To confidently proclaim that it's not my fault I'm fat?

[itsnotmyfaultimfat]

I am 31 years old. I have always been fat. I can think of little I've wanted more, than to no longer be fat. I am an expert on how to lose weight.

You name it, I know about it, and not just superficially either. Low carb, intermittent fasting, calorie counting, overcoming binge eating techniques. I have read the books, I have reviewed the scientific literature, explored the evidence base, tried to put it all into action. Yet I am still fat.

I love food. I have loved food ever since I can remember. I always wanted seconds. I did not grow up in an obesogenic environment. All my siblings are a normal weight. My parents gave us healthy food. I just wanted a bigger portion, and I wanted seconds, and I wanted snacks in between meals, you get the idea.

Surely, rather than continuously trying to troubleshoot why so many people are overweight/constantly trying to lose weight, it makes sense to accept that like other personality traits, there is a set of people who just like food more than others?

I am convinced that at some point during my genesis, some genes were switched on/off, and this meant that I would be someone with a voracious appetite. This is something that is beyond my control.

If you knew the SHEER effort I put in daily trying to eat healthily, the almost overwhelming disappointment at the end of the day, when I have given in to my cravings, the constant distress I feel trying to ignore the call of the biscuits in the work kitchen...

Fat people are usually seen as weak-willed, but the truth is that a lot of us are constantly fighting. It may come as a shock to people who maintain a healthy weight effortlessly but we are not all just lazy gluttons.

The call of food must be extremely strong and difficult to resist, how else do you explain our continued indulgence even when we know that it leads to us being pretty much vilified and judged by everyone, including ourselves.

Anyway, I have decided that trying to lose weight is a losing battle. I am going to stop beating myself up about it, and accept it. I will obviously keep trying to not let my weight spiral out of control, but this constant trying to lose weight, I have had enough.

A consultant dietician told me last month (and this applies to those who don't have an under active thyroid) that if you don't eat enough calories each day, your body goes into 'survival mode' and stores all of the fat you eat (much like my body does due to an under active thyroid) as reserves. It was explained to me much more succinctly than this of course but that was the gist of it.

You know this is complete and utter made up bullshit of the highest order right? Ever seen drawings of Irish people in the late 1840s? Photos of the people liberated from concentration camps in the 1940s? Videos of people in Ethiopia or the Sudan during famines? Guess how many of those people needed plus size pants? How can anyone believe such obvious utter crap for more than the time it thinks to start to nod and then think, 'hang on......'? Seriously, if you eat less food than the energy you use, you will lose weight. And while thyroid issues will absolutely make that a lot harder, they ultimately account for quite a small percentage of the body fat most people blame it for.

The fact is, it is hard to lose weight/maintain a healthy weight right now. We evolved to survive scarcity, so we are wired to want to eat when we can. Yet we now live though not only utter abundance but a time where there is a strong financial incentive for powerful companies to keep us eating far, far too much of the wrong things. So we don't just have whatever food we want available when we want it. But we are bombarded with messages to tempt us to eat food that is terrible for us and has been designed to be as addictive as possible.

However along with the instinct to eat when we can, we have also evolved highly, highly intelligent brains capable of understanding complicated concepts and actively overriding our instincts. Almost everyone of us is capable of choosing not to overeat shite and creating boundaries for ourselves that our instincts can't override. I have a bad candida infection right now but I chose to enjoy some cookies and ice-cream for Easter. But now my body feels like it's actively crying out for sugar because the fungi want it. It's shit. But I'm not giving it anymore because I know that as soon as I have some I'll crave more and more and more. My brain understands what's going on and is able to override the incredibly powerful craving.

Unfortunately our brains also make up fairy stories as comfort and form of denial. So while some of us use our brains to help us fight our instincts and the companies who will profit from our overeating. Others make up nonsense to justify their own choice to act helpless. Body positivity, HAES, L Bacon's Intuitive Eating, blaming genetics etc. Are all ways that people have made up ways to justify them not doing something a little bit hard and frankly, belittling and vilifying those of us who do.

