To confidently proclaim that it's not my fault I'm fat?

[itsnotmyfaultimfat]

I am 31 years old. I have always been fat. I can think of little I've wanted more, than to no longer be fat. I am an expert on how to lose weight.

You name it, I know about it, and not just superficially either. Low carb, intermittent fasting, calorie counting, overcoming binge eating techniques. I have read the books, I have reviewed the scientific literature, explored the evidence base, tried to put it all into action. Yet I am still fat.

I love food. I have loved food ever since I can remember. I always wanted seconds. I did not grow up in an obesogenic environment. All my siblings are a normal weight. My parents gave us healthy food. I just wanted a bigger portion, and I wanted seconds, and I wanted snacks in between meals, you get the idea.

Surely, rather than continuously trying to troubleshoot why so many people are overweight/constantly trying to lose weight, it makes sense to accept that like other personality traits, there is a set of people who just like food more than others?

I am convinced that at some point during my genesis, some genes were switched on/off, and this meant that I would be someone with a voracious appetite. This is something that is beyond my control.

If you knew the SHEER effort I put in daily trying to eat healthily, the almost overwhelming disappointment at the end of the day, when I have given in to my cravings, the constant distress I feel trying to ignore the call of the biscuits in the work kitchen...

Fat people are usually seen as weak-willed, but the truth is that a lot of us are constantly fighting. It may come as a shock to people who maintain a healthy weight effortlessly but we are not all just lazy gluttons.

The call of food must be extremely strong and difficult to resist, how else do you explain our continued indulgence even when we know that it leads to us being pretty much vilified and judged by everyone, including ourselves.

Anyway, I have decided that trying to lose weight is a losing battle. I am going to stop beating myself up about it, and accept it. I will obviously keep trying to not let my weight spiral out of control, but this constant trying to lose weight, I have had enough.

I agree that it’s not your fault that you’re ‘fat‘. But ‘fault’ is the wrong word, it’s not anyone else’s fault either.

@DianaT1969

I hear you. But if I can give one piece of advice - try not to enter your 40s overweight. If you think the odds are stacked against you now, try losing, or even just maintaining weight during menopause. I wouldn't have believed it. Insulin resistance. Pre-diabetes and inflammatory illness due to metabolic disorder. All of these things concern me. Covid showed that being obese can leave us vulnerable to viruses we never expected. If I had my time again, I'd reduce portions and take up running in my late 30s.

I hear what you're saying, but I wouldn't write off getting fit(ter) later on.

I put on the covid pounds and had a burning desire not to enter my 50s on a bad footing and decline from there, so I started long walks every day, then onto C25K. I've gone from an asthmatic wreck who genuinely couldn't run for the bus to a slow jogger of 5k. I have lost weight too, which was also an aim, but the main one was not to be an old crock.

So OP and everyone else - don't feel you've missed the boat. Anyone can start at any time, to any degree of progess. The 'secret sauce' is that I really, really, really did not want to get to my 60s having only got unhealthier. That is what got me motivated. Now I'm motivated by enjoying being able to rely on my body more and more.

I agree that there are people more prone to put on weight, those than are 'naturally' slim. But most people I know have to watch what they eat, some with more vigilance than others for sure.
I love food too, and go through phases of being slim or not. Lockdown was not good for me and I have put in weight. But I know I can be slim with enough effort. You just decide if you are willing to put that effort in.

This thread is so irritating. So many people offering really enlightened advice “have you thought about exercising?” “How about eating less junk food?”. This poster is clearly exhausted by the stigma placed on people who are overweight and can’t beat themselves up about it anymore, and is trying to change their attitude for their mental health. No one can know how hard it is for someone else to lose weight. All of these posts that are still trying to mend the poster, are reinforcing that its awful for someone else to be fat. She says she’s ok with it... so why keep reinforcing that it’s not ok for her to be bigger? She’s trying to look after her mental health, and I feel like this will drag her back down to “but I must truly be an awfully weak worthless person if I don’t have the will power of someone who is a size 14”.

