I don't want to celebrate their wedding

[Murtaghjames]

Brother in law and his fiancee are getting married soon. Fiancee has always wanted a big wedding and has been planning it for years. However due to Covid they have decided to get the legal stuff out of the way and have booked a registry office. Parents and their own children are allowed to attend. Bil (DH brother) has sent a message in their family what's app group inviting close family over to their home the day of the wedding for some food. I really don't want to go, I've a difficult relationship with my in laws and don't enjoy their company. I have to take my children out of school early as wedding is on a weekday. DH has to take a half day from work. I really just can't be bothered. I suppose I still hold a lot of resentment from when myself and DH got married. Mil was a nightmare and his brothers didn't attend wedding as we got married abroad, which is fine but they never acknowledged it. There has been two other family weddings and of course mil has gone all out for them and always makes snarky little comments about my wedding. I just really don't want to go and put a face on and pretend Im happy to be there. I understand DH wanting to go and he really would like me to go but not in a pressurising way. How do I get out of it without being seen as an absolute bitch which they will think I am.

Why do you care what they think of you?
How would your husband feel f you didn’t go, more to the point.

How unfortunate that you can't take the kids out of school early, but they've already missed so much this year! Leave your DH to fend for himself, they're his family!

YANBU - in law relationships can be very difficult but you have a good excuse.

Husband really would like me to go as everybody else will be there with their partners. I know I shouldn't care what they think of me but I don't want to make the situation worse than it is. DH has told the kids about it and so they are excited to go.

If they already think you're a bitch then you don't have anything to worry about, right? Your husband can go and you can stay home. I wouldn't waste another second of emotional energy thinking about this.

Husband really would like me to go as everybody else will be there with their partners.

Tell your husband you really would like for his mother to treat you respectfully, but she doesn't, and she won't so you're not going. That's how that works.

I think that taking any child out of school for any reason that is not an emergency will be disruptive
They have missed enough schooling already

I would go as I wouldn’t want my partner to be the only one there. Also it does make you look like you have a chip on your shoulder not attending....which I suppose you do.

Don’t go if you don’t want too.

I wouldn’t have a problem because they didn’t go to your wedding when it was abroad!! Lots of people for many reasons can’t make weddings that are done in another country and I imagine that through your choice (yours as in you and your husband) many of the family didn’t get to see their brother/son marry.

@Aquamarine1029

If they already think you're a bitch then you don't have anything to worry about, right? Your husband can go and you can stay home. I wouldn't waste another second of emotional energy thinking about this.

Pretty much this. They already seem to actively dislike you, why bother? Don't do anything that doesn't suit you. The only concern I would have, a pp said, is your husbands feelings. Prehaps when DC have finished school that day, you could show your face for an hour or so. There is nothing to say you have to be there all day, inconvenience yourself or your children by taking them out of school. If you show up for an hour or so, I cant be said you didn't go.

However, if it really fills you with dread, simply don't do it. In the scheme of things, it really doesn't make any difference.

@Aquamarine1029 my DH has on many occasions gone nc with his mother over the way she has treated me. He doesn't let her away with it but she is a sneaky cow.
@Magnificentmug12, yes I do have a chip on my shoulder about my own wedding but this is more to do with my mil than his brothers. I didn't invite people to the wedding as it was abroad which was our choice. If anybody wanted to come they were more than welcome but we never expected anybody to attend. It's just that prior to the wedding and after it it was never mentioned, not even a card from any of them.

It's the thoughts of listening to mil going on about their wedding and how great it was when she ruined my wedding her comments and tantrums.

@SimplyMarvellousDarrrrrrling, I totally agree because I never take my children out of school unless they have to attend a medical appointment so that's annoying me too.

I just wouldn’t go.

Maybe position it to your husband that given the way your MIL is with you, she may behave badly towards you, which would be very obvious with a small group of people. It’s a special day for your BIL, so to avoid drama, you think it best not to go.
Would you mind your husband and DC going, if they’re looking forward to it?
Your DH could give the excuse that you couldn’t take the time off work to attend.

It was a bit naughty of your husband to mention it to the children before you had spoken about it! He's a big boy, surely he can navigate a family event without you?

The options are limited to either go along and suck the negativity up or don't go and don't waste your time thinking about what they think of you.

I'd go personally. Life's too short. You don't have to involve yourself too much if you don't want to.

As for you wedding dramas, overseas weddings are a bit contentious. SIL was going to get married in abroad, as it was cheaper. For her. Not for us. The flights, accommodation, present etc would have cost us well over our annual holiday budget and would have meant we couldn't have gone anywhere else all year. It's really selfish. Of course there is the option not to go, but that creates bad feeling. You seem fairly annoyed by your BILs no show. Maybe you should try and understand the other side of why your ILs snark about your wedding. They probably consider you a bit of a me me me self centred cow. I'm not saying you are, I'm just saying it could be perceived that way. I certainly consider my SIL to be a bit of a me me me selfish cow who doesn't like to put herself out for others but expects the opposite in return.

@NRE20,I have no problem with DH and DC going. They actually attended his other brothers wedding without me as I was disinvited at the last minute because myself and mil were not talking and they felt it would be too awkward for everyone. This was a wedding with over 200 people! DH didn't want to go but I insisted as it was his brother and our DC were flower girls. That is another reason I don't want to go to this celebration.

You're reinforcing what they think about you. Just go. It isn't about you stop being dramatic

@goodbyegreenbelt, I understand what your saying about weddings abroad but we actually didn't invite anybody, we basically said we are getting married abroad, no pressure to come it you are more than welcome if you would like to. It was the fact there was no mention of itoreven a card given that upsets me. Our wedding was never acknowledgedand that's why I'm fí ding it hard to celebrate this wedding.

But your about to do the same thing to the brother that your upset they done to you!?

Just ignore the mother in law, doesn’t matter if you like it or not she is in your life for a very long time so either get on with it or stay away from all family events- which does make you look like your the one with the problem.

I sympathise, it’s a shit situation, but your an adult so deal with it.

Any comments from the MIL just reply with “well that’s rude” and roll your eyes.

I think it in a way is too late as your DH has spoken to your DC. Perhaps a brief appearance may be the answer.

When is this happening ?

If it was your mil party then I’d understand but I don’t think I’d snub your bil and sil just because of her unless you want to fall out with them

Don’t go. Life is too short to put up with people (family or not) that are horrible to you. The kids will be disappointed but you can manage that, don’t put yourself though it.

'You're reinforcing what they think about you. Just go. It isn't about you stop being dramatic'

This. Just go, kill them with kindness. Be the better person and just smile like you couldn't care less what they think. I'd do it for dh's sake tbh.

[quote Murtaghjames]@goodbyegreenbelt, I understand what your saying about weddings abroad but we actually didn't invite anybody, we basically said we are getting married abroad, no pressure to come it you are more than welcome if you would like to. It was the fact there was no mention of itoreven a card given that upsets me. Our wedding was never acknowledgedand that's why I'm fí ding it hard to celebrate this wedding.[/quote]
It's not simply a case of 'we didn't put any pressure on them to come', is it? They will have wanted to go to their brother's wedding and probably felt snubbed that you went abroad to do it even though that meant they couldn't come.
And now you want to snub them more by refusing to attend his brother's wedding.