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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand all the Mothers Day complaining

190 replies

Crankley · 14/03/2021 15:26

I'm childless and do not understand this view nowadays that DH/DPs are expected to buy gifts and pander to their other halves on Mothers Day. The women aren't their mothers.

The day originated from Mothering Sunday when all the girls in service were given a day's holiday to go and spend the day with their mothers. There's no record of the mothers being pissed off because their husbands didn't buy them something.

As a child in the 40s and 50s I don't recall my DF buying my DM anything - his focus was on his own mother and when we were old enough we would make a card and buy some flowers for DM, make her breakfast in bed etc.

When did it all change?

OP posts:
Notnt · 14/03/2021 16:06

I agree, I have 2 babies, one a newborn. My partner did get me a card and a gift from the kids and older one made me a picture in nursery which I love, but partner taking over most of the housework (we'd usually share) and getting up with our older child (thankfully not an early riser anyway!) so I can catch up on sleep after night feeds has been so much better than a day of gifts and whatnot.
It just seems very commercialised to me, so personally I'm not bothered. If I was, I'd let my partner know to avoid disappointment, but it's same as Valentine's day, a card, if anything, will do.

Cam2020 · 14/03/2021 16:08

Consumerism.

ElizaLaLa · 14/03/2021 16:20

I don't get all the complaining either, but for different reasons. Be glad you have your children, there are many people that want them but can't.

FoxyTheFox · 14/03/2021 16:23

And the struggles of people unable to conceive are awful, I myself had problems conceiving and carrying, but that doesn't mean other people need to just suck it up when they feel underappreciated.

fivelemons · 14/03/2021 16:27

@Crankley

I'm childless and do not understand this view nowadays that DH/DPs are expected to buy gifts and pander to their other halves on Mothers Day. The women aren't their mothers.

The day originated from Mothering Sunday when all the girls in service were given a day's holiday to go and spend the day with their mothers. There's no record of the mothers being pissed off because their husbands didn't buy them something.

As a child in the 40s and 50s I don't recall my DF buying my DM anything - his focus was on his own mother and when we were old enough we would make a card and buy some flowers for DM, make her breakfast in bed etc.

When did it all change?

I'm childless and do not understand this view nowadays that DH/DPs are expected to buy gifts and pander to their other halves on Mothers Day. The women aren't their mothers

No they aren't but they are the mothers of their DH/DP's children, and many of those kids will be too young to be able to get a Mother's Day gift or card themselves. So until the dc are old enough, the DH/DP should organise it on their behalf.

Onedropbeat · 14/03/2021 16:29

I love it. It’s better than Christmas as I haven’t had to think or do anything

I’m being showered in gifts that I didn’t ask or hint for, I’ve not had to lift a finger.
The kids have been taken out to give me peace and quiet and I’m being bought cups of tea and coffee at will and will have dinner cooked for me later

I’m making the most of this while it lasts as it won’t be this good when the kids are old enough to sort it out for themselves

DH putting so much effort in because i generally do a lot for him and the family and it’s a nice way of recognising that

(He generally cooks the Sunday dinner and we take it in turns for lie ins at the weekend normally anyway)

Okbussitout · 14/03/2021 16:32

Isn't it a wild thought that cultural practices change?!

I doubt Christmas or birthdays or any other occasion are the same as they were in the 50s.

Penistoe · 14/03/2021 16:35

You said yourself you are not a mother so it’s not something you really need to have an opinion on. Maybe focus your time worrying about things that do concern you.

IrmaFayLear · 14/03/2021 16:36

It’s one thing to moan if everyone’s forgotten or if a dh can’t be bothered to be the agent for little dcs, ie organising card/present.

But I am surprised at some posters expecting extraordinary (Instagram-worthy) efforts or believing that other family members should acknowledge the day.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 14/03/2021 16:38

Oh seriously shush. I also remember my DF never cooking or cleaning or helping with Dc in any way. I'm not going to accept that in my home so why shouldn't other traditions change.

Nothing more ridiculous then the contingent that believe just because they didn't have appreciation noone else should expect it. I work my proverbial off 365 days a year , especially this year.

I do it with good grace with a clear understanding that I chose to have my DC but I am not going to feel guilty that exdh and dp got me a plant and some treats from dc to say they appreciated my work just because other women have decided I should suffer because they did.

Sod that.

LApprentiSorcier · 14/03/2021 16:38

@Penistoe

You said yourself you are not a mother so it’s not something you really need to have an opinion on. Maybe focus your time worrying about things that do concern you.
Oh, here we go, the childless must go back into their boxes because we're not allowed an opinion.

I hate to point out the obvious but everyone, childfree or not, has or had a mother!

Of course we are entitled to an opinion.

Tinydinosaur · 14/03/2021 16:40

Im the mother of my husband's child. I'm carrying his baby, putting my body through the strain of growing and birthing a baby. I will then spend the rest of my life looking after that child, feeding them from my body, teaching them, raising them. I am not wrong to want my husband to appreciate what I do for our child. And I will appreciate everything my husband does for our child so I will celebrate him for fathers day. And by doing that, we will teach our child what they should do for the people who love and care for them. How will a child learn to show appreciation if they never see anyone do it? Lead by example.

toolatetofixate · 14/03/2021 16:41

I agree. When children get older they can pick some flowers in the park and make a card for mum. There are a lot of posters on here today looking for something to get in a state about.

