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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to understand that his children aren't substitutes

323 replies

PallyTally · 19/03/2021 16:46

DH has 2 children from previous relationship and we have 1 together.

I am dealing with the age old I want more children but DH doesn't. I'm trying to come to terms with it but it's hard. I've accepted that's his decision though.

However, one thing that really gets to me is that he doesn't seem able to understand it from my POV. Whenever we've had conversations about it he always makes comments about how we already have 3 and he acts annoyed if I point out that we do not, he does. I have one and tells me that maybe I just need to work on 'accepting' the DSC more and it will help.

I am not unaccepting of DSC. But they aren't my children. And whilst I've accepted DHs decision that he doesn't want 4 children, I wish he would appreciate that for me that means no more than 1 child.

AIBU for asking him to be more sensitive about this and to understand that it isn't the same for me as it is for him.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/03/2021 17:31

Yanbu because the way he’s putting it is inaccurate and that would annoy me.

However, for one man to have four children is too many imo, given climate change etc

At the moment his having three, while a lot, is kind of off set by you having only one. This is unpopular but I think having four children is not right.

Voluptuagoodshag · 19/03/2021 17:32

I’d just like to point out that Chris Packham is an excellent role model. Despite splitting up with ex partner, he is still a step parent to Megan McCubbin. They clearly have a very close and loving relationship.

Your DH comes as a package with his kids. Why not embrace that and you too perhaps could ultimately reap the rewards of a similar relationship with your step kids.

I can sympathise with your DH here and see things from his point of view. He’ll possibly be interpreting what you say as ‘yeah I know you’ve two children but I don’t care about them and I just want my own’.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 19/03/2021 17:32

YANBU & he's being a selfish git (not wanting more when you only have one and he doesn't even have full time care/responsibility for the elder two) & he's being very unfair & unreasonable saying you just need to accept his older 2 as being 3 YOU have. You don't have parental responsibility for the older 2. No matter how much you love them & care about them, they aren't YOUR children.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 19/03/2021 17:33

You are not being unreasonable. You are thinking of your child as well as yourself. Your child will grow up to be essentially an only child, while your step-children will have each other as siblings.

Have you talked to your DH about the effect of his decision on his youngest child? Does he really think that the three of them will be "musketeers" - all for one and one for all?

SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2021 17:43

Op how old are all the kids and how often do you have them?

5zeds · 19/03/2021 17:46

I’d want a second too. For me but also for my child to have a sibling at home not just visiting.

ukgift2016 · 19/03/2021 17:46

Why are people calling this man selfish for not wanting a fourth child? Hmm

Lullaby88 · 19/03/2021 17:49

You are not being unreasonable OP. I undetstand ur perspective. U want a blood child of ur own. U want ur sibling to have a blood slibling to bond with. When the stepkids go to their Mums (if they do) then ur child would always company.

Lullaby88 · 19/03/2021 17:50

Lol im sorry my post made no sense. I meant u want ur child to have a blood sibling. Not ur sibling. Long day!

Gemma2019 · 19/03/2021 17:53

How old is your child together? Will there be a big gap if you had another, so he doesn't want to start over with the baby years again?

I could understand if he hadn't wanted any more after his first two, but it seems a bit odd to not want to go from 3 to 4 and deny his youngest a full sibling. It must be hard for you.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/03/2021 17:55

Why don't you use a sperm donor and then you'd have 2 children and he would still have 3 which is what he wanted.

RickiTarr · 19/03/2021 17:55

@ukgift2016

Why are people calling this man selfish for not wanting a fourth child? Hmm
Because to dictate that your partner have an only child when you have three, is just very unkind and egocentric. The jump from three to four isn’t that dramatic, specially when two of those are only with you part time.

A lot of people are fine with the idea of being or having an only child, but equally many, many people don’t consider that optimal.

OP’s opinion is just as valid as he DH’s but he seems to have claimed victory by default and she seems to feel the need to accept his decision because his preference is the one that involves maintaining the status quo.

merryhouse · 19/03/2021 17:56

Ask him how he - and his ex - would feel if you started parenting them as if you were their mother?

