the head.

OP - I was/am in exactly the same position as you. I have two DSC and one DD. And a DH who didn't want any more after we had our DD.

It took a long time to come to terms with the loss I felt for the other children I didn't have - I still sometimes think about it but DD is 11 now and I'm too old for any more.

What I have found is that, while like you my DSC have a lovely Mum and therefore I was careful to not overstep as a SM and I came into their lives as almost teenagers so we didn't get much 'nurturing' parenting time together, now they are adults I really do feel a bigger connection to them as partly 'mine'. Also seeing them interact with my DD over the years has reinforced that sense of we are connected by blood now altogether.

So I think while it will take a while to grieve the baby in your imagination, your relationship with your SC will change over time and may come to be more of a comfort than you realise.

OP, you're entitled to your feelings and to not have him belittle them with his (illogical) comments about how his children are your children, so you don't need any more.

I'm surprised by the number of comments on the thread advising to leave him and have a second child, or asking whether or not he's worth sacrificing the second child for. I wouldn't be advising anyone to further separate this blended family in order to have a theoretical additional child. Surely the priority has to be the ones already here? (I accept that OP's feelings are incredibly painful for her - I'm childless and can't have any, so I really do understand this.)

Sorry for the derail, I just see it said so often that people are naive to get into a relationship with someone with kids, which threads like this one and that other one really highlights, and yet those same people would be outraged at the suggestion that parents should be widely shunned as dating partners.

You can be a dating partner without setting up home together.

@jessstan2

Sorry for the derail, I just see it said so often that people are naive to get into a relationship with someone with kids, which threads like this one and that other one really highlights, and yet those same people would be outraged at the suggestion that parents should be widely shunned as dating partners.

You can be a dating partner without setting up home together.

Yes you could, though this is for many it's own kind if limitation. Certainly better than expecting any partner and their wider family to absolutely bend over backwards for them.

Op I’m having similar discussions with my DH now, we both had a child each when we met, have had a baby and I’d like a 3rd baby for me, 4th in the family.

We haven’t come to a resolution but his child is here EOW and my child is resident.

He put it to me that I don’t feel like I have 3 kids as his kid is here so infrequently, his kid’s mum parents in a similar way that I do, but his experience involves him living with my kid and picking up where their very absent uninvolved dad drops the ball so he does feel like he has 3 kids already and worries about the emotional investment/time for a 4th more than the money or space.

Like you I’ve probably accepted his reasoning but can’t help still feel sad. What I wanted to point out was that your husband could put his point across a lot more compassionately- at no point did my DH say ‘it’s ok you’ve got SC and that’s just the same’

If I was the mother of your step-children I'd expect there to be a clear distinction between her children and yours, is another way of looking at it. What does she think of your OH saying you have 3 children?

I agree with @RickiTarr.

He is being colossally insensitive and self centered.

Why did he and the mother of his oldest children split?

I'm a SM to four. I love them very much but they're not mine, they have a mum and I'm not it. This was bought into more sharp focus 3 months ago when I had a miscarriage. Having to deal with DH's children being around (we have them 50/50) when my owns heart had stopped beating inside me was heartbreaking. But, as we often do as SM's, behind the scenes i picked myself up and continued to love them in the same way as before, quietly and without fanfare.
You have my sympathy

OP I think he wasn't being completely honest with you when he said he would be 'open to considering' having more than one child with you.

I think he had his mind made up but knew it would make you think twice about the relationship.

You'll never be able to prove it, and neither will I, but a man who was ok about having more kids would have agreed on a number, not stated he was 'open to considering' more.

@Clymene, YYY, she has been played

I agree with Clymene and math. This man's played you to keep you, he's no. 1, he felt entitled to you. I would have to leave. Why did his relationship with his first wife break down? He's being a real twat with this 'we' have 3 and turning it back round on you telling to take more of a mothering role to your step kids when they already have a mother.

He's happy as larry and doesn't give a fuck if you aren't as long as it goes his way.

Tell him he's an insensitive arse. You know all that he says. You just want some sympathy for the extra child you already accept you can't have. That's all.

@PallyTally

How are you PallyTally 🌸

Op I'm in a strange alternative to this situation. I wanted another but have 3 dsc and 1 joint dc. Dp didn't but now has changed his mind but I'm firmly against it now.
Our ds is 3 so there would be a 4 year ago gap which is too large for me. I can't afford to house 5 kids with little support and I don't want pnd again. He's now very cross that I don't want more as it shows I'm disengaged.
Does perhaps your dp worry about things like housing, cars, holiday expenses and has just phrased this awfully?