Hardbackwriter · 14/03/2021 16:43

As a child in the 40s and 50s I don't recall my DF buying my DM anything - his focus was on his own mother and when we were old enough we would make a card and buy some flowers for DM, make her breakfast in bed etc.

Ah, I see the problem. My DS has the same issue, he also assumes that everyone does everything exactly as we do it and that if it's what his mummy and daddy do it must be the right way. But I thought it was because he was not yet 3, so I'm surprised you haven't yet grown out of it...

MinesAPintOfTea · 14/03/2021 16:45

@yellowlorry123

It's all Commercial crap. I totally agree. Told Husband not to get me a gift. Flowers, cars, coffee in bed was nice
I would have loved flowers. Or anything more than DS’s name signed on the end of a poem his teacher has printed out.

It stings more this year because I’ve done 90% of the homeschooling for months and months while working and I’m still not appreciated. If there had been spontaneous appreciation through the year of the effort involved then I might feel less hurt that DH stop didn’t get DS to do something when the shops etc have been full of “Mother’s day” stuff for weeks.

BrumBoo · 14/03/2021 16:45

Oh, here we go, the childless must go back into their boxes because we're not allowed an opinion.

Sorry, but in a few instances not having children does limit your opinions on things. You may be allowed to have your opinions, but without the very unique and personal experience that mothers have, you really cannot judge mothers for how they would like to be treated on Mothers Day itself. It's very juvenile to base your opinion on having a mother yourself, that is nothing in comparison to being one yourself.

OutComeTheWolves · 14/03/2021 16:46

Because sometimes an particular occasion can make it really clear you're in a shit relationship after just bumbling through the day to day the rest of the time.

Ie if my husband was kind and caring and made me feel loved everyday I wouldn't be that bothered if I got a shit Mother's Day gift. If he generally treated me as an afterthought, I might be thinking today's the day he'll show me how much he cares. Then if he doesn't the penny would finally drop that he actually doesn't care.

LApprentiSorcier · 14/03/2021 16:47

I was a child in the 70s and 80s. My dad must have sorted cards out when we were very small, but once we were at playgroup/school there were always opportunities to make one without mum seeing.

After the age of about six I used to have a crack (with varying degrees of failure) at whatever Blue Peter's Mother's Day craft project was. Mum was always making dinner while Blue Peter was on, so no risk of the surprise being spoiled.

Moirarose2021 · 14/03/2021 16:47

It's to do with feeling appreciated. I have had a lovely day but would not have been bothered if all I got was a coffee in bed but I feel appreciated most of the time. If you feel as though you are taken for granted all year the absence of a gift/card is amplified. However I do feel more people need to be upfront with their expectations, don't say you don't want something if you do

MeanderingGently · 14/03/2021 16:51

I quite agree OP, why are all these husbands/partners expected to give something on Mothers Day? No woman should be designated as mothering her DH/DP, everyone should be valuing what their own mother did for them. Times have certainly changed, I never expected to receive anything from my husband but we concentrated on our own respective mothers instead, while I happily received hand-drawn cards and garden posies from our children....

alltoomuchrightnow · 14/03/2021 16:51

I agree . I'm childless/ infertile
All the moaning re a commercial
day
Be thankful you could have babies

Laila747 · 14/03/2021 16:54

I’ve always been happy with a nice card, my DC are all aware that I don’t expect chocolates and flowers and a big fuss. I’m lucky though, they do it anyway and my OH will cook me a nice meal and the DC will help him clean up (the massive distruction) after.
I don’t expect it though. BUT I do understand there are people that aren’t as fortunate, mums that would love nothing more than for someone else to cook for one day and a small acknowledgment of what they do for everyone else, every single day...often without thanks.

So I can’t judge how anyone else feels about this day. It must be horrible to feel under valued and unappreciated. And it most cases, all it would take is a nice card and a genuine thankyou for all you do.
And no, I’m not my OH mother, but I am the mother of his children and it’s nice to be recognised for all the effort I make to make sure they’re all looked after.

LApprentiSorcier · 14/03/2021 16:57

Sorry, but in a few instances not having children does limit your opinions on things.

This is nonsense. I can have an opinion on any subject under the sun. It's up to you whether you agree with it, but you can't and won't stop me forming it.

BrumBoo · 14/03/2021 17:00

@LApprentiSorcier

Sorry, but in a few instances not having children does limit your opinions on things.

This is nonsense. I can have an opinion on any subject under the sun. It's up to you whether you agree with it, but you can't and won't stop me forming it.

Of course not, and I said that in my full post. What I said was that your opinions are limited in their view point, you simply do not know what expectations you would actually have of MD if you were a mother yourself. Without the experience then you can have opinions but doesn't mean those who are mothers will find them valid.
Bluewavescrashing · 14/03/2021 17:01

My DH wrote me a nice message in a card and made the DCs do it too. He bought a couple of small thoughtful gifts, flowers and made a special breakfast. I think he is setting an example to the DCs who are still pretty self centred which is good. Nothing over the top but thanks for everything you do.