I agree with you. I have always had a big appetite. I lost weight recently for the first time in my life, and have maintained it with if, lots of exercise, and small portions all the time. It's tough and I know it needs to be a lifelong commitment to maintain a sub 21 BMI. On the other hand, my son has never had the appetite I had when I was his age. It's just biology. Pure and simple. It's genes which control our appetite and it's a nightmare to manually override them!

Could you be ADHD.?? I would investigate that possibility
Lots of resources online

Gee whizz : there are some right self-righteous posters here

Weight isn’t a moral issue- it’s a massive public and personal health issue and anyone who needs help, needs help

I remember trying to stop smoking,modt difficult thing in my life and I wasn’t a heavy smoker.
I used to eat whatever I wanted,whenever I wanted and demolish whole roast chicken for my dinner in my mid 20’s.
Now I have to watch what,when and how much I’m eating as my weight started to creep up.
It’s difficult but it’s on me to decide. Not anybody else
Good luck OP.

Yanbu, OP. Hang in there and don't give up, but ignore people who say you are lazy etc.

I have actually struggled with being underweight since I had a brief eating disorder in my late teens. Ever since then had to cope with little barbed compliments about my weight and struggled to reach a healthy one.

But it is so, so hard to resist your body when it tells you it is full or hungry (in my case, full). It took me years and years to gradually recover to a normal weight, long after the emotional reasons for my ED were healed. Your head says, come on eat this meal you need it, but you feel sick and your head starts swimming and you can't have another bite. I am still like this a bit with certain sweets, especially cake icing or doughnuts, I can't have more than one bite, my mouth just fills with acid. It doesn't require a stretch of my imagination to see that it could easily be the other way around, that your body just keeps telling you how hungry you are. Not many people can withstand torture.

That being said, I did gradually heal and retrain my mind/body. I learnt tricks like "hidden calories" to feed myself more without triggering the full feeling. As soon as I reached a healthy weight I got pregnant yay. Now I'm a healthy weight woo! You can do it too. But you aren't lazy, yanbu

I have noticed naturally slim people spend a lot of time on the move, not with exercise.
I rarely sit I've ants in my pants if you like, the slimmer women in my group are similar always doing something.

Listen to the afternoon show on radio 5 live last week - 10th March, at some point between 1 and 4pm, Nihal Arthanayake talking to Michael Moss about his book 'Hooked'. Really interesting stuff. All about how certain foods are design to get us 'addicted' based on what our bodies craved back in the stone age, but also about how to understand ourselves as individuals. Or just google the book?

Might stop you beating yourself up so much but also help you move forwards?

Good luck!

i Have always been a size 8-10 but it’s getting harder and harder to maintain. Since I hit my 40s it has become a real battle. However being slim is important to me so I force myself to exercise and limit my calories. That is reality for most slim people.

I think food addiction is a thing. I speak as someone who has battled being over weight her entire life.

Unlike alcohol or illegal drugs you can't quit it. You have to consume the thing you're addicted too.

I think you have a point OP. Having DC has been really interesting to me in this respect. I have one super skinny DS. He eats well at mealtimes but never has seconds and doesn't snack much between meals. He doesn't seem to have the gene that makes him want to eat too much. Some children are the opposite - and I mean from an early age, before they have understood the societal pressure around this issue.

I don't like using the word 'fault' but it is your decisions that make you overweight. At the moment your love of food is greater than your desire to be slim. And that's ok, as long as you understand that and accept it.

I'm in 50s and overweight, but not obese. I would love to be slim but I just love food too much and the food wins every time. I exercise a lot and am in good health, as far as I know, but need to lose a couple of stone. I think about it all the time. All the time. I know I need to eat less and drink less wine but it's hard to do.

I grew up in a home where food was scarce. I never had enough to eat and was often hungry. Once I was older and earning money having delicious food and enough of it was such a treat. I still think like that. But if it's anyone's 'fault' that I'm overweight, it's definitely mine. As an adult you are responsible for your own decisions.

Unlike alcohol or illegal drugs you can't quit it. You have to consume the thing you're addicted too.

