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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand all the Mothers Day complaining

190 replies

Crankley · 14/03/2021 15:26

I'm childless and do not understand this view nowadays that DH/DPs are expected to buy gifts and pander to their other halves on Mothers Day. The women aren't their mothers.

The day originated from Mothering Sunday when all the girls in service were given a day's holiday to go and spend the day with their mothers. There's no record of the mothers being pissed off because their husbands didn't buy them something.

As a child in the 40s and 50s I don't recall my DF buying my DM anything - his focus was on his own mother and when we were old enough we would make a card and buy some flowers for DM, make her breakfast in bed etc.

When did it all change?

OP posts:

Bonnie90x · 14/03/2021 15:40

It's just nice to have some acknowledgement from your DP/H of our hard work, particularly when children are too young to organise a card etc themselves. I appreciate my DP as a good Father and on Father's Day I get him a little token from our young children to show this....I expect the same on Mother's Day.

ssd · 14/03/2021 15:43

It probably changed when card companies and retailers realised that by exploiting peoples feelings they could make more money.
I don't remember it being a thing when I was young.

BritWifeinUSA · 14/03/2021 15:44

It didn’t originate from the girls in service getting the day off to visit their mothers. That came later. The origin of Mothering Sunday in medieval times was to go to your “mother church”, which was the one where you were baptized, on the middle Sunday in lent.

Givemeabreak88 · 14/03/2021 15:46

Yes I don’t get this either. I’m a lone parent to 4 children, my ex has never bought anything for me and isn’t on the scene so wouldn’t anyway not that I expect it, my kids are also to young to buy anything. I don’t care. I don’t get why people get so upset (even more so the ones who get upset that their EX didn’t buy them anything like wtf?!)

LApprentiSorcier · 14/03/2021 15:46

Yes, I'm childfree and I see what you mean. I can understand, though, if the children are too young to make or buy a card themselves, you might expect the dad to do it on their behalves but once they are old enough I'd say it should sit with the children.

Everything seems have morphed into a full-on event these days - gifts, meals, etc. Probably spa days in non-Covid times. What happened to taking pleasure in simple things, such as a card or something home-made?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/03/2021 15:48

@Bonnie90x

I find that concept strange. I parent, likewise so does DH, because we chose to have children. I don’t expect to thank DH for doing that, it’s surely the standard expectation when making the decision to have children.

Sansaplans · 14/03/2021 15:49

When we were little we would go out with DF and choose something, and make some cards etc. It was lovely, and although the presents were nought big, it was something we put a lot of thought into and I guess he facilitated that as we were too young to go shopping ourselves. I don't see the issue really, DH used to buy me a few bits from DS when he was a baby/toddler, and then when he was a bit older would do some crafts with him to make a card and get some chocolates. I thought it was nice, similarly though if he had never done that I wouldn't be upset, I guess as a family you set your own traiditons; the issue is when those ideas don't align.

WitchWife · 14/03/2021 15:50

Traditions change and a nice token of appreciation from your children and/or their father for all you do is sweet, cheap and kind. Why NOT do it is the question. I’m not that young and as little kids our dad would give flowers to our mum and his mum. Obviously as we got older we took over and did breakfast in bed, flowers or a small present or cake type of thing. Same for Father’s Day.

Saying thank you is a great habit to get kids (and adult men) into.

Itlod1982 · 14/03/2021 15:50

I don’t understand why so many mums are more interested in the fuss being made over them by their partners as it’s “their day”. Surely if you’re fortunate to have your own mum around you should be focussed on making it special for her rather than wanting your partner to fuss over you for looking after your own kids??
Different story when the kids are old enough to make an effort themselves

partyatthepalace · 14/03/2021 15:51

It’s become more commercial like every other festival - surely you can work that out for yourself?

But nothing wrong with wanting acknowledgment for a role that is under appreciated day to day. You sound like a bit of a sourpuss OP...

RosemarysCat · 14/03/2021 15:51

I completely agree with you op. It's another bullshit hallmark day. Good old capitalism.

Bonnie90x · 14/03/2021 15:54

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss well I guess all relationships are different. My DP and I enjoy a bit of acknowledgement now and then, we both work hard and of course accept our roles without fuss, but see no harm in a little card here and there.

