To expect DH to understand that his children aren't substitutes

[PallyTally]

DH has 2 children from previous relationship and we have 1 together.

I am dealing with the age old I want more children but DH doesn't. I'm trying to come to terms with it but it's hard. I've accepted that's his decision though.

However, one thing that really gets to me is that he doesn't seem able to understand it from my POV. Whenever we've had conversations about it he always makes comments about how we already have 3 and he acts annoyed if I point out that we do not, he does. I have one and tells me that maybe I just need to work on 'accepting' the DSC more and it will help.

I am not unaccepting of DSC. But they aren't my children. And whilst I've accepted DHs decision that he doesn't want 4 children, I wish he would appreciate that for me that means no more than 1 child.

AIBU for asking him to be more sensitive about this and to understand that it isn't the same for me as it is for him.

YANBU but having a child is something you should only go into (knowingly) if both parties are happy to do so. One of you isn't, so no more babies.

I think it's fairly common for one of the couple to want another child, when the other one doesn't. I know it is a bit more complex here, but lots of us mourn the theoretical extra child we'd have liked to have, if only our partners were on board. Personally I rationalise it that it's just biology. My hormones are just doing their job of making me broody. Even if I had got that extra child I'd have liked, they'd probably do the same to me all over again.

What do you suggest she does? Bully him into another? Revise to have his kids over until she's impregnated with his sperm?

Of course not, but you can park an issue of disagreement and revisit it later. I was just saying that OP seemed exceptionally, maybe excessively, accepting that his decision is final.

Is he saying there's 3 in the family though, and that a fourth could have a big impact on housing, holidays, education and all that? If he's saying you have 3 fair enough. But if he's saying there's 3 in the family and 4 would be too many I can understand that- although I see where you're coming from too

@B33Fr33

My husband is very much a parent to my eldest children. We frequently discuss our children. He considers his three children him and done. YABU and deliberately distancing yourself from an opportunity for the children IN your life to be part of your family. You're keeping them (and him) at arms length whilst you're focused on what you want. You should have considered all this at the start of the relationship. Now you're holding one of his kids to ransom by demanding more.

Are you on the wrong thread?

Holding the child to ransom and demanding more babies?? Where has she said anything near this

@B33Fr33

My husband is very much a parent to my eldest children. We frequently discuss our children. He considers his three children him and done. YABU and deliberately distancing yourself from an opportunity for the children IN your life to be part of your family. You're keeping them (and him) at arms length whilst you're focused on what you want. You should have considered all this at the start of the relationship. Now you're holding one of his kids to ransom by demanding more.

This

Those children are half siblings to your child so are family

I haven't said they aren't family. Just that they aren't my children and it isn't the same as being so. I don't think that's incorrect. I appreciate sometimes step parents take on a much more involved role, say if the other parent isn't around or whatever, but I imagine in the majority of cases when there are two involved parents, it isn't the same.

The one not wanting a child/more children should always have the final say. No one should be forced to be a parent to please a partner. He has three children he is responsible for both time and money wise, that’s plenty.

Demanding more babies

I've done nothing of the sort, in fact I have repeatedly said on this thread alone that I accept it's his decision. All I've said is that doesn't change it being sad for me. I'm not demanding anything.

It's lovely if some of you or your partner's have the type of relationship with your DSC where you feel that they are your children as much as your own. I don't think I'm wrong that lots of people don't have that though. My DSC have a very involved mother, obviously. They don't see me as a Mum so it's entirely different.

@RickiTarr

What do you suggest she does? Bully him into another? Revise to have his kids over until she's impregnated with his sperm?

Of course not, but you can park an issue of disagreement and revisit it later. I was just saying that OP seemed exceptionally, maybe excessively, accepting that his decision is final.

Excessively accepting? What does that even mean? He's made it clear he doesn't want to father more kids, he shouldn't be pushed on that. He should take appropriate actions to protect himself against an unwanted pregnancy and he should stop telling op she has 3 kids and at least extend some empathy but he's not under any obligation to provide her with children he doesn't want

I think you are a bit unreasonable and need to let this go. It is also very harsh to say that step children are not yours at all. I hope you have t said the “you’re not mine” in front of them or acted with favouritism towards your biological child. You need to mature a bit I think and realise that biology doesn’t make a family, love and connection does. You can substitute with step children. You just don’t want to and are insisting on a blood connection. Which to me, will only become more unreasonable the longer you let this fester.

