I don't want to celebrate their wedding

[Murtaghjames]

Brother in law and his fiancee are getting married soon. Fiancee has always wanted a big wedding and has been planning it for years. However due to Covid they have decided to get the legal stuff out of the way and have booked a registry office. Parents and their own children are allowed to attend. Bil (DH brother) has sent a message in their family what's app group inviting close family over to their home the day of the wedding for some food. I really don't want to go, I've a difficult relationship with my in laws and don't enjoy their company. I have to take my children out of school early as wedding is on a weekday. DH has to take a half day from work. I really just can't be bothered. I suppose I still hold a lot of resentment from when myself and DH got married. Mil was a nightmare and his brothers didn't attend wedding as we got married abroad, which is fine but they never acknowledged it. There has been two other family weddings and of course mil has gone all out for them and always makes snarky little comments about my wedding. I just really don't want to go and put a face on and pretend Im happy to be there. I understand DH wanting to go and he really would like me to go but not in a pressurising way. How do I get out of it without being seen as an absolute bitch which they will think I am.

We didn't send invites. We asked them in person.

Having read all of your comments, I personally think your mil has really damaged your relationship with her other sons and not going would be playing straight into her hands.

You saw fit for them to be godparents. So time to draw a line under the fact that these two, presumably at the time, young men, didn’t acknowledge your wedding formally. It’s done and tbh really is the same as you not officially sending formal invites to them. Idk why they didn’t attend the male celebration. Perhaps they were also hurt.

Or.... perhaps your mil was also pulling their strings as well and telling them not to attend because you couldn’t even be bothered to send them formal invites so you didn’t really want them to be part of the wedding party.

Therefore, personally I’d circumvent your mil. Put the past behind you. Send a lovely card saying you all can’t wait to celebrate their special day with them, plaster a smile, gush congratulations and let your kids have a fun day. God only knows, we could do with some joy after the past 12 months.

And if you really want to be the adult in the room, you could go up to the other bil and wife and congratulate them. Tell them, you’re sorry there was a misunderstanding between you all, which meant you missed out on seeing them get married and you hope everyone can put it behind them.

And when your mil comments on your accent or anything else, grey rock. She only makes herself look stupid.

@Newkitchen123 , thanks, noted.

@Newkitchen123 as OP doesn;t live in the UK, it's possible that English isn't her first language.

@Murtaghjames Newkitchen is pointing out in a subtle/snide way, that grammatically it's "I speak nicely" not, "I speak nice". Though "I speak well" is the usual construction.

ah....cross posted.

@Mummyoflittledragon, thank you. You understand and I agree.

I thought @Newkitchen123 's post was very polite

Oops also crossposted

Sometimes it's best to put up and shut up.
We've all been there
It's about being there for the greater good. Withdrawing yourself might create bigger tensions.

It isn’t your mils wedding though, so I would go. If you really don’t want to, Dh can phone Bil and say you are both a bit worried with a small amount of people that mil will be rude to you and upset their day- you’d hate that. Do they still want you to come?
Otherwise you’re just playing into mils hands really. She won’t be there forever and it might be nice to still have a relationship with the rest of them then.

Sorry Op but you’re coming across awfully here.

I think you could get away with not going, but it won't be nice for your husband, and you are souring the relationship he has with his family and shadowing the happy memories that he could be making.

However, it doesn't sound as though he has been able or adept at explaining the family dynamics very well to you, and I can see that might have hindered you in understanding them better and resolving issues..

Knowing his mother as well as he does, it would have been good if he could have explained her attitudes to you, and basically made peace between you all. I imagine she was upset with your wedding abroad because it made it difficult for family to go. It can be annoying, but isn't unusual to find older relatives wanting their family close and for things to revolve around them, somewhat.

It's also nice for your kids to have cousins etc, and for you all to be close.
Do your own elder relations have an opinion, since they would be able to understand the grandparent perspective, yet know you and your outlook very well? Speaking to them might light the way to a happy harmonising of the discord.

You have an enormously high opinion of yourself, which must cushion you from feeling sensitive and vulnerable to hurt. I would put your husband first and try to use goodwill to break down some of the ill-feeling which has been building up.

@bluegreygreen

I thought *@Newkitchen123* 's post was very polite

Thank you. Other posts by OP show that they live in a village with pubs and tesco express. Sounds like the UK to me.

@Mummyoflittledragon has posted superb advice there. I think you should do exactly as she suggests.

It's time your MIL's stranglehold on everybody else's family relationships came to an end. And it can be done bloodlessly and without drama. Head up, smile on, and simply bypass the woman entirely.

I do see you've been very upset OP, and maybe you should rationalise it and say all the dramas shouldn't be allowed to upset your life. I can see that a person can be confident, yet emotionally sensitive.

Can you try to laugh off your MIL's silly behaviour? Is there someone you could laugh about it with, then, put on a smile and just go to the day, for the sake of the other relationships in the family?

Just try and rise above it. It will be good practice for all sorts of events, later on in life, at work or with kids as they are growing up. But maybe say to your DH that you don't want to keep talking about the day after it has happened

@Newkitchen123,showing your class and ignorance there. Definately not in England.

@sadpapercourtesan,totally agree, hit the nail on the head

@Newkitchen123,flattered you toom the time to look me up. My biggest fan.

Took

But do you live in the UK OP?

Honestly OP just read back through your own thread. You sound awful. Self centred, arrogant and hard work. You might be lovely of course but you’re not coming across that way. You should perhaps reflect on whether that alters the way people respond to you. Which country do you live in?

The OP lives in Ireland and has been a SAHM for 13 years, and a beautian before that, and is about to open up a shop, or possibly a cafe...

@Babyboomtastic A+ for your investigative work. Bit sad really.

Go to the wedding for your family. Tbh you sound like the problem here and are making things difficult for your husbands family. You didn’t want them at your wedding but feel annoyed that they didn’t make a fuss about the wedding you didn’t invite them too ?

So did you do your 2 degrees prior to your 13 years at home as a SAHM? Or whilst your were a SAHM? 🤔