To not understand all the Mothers Day complaining

[Crankley]

I'm childless and do not understand this view nowadays that DH/DPs are expected to buy gifts and pander to their other halves on Mothers Day. The women aren't their mothers.

The day originated from Mothering Sunday when all the girls in service were given a day's holiday to go and spend the day with their mothers. There's no record of the mothers being pissed off because their husbands didn't buy them something.

As a child in the 40s and 50s I don't recall my DF buying my DM anything - his focus was on his own mother and when we were old enough we would make a card and buy some flowers for DM, make her breakfast in bed etc.

When did it all change?

It’s about the organising
ExDH would help DC bring me coffee in bed, make a card and pick me some flowers
When I became a lone parent DM and DF were lovely enough to help DC sort out a token of their appreciation
Once they were 11+ DC could go to shop and had pocket money so could sort out themselves even if it was £1 for bunch of daffodils
Now they are grown up and I get spoilt rotten - today cards, flowers, beauty voucher and they brought round an afternoon tea

And he turned the hearing off while we were out this afternoon.

So I’ve made mine and DD’s dinner and now sitting in the cold. I feel really appreciated.

*heating

I just find it odd that on Mother's Day, the producers of the brand new season of Top Gear has decided it's the best week to do a long piece on "Dad's Cars".

At least Chris talked about his DM being the better driver in his house.

It has been a particularly difficult year for many of us with young children. We've had to home school, in many cases alongside working, plus deal with the additional housework and stresses of everyone being home. This year of all years it has been hard being a mother.

Personally I don't want expensive gifts, but I was delighted that my husband sorted a card and some chocolates and wine as a present from my children, who are too young to do it themselves. My favourite thing was the handmade cards, but they needed help to do that. I'll do the same for him on father's day. If he hadn't bothered I would have felt very hurt.

We could all mind our own business about what everyone else is doing, after all, somebody getting spa days or expensive gifts doesnt affect my life or anybody else on here,complaining about it. Let people live their lives and you live your life.

I agree. I don’t get it either OP? Im not sure what these posters expect? I’ve seen so much ungrateful moaning today from posters who’ve received gifts that presumably aren’t extravagant enough. What do they expect from young children in the middle of a pandemic when everywhere is closed?

It changed because society changed. With all due respect quite a lot of things have changed since the 40s-50s and for the better. Civil Rights, food, the ability to go abroad on holiday. Mothers Day is the smallest change by far.

@Cactus1982

I agree. I don’t get it either OP? Im not sure what these posters expect? I’ve seen so much ungrateful moaning today from posters who’ve received gifts that presumably aren’t extravagant enough. What do they expect from young children in the middle of a pandemic when everywhere is closed?

Assistance from their fathers? I had no issue organising flowers for my mother. He had no issue arranging a family zoom for his. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@nofrizzplease

Teenagers can be thoughtless and forgetful but should be able to put something together - even if it’s cooking supper or washing up.

What's so second rate about cooking supper that it deserves an "even if it's just"?

I think teenagers should be cooking supper more than once a year as a part of normal family life. It shouldn’t necessarily be something special but might be for some.

In most of these posts though, the children have had assistance from their fathers it’s just not enough. It’s so bloody ungrateful. What happened to the saying ‘it’s the thought that counts?’. I can’t help but feel these women are probably hard work and need constant validation all the time, not just on Mother’s Day.

We’ve been “ trad “ in this.
When the kids were tiny it was upsetting that he didn’t do anything for Mother’s Day. I got the cards from nursery / school but that was about it.
HOWEVER over the years the kids have done their own stuff and it’s been all the more special because if that

I use these occasions to teach my kids lessons to do with appreciating and showing how important somebody is to you. That doesn’t have to be grand gestures or expensive presents. But considering the person, appreciating what they do for you and showing how much they love you is what it’s all about. And yes, sometimes a DP or DH will have to be involved in that depending on how old the children are. Having a day to remember to do that helps a lot because generally we take those we love for granted and forget to do those important things, which is always nearly regretted later in life.

Needless to say, there was not much of any of that going on for me today and yeah I’m sad about it.

@Cactus1982

In most of these posts though, the children have had assistance from their fathers it’s just not enough. It’s so bloody ungrateful. What happened to the saying ‘it’s the thought that counts?’. I can’t help but feel these women are probably hard work and need constant validation all the time, not just on Mother’s Day.

There was no “thought” in my case though. DD drew me a card. I’ve bent over backwards to accommodate “D”H for months, doing far more than half the child related stuff for months so that he can do an activity of his choosing for 18+ hours a week and he couldn’t be bothered to acknowledge any of it.

So fuck him. He can train at midnight because I’m not carrying his parenting responsibilities for another 6 months. All it would have taken was a thank you and a bar of chocolate. But even that was too much trouble.

@Crankley

I'm childless and do not understand this view nowadays that DH/DPs are expected to buy gifts and pander to their other halves on Mothers Day. The women aren't their mothers.

