To confidently proclaim that it's not my fault I'm fat?

[itsnotmyfaultimfat]

I am 31 years old. I have always been fat. I can think of little I've wanted more, than to no longer be fat. I am an expert on how to lose weight.

You name it, I know about it, and not just superficially either. Low carb, intermittent fasting, calorie counting, overcoming binge eating techniques. I have read the books, I have reviewed the scientific literature, explored the evidence base, tried to put it all into action. Yet I am still fat.

I love food. I have loved food ever since I can remember. I always wanted seconds. I did not grow up in an obesogenic environment. All my siblings are a normal weight. My parents gave us healthy food. I just wanted a bigger portion, and I wanted seconds, and I wanted snacks in between meals, you get the idea.

Surely, rather than continuously trying to troubleshoot why so many people are overweight/constantly trying to lose weight, it makes sense to accept that like other personality traits, there is a set of people who just like food more than others?

I am convinced that at some point during my genesis, some genes were switched on/off, and this meant that I would be someone with a voracious appetite. This is something that is beyond my control.

If you knew the SHEER effort I put in daily trying to eat healthily, the almost overwhelming disappointment at the end of the day, when I have given in to my cravings, the constant distress I feel trying to ignore the call of the biscuits in the work kitchen...

Fat people are usually seen as weak-willed, but the truth is that a lot of us are constantly fighting. It may come as a shock to people who maintain a healthy weight effortlessly but we are not all just lazy gluttons.

The call of food must be extremely strong and difficult to resist, how else do you explain our continued indulgence even when we know that it leads to us being pretty much vilified and judged by everyone, including ourselves.

Anyway, I have decided that trying to lose weight is a losing battle. I am going to stop beating myself up about it, and accept it. I will obviously keep trying to not let my weight spiral out of control, but this constant trying to lose weight, I have had enough.

Good luck, OP. No one has the all-time solution. I'm trying couch to 5K just to keep fit.

From an evolutionary and biological perspective, we are all genetically predisposed to overeating and laziness. They’re survival mechanisms. Like most mammals, we evolved in food scarcity, so we all have inbuilt systems for ensuring that we gorge when food is plentiful so that we can sustain ourselves on our fat reserves when it’s scarce. The problem we have now - in the developed world at least - is that food is always plentiful. So no: it isn’t your fault, personally, that you are fat and struggle to resist food.

However, it might come as a surprise to most people who are overweight, but very few slim people maintain a healthy weight effortlessly. I’d much rather have spent the past hour indoors in the warm reading my book rather than out on the streets running 10km, for example; but I also like to be slim, so I went for the run.

I think the variable you mean is that of natural appetite settings? I love food but can generally control my portions and if I gain I can lose. If I had an enormous appetite I doubt that I could.

I think more research into safe ways of controlling appetite and hence weight loss is needed. It probably doesn’t help that a lot of obese people do seem to have a preference for unhealthy foods, maybe that’s also a hormonal setting?

OP I do understand. I fight the same impulses to eat. I LOVE food. So now my only choice is exercise. I make myself exercise in order to earn my food. I'll never be skinny skinny but I can be healthy and a 12-14 if i do this.

The majority, by some margin, of people in the UK are overweight or obese. It’s clearly not a unique problem, to struggle with food. The problem is that we continue to tie weight up with social or moral values (greed, gluttony, laziness, lack of willpower) despite there being quite literally tonnes of evidence that being overweight is something more people have in common than do not.

It's more likely that it is your fault that you are fat as very few people are far for medical reasons, However, there's nothing wrong with accepting your weight and being ok with it.

I recommend the book 'Why do we eat (too much)?' by Andrew Jenkinson. This explains that the reasons for being overweight are complex and it's not simply that fat people are greedy and have no willpower. There are genetic influences, and then eating the wrong sorts of food (e.g. highly processed foods) exacerbates this, and repeated dieting can make things worse. I found it very helpful and my weight is now going back in the right direction. The book doesn't recommend a 'diet' but gives advice on the best types of food to help 'reset' the (over) weight point your body is misguidedly trying to maintain.

well it's not someone else's fault. every morsel eaten since childhood you've consumed.
but maybe now is the time to look at medical intervention, there are drugs to decrease your appetite and help stop the after meal cravings.
or surgery.
don't give up reaching a more normal weight.

It is your fault if you give in to your cravings and I say that as someone who has a lot of cravings

Well done for jumping off the weight loss Merry go round OP. Have a look at RebelFit on Facebook. He’s a personal trainer who specialises in supporting women who struggle to lose weight and this is pretty much his philosophy. Stop trying to lose weight. All the effort and thought you’re putting into it is actually making you stressed. Judging yourself (and others judging you) makes you stressed. And do you know what the stress hormones trigger in your body? Fat cell production. From an evolutionary perspective, stress would be a sign that hard times are coming. And your bodies reaction to that is to lay down some fat stores to tide you over. It’s a vicious circle - the more you stress about losing weight, the harder it gets!!

I’m obese and I’ve ceased giving a fuck. I’m happy, I walk with friends, eat good food, work at a job I enjoy, and I no longer give a hoot about what I wear. I wore bikinis on holiday last year and loved the feeling on sunshine on my not-insignificant tummy!