Loads of assumptions on this thread about fat people ...

I am overweight (size 14). I don’t smoke, drink in moderation (eg a couple of glasses at the weekend, definitely not ‘a shit-ton of red wine’..). I don’t eat McDonalds or KFC or Pizza Hut etc. I don’t like coke or fizzy drinks. Crisps and popcorn are an occasional treat if we are watching a movie.

We make home-cooked food and have a takeaway about once a month. I love vegetables and salad and soups. We get a veg box delivery every week.

I do have a sweet tooth so my treat is a few squares of chocolate after dinner.

I think my metabolism has changed in the past few years. When I was younger and in my 20s and 30s I didn’t even think about what I was eating, it was never an issue. Now I eat healthier than I have ever done, and am at my heaviest. It’s pretty depressing.

Blimey markruffalo ... pipe down! It was actually a genuine question, nothing intended in it at all. It wasn’t even aimed to you so I don’t know why you’re on your high horse so much!

I’m “on my high horse” because that shitty little question erases the daily struggle of millions of people living with a disease that ruins their body, saps their energy and makes them feel like shit and to add insult to unjustly is seen as a bit of a joke illness that people use as an excuse for eating too many pies.

I’ve been dealing with it for 20 years and over lockdown have had my medication supply from Thailand (because NHS meds are even more useless) interrupted to the point I was bedbound for several days in pain. Having just about survived a few months on shitty Thyroxine I am finally starting to feel a bit more human having been able to source the alternative again. And my GP could not give less of a shit.

So yes. It does touch a nerve when people suggest that thyroid medication is a simple fix. With so many people in your family affected by it, and your own condition not behaving in a textbook manner, I’d imagine you’d have a bit more empathy.

Unjustly = injury

A consultant dietician told me last month (and this applies to those who don't have an under active thyroid) that if you don't eat enough calories each day, your body goes into 'survival mode' and stores all of the fat you eat (much like my body does due to an under active thyroid) as reserves. It was explained to me much more succinctly than this of course but that was the gist of it.

You know this is complete and utter made up bullshit of the highest order right?

That’s quite rude, and actually it’s not made up bullshit. I’ve just finished reading ‘Why We Eat Too Much’ and it actually says just this - low calorie diets lower your metabolism. So when you do finally start eating normally again (as is inevitable, unless you live in a famine ) you will end up fatter than you were before.

Starvation diets will make you lose weight but are pretty bad for your health (both physical and mental) and are not sustainable long term.

@Wandamakestoast

A consultant dietician told me last month (and this applies to those who don't have an under active thyroid) that if you don't eat enough calories each day, your body goes into 'survival mode' and stores all of the fat you eat (much like my body does due to an under active thyroid) as reserves. It was explained to me much more succinctly than this of course but that was the gist of it.

You know this is complete and utter made up bullshit of the highest order right?

That’s quite rude, and actually it’s not made up bullshit. I’ve just finished reading ‘Why We Eat Too Much’ and it actually says just this - low calorie diets lower your metabolism. So when you do finally start eating normally again (as is inevitable, unless you live in a famine ) you will end up fatter than you were before.

Starvation diets will make you lose weight but are pretty bad for your health (both physical and mental) and are not sustainable long term.

It absolutely is bullshit. And it’s not just bullshit but it’s fucking dangerous bullshit that is helping to ruin the health of so many people. It’s not rude to call out dangerous misinformation as bullshit. It is fucking irresponsible to spread and defend it.

People’s metabolisms can slow down when they eat less. But guess what? Our brains have not only worked out when and why that happens but how to counter it and even speed up our metabolisms. It’s nothing more than cherry picked bullshit to excuse people of their own responsibility to themselves.

Of course it's your fault you are fat. How ridiculous.