The day originated from Mothering Sunday when all the girls in service were given a day's holiday to go and spend the day with their mothers. There's no record of the mothers being pissed off because their husbands didn't buy them something.

As a child in the 40s and 50s I don't recall my DF buying my DM anything - his focus was on his own mother and when we were old enough we would make a card and buy some flowers for DM, make her breakfast in bed etc.

When did it all change?

It doesn't matter whether you understand the upset or not. We're all entitled to our own feelings, and just because you deem it an irrelevance to get upset about Mother's Day doesn't mean it isn't upsetting to someone else. So why not stop getting worked up about something that doesn't affect you at all and let others feel upset if that's how they want to feel. You don't get to invalidate someone's feelings just because you're too stupid to understand why it might feel hurtful.

My mum remembers my grand-father bringing flowers to his wife on Mother's Day. So what?

I agree people on Mumsnet are ridiculous for complaining especially when the partner has bought something but it wasn't "special enough" People should stop seeing the negative and drama in everything and make their own special day

Sorry for all of you who haven’t been treated with kindness and respect today - or in some cases ever. Can I just please suggest you DEMAND more from your partners and - if possible - start to assert your own wants and needs. You have nothing to lose.

But it’s ok for you call someone ‘stupid’ IvysPoison?

@LemonRoses
I think teenagers should be cooking supper more than once a year as a part of normal family life. It shouldn’t necessarily be something special but might be for some.

My teens cook every week, I appreciate their efforts every time they do - and I expect them to do the same for me - the meal they cook on Mother's Day is special and my appreciation is no less so because they have cooked for me two days previously. No rabbits out of a hat needed! I'll very grateful to anyone who spends time cooking lovely food for me.

I beg to differ! Mothers day is celebrating mothers! So if its ur Mum or the mother of ur children etc. Iv wished many mums happy mothers day today. Why not! And yes my husband bought myself n his mum things and i got my mum gifts too. Why should it b so limited? Strange and backward mentality.

Ok, I’ve had too many wines, I’m biting.

To those who can’t have children, I am so sorry, I can’t imagine the pain you feel. I do feel very blessed, every day, to have two healthy children. I am lucky.

But they can be utter arseholes (kids can be, it’s my job to help them not grow into fully fledged arseholes). Lockdown and homeschooling has been hard.

It might sound harsh, but it’s true. To me. Because everyone’s pain is relative.

To those saying think of the people without kids, did your dads give you away? Do you ever find them frustrating? Or did your mum help you move into your first flat/house? But still do your head in?

I could say ‘lucky you, I wish I was so lucky. I found my dad dead/held my dying mums hand’ But I don’t because everyone’s pain is relative. It can be horrible and I’m envious of all the things people get to share with their parents that I never did - they get to see them after lockdown, I don’t.

People who have strained relationships with their parents I could tell them to stop being so selfish because they’re to have them. But I don’t. Because not everyone’s situation is like mine.

I’ve had a great Mother’s Day. I’m lucky, my husband recognises how much I do do, and the kids recognise too. On Father’s Day we do the same for my husband. We acknowledge his sacrifices- which as a parent as lucky as we are, we make sacrifices (some we knew we’d make, some we naively didn’t really clock until the kids came along!!)

My long slightly drunken ramble (I miss my mum for those wondering why I’m drunk) is basically a way of saying ‘oh for goodness sake, stop judging people when you’ve not walked even 10 steps in their shoes.’ I really wish mumsnet would go back to span gran and school run parking threads, as it’s currently a pit of everyone’s lockdown anger and depression bubbling around in judgemental fashion. Which I understand but makes for depressing reading.

I lost my mum and I have 3 children of my own. I absolutely hate mothers day.

I dont get anything from the kids, i have told them i don’t want anything. If i say that, i mean it 100%.

Its hurting that my mum isn’t here. Its a day to avoid.

DH will buy me an impromptu bottle of wine and I like that. Means a heck more than a day set on the calendar when its expected.

Yes defo down to consumerism. Even siblings give to their sisters (who are mothers) on Mother's Day.
As for expectation from dh/p I think it's nowadays come more down to the fact that the dh is acknowledging appreciating all that you do for the children, the children are too young to go out and buy flowers or make breakfast.
As a society it's become a norm, everyone plasters everything on social media, which makes others feel like shit if their other half isn't getting them flowers etc.
Men should be taught to appreciate thier wife/mother everyday, not just one day of the year, it should be a norm for them to make it a habit to
Treat their women every so often.

Commercial yes but also because mums are increasingly overloaded... what with the double shift.
it would not be such a big issue if men were doing their part / women were appreciated all throughout the year.
But often you get posts from women with shit DP's.. who were hoping and hinting for stuff for the day... sadly disappointed just like Valentine's day.
When I become a mum I won't give a shit either - birthday and anniversary only!