It is your fault but it’s still ok to not care

I don’t think anyone is to blame for being fat (I am myself), I do think you are responsible for what you do about it.
Sitting back and saying, oh well I can’t lose weight, it’s too hard, I have bad genes, I’m unable to exercise, I have a busy lifestyle etc. is garbage. That’s the same as an alcoholic/drug addict making excuses.

Yes, it is fucking hard, no it’s not fun. But for our health we each need to take responsibility for our weight/addictions, whatever.

I say this a person who had a BMI of 31 in the New Year, who’s husband is an alcoholic. I do get it.

Nothing wrong with accepting yourself that's good but don't imagine slim people don't have plenty cravings and want seconds!

Loads of slim people love food too, they just exert self control. I'm overweight myself by the way and it's my own fault for overeating, who else's fault would it be?

However, there is nothing wrong with accepting yourself the way you are.

I don't think there are many women over 40 who find being slim easy. Personally yes I'm slim but inside is a fat person bursting to get out, i strictly control what I eat or I'd be 'naturally' at least 2 stone heavier than I am now (I have previously been that weight for a long time).

I weigh my food every meal and never eat between meals, no sugar etc. It's bloody hard as I have a massive appetite and sweet tooth

I was also going to recommend Why we eat (too much). It’s an excellent read and suggests a healthy way of eating.

FWIW, I had a bmi of 43.5 last year and got there without eating junk, avoiding chocolate and sweets, very rare takeaways, no alcohol. There was just something in my head (stomach?) that kept telling me I wasn’t full and should eat more. I’ve ended up having weight loss surgery because I didn’t want to be obese anymore but had made peace with the fact that it wasn’t my fault I’d ended up so big.

Good luck with it all!

I don’t think many people are effortlessly slim. I’m nearly 50 a size 12, could do with losing half a stone or more. However I try to eat well, control my portions and make time to exercise.
The only person that can make any changes is you. If you’re happy as you are then fine

It’s perfectly fine to accept yourself the way you are , in your case fat , but yes it is your fault because you admittedly over eat . Good luck to you but please think of your future self and all the health issues you are storing up and believe me it’s far harder to lose weight at 50 when you have health issues than it is at 30 .

It has been proven that there is a link between becoming overweight when you are a child and struggling to lose weight as an adult as the genes have been switched on/off to try and make sure you stay overweight.

As someone who has always struggled with their weight and tried every diet known to man I am trying to make a conscious effort to not diet as I believe the fad diets are what is causing many of the weight problems.

You are not wrong, and you are not being unreasonable, and most people posting here have no idea. Science and medicine are beginning - but only beginning - to catch up. Obesity is not a "fault", is not based on poor "self control" (almost always the opposite). It is also probably not psychological (comfort eating, etc). It is almost certainly physiological, and science will get there in the end. Unfortunately there have been too many years when people believed that fat was simply a matter of lack of self control.

Nevertheless, there may be things that could provide more insights. There is more and more evidence that your gut biome is linked both to depression and to obesity.

Early stages in the research, so those of us interested may need to drive a bit blind for a while and on the internet it is hard to separate sense from quackery. All I can say is, look in that area. It might make a change for you.

there is a big difference between loving food and loving to eat large quantities of food and the wrong food.

It’s possible to still eat lots of lovely food and lose weight if you learn moderation and how to switch things like the drinks you have and the proportions of food you eat.

Besides isn’t what you mean when you say you love food that you love to eat stuff that’s bad for you? If bloody carrots and broccoli and their ilk were part of your love for food equally with biscuits you’d not have a problem would you?

So I think the way you’re framing is excuse based and incorrect. But if you want to stay overweight and enjoy all the biscuits etc just do it, accept that’s what you want more and don’t lose the inches. Just don’t kid yourself that it’s some sort of predetermined fate.

I agree with silverroe

Personally, what stops me giving into the incredibly strong urge to eat a lot more is that I have a very strong desire to stay slim. It would be impossible for me to keep it up if I wasn't so resolutely determined to stay slim.

Unfortunately if you are overweight then you are not burning off as many calories as you are consuming. It’s that simple. This might well be because you have a “slow metabolism” from binging / dieting but this is something you can sort out through exercise/building muscle. I’m a slim person and yes I do eat chocolate/treats and I eat big portions but I will try and choose the healthier option 80% of the time and I exercise (I run 3 times a week and do weight sessions twice a week, I also do yoga a few times a week if I can as well). I am never under 12,000 steps a day. Diets can work to a point but what you see as “naturally slim” people just make better choices when it comes to food, they keep an eye on portion size (so 2 biscuits not 6) and are active. I know you say you are giving up on losing weight but being overweight is about so much more than how you look, your weight will affect your health if not right now then definitely in the future. I’m not saying everyone should be a size 10, people definitely have a “happy weight” personally I’m half a stone heavier than before I had my kids but I know I’m fit and I eat a really good balanced diet full of nutrients.

You are eating too much. If you eat less you will lose weight.

All this about you are born with food cravings and are different from other overweight people is nonsense.

It is your "fault". If you regard fatness due to overeating as a fault.