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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to celebrate their wedding

214 replies

Murtaghjames · 18/03/2021 13:31

Brother in law and his fiancee are getting married soon. Fiancee has always wanted a big wedding and has been planning it for years. However due to Covid they have decided to get the legal stuff out of the way and have booked a registry office. Parents and their own children are allowed to attend. Bil (DH brother) has sent a message in their family what's app group inviting close family over to their home the day of the wedding for some food. I really don't want to go, I've a difficult relationship with my in laws and don't enjoy their company. I have to take my children out of school early as wedding is on a weekday. DH has to take a half day from work. I really just can't be bothered. I suppose I still hold a lot of resentment from when myself and DH got married. Mil was a nightmare and his brothers didn't attend wedding as we got married abroad, which is fine but they never acknowledged it. There has been two other family weddings and of course mil has gone all out for them and always makes snarky little comments about my wedding. I just really don't want to go and put a face on and pretend Im happy to be there. I understand DH wanting to go and he really would like me to go but not in a pressurising way. How do I get out of it without being seen as an absolute bitch which they will think I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Murtaghjames · 18/03/2021 16:45

Why should I have a wedding to suit my mil??? Her sons were invited. Yes I didn't have a party as I was pregnant and exhausted.A party was never a given, it was something me and DH considered. Nobody had a probkem with all of this only mil and apparantly mumsnetters Confused

OP posts:
raincamepouringdown · 18/03/2021 16:48

[quote Murtaghjames]@NRE20,I have no problem with DH and DC going. They actually attended his other brothers wedding without me as I was disinvited at the last minute because myself and mil were not talking and they felt it would be too awkward for everyone. This was a wedding with over 200 people! DH didn't want to go but I insisted as it was his brother and our DC were flower girls. That is another reason I don't want to go to this celebration.[/quote]
That right there is why I wouldn't attend ... you have already been disinvited from a family wedding, they've made their feelings about your clear. So why would you go now?

PurpleBiro21 · 18/03/2021 16:50

In short, you don’t want to go to BIL wedding in case MIL says something nasty to you?

How far is it? I’d go and join my DH after I collect the kids from school.

Generally I’d keep distance from MIL but if she said something along the examples you’ve used I’d just agree and nod ‘yes bride does look beautiful doesn’t she?’ And leave it at that.

SoulofanAggron · 18/03/2021 16:50

I'm not saying it's pleasant, but IDK about not going to your BiL's wedding unless maybe by feigning illness.

Unless you have some sort of private convo with BiL about why maybe, and perhaps see him and his wife at a later date?

If you don't go without explanation, unless you say some deliberate extra warm words to BiL, even if he knows how you feel, it could feel to them all like you don't want anything to do with the whole of their side of the family.

So you would be best to say/do something to explain to BiL and his fiancee, so they don't feel included in your dislike.

Be sure to make an effort to do something warm, some gestures, gifts etc.

I'm not saying you have to explain yourself, but that it'd stop them from feeling you don't give a shit about them and they are included in your dislike.

Megan2018 · 18/03/2021 16:50

I’d develop a cough on the day. Unfortunate Wink

SoulofanAggron · 18/03/2021 16:51

I would go and as PP said, avoid MiL as much as you can. It mightn't be as nasty as you think.

OurChristmasMiracle · 18/03/2021 16:53

Oh what’s that OP school wouldn’t authorise leave and as a result you have to do school pick up. Such a shame but kids come first....

plumplestiltskin · 18/03/2021 16:54

@Usagi12

Just let your husband go with the kids and develop a migraine on the day. I always do this with my ILs, they think I suffer terribly, never had a migraine in my life 👍
Lucky you. Answers like this are why those with chronic migraines aren't taken seriously enough Hmm
Original poster
Murtaghjames · 18/03/2021 16:59

Yes I want to go to bil wedding but as there are only going to be a few people it's going to be harder to avoid her. They will be having another wedding when restrictions are fully lifted. The wedding now is really only a formality (their words, not mine).

