To confidently proclaim that it's not my fault I'm fat?

[itsnotmyfaultimfat]

I am 31 years old. I have always been fat. I can think of little I've wanted more, than to no longer be fat. I am an expert on how to lose weight.

You name it, I know about it, and not just superficially either. Low carb, intermittent fasting, calorie counting, overcoming binge eating techniques. I have read the books, I have reviewed the scientific literature, explored the evidence base, tried to put it all into action. Yet I am still fat.

I love food. I have loved food ever since I can remember. I always wanted seconds. I did not grow up in an obesogenic environment. All my siblings are a normal weight. My parents gave us healthy food. I just wanted a bigger portion, and I wanted seconds, and I wanted snacks in between meals, you get the idea.

Surely, rather than continuously trying to troubleshoot why so many people are overweight/constantly trying to lose weight, it makes sense to accept that like other personality traits, there is a set of people who just like food more than others?

I am convinced that at some point during my genesis, some genes were switched on/off, and this meant that I would be someone with a voracious appetite. This is something that is beyond my control.

If you knew the SHEER effort I put in daily trying to eat healthily, the almost overwhelming disappointment at the end of the day, when I have given in to my cravings, the constant distress I feel trying to ignore the call of the biscuits in the work kitchen...

Fat people are usually seen as weak-willed, but the truth is that a lot of us are constantly fighting. It may come as a shock to people who maintain a healthy weight effortlessly but we are not all just lazy gluttons.

The call of food must be extremely strong and difficult to resist, how else do you explain our continued indulgence even when we know that it leads to us being pretty much vilified and judged by everyone, including ourselves.

Anyway, I have decided that trying to lose weight is a losing battle. I am going to stop beating myself up about it, and accept it. I will obviously keep trying to not let my weight spiral out of control, but this constant trying to lose weight, I have had enough.

Check out Corinne Crabtree's Losing 100lbs podcast and see if what she teaches resonates. She knows it's not about a strong desire to stay slim and blah blah blah...there are good reasons you're overweight and good reasons you've stayed that way and she'll help you figure it out. Honestly, she's great - weight loss but no eating program! Check it out, you'll see. I can't say how different she is to anyone else, you have to check it out for yourself.

@Wearywithteens

Food (and drink) is a lovely, joyful, sensual, wonderful gift in life. I can’t starve or flog myself so I’ve reconciled that I’ll stay a constant size 14 and never be slim. I’m happy and psychologically well balanced so I think the health benefits of that over a lifetime outweigh any risks of extra poundage.

You can stick the gym and the slimming world. I have friends, my family love me and we FEAST together. It’s wonderful and life affirming!

Are you me? I could have written this post, you saved me the effort @Wearywithteens

You are the one choosing your portion size, snacks & second helpings tho. You could make diffrent choices .So your choice means its your fault. I've chosen to make chocolate once a week & don't buy biscuits or cake any more because I'm v greedy & can't limit myself to just 1of anything. This is because I hate being a size bigger than in my prime (which was a slim size 10/12). It's working ,but it's hard.

I listened to a radio programme about this very issue, one woman sounds just like you. She’s now part of a trial of a medication that addresses a specific hormone that is lacking which impacts on appetite. She was amazed how she lost weight due to being able to know when she’s full and when she’s hungry,

For two weeks of the month I fancy junk food but can generally keep it to a reasonable amount. For the other two weeks I find it incredibly difficult not to binge. I have obsessive thoughts about food that are very difficult to ignore. I don’t find it that difficult to believe that it’s much, much harder for some people to control their food intake than others. Of course those who are slim like to believe that it’s all down to their superior willpower! If all that you did was try to lose weight, maybe you could but most of us have a life that means we can’t give it 100% focus.

