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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want to celebrate their wedding

214 replies

Murtaghjames · 18/03/2021 13:31

Brother in law and his fiancee are getting married soon. Fiancee has always wanted a big wedding and has been planning it for years. However due to Covid they have decided to get the legal stuff out of the way and have booked a registry office. Parents and their own children are allowed to attend. Bil (DH brother) has sent a message in their family what's app group inviting close family over to their home the day of the wedding for some food. I really don't want to go, I've a difficult relationship with my in laws and don't enjoy their company. I have to take my children out of school early as wedding is on a weekday. DH has to take a half day from work. I really just can't be bothered. I suppose I still hold a lot of resentment from when myself and DH got married. Mil was a nightmare and his brothers didn't attend wedding as we got married abroad, which is fine but they never acknowledged it. There has been two other family weddings and of course mil has gone all out for them and always makes snarky little comments about my wedding. I just really don't want to go and put a face on and pretend Im happy to be there. I understand DH wanting to go and he really would like me to go but not in a pressurising way. How do I get out of it without being seen as an absolute bitch which they will think I am.

OP posts:

GreenSlide · 18/03/2021 15:27

@Dunairbeanat

Why is it the decent thing to do? We wouldn't expect this level of rudeness /disrespect from others. Why should we accept it from so called family? If you are invited to an overseas wedding the bride and groom don't expect everyone to attend. Another (zombie) thread on here today with posters complaining about trivial and huge impositions. Why are family any different?

Rudeness and disrespect would be not going to your brother in laws wedding because you can't be bothered.

BrilliantBetty · 18/03/2021 15:28

I think you're just going to have this playing on your mind until the day.

Is it local? Could you pop in very briefly?

If it's further away just decline, since the children really do have school. And school is priority right now after this year.

GrumpyHoonMain · 18/03/2021 15:29

@Derbee

You sound like you handled your wedding plans terribly, and caused a lot of hurt/anger. Then cemented it by deciding against the party you’d planned, because you then decided that you couldn’t be arsed.

Everything you’ve said here, implies that you are the issue and your in laws are sad/resentful that their family member has married someone who is hostile and hard work.

Either carry on, and let them think that, or suck it up, go to the wedding, and try to stop making everything about you?

This.

Sometimes it takes strangers on the internet to tell you the truth, and I think you have your answer here. It’s up to you whether to take it or not OP.

OllyBJolly · 18/03/2021 15:31

Geez what a drama. You sound hard work, OP.

I really don't think the MIL will be focused on you at her son's wedding, unless you're sitting there with a face on.

This is not about you. Your BIL is getting married (not in their preferred way), your DH and DCs want to attend. Just grow up and go.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 18/03/2021 15:31

Just go and ignore MIL, literally walk away every time she's near you. However, make sure you have The Best Time!

Babyboomtastic · 18/03/2021 15:34

Rights and wrongs of the past aside (and I'm sorry, but it does sound like you are being a bit unreasonable about this), I think it would be rude and unfair to refuse to go to their wedding when your issue is with MIL and not the brothers.

You are both adults, and should put aside your squabble and history to celebrate a family wedding. If she wants to grumble and make snide comments, then that's her choice, just ignore it.

One of you taking a half day, and a few hours off school is hardly disruptive, and pales into insignificance compared to the time off people would have needed to have taken to attend your wedding abroad.

Seafog · 18/03/2021 15:38

So you didn't actually invite them to your wedding, you didn't go ahead with the party when you got back as they had been led to believe would happen, and then you are annoyed they didn't celebrate it?
And now you are going to miss a second family wedding, when you aren't even mad at the wedding couple,and then say you worry they will think badly of you....
Your actions don't match your words

Andylion · 18/03/2021 15:38

My two sisters didn't attend due to work, family commitments and I had no problem with that.We had a nice night away with my close friends and family to celebrate and mil was invited but she declined

is this another event to which your BiLs were not invited?

ParadiseIsland · 18/03/2021 15:40

This wedding is your BIL wedding.
If you have no issue with the BIL then go.

And ignore MIL. I mean as avoid to have a chat with her, start conversations with others. Just avoid and have as little contact with her as possible to avoid any aggro.

Original poster

Murtaghjames · 18/03/2021 15:44

@Andylion,yes that's correct.It was just women, like a hens really but without all the banners and willy straws. DH invited brothers to stags but they didn't go.

OP posts:

Mylovelyhorsee · 18/03/2021 15:46

If you have no issue with the Bil and future SIL then go. Don’t let MIL ruin being apart of the family for you. Just grey rock mil when you’re there.

Original poster

Murtaghjames · 18/03/2021 15:52

I have no issue with bil or fiancee, they are God parents to our youngest child. I don't have a problem that they didn't go to the wedding. I have a problem with mils behaviour and words. I've known her 22 years and I know what she's like. I had to listen to her when his brother got married about how great they were having a big white church wedding which was so hypocritical as if she was to really believe in the religion she preaches then they shouldn't have been married in the church. They are divorced now anyway but mil got the big wedding she wanted. Mil got a loan of our wedding dvd to show bil and fiancee and low and behold I turn up to the wedding and future SIL was in a dress nearly identical to mine with mil constantly saying her dress, her dress, isn't it amazing and she's the most beautiful bride I've ever ever seen. On my own wedding mil demanded to know what colour my dress was and said well I'm getting ivory anyway. The week after I got my engagement ring she got a new one. It's constant with her.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/03/2021 15:54

@Murtaghjames

We would have loved DH brothers to attend our wedding. As I previously stated mil told us not to invite them as they would feel obliged to go the way she did. We told them we were getting married abroad and would love for them to be there but understood that it may be not possible and that it was fine, which it was and still is. I don't think it's too much to expect a card or a text the say we got married. My two sisters didn't attend due to work, family commitments and I had no problem with that.We had a nice night away with my close friends and family to celebrate and mil was invited but she declined. Just to add myself and DH paid for the flights and accommodation for our parents to come to the wedding. I knew I would never want a big wedding in my own country as its just not me and my Dad had passed away a few years previous so I really didn't want a big day.We didn't have the party when we got home as the wedding was too stressful and I found out I was pregnant on our wedding day and so yes I didn't need anymore stress or aggro. I'm not precious or hard work as somebody suggested. My mil is utterly vile and has never given me a minute, she has actually said I'm harder on you because I expect more from you! I encouraged DH to attend the other wedding as it was his brother and our DC were in the wedding party. He didn't want to go, he came home soon after the meal was finished.

Please reread what you’ve written. Pay particular attention to: We had a nice night away with my close friends and family but mil declined

So your dh’s siblings were not invited to anything, your mil was invited but would have had no one else from her family and yet you have an issue that your dh’s side of the family didn’t recognise your wedding with a card or gift.

You chose to do what your mil told you to do. That is on you. Own it.

If I were your BIL or sil, I would feel snubbed. If you wish to compound this further, by all means, don’t go.

Original poster

Murtaghjames · 18/03/2021 15:56

@Mummyoflittledragon,it was like a hens so only women. My DH had a stags and brothers didn't go. There were no SIL around at the time. DH three brothers were single.

OP posts:

JustJustWhy · 18/03/2021 16:06

I can't think of a single school in the country who would give permission for you to take your kids out of school for this reason right now.

ancientgran · 18/03/2021 16:07

Don't go if you don't want to, life's too short. I didn't go to my brother's wedding, the world carried on just the same. My kids went.

bridgetreilly · 18/03/2021 16:11

Honestly, you do sound to me like at least half the problem in this situation. It's not your MIL's wedding, it's BIL and his fiancee.

I didn't invite people to the wedding as it was abroad which was our choice. If anybody wanted to come they were more than welcome but we never expected anybody to attend. It's just that prior to the wedding and after it it was never mentioned, not even a card from any of them.

Yeah, I wouldn't be sending a card to people who hadn't bothered to invite me to their wedding either. And I wouldn't be blaming the MIL who was upset that one of her children hadn't invited the others to their wedding.

Either be honest with everyone (including yourself) or put up and shut up.

Newkitchen123 · 18/03/2021 16:16

[quote Murtaghjames]@Aquamarine1029 my DH has on many occasions gone nc with his mother over the way she has treated me. He doesn't let her away with it but she is a sneaky cow.
@Magnificentmug12, yes I do have a chip on my shoulder about my own wedding but this is more to do with my mil than his brothers. I didn't invite people to the wedding as it was abroad which was our choice. If anybody wanted to come they were more than welcome but we never expected anybody to attend. It's just that prior to the wedding and after it it was never mentioned, not even a card from any of them.[/quote]
If you didn't send invitations how did they know they were more than welcome? Did they maybe think they were not invited? We got married abroad, we sent invitations but they were along the lines of we're getting married we'd love you to join us but we fully understand if it's not possible. Some came, some didn't. No hard feelings anywhere

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 18/03/2021 16:21

I would take a different approach. You get on with BIL and his fiancé, go and celebrate their wedding. Walk away from MIL if she starts, walk out if necessary and prepare DH that this could happen if he doesn’t intervene.

thecatandthevicar · 18/03/2021 16:24

We would have loved DH brothers to attend our wedding.

if you didn't even bother sending them an invitation, you very clear message was that you didn't want them there.

Mylovelyhorsee · 18/03/2021 16:26

The more it’s pointed out the weirder it is that you didn’t send invites? If I didn’t get an invite I’d not go to a wedding

Coyoacan · 18/03/2021 16:27

I think you are letting your husband down big time by not going and taking the children.

There was a woman posting here yesterday whose husband sabotages her attending family events and nearly all of us agreed that she would be happier out of that marriage.

Original poster

Murtaghjames · 18/03/2021 16:35

We did not send invites but we said to bils and my sisters in person that we would love them to come but we understood if they couldn't. We didn't ask any of our friends to be there. We just wanted immediate family but we didn't want to put them under any pressure to go. We spoke to them in person about our plans for our wedding and left it with them. I definately don't think bils or my sisters were annoyed that our wedding was abroad.They have never mentioned it, was probably a relief as any wedding is expensive and most people don't like weddings anyway. The only one with the issue was mil as she wanted the big white church wedding. I get on with all my bils, they are all god fathers to our three children. My relationship with one brother is not as good as it was due to me being uninvited to his wedding but I know it was his mother that was filling his head.

OP posts:

Magnificentmug12 · 18/03/2021 16:40

If your mother in law told you to walk off a cliff would you do it? No. But she says don’t send invites and you say ok? Sounds like your using that as an excuse because you didn’t want to send them anyway.

You didn’t invite your brother in laws, that’s a snub! At least they have the decency to invite you too theirs and now your trying to snub that!

You said yourself you was too tired and couldn’t be bothered with a party back in your own country so why on earth would the brothers acknowledge it when you didn’t even do that by not throwing a celebration.

I’m sorry but you are the problem here. If MIL is that vile stay out the same room as her if you can’t be a grown up and ignore her. She has a right to be angry, he son got married abroad that the brothers weren’t invited too and now her DIL has a stcik up her bum that she isn’t even allowed to mention her other sons weddings!!

Magnificentmug12 · 18/03/2021 16:42

In your OP you said you held resentment about them not acknowledging your wedding, now your changing it too you don’t like your mother in law.

That’s all very dramatic and nit picking.

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