Did you discuss this when your relationship got more serious? Did he say that he wanted more than one child? If he did I can understand your annoyance at the change of heart.

YANBU, in the slightest, for wanting him to understand that his kids are not yours therefore it's not remotely the same for you.
But at the same time, if he doesn't want more kids himself, I'm not sure what options you have.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

Is he saying there's 3 in the family though, and that a fourth could have a big impact on housing, holidays, education and all that? If he's saying you have 3 fair enough. But if he's saying there's 3 in the family and 4 would be too many I can understand that- although I see where you're coming from too

No he's saying I should see it as I have 3 children not 1 and maybe that will help.

Whilst DSC are great kids, they don't minimise these feelings for me because they aren't my DC. I just wish he'd appreciate that and stop making out like it's a personal insult that it doesn't help me to see it the way he does.

No he's saying I should see it as I have 3 children not 1 and maybe that will help.

No. You shouldn't.

A conversation which should have been had at the start of your relationship. I would think if I was getting together with someone who already had DCs, that I would be wanting to know whether he would want to have any more. Is this something you’ve never talked about until now?

Yanbu. You have only one child. But he has three to support. If another one won't put too much strain on finances why can't you have another one.

I think it's a bit selfish of him.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I think you are a bit unreasonable and need to let this go. It is also very harsh to say that step children are not yours at all. I hope you have t said the “you’re not mine” in front of them or acted with favouritism towards your biological child. You need to mature a bit I think and realise that biology doesn’t make a family, love and connection does. You can substitute with step children. You just don’t want to and are insisting on a blood connection. Which to me, will only become more unreasonable the longer you let this fester.

Of course I've never said 'youre not mine' to my DSC. Why would that ever even come up in front of them? by the same token, they aren't under any illusion that I am their Mum though obviously.

I don't personally think it's as easy as just 'you don't want to'. I can't just switch off feelings. I would like more children to whom I am their parent, not step parent because ime the experience and the relationship is vastlyy different.

Again, I understand it's my husband's decision if he doesn't want more children, I am not disputing that.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I think you are a bit unreasonable and need to let this go. It is also very harsh to say that step children are not yours at all. I hope you have t said the “you’re not mine” in front of them or acted with favouritism towards your biological child. You need to mature a bit I think and realise that biology doesn’t make a family, love and connection does. You can substitute with step children. You just don’t want to and are insisting on a blood connection. Which to me, will only become more unreasonable the longer you let this fester.

They have a mother it is not the OP they are not her children they are her husbands children she has accepted no more children what she wants is empathy from him over the children

@Defmy

I think it's a bit selfish of him.

And completely unrealistic to ask a step mother to "see it as though you have 3 not 1". How? She has 1. That's a fact.

Yabu. If having multiple kids was important to you, you shouldnt have married someone with kids already.

@Livelovebehappy

A conversation which should have been had at the start of your relationship. I would think if I was getting together with someone who already had DCs, that I would be wanting to know whether he would want to have any more. Is this something you’ve never talked about until now?

We did talk about it and he always said he would be open to considering it. Now he has and he's decided no. As I said upthread, I was always okay with that. I didn't feel as intensely as I do now which isn't his fault I know.

YANBU

I hope you find a solution OP, whether it's accepting having 1 child, or leaving your DH to have more children.

OP, you might want to consider asking MN to move your thread to the step parenting board for some probably more helpful advice and support.

@FilthyforFirth

Yabu. If having multiple kids was important to you, you shouldnt have married someone with kids already.

Have your feelings never changed? I've said a couple of times, I was always okay with him saying he'd consider it. My feelings are more intense now than they were. I'm sure lots of people have said they'd be fine having no more and then changed their mind years down the line.

Not his fault of course but hardly unheard of.

Yabu surely you would had this conversation previously given he already had 2 existing children to consider aswell so adding 2 more dc was something he wouldn't consider as its too much physically and financially.

@Well1000

Yanbu and completely correct. But did it not cross your mind that he would always have 2 more children than you, and he may not want more because of that.

I agree with this. Its a conversation that should have happened before children. Its perfectly reasonable and understandable that he doesn't want more than 3 children. Of course though its not unreasonable that you would want more than 1.

As a family you do have three children and financially and emotionally you both have three children to think about.