I think some people do have genes that make them hungrier/crave more sugary food/more prone to feeling low in mood and therefore comfort eating etc etc as well as genes which burn fat less fast than others. But I also agree with a PP who said you might be surprised how few people are genuinely effortlessly slim - there are a few lucky bastards but probably more people like my friend who is very slim and always insists oh no she’s not hungry she’ll just have a salad etc. She doesn’t want a salad every day any more than fatties like myself but she has just trained herself to have a salad as she likes to be slim. It took me a long time to realise that she wasn’t just a freak who loved salads and hated chocolate 😂

What’s the longest you’ve stuck to a diet?

Focus on health rather than weight. If you fill yourself up with healthy foods that you genuinely enjoy then there is less hunger for junk. You will ALWAYS be hungry if you are devoid of nutrition.
It disturbs me the attitude i see from a lot of people around food. Lots of "good" and "bad" black and white thinking. Worked with colleagues who were always on the merry go round of diets and losing some then piling it on, trying this or that diet club.

Without being patronising i could never fathom why they couldn't just stick to a balanced diet & regular exercise. But then people couldn't fathom why i cant organise myself in other ways. We are all different.

I would say acceptance with where you are at is a good starting point. Have a read up on nutrition. But yeah ultimately there's nothing wrong with being a bit bigger than the average.

@Iceskatingfan

I genuinely love salad. I love the taste and i love not being in a food coma afterwards.

But i also love pizza and chocolate

How much exercise do you do OP?
It’s clear from my experience that the older I get the harder it is to lose weight however the biggest single change I have made is to exercise more regularly. Not just going for a walk, but high intensity work outs at least 3 times a week. Sweating! Totally worth it. I feel more toned and I’ve slowly seen my weight drop without having to restrict my calories too much (I have made some changes).

I say this as an obese individual

It is your fault. 100% (providing you're an adult)

I realise it's hard to not be overweight when you have been your whole life.

I realise the strength of the cravings to eat whatever junk it is that we think we need. For years I just thought "I'm a grown woman, if I want that then I can have it. I've worked hard all day, I'm not a bad person." I has got to a place where I accepted I'd always been overweight, and that's fine, and there are all these play sized shops and plus sized models cropping up everywhere and I could embrace that as being a part of that 'big and beautiful and proud' group.

But I was miserable.

it's taken me until this year to truly see the damage I've done to myself. And that the crap I thought were "treats" were actually slowly killing me.

The difference in my mental health and self confidence as well as my physical health is quite astounding this year. And I never want to go back.

But - that's me. I don't judge anyone else for their weight or what they eat. I have no leg to stand on to judge.

Just for me. I was fucking miserable and so unhealthy. And only myself to blame for it.

There was an interesting programme once studying twins . And to cut a long story short they found the reason one was overweight and the other one was not was actually down to stomach bacteria. All these experts on here 🙄. Science is still evolving .

I hear you. But if I can give one piece of advice - try not to enter your 40s overweight. If you think the odds are stacked against you now, try losing, or even just maintaining weight during menopause. I wouldn't have believed it.
Insulin resistance. Pre-diabetes and inflammatory illness due to metabolic disorder. All of these things concern me.
Covid showed that being obese can leave us vulnerable to viruses we never expected.
If I had my time again, I'd reduce portions and take up running in my late 30s.

@DianaT1969 - nice to read that thank you.

I'm mid-30s and finally getting into shape. Exercising 5-6 times a week for the first time in my life.

And not snacking or eating junk.

I'm determined to have some years of my life where I think I look good. And where I feel good and positive about my health.

You love food more than you love the idea of weighing less. If you’re ok with that then great. Just don’t become the subject of a channel 5 documentary

@Unsure33

There was an interesting programme once studying twins . And to cut a long story short they found the reason one was overweight and the other one was not was actually down to stomach bacteria. All these experts on here 🙄. Science is still evolving .

Yes gut bacteria, like genes, can impact the way we put on weight. If you are someone who does have the 'fat' gene or the wrong gut microbiome then sadly you have to eat less than people who don't.It still isn't an excuse to be overweight with all the medical problems that can bring (heart disease, diabetes etc)

I’ve never really tried to control the amount I eat , and don’t exercise much (I do walk or cycle most places though). I was never overweight until I got an infection about 5 years ago I needed antibiotics for. I put on 2 stone very quickly and kept it on. I don’t think I’m doing anything different but I guess I must be. It almost feels like I must be processing the food more efficiently or something though.