Voluptuagoodshag · 19/03/2021 17:57

Jeez the chap would have responsibility, financial and otherwise, for four kids. Kids don’t ask to be born into this world. Why do people put the ‘your kid will only have company some of the time’ spin on it! There are plenty only children out there. Do siblings always play together? Not always. They will have friends, your kid has two step siblings whom he/she may already think are great. Try putting a positive spin on it instead of a negative one.

Crosstrainer · 19/03/2021 17:59

He’s not unreasonable not to want another child - but he is unreasonable to expect that you think you have more than one child.

RickiTarr · 19/03/2021 18:01

@Voluptuagoodshag

Jeez the chap would have responsibility, financial and otherwise, for four kids. Kids don’t ask to be born into this world. Why do people put the ‘your kid will only have company some of the time’ spin on it! There are plenty only children out there. Do siblings always play together? Not always. They will have friends, your kid has two step siblings whom he/she may already think are great. Try putting a positive spin on it instead of a negative one.
Everyone has just been through a lockdown. We are told we are now in the age of pandemics. I can see how having your own complete little household now seems more of a concern than ever, quite honestly.
GreenBalaclava · 19/03/2021 18:02

Obviously YANBU for being sad about not having another child. And YANBU for not thinking your DSC are the same as having a child of your own.

However I don't think your DH is being very insensitive. Perhaps a bit unrealistic.

Does he have any nieces or nephews OP? Can you use them as an example to help explain that this doesn't mean you don't love your SDC - but it's still not the same as your own?

Original poster
PallyTally · 19/03/2021 18:02

They are 8 & 12 and are with us 50:50. Our child together is 2.

To be perfectly honest it's not really because of the only child thing, or not much anyway. I am an only child and I was and am perfectly happy being so. Obviously our child will also have siblings anyway, albeit quite a bit older.

I just find myself longing for more and sad that this will be it for me.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/03/2021 18:03

@Voluptuagoodshag

I’d just like to point out that Chris Packham is an excellent role model. Despite splitting up with ex partner, he is still a step parent to Megan McCubbin. They clearly have a very close and loving relationship.

Your DH comes as a package with his kids. Why not embrace that and you too perhaps could ultimately reap the rewards of a similar relationship with your step kids.

I can sympathise with your DH here and see things from his point of view. He’ll possibly be interpreting what you say as ‘yeah I know you’ve two children but I don’t care about them and I just want my own’.

I agree with that.

Those children are half siblings to your child so are family.

The one not wanting a child/more children should always have the final say. No one should be forced to be a parent to please a partner. He has three children he is responsible for both time and money wise, that’s plenty.

Of course the other person is free to leave to pursue their wants but that’s usually for the best as if the partner alone is not good enough for them the partner deserves to find someone else who does want the, for them not for what they can provide imo.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 19/03/2021 18:04

Step kids are a totally different kettle of fish. Yadnbu.

jessstan2 · 19/03/2021 18:04

Perhaps if you stopped mentioning it, he would stop saying 'We have three', which winds you up. He has three and I quite understand that being enough for him; I also understand you still feel broody but you do have a child, some people never have even one, so be glad of that, relax and enjoy.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2021 18:05

@RickiTarr

If anything you’re being much too accepting and accommodating. That’s a colossal self-centredness he is showing you.
What do you suggest she does? Bully him into another? Revise to have his kids over until she's impregnated with his sperm?
SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2021 18:05

*refuse

B33Fr33 · 19/03/2021 18:09

My husband is very much a parent to my eldest children. We frequently discuss our children. He considers his three children him and done. YABU and deliberately distancing yourself from an opportunity for the children IN your life to be part of your family. You're keeping them (and him) at arms length whilst you're focused on what you want.

You should have considered all this at the start of the relationship. Now you're holding one of his kids to ransom by demanding more.

5zeds · 19/03/2021 18:09

Well I guess you could have one without him?

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