It absolutely is bullshit. And it’s not just bullshit but it’s fucking dangerous bullshit that is helping to ruin the health of so many people. It’s not rude to call out dangerous misinformation as bullshit. It is fucking irresponsible to spread and defend it. People’s metabolisms can slow down when they eat less. But guess what? Our brains have not only worked out when and why that happens but how to counter it and even speed up our metabolisms. It’s nothing more than cherry picked bullshit to excuse people of their own responsibility to themselves.

So your brain knows the difference between a diet and a famine? 🙄

So if it’s as simple as ‘just eat less’ how come so many people can lose weight but can’t keep it off? Why do so many have to resort to surgery? All those miracle diets that people try and fail with? If it was just a case of ‘take some responsibility’ then fatness wouldn’t be an issue. I know plenty of very responsible, clever, sensible, caring people who struggle with their weight. There is a much bigger issue here and it’s so not as simple as you are making out.

As for your your famine/concentration camp examples - we don’t live in that world. We live in a world surrounded by cheap food. So it is simply not a helpful analogy.

I find Mumsnet is a very unforgiving, holier-than-thou place when it comes to weight. If I said to someone struggling with pretty much any other issue ‘just try harder’ I’d get short shrift, but when it comes to weight that’s ok?

I’m not sure why it matters whose fault it is that you’re fat.
Fat is not bad
Slim is not better

Yes you could probably with time and effort and had work change your weight, in the same way that with time and effort and hard work most mothers could breastfeed but it is your choice whether to do that level of work and how much energy you want to devote to that task versus the energy you wish to expend on things that are equally or more, interesting, useful and valuable to society or your family or yourself.

The person controlling food intake and out running 10k to be slim is not doing something better than the person spending that time caring for children/playing the violin in an orchestra/ expanding her knowledge through reading or volunteering in the local food bank.

The health effects of overweight are not easy to ascertain due to the correlation of overweight with poor diet and poverty both independent risk factors for negative health outcomes and surprisingly often not controlled for in research.

There is definitely a correlation of obesity with diabetes, but the correlation with cancers etc are far less clear.

Exercise and a good diet are in themselves independently associated with better health outcomes regardless of body weight.

Even if overweight is strongly correlated with poor health and premature death. You may decide you’d prefer to risk a slightly shortened life to devoting hours to the energy of weight loss instead of to other things you value. It’s your choice.

I sometimes think on mumsnet there are a lot of
Women with poor sense of self worth whose only value they see in themselves is that they are slim and possibly that they earn money. They have no wider sense of confidence in their contribution to society and they hang on desperately to ‘at least I’m slim’ Genuinely happy people won’t judge you or care that you’re fat. They’ll devote whatever amount of energy to weight and diet in their own lives that feels right to them and leave you to make the same decision.

It is your fault for lacking self control. But that's your call and you shouldn't be berated for something that ultimately only really harms you (and potentially your family).

* Loads of slim people love food too, they just exert self control.*

I agree with this. I can eat a hell of alot of food. But i control my portions and don’t give in temptation too much.

I do think the odds are stacked against people now. The availability of cheap food, lack of time to prepare healthy food and exercise and we are conditioned to not see ourselves as overweight until we are creeping towards the obese category. Staying a healthy weight is hard work and requires consistent, especially as we age. All my friends who are slim and and in their late 40’s/50’s are very careful what they eat and exercise pretty much daily. It can be done but it takes sustained effort and a permanent lifestyle change.

It’s very simple:

More calories out Vs calories in you lose weight
More calories in Vs calories out you gain weight

There has been more research recently into this and for some people it is not just as simple as eat less move more. Apparently, there are hormones(?) in the stomach wall that are supposed to say whether you are full(?) or something. Anyway they can malfunction in some people, hence having part of your stomach removed helps reduce this as well as the fact you can not fit as much in anymore.

there was also a radio four programme with a scientist who has been researching this talking about gut bacteria playing a part, and another one about someother reason why it is not necessarily eat less move more. ( they were all about the time someone I know was seeing a dr about their weight, so I was tuned into listening, but not tuned in enough to remember the bloody details, clearly)

