I don't want to celebrate their wedding

[Murtaghjames]

Brother in law and his fiancee are getting married soon. Fiancee has always wanted a big wedding and has been planning it for years. However due to Covid they have decided to get the legal stuff out of the way and have booked a registry office. Parents and their own children are allowed to attend. Bil (DH brother) has sent a message in their family what's app group inviting close family over to their home the day of the wedding for some food. I really don't want to go, I've a difficult relationship with my in laws and don't enjoy their company. I have to take my children out of school early as wedding is on a weekday. DH has to take a half day from work. I really just can't be bothered. I suppose I still hold a lot of resentment from when myself and DH got married. Mil was a nightmare and his brothers didn't attend wedding as we got married abroad, which is fine but they never acknowledged it. There has been two other family weddings and of course mil has gone all out for them and always makes snarky little comments about my wedding. I just really don't want to go and put a face on and pretend Im happy to be there. I understand DH wanting to go and he really would like me to go but not in a pressurising way. How do I get out of it without being seen as an absolute bitch which they will think I am.

It isn’t really about being sad it’s just your story seems a little odd and despite your assertions that you “speak nice” you write like someone who has English as a second language and so I suspect the pp was checking this.

This thread's become deeply personal and unpleasant. Which is unfortunately the way quite a few threads have gone recently.

Just be like my mother who said she was busy that day meeting a friend .....end of conversation

Jeez. Just suck it up and go to the wedding op.

Forget the rest of them and go for your dh. It's his brother so of course he wants to go and wants his wife and dc there.

You're not the most important person in this scenario - and if you don't act like 'an absolute bitch' then you'll not be considered one.

@HasaDigaEebowai

It isn’t really about being sad it’s just your story seems a little odd and despite your assertions that you “speak nice” you write like someone who has English as a second language and so I suspect the pp was checking this.

I don't actually think she sounds like English is her second language, I just find it hard to believe that someone with two degrees would actually think "speak nice" is ok. If I ever need a barrister and have to pay the fees they charge, I would expect better understanding of grammar. And yes,this is an internet forum but OP made a point of telling us how educated she is, so it is relevant. I think her approach to the whole thing about others not going to their wedding sounds like part of the problem. There is no doubt that there is a problem with mum in law but OP needs to accept some responsibility here.

I’d go for my husbands sake. I’d be all bright and breezy and would pretend not to even notice the catty remarks. Nothing frustrates these people more than just ignoring them .
Tell bride she looks lovely, praise the food. Stay for an hour and then be merrily on your way

@Crazycrazylady

I’d go for my husbands sake. I’d be all bright and breezy and would pretend not to even notice the catty remarks. Nothing frustrates these people more than just ignoring them . Tell bride she looks lovely, praise the food. Stay for an hour and then be merrily on your way

Exactly. If someone doesn't like you, the best revenge is to behave as if there's absolutely nothing wrong, and that you're in the company of your favourite people. It also means that you DH and kids will have a lovely time, and the rest of the family will think more of you for it, OP.

Can you turn up right on time ( so no time to mingle) to sit during the ceremony make sure everyone sees you there and leave as soon as you can
No one can accuse you of snubbing but you don't talk to anyone

@nitsandwormsdodger

Can you turn up right on time ( so no time to mingle) to sit during the ceremony make sure everyone sees you there and leave as soon as you can No one can accuse you of snubbing but you don't talk to anyone

But what about her DH and the kids? Do they not have a say?

Seriously, behaviour like that at a sibling in law's wedding is going to look really odd. Why would you do that and make yourself seem so rude and uninvolved?

MIL is the problem, but the more OP behaves like this, the more the rest of the family will dislike her too, which is hardly going to help, and will make her DH's and DC's lives uncomfortable.

It's literally just a few hours of plastering a smile on, for goodness' sake. Think of it like having to undergo a medical procedure and put a brave face on it, OP.

I’d go for my husbands sake. I’d be all bright and breezy and would pretend not to even notice the catty remarks

Exactly. I know MN fights against family obligations but realistically, most people at some point will attend family events they'd rather not for the sake of their spouse whom they care about.

DH and the children will enjoy it. The bride and groom are close enough to OP that they are godparents to the children. Why wouldn't you go and be pleasant for a few hours? MIL is irrelevant here.

[quote Murtaghjames]@goodbyegreenbelt, I understand what your saying about weddings abroad but we actually didn't invite anybody, we basically said we are getting married abroad, no pressure to come it you are more than welcome if you would like to. It was the fact there was no mention of itoreven a card given that upsets me. Our wedding was never acknowledgedand that's why I'm fí ding it hard to celebrate this wedding.[/quote]
I'm sorry but... You didn't even invite them?! No wonder they didn't bother acknowledging it. It's really rude not to invite them and it sounds like you offended them.

If I'm honest, it sounds like drama follows you. I wouldn't go as it's clear there's no relationship there between you and them. Let your husband go with the kids

@Kitkat151,I got my first degree before I had children and my second degree whilst I was a SAHM.

I'm not English, I don't live in the UK so the way I speak and use grammar is relevant as to where I come from and the language we use. For the 100th time bils we're invited to wedding, they didn't come and they have never mentioned that it bothered them and yes we would have been told if they were hurt.

If you are in Ireland restrictions would not allow this wedding so just say you're obeying the law if you really don't want to go