Sirzy · 14/03/2021 15:55

I think in a lot of cases it is probably a sign of the deeper issues in the relationship.

Personally - Ds is 11 he is autistic and at dinner he decided it was time to throw the present (arranged by his nana) at me. That was enough for me!

Bonnie90x · 14/03/2021 15:55

A lot of you sound quite bloody miserable tbh 😂

Givemeabreak88 · 14/03/2021 15:57

Not as miserable as the ones complaining they didn’t get anything 🙄

FeckinCat · 14/03/2021 15:58

I think that social media means that we can now see what everyone else is doing on Mothers Day, which can increase our expectations of what we think should be happening in our own homes.

If your FB feed is full of photos of cards, flowers, presents and cakes, then you're bound to feel disappointed if you don't have a similar experience. I have absolutely no idea what other families did back when I was a child but SM means that I now know exactly what friends/neighbours are doing on any given celebration/day.

FoxyTheFox · 14/03/2021 15:58

I think if you're perhaps feeling unappreciated or taken for granted then days like today can bring those feelings to the surface.

When children are too young to sort it out themselves then their dad should at the very least help them make/buy a card, it's the work of moments to show some appreciation.

Thenose · 14/03/2021 15:58

Things change. Mothers' Day has evolved to signify a celebration of motherhood. I don't find it difficult to understand why somebody might feel unappreciated if the occasion is ignored by the father of their children.

yellowlorry123 · 14/03/2021 15:59

It's all Commercial crap. I totally agree. Told
Husband not to get me a gift. Flowers, cars, coffee in bed was nice

HalfTermHalfTerm · 14/03/2021 15:59

So your mum didn’t receive any gift or acknowledgement of Mother’s Day until you and your siblings were old enough to do something for her?

I wouldn’t expect one of the “to my wife on Mother’s Day” cards but if my partner and I had a child I would expect him to do any organising until the child was old enough to do it themselves.

WitchWife · 14/03/2021 15:59

Typical of some on MN to say it’s unnecessarily to say thanks for looking after your own kids So what? It’s still nice to do it - people often thank the bus driver for driving the bus, or the nurses for looking after them at the hospital, or the shop assistant for bagging up their groceries - and that’s their job! We’re not born with a limited amount of “thank you”s on our tongues and we need to mete them out with care in case we run out of them.

I thank my partner for washing up and he thanks me for hanging up laundry - it makes life more pleasant for everyone. And let’s face it with babies especially most of the pressure and work falls on the mother and often there is little appreciation given. Being nice for one day fgs isn’t hard.

BrumBoo · 14/03/2021 16:00

I'm childless and do not understand this view nowadays that DH/DPs are expected to buy gifts and pander to their other halves on Mothers Day. The women aren't their mothers.

Because times have changed. Because women are always expected to do something for the dads come Father's Day. Because just because your wife/partner isn't 'your mother', it doesn't mean you shouldn't (in the early years) show some token of respect for what she does both physically and mentally that made you both parents. Because it's not 'pandering', it's about showing an ounce of appreciation for Motherhood - something people are disregarding more and more these days. Because it shows children (especially young boys) that men should and can think of something simple but respectful to do one day of the year - lead by example.

I completely agree with you op. It's another bullshit hallmark day. Good old capitalism.

Every single 'holiday' now is a Hallmark holiday. You can partake as much or as little as you choose as an individual. I dont really see how it's any of your business what others expect from a Hallmark Day though.

StepOutOfLine · 14/03/2021 16:01

I've only seen the totally batshit stuff on MN tbh.
It's fun every year to spot the most utterly entitled crazy crazy thread though. Got my eye on this year's potential winner.
Clue: doesn't involve children of any age giving anything to mothers.
Because that would be too logical.

TheSmallAssassin · 14/03/2021 16:02

Yes, isn't it terrible that women have started to expect more than just being a drudge for everyone in the house, they should be thankful for the odd grunted thank you and think themselves lucky!

Foghead · 14/03/2021 16:03

Those with nice kind partners are not complaining. It’s the ones who’s partners treat them like crap and remind them of how crap they are on mother’s day by doing nothing different but being continuously crap.

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