I am lucky that I am an eat less move more person. I am lucky that I am able to exert some self control. (apart from pringles) I am not so lucky in that I eat when stressed and put on weight when life was really shit. I am not so lucky that I can hardly walk at the moment as I have a condition that makes exercise painful if for too long and can cause me to have a bad bout of fatigue.

markruffalo .., again, spouting off for no reason ... So yes. It does touch a nerve when people suggest that thyroid medication is a simple fix WHEN did I actually say that?? With so many people in your family affected by it, and your own condition not behaving in a textbook manner, I’d imagine you’d have a bit more empathy ... love to know how I suddenly don’t have empathy when I’ve asked one simple question?? ... and you’re talking about your own, one experience of thyroid troubles like that’s a given/standard across the board ..,

@Wearywithteens

Food (and drink) is a lovely, joyful, sensual, wonderful gift in life. I can’t starve or flog myself so I’ve reconciled that I’ll stay a constant size 14 and never be slim. I’m happy and psychologically well balanced so I think the health benefits of that over a lifetime outweigh any risks of extra poundage.

You can stick the gym and the slimming world. I have friends, my family love me and we FEAST together. It’s wonderful and life affirming!

Excellent post I agree that food and drink. GOOD food and drink is one of the great pleasures in life Especially when shared with people you love. I'm always horrified at people going through weight loss surgery, where their stomachs are cut to such a dmall size they can no longer cope with a proper meal. Those people can no longer enjoy family meals or meals out ever again. They are essentially destroying one of their senses. To my mind, it's as much an abuse, if not more, to their bodies than if they remained fat

So your brain knows the difference between a diet and a famine? 🙄

Of course it does??????????? My body mightn't but my brain absolutely does and that's what's in control.

Eat less and move more - anything else is an excuse (no matter how cross you might get on MN). My son has prader willi syndrome which is one of the few circumstances when it is not your fault to be fat. However he can still lose weight - he has to eat much much less and move more.

Overweight people need to learn the art of fidgeting.
I spent weeks and weeks accompanying a family member to hospital appointments and had the opportunity., whilst spending time hanging around in waiting rooms, to oobserve people of all shapes and sizes while they were sat down.
What i noticed was that generally, slimmer people are constantly moving. Crossing legs, recrossing them seconfs later, touching hair, adjusting glasses, changing positions, stretching. Repeat.
Larger people on the other hand hardly moved at all. I literally watched one obese gentleman not move at all. Both hands were resting on his thighs. Half an hour later he hadnt moved them. Not even a finger twitch.
Theres a Stillness about overweight people.

@Blindstupid

markruffalo .., again, spouting off for no reason ... So yes. It does touch a nerve when people suggest that thyroid medication is a simple fix WHEN did I actually say that?? With so many people in your family affected by it, and your own condition not behaving in a textbook manner, I’d imagine you’d have a bit more empathy ... love to know how I suddenly don’t have empathy when I’ve asked one simple question?? ... and you’re talking about your own, one experience of thyroid troubles like that’s a given/standard across the board ..,

I agree. Thyroid is pedalled too much as an excuse. I was diagnosed with low thyroid five years ago and have been on levothyroxine since. The first thing I did after diagnosis was come to the realisation that from now on I would no lingere able to eat what I liked and how much I liked. I loojed for ways to shave sime calories. I also upped my excercise. I still have treats but try to keep it in check. I dont use my thyroid problems as an excuse

@alittleprivacy

So your brain knows the difference between a diet and a famine? 🙄

Of course it does??????????? My body mightn't but my brain absolutely does and that's what's in control.

So you have developed the ability to control your subconscious? And the hormones your brain releases? Amazing.

So you have developed the ability to control your subconscious? And the hormones your brain releases? Amazing.

If you are on a diet, your brain knows. Your brain in fact chose to undergo the diet. Your brain is where your whole decision making and cognitive abilities come from. How can you not realise that? Do you know what hands do?