OP Id probably be considered a naturally slim person. Theres no chance I've got any more willpower than anyone else, nor would I have the skill to judge my diet so that Iv been within a very narrow weight range my whole adult life, despite healthy and non healthy eating phases, veggie phases, running phases, chocolate for breakfast phases... I'm sure it's down to appetite and some part of my brain just knowing when I've had enough or need more. The only inkling I have of the difference was one contraceptive pill I took for a short time that made me so hungry it was all I could think about. There's no way that any willpower would have overcome that! I do think our bodies are much cleverer at this than we give them credit for.

How much exercise I do will affect what I look like at a particular weight, but I don't think it has a major effect on my size. A few hours a week just isn't going to cut it.

I have a good friend who sounds similar re his appetite, he has just always wanted large portions of food no matter what. The sort of things normally recommended for satiety (like low carb) make no difference for him. He did get to a point where he had to change something as he was pre diabetic. He's still a big guy but he managed to sustainably get down to a lower weight by 'high volume eating' which isnt a diet, just ideas on how to bulk out portions without adding too many calories. Most of the time it means that he has large portions of veg with his meals. I know that probably doesn't sound very appealing but for him, taste is important but the amount of food probably more so. I see him adding big portions of broccolli to his meals, thinking to myself I wish I could motivate myself to eat that healthily!

I love food. I have loved food ever since I can remember. I always wanted seconds. I did not grow up in an obesogenic environment
I agree with you. I personally believe it is your hormones or genetics.
I don't have a passion for food I'd never think about it unless I'm hungry if I'm really busy it is when I get dizziness I eat.
DP is a foodie he loves food and battles.
My Dsis lost 5 stone SW she no longer feels intense hunger.
My other Dsis is vegan constantly counting calories meal planning she can't lose weight.
Have you tried overeaters anonymous? For the support and psychological side.

I was always a healthy weight and could eat what I liked really. But when I was late 20s I was suddenly 4 stone overweight. It piled on over the course of a year, I was working hospital shifts, eating at work and then coming home and eating with dh as well. Then drinking quite a lot of alcohol. I also have pcos. I really struggled with lots of diets but I managed to get the weight off in the end, just by willpower and exercise really. If my weight creeps up now (I have a cut off weight and won't allow myself to go over) I sort it out. I do run every other day now which I never did before, but surprisingly it doesn't actually burn that many calories! I'm not skinny, I will never be thin but I'm a healthy weight now.
It's a struggle.

Personally I think there are many factors that lead to obesity, too many calories and not enough exercise is the obvious one, but then there is also science. Science seems to be catching up now there is an ' obesity epidemic ' , lots of people with the same issue means more money for research and potential new drugs being developed.

OP I watched a documentary not too long ago ... a young girl was constantly hungry, crying/demanding food to an extreme degree. She had tests and it turns out she had a medical condition which caused it. I don’t remember the name of the condition, but her brain just didn’t send/receive the correct signals so she absolutely was constantly very very hungry no matter how much she ate. Sometimes, there is a medical reason behind it - rare, but it does happen.

Unless you have a medical condition where you can't switch off your appetite , you're eating out of boredom , tiredness , sadness, happiness or all of these.
If you want to stop you need to find alternatives.
If not , carry on , but the bigger you get the more chance you have off becoming ill.

Something to add which I didn't mention.

My (only recently diagnosed) ADHD no doubt played a big part in my life of overeating.

ADHD brains don't make dopamine as well as 'normal' brains.

So we look for it in other places to make up for that.

Sugar/carbs is a very quick and easy dopamine boost.

So in that sense I was at a disadvantage as biologically I was lacking in dopamine and therefore struggled with choosing the long term benefits of refusing the food over the instant gratification of just eating what I wanted.