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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand all the