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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to celebrate their wedding

214 replies

Murtaghjames · 18/03/2021 13:31

Brother in law and his fiancee are getting married soon. Fiancee has always wanted a big wedding and has been planning it for years. However due to Covid they have decided to get the legal stuff out of the way and have booked a registry office. Parents and their own children are allowed to attend. Bil (DH brother) has sent a message in their family what's app group inviting close family over to their home the day of the wedding for some food. I really don't want to go, I've a difficult relationship with my in laws and don't enjoy their company. I have to take my children out of school early as wedding is on a weekday. DH has to take a half day from work. I really just can't be bothered. I suppose I still hold a lot of resentment from when myself and DH got married. Mil was a nightmare and his brothers didn't attend wedding as we got married abroad, which is fine but they never acknowledged it. There has been two other family weddings and of course mil has gone all out for them and always makes snarky little comments about my wedding. I just really don't want to go and put a face on and pretend Im happy to be there. I understand DH wanting to go and he really would like me to go but not in a pressurising way. How do I get out of it without being seen as an absolute bitch which they will think I am.

OP posts:
NoDramaMama14 · 18/03/2021 14:54

Op you sound a bit precious to be honest. Don't go then, simple.

ElizaLaLa · 18/03/2021 14:55

Yabu. You can't have your wedding abroad and still expect everyone to 'go all out' for it.

GreenSlide · 18/03/2021 14:55

You can't really blame his brothers for not going to your wedding if it was abroad and they weren't invited Confused it would be bad form not to go, certainly wouldn't help relations.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 18/03/2021 14:55

'Just don't go. Luge is too short to play stupid games, such as killing them with kindness etc'

It isn't 'stupid games' to just go along for her dh's sake, be pleasant then leave is it? Or, she could go nc which seems to be many mnetter's solution.

notalwaysalondoner · 18/03/2021 14:56

I'm going to go against the grain here - it's one evening/afternoon, you've said yourself your issue isn't really with your brother-in-law but your MIL, when it's not her day, and your DH really, really wants you to come. I would bite the bullet, go, and make it clear in advance that you will be avoiding his MIL and he should help you do that. It's not just about your MIL and your feelings about her, it's also about your DH, your kids, and your BIL and his fiance. Especially when it's such a small group it sounds like your BIL wants you both there.

Aprilx · 18/03/2021 14:57

I think we sometimes have to suck it up and go to in-law events. It is the decent thing to do, boycotting events is not going to help family relationships.

Derbee · 18/03/2021 14:59

You sound like you handled your wedding plans terribly, and caused a lot of hurt/anger. Then cemented it by deciding against the party you’d planned, because you then decided that you couldn’t be arsed.

Everything you’ve said here, implies that you are the issue and your in laws are sad/resentful that their family member has married someone who is hostile and hard work.

Either carry on, and let them think that, or suck it up, go to the wedding, and try to stop making everything about you?

HasaDigaEebowai · 18/03/2021 14:59

Sorry OP I agree with the others who have said that this is a drama of your making when you decided to get married abroad.

ExcusesAndAccusations · 18/03/2021 15:02

Based on your version of events your MIL sounds like a nightmare, but it’s not her wedding. It would be hugely unreasonable to boycott someone else’s wedding with no good excuse because someone you dislike will be there.

diddl · 18/03/2021 15:04

So when you were disinvited from one the wedding-how come your husband & kids still went?

Dunairbeanat · 18/03/2021 15:06

Why is it the decent thing to do?
We wouldn't expect this level of rudeness /disrespect from others.
Why should we accept it from so called family?
If you are invited to an overseas wedding the bride and groom don't expect everyone to attend.
Another (zombie) thread on here today with posters complaining about trivial and huge impositions. Why are family any different?

emmathedilemma · 18/03/2021 15:07

Use the excuse of the kids being at school, let your DH go one his own initially, you take the kids over later, stay long enough to make it look like you've made an effort and all head home in time for the kids to do homework / go to bed.

notveryhappyhere · 18/03/2021 15:07

Just go, do it for your husband.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/03/2021 15:09

Why would his family make a fuss when you didn’t invite them to the wedding or bother to organise a party after?

Can you not see this situation is largely due to your and your dh’s total lack of respect for his family?

Viviennemary · 18/03/2021 15:12

You just have to suck it up and go. We've all done it at one time or another.

RedcurrantPuff · 18/03/2021 15:15

If you don’t want to go don’t go. So what if they think you’re a bitch. Do you actually care what they think of you?

minniemoocher · 18/03/2021 15:17

So you chose to marry abroad which resulted in people not being able to attend? Yes that often happens. That's no reason not to attend your husbands brothers wedding. Taking a half day from work is a much smaller ask than you made of them, as to school, pick them up at lunchtime.

minniemoocher · 18/03/2021 15:20

Not having a party after your wedding was pretty amiss tbh- a month later or do you couldn't still be tired!

ExtraordinaryQuince · 18/03/2021 15:20

Arrive later and show your face?

Original poster
Murtaghjames · 18/03/2021 15:22

We would have loved DH brothers to attend our wedding. As I previously stated mil told us not to invite them as they would feel obliged to go the way she did. We told them we were getting married abroad and would love for them to be there but understood that it may be not possible and that it was fine, which it was and still is. I don't think it's too much to expect a card or a text the say we got married. My two sisters didn't attend due to work, family commitments and I had no problem with that.We had a nice night away with my close friends and family to celebrate and mil was invited but she declined. Just to add myself and DH paid for the flights and accommodation for our parents to come to the wedding. I knew I would never want a big wedding in my own country as its just not me and my Dad had passed away a few years previous so I really didn't want a big day.We didn't have the party when we got home as the wedding was too stressful and I found out I was pregnant on our wedding day and so yes I didn't need anymore stress or aggro. I'm not precious or hard work as somebody suggested. My mil is utterly vile and has never given me a minute, she has actually said I'm harder on you because I expect more from you! I encouraged DH to attend the other wedding as it was his brother and our DC were in the wedding party. He didn't want to go, he came home soon after the meal was finished.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 18/03/2021 15:22

Don’t go then. I couldn’t be bothered with the effort

WhyMeLord · 18/03/2021 15:23

@Derbee

You sound like you handled your wedding plans terribly, and caused a lot of hurt/anger. Then cemented it by deciding against the party you’d planned, because you then decided that you couldn’t be arsed.

Everything you’ve said here, implies that you are the issue and your in laws are sad/resentful that their family member has married someone who is hostile and hard work.

Either carry on, and let them think that, or suck it up, go to the wedding, and try to stop making everything about you?

Barring a massive backstory dripfeed, I totally agree with this take on the situation
JosephineBaker · 18/03/2021 15:23

Just go.

Go for your husband and your kids. They are bound to feel a bit awkward if you’re boycotting the event. Suck it up for an evening and smile, for your family’s sake.

Original poster
Murtaghjames · 18/03/2021 15:23

It's not that I don't want to attend bil wedding, I've no issue with him or his fiancee. I just know what mil is like and there will be nasty little jabs aimed at me all day.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 18/03/2021 15:24

Thats the problem of weddings abroad, rather than at home and a nice honeymoon. People do feel obligated to go depending on relation.