Brains are a little more complicated than that... the decision to move your hands is a planned movement using using your frontal cortex, however the subconscious part of our brain makes decisions for us all the time that we are not even aware of. How do you know to breathe? Your subconscious.

Hormones influence how we act all the time.
For example, how do you know to drink water? Your body senses you are becoming dehydrated and produces a hormone which tells your brain you that you are thirsty. It’s not a conscious decision. If you were very thirsty and there was a glass of fresh cold water on the table, it would be very hard to resist. Your brain guided by your hormones is telling you to drink. This is not cognitive thinking (acquiring knowledge and making decisions accordingly). You don’t learn this.

Add to this emotions and it gets more complicated...

Hunger and the desire to eat is actually quite a complicated process that even scientists are still learning about. It’s just not as simple as ‘eat less’ for many people.

Yes and because we understand all of that, our conscious thought can override everything else if we choose to and work hard enough at it. As I said in an earlier post, I have a bad digestive candida infection. As long as I avoid processed sugar and am very careful about eating yeast leavened breads I don't experience cravings. But when I do make a choice to eat something sugar-y, as I did a few times this weekend for Easter, I start experiencing distractingly strong sugar cravings. Foods that I can have in my house and not give a second thought to, suddenly become distractingly desirable. The pull of them becomes almost unbearable.

Yesterday I had to fight myself and be incredibly strict to not just start scarfing toffees and chocolate. Because I knew exactly what was happening, I was able to choose to fill up on protein so I wasn't hungry and I had plenty of sugarfree gum with xylitol (which fights candida) on hand to chew on. I took extra acidophilus. I did a lot of fun exercise to keep myself distracted and naturally boost my serotonin levels because the candida can effect your brain chemistry and essentially punish you for not feeding it sugar. It was pretty horrible yesterday to feel the intensity of those cravings, and actually quite humbling to feel like something so tiny can so heavily influence my impulses. Thankfully, having not given in to them yesterday, today I'm back to normal. I look forward to the candida eventually receding enough for me to go back to a normal relationship with yeast and sugar but until it does, I have to choose to exert strict control and shitty as it is, it's well within my, or most people's capability.

We are highly-sentient beings. We aren't worms or dogs or even chimps. We know what we need to do even when we don't feel like doing it. We know that there are immediate pleasures we can indulge in that will lead to longer term negative consequences if we don't use our conscious ability to exert control. And we can. The vast majority of people have the ability to choose to exert control and improve their health. To avoid over eating, to limit processed foods, to eat enough of the right things, to get lots of exercise. To build muscle and cardiovascular endurance so we keep our metabolisms boosted as we go through and pass middle-age.

But our society keeps infantilising us, keeps letting us off the hook for our own lack of accountability. Keeps making excuses for us. Keeps spewing pseudo-scientific nonsense in order to help us avoid making and following through on difficult courses of action. And as 'kind' as it might feel to excuse ourselves and others, it's hurting us. Really, really hurting us. Lowering life quality and expectancy. Massively, massively contributing to over-production and consumption of planetary resources. Adding very significant amounts of pressure to our health systems. And undoubtedly adding to mental health issues because sedentary lifestyles and crappy diets have a terrible effect on most people's brain chemistry.

Well done. That’s great for you. However just because this was something you were able to do doesn’t mean that everyone can. Simply saying ‘work harder at it’ is not an answer. When has this ever helped anyone achieve anything? I disagree with your point ‘the vast majority of people have the ability to choose to exert control’. That’s just not true or why wouldn’t they already have done it?

There is now a lot of good scientific research and evidence coming out about the causes of people being overweight and obese and why standard diets don’t work. I don’t know how you can claim it is ‘pseudo-science’ when it is research done by doctors and universities? What is ‘real science’ then?

It’s not infantilising to say this is a complex problem - it’s being compassionate and non-judgemental to give people realistic information and advice rather than blaming them. People are fully aware they are overweight or obese - what they don’t know is how to tackle it long-term. Telling people they are acting like babies or chimps or simply lacking willpower does not help anyone.