I don't want to celebrate their wedding

[Murtaghjames]

Brother in law and his fiancee are getting married soon. Fiancee has always wanted a big wedding and has been planning it for years. However due to Covid they have decided to get the legal stuff out of the way and have booked a registry office. Parents and their own children are allowed to attend. Bil (DH brother) has sent a message in their family what's app group inviting close family over to their home the day of the wedding for some food. I really don't want to go, I've a difficult relationship with my in laws and don't enjoy their company. I have to take my children out of school early as wedding is on a weekday. DH has to take a half day from work. I really just can't be bothered. I suppose I still hold a lot of resentment from when myself and DH got married. Mil was a nightmare and his brothers didn't attend wedding as we got married abroad, which is fine but they never acknowledged it. There has been two other family weddings and of course mil has gone all out for them and always makes snarky little comments about my wedding. I just really don't want to go and put a face on and pretend Im happy to be there. I understand DH wanting to go and he really would like me to go but not in a pressurising way. How do I get out of it without being seen as an absolute bitch which they will think I am.

[quote Murtaghjames]@Babyboomtastic,she told us our wedding was a joke. Constantly comments on my appearance, accent, parenting, my home.. Everything. I have seen a counsellor to learn how to deal with her. Obviously my counsellor has more details. Counsellor told me that she us threatened and jealous of me. She can lord it over the other sils but she can't with me. She wants to be top dog. She can't accept that I'm more educated, attractive and out of her league. Everything I am she aspires to be. This is from my counsellor. Mil has notions. I'm from a well of family, there is family money, I'm educated, I speak nice, my dc attend a lovely school and have their extra curriculur activities. I basically do the things she never did and I'm punished for that.[/quote]
Ugh. I hate hate HATE it when people come out with this whole 'she's jealous of me thing'

What are you, 14 years old? Your counsellor sounds the same age, frankly.

This is the time to put your DH first, frankly. It's his family, it's his brother. Step up. It's only a few hours but it's clearly important to him. And as I said before, not going plays into your MIL's hands if she the person you think.

[quote Murtaghjames]@Babyboomtastic,I didn't say I thought this. My counsellor said this. I don't think I'm better than anyone.[/quote]
Clearly you do, or you wouldn't have said this:
I'm more educated, attractive and out of her league. Everything I am she aspires to be.

You don't say that you're out of someone's league, if you don't think you're better than them

@saraclara,my counsellor said that. Other family members have also said this when they have witnessed her behaviour towards me.

I have never said this.

Hmm, I think you should don your best outfit, dress the children beautifully and go. Then she will have nothin to complain about. There is nothing to be gained from being confrontational.
‘I’m educated, I speak nice’ 😏

@Knitterbabe, we don't live in England so not so much of a class divide. I can't help if I'm educated and speak nice. My mil is obsessed with appearances as in Hyacinth Bucket.

[quote Murtaghjames]@Knitterbabe, we don't live in England so not so much of a class divide. I can't help if I'm educated and speak nice. My mil is obsessed with appearances as in Hyacinth Bucket.[/quote]
Are you being ironic here?

I think you need to let the past go. By having a wedding abroad, you run the risk of people not being able to attend.

Unclench, and smile. It's one afternoon of your life and important to your DH.

You should be by his side, and there for your dc.

[quote Murtaghjames]@Babyboomtastic,she told us our wedding was a joke. Constantly comments on my appearance, accent, parenting, my home.. Everything. I have seen a counsellor to learn how to deal with her. Obviously my counsellor has more details. Counsellor told me that she us threatened and jealous of me. She can lord it over the other sils but she can't with me. She wants to be top dog. She can't accept that I'm more educated, attractive and out of her league. Everything I am she aspires to be. This is from my counsellor. Mil has notions. I'm from a well of family, there is family money, I'm educated, I speak nice, my dc attend a lovely school and have their extra curriculur activities. I basically do the things she never did and I'm punished for that.[/quote]
'I speak nice'

Yes I do speak nice, that's nothing to be ashamed of. My upbringing was different.

I think you need to let the past go.

That. 100%

This whole wedding thing seems to have defined your relationship with your DH's family. A lot of it was under your control, so for goodness' sake, let it go.

We live somewhere where people have very noticeable accents. My accent is not so strong. I'm not allowed to speak nice?

Sounds like its too late with Dh and children excited. Just suck it up and go. It's someone else's wedding and not about you. Just steer clear of people.you dont like, internally roll your eyes at any comments and avoid drama.

So do loxal people and your husband family all speak poorly because they have accents then? Do they know you look down on how they talk?

Your are coming across worse and worse through this thread. You really seen to look down on his family.

Stuff it OP - don't go - save money on the outfit to treat yourself. I'd not go anywhere where I was expected to tolerate a PITA.

@SunshineCake

Your dh is fine with you not going so don't go.

It was so liberating for me when I decided not to go somewhere for lunch and nothing bad happened. I go when I genuinely want to now which is 99% of the time.

But this isn't just a lunch. This is the wedding of one of her dc Godparents.

@Babyboomtastic,you are really reaching now. I never said I thought their accent was bad. Everybody has an accent. Mil constantly comments on my accent.

I know that @Chicchicchicchiclana. I can read but the advice still stands.

@Murtaghjames

We live somewhere where people have very noticeable accents. My accent is not so strong. I'm not allowed to speak nice?

I was referring to the word nice. You speak about being educated.

If one of my siblings didn't invite me to their wedding I'd be upset. I wouldn't be talking about it a lot afterwards.

So you don't get on with your MIL. Fine, she's one person at a wedding. You've been invited by the bride and groom and your husband would like you to go. Surely you can be an adult and be in the same room as MIL?

Not impressed by your counsellor.

@Newkitchen123, I have been constantly told I speak nice. As I said we don't live in England so completely different. Yes I am educated. I have two degrees and I'm currently working toward being a barrister. I should be ashamed really shouldn't I

@bluegreygreen,they were invited

OP, you sound like hard work. I would be fascinated to hear the other side of the story

I didn't invite people to the wedding as it was abroad

we actually didn't invite anybody

We didn't send invites

[quote Murtaghjames]@Newkitchen123, I have been constantly told I speak nice. As I said we don't live in England so completely different. Yes I am educated. I have two degrees and I'm currently working toward being a barrister. I should be ashamed really shouldn't I[/quote]
Nowhere have you said that English is not your first language.
Just for the record, the word is nicely, not nice. Just in case you ever need it in your two degrees. It's an adverb.