OP posts:
lydia2021 · 18/03/2021 17:04

Weddings, funerals etc bring out the worst in people. Dont go if you dont want to. My inlaws are casting about how not to go to their sons wedding in the summer . I am not going, refuse to, as the bride ?, pretty much assaulted the grooms kids. Cant stand the woman. I give it a year. Waste of everyone's time. Got better things to do

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 18/03/2021 17:08

Don’t go, life is too short. Life is full of upset we cannot avoid don’t put yourself into upsetting situations you can avoid

MissConductUS · 18/03/2021 17:10

@thecatandthevicar

I didn't invite people to the wedding as it was abroad which was our choice. If anybody wanted to come they were more than welcome

what do you mean, you didn't INVITE people? Confused

Mil was a nightmare and his brothers didn't attend wedding but did you, or did you not, INVITE THEM?!?

If you don't invite them, you are the one with the attitude, and very unreasonable to expect a big fuss frankly. It's not up to other people to organise any kind of party or celebration for YOUR wedding.

This exactly. Why would I acknowledge a wedding I wasn't invited to?

You should have sent out invitations while making it clear that you understood many would not want to travel that far. Then they would have had the option to come. If you aren't invited, you can't attend.

saraclara · 18/03/2021 17:12

You've said over and over again that you have no problem with BIL and his fiancee. Why should they (and your DH and your DC) suffer because of your problems with your MIL? You're giving her all the power, and you're hurting multiple other people because you 'can't be bothered'.

That's really crappy of you actually. You have so much resentment about your own wedding, but you're about to do something to spoil someone else's.

This wedding is not about you. It's about the couple, and your DH and kids.

Original poster
Murtaghjames · 18/03/2021 17:13

They were invited in person.

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 18/03/2021 17:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

MixedUpFiles · 18/03/2021 17:14

When you decide that you don’t care about your family being at your wedding, you can’t then be surprised that they don’t celebrate your wedding. You are being a massive hypocrite.

BIL has to have a weekday wedding because of a pandemic. Have a little flexibility and take the kids out of school early for one day.

Original poster
Murtaghjames · 18/03/2021 17:14

I'm not hurting anybody. It's not a case of I can't be bothered. I've repeatedly said I want to go but mils behaviour towards me has been deplorable and I don't want to deal with her.

OP posts:
Andylion · 18/03/2021 17:15

I have no issue with bil or fiancee, they are God parents to our youngest child.

Then go to their wedding.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/03/2021 17:15

I hate weddings abroad as they just put all the costs and pressure on the guests so I can see why your MIL would have her own thoughts on it. Not to mention her son got married at a choice of venue that excluded his family from attending.
I wouldn’t expect cards or gifts from people that didn’t attend. Why would you?
Let your DH go rather than you go and resent it.

Original poster
Murtaghjames · 18/03/2021 17:16

I'm not annoyed they didn't come but a card or text would have been nice, that's all.

OP posts:
Nith · 18/03/2021 17:16

If your DH wants you to go, suck it up and go and support him. It's only one day. As suggested, go with your head held high fully ready to stick up for yourself against any digs.

Dunairbeanat · 18/03/2021 17:21

I am with you murtagh Smile

AlwaysLatte · 18/03/2021 17:24

I would go, it might go some way toward building bridges but if not then at least you are supporting your DH.

C3SC · 18/03/2021 17:26

I would go, get MIL cornered in the ladies and give her a good thrashing:)

tiredybear · 18/03/2021 17:28

If it were me, I'd go, hold my head up high and (try my best to) be an utter delight to everyone and have a really enjoyable time....just to spite her!

You can't let toxic people like this win. If you want to go, go. Don't let her presence stop you...why would you give her this much power and influence over you?

Every time she starts with any shit just smile and walk away. Say nothing. It will drive her crazy to not be able to get on your nerves!!