People always say this but in my opinion that makes it easier. You can’t be teetotal or “one year sober” if you have a Prosecco every month. You can still be thin and eat eat cake once in a while.

I don’t believe people are addicted to food. I do believe they are addicted to the wrong food (foods that mix fat and carbs). You beat the addiction by eating fat with protein or carbs on their own.

It is a health issue not a loaded moral question. I think it’s harder for women to see this as we naturally should have more body fat than men anyway.

I haven't read the whole thread yet but I think it's really important to address the genetic thing being mentioned - being genetically prone to obesity does not mean you have to be obese or cannot lose weight. It may make it a bit easier to put on weight and harder to control appetite, but it can be done.

I also find it helpful, if you feel you know everything about actual diets and this still doesn't help, is to start looking into psychology and specifically habit forming and the psychology of changing habits and what motivates us to change or improve. I've found it really really helpful. And even people with truly huge appetites and sugar addiction can change (I know because I'm one of them!)

@FatAnneTheDealer

You are not wrong, and you are not being unreasonable, and most people posting here have no idea. Science and medicine are beginning - but only beginning - to catch up. Obesity is not a "fault", is not based on poor "self control" (almost always the opposite). It is also probably not psychological (comfort eating, etc). It is almost certainly physiological, and science will get there in the end. Unfortunately there have been too many years when people believed that fat was simply a matter of lack of self control.

Nevertheless, there may be things that could provide more insights. There is more and more evidence that your gut biome is linked both to depression and to obesity.

Early stages in the research, so those of us interested may need to drive a bit blind for a while and on the internet it is hard to separate sense from quackery. All I can say is, look in that area. It might make a change for you.

The OP readily admits to poor control and overeating, so doesn’t that kind of put paid to your theory?

I have PCOS, which can make it easy to put on weight and difficult to lose weight. I'm also on/off antidepressants a lot which can also mess with weight. It's still my fault I'm fat, I know I have these things which can lead to me being fat, I know I need to eat less than others to make up for this, and should be doing regular exercise. Yet here I am, fat. Completely my fault.

I see OP hasn't returned to the thread

I have to admit to being fascinated by the science of being overweight, like the effect that certain hormones produced in the gut, have on an individuals saiety and insulin production.
I wonder if what we eat can effect the levels of these hormones, either for better or worse ? Does a diet high in processed foods and simple cards reduce the production of these hormones ? Is it possible to increase production by eating other foods ?

satiety !

@Miseryl. Yes I’m exactly the same as you. Do exactly what you do too. Same size and BMI. So bloody hard. And now I’m fifty geez the peri menopause has just made it harder to keep the weight off.

Unlike alcohol or illegal drugs you can't quit it. You have to consume the thing you're addicted too.

The problem is that most people in the UK are addicted to sugar, it's highly addictive and in such a lot of food here. You can absolutely avoid sugar but still eat lots of healthy food. So you really dont have to eat what you're addicted to, but it is hard.

A resetting rather than beating yourself up is so useful. Like you - I can’t remember a time in childhood when I wasn’t the chubby one craving more food amidst skinny siblings. But I was kind and loving and as an adult have always been hard working and disciplined on other issues. I’ve often wondered why I can control spending, drinking, my environment so well but ‘fail’ when it comes to food intake.

I’ve managed to get from very obese to overweight by resetting my body through intermittent fasting and cutting out most carbs and sugar. And perhaps very importantly, have some bacteria friendly kefir, miso paste or kombucha most days. I walk everywhere now - I’ve always loved walking but it was uncomfortable when I was 18st. At 13.5st it’s not, it’s much more pleasant so I fast-walk whenever I can instead of using buses or the car and enjoy it. But I can’t get lower doing this - it’s just maintaining where I now am. So I’m still overweight but I’m healthier; fitter and my blood sugar is back to normal from pre-diabetic level. I’m beginning to think I shall settle for that, because eating less of the foods I do eat will make me constantly hungry. It’s a compromise between saying fuck it I’m naturally like this and hey I don’t want to have a debilitating old age and die prematurely. I’m nearly 60 by the way. It hits home when you start to get a raft of post-menopausal medical issues directly related to your diet.