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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to celebrate their wedding

214 replies

Murtaghjames · 18/03/2021 13:31

Brother in law and his fiancee are getting married soon. Fiancee has always wanted a big wedding and has been planning it for years. However due to Covid they have decided to get the legal stuff out of the way and have booked a registry office. Parents and their own children are allowed to attend. Bil (DH brother) has sent a message in their family what's app group inviting close family over to their home the day of the wedding for some food. I really don't want to go, I've a difficult relationship with my in laws and don't enjoy their company. I have to take my children out of school early as wedding is on a weekday. DH has to take a half day from work. I really just can't be bothered. I suppose I still hold a lot of resentment from when myself and DH got married. Mil was a nightmare and his brothers didn't attend wedding as we got married abroad, which is fine but they never acknowledged it. There has been two other family weddings and of course mil has gone all out for them and always makes snarky little comments about my wedding. I just really don't want to go and put a face on and pretend Im happy to be there. I understand DH wanting to go and he really would like me to go but not in a pressurising way. How do I get out of it without being seen as an absolute bitch which they will think I am.

OP posts:
thecatandthevicar · 18/03/2021 14:23

I didn't invite people to the wedding as it was abroad which was our choice. If anybody wanted to come they were more than welcome

what do you mean, you didn't INVITE people? Confused

Mil was a nightmare and his brothers didn't attend wedding but did you, or did you not, INVITE THEM?!?

If you don't invite them, you are the one with the attitude, and very unreasonable to expect a big fuss frankly. It's not up to other people to organise any kind of party or celebration for YOUR wedding.

Kitkat151 · 18/03/2021 14:24

@Aquamarine1029

If they already think you're a bitch then you don't have anything to worry about, right? Your husband can go and you can stay home. I wouldn't waste another second of emotional energy thinking about this.
This
Birdslovesinging · 18/03/2021 14:24

It sounds like you are the issue? There's obviously more to the story.

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/03/2021 14:24

Not liking MIL isn’t really a reason to snub your BIL (and probably embarrass your DH) by making it clear that you couldn’t be bothered to go to his wedding. You can ignore MIL. The day isn’t about you, I doubt anyone will pay you much attention, go and just make sure you sit and stand next to other guests rather than MIL.

thecatandthevicar · 18/03/2021 14:26

Sounds like it's your husband and your children who are missing out on their family because you dislike your in-laws.

It's not really fair on them.

bluebluezoo · 18/03/2021 14:27

When is it and can you invoke covid rules?

In england at least you can’t gather inside for a while yet...

MimiDaisy11 · 18/03/2021 14:28

Personally, I'd just go. It's just a day. Not going could be seen as a snub, which granted you might not be bothered about. What excuse were you going for? That you can't make it or that you're sick on the day and can't come?

I'm confused by how your MIL was a nightmare regarding your wedding as she wasn't even there. I don't know how she could have spoiled it.

gingerscot · 18/03/2021 14:28

How would you feel if your husband refused to go to your side’s functions in the future?

saraclara · 18/03/2021 14:30

@ComtesseDeSpair

Not liking MIL isn’t really a reason to snub your BIL (and probably embarrass your DH) by making it clear that you couldn’t be bothered to go to his wedding. You can ignore MIL. The day isn’t about you, I doubt anyone will pay you much attention, go and just make sure you sit and stand next to other guests rather than MIL.
This. As someone else said, in not going you're reinforcing their poor opinion of you.

Your problem is with MIL. You harbour some resentment about the brothers, but they are your DH's siblings. Don't make life harder for him. And be there with your kids. Just go along, smile, and keep out of the way of MIL.

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/03/2021 14:31

And if somebody said to me “we’re getting married abroad, you can come if you want to but no pressure” but didn’t actually send me an invitation, I wouldn’t actually feel welcome to essentially invite myself. It’s not very welcoming. If you didn’t invite anyone, you can’t really complain that they weren’t very interested in your wedding!

Pbur · 18/03/2021 14:31

Suck it up and attend. It’s one evening and will cause more issues not attending than attending. Your in laws not mentioning not going to your overseas wedding is fairly standard I would say. You will bear the consequences of not turning up forever, it’s really not worth it. Also I feel like lockdown has really given us all social anxiety, so that could be making you feel like it will be worse than it is. Just have a nice G&T before you arrive and kill them with kindness.

Lacucuracha · 18/03/2021 14:31

I didn't invite people to the wedding as it was abroad which was our choice. If anybody wanted to come they were more than welcome but we never expected anybody to attend. It's just that prior to the wedding and after it it was never mentioned, not even a card from any of them.

It's find if you don't want to go, it sounds like there isn't much of a relationship there. DH and DC should go.

However, if you didn't invite anyone to the wedding, then I don't think you can expect cards / acknowledgement?

Who told everyone wedding is abroad and how?

Desperado40 · 18/03/2021 14:32

It sounds like maybe the rift was caused by the fact you married abroad and did not invite them? Did you do any wedding get together when you got back? Who attended your wedding abroad in the end? I think there is more to this. Anyway, I would not take the kids out of school, any chance you could get a minder for the afternoon and still go?

Usagi12 · 18/03/2021 14:33

Just let your husband go with the kids and develop a migraine on the day. I always do this with my ILs, they think I suffer terribly, never had a migraine in my life 👍

ZenNudist · 18/03/2021 14:33

I think you need to let bitterness about your own wedding go. You chose to marry abroad with no fanfare. I don't know what mention of it you really expect, especially from brothers.

As for his MIL I'm sorry she didn't react to your wedding the way you wanted but I think your expectations are unreasonable if you've deliberately decided to have a small "come if you like" low key overseas affair and she wanted big family UK affair. Your wedding, you and your DH enjoyed it, her view is irrelevant. She can legitimately enthuse about other family weddings she enjoys without it being all about you.

So this wedding is a separate issue entirely and you should really go if your dh wants you to. But as you seem to hate the bride and groom so give it a miss. Everyone will think you're a miserable bitch but you dont care right?

TomBradysLeftKneecap · 18/03/2021 14:34

I'm in the sometimes, with families, you have to do stuff you don't really want to camp. You show up, put a smile on your face, give people your attention and then you get to politely leave. Voila! No drama created.

Bluecomfort · 18/03/2021 14:34

I’d go. You can’t punish your bil because you don’t like your mil. You held your wedding abroad and didn’t even invite them. It would be pretty shitty for your oh and children to have to miss out too. Your oh taking a day off work and the children leaving school early are minor inconveniences, not good reasons for him to miss his brothers wedding,

saraclara · 18/03/2021 14:40

@TomBradysLeftKneecap

I'm in the sometimes, with families, you have to do stuff you don't really want to camp. You show up, put a smile on your face, give people your attention and then you get to politely leave. Voila! No drama created.
Yes. I'm pretty sure that most MNers would want that from their partners when the tables are turned. Spousal support is important at these things.

"My DH won't come with me to my sister's wedding because he can't be bothered and he doesn't like my MIL" would get a whole thread full of people saying he was being an arse.

diddl · 18/03/2021 14:40

So people needed to take annual holiday & fly for your wedding (which yoo obviously didn't care about them attending as they weren't invited just casually told to go or not) but you cba to take the kids out of school early on one day?

Fuck me!

Original poster
Murtaghjames · 18/03/2021 14:44

Just to clear up a few things. We didn't send invites as the reaction we received from mil when we told her we were getting married abroad wasn't nice. She said" I don't think you should expect people to attend and if send invites people will feel obliged to go the way I do ". Mil, fil, my DM and her partner attended. My Aunt who is only three years older came with her partner. We had planned to have a party when we got back but we were so worn out with the wedding itself we decided against it as we didn't want anymore aggro. We are not based in the UK so covid restrictions are different. Yes I do have a lot of resentment towards mil after years of mental and emotional abuse. I do need to let the bitterness go and go to support my DH. If I don't go I'm just playing into mils hands.

OP posts:
Ariela · 18/03/2021 14:44

I would politely decline on the grounds your children have missed far too much school already this year it will be difficult to take them out, and you'll look forward to celebrating with them over the summer once restrictions are more relaxed and the kids aren't in school. Then send DH without you. Perfectly reasonable excuse.

Dunairbeanat · 18/03/2021 14:45

Life is too short op, my in-laws treated me like dirt. I didn't even go to Fil funeral as he treated my DH dreadfully.
You have already been disinvited once due to MIL. Why allow them to make you unhappy again?

harknesswitch · 18/03/2021 14:49

Just don't go. Luge is too short to play stupid games, such as killing them with kindness etc. Just stay at home and let your dh take the kids

diddl · 18/03/2021 14:50

You give your MIL far too much headspace.

If you wanted to send invitations you could have done.

When you say that you don't enjoy your ILs company-who do you mean?

SergeantCatFlap · 18/03/2021 14:52

I would go - and enjoy smiling and chuckling at any MIL comments. Take back the power - show her she's not important to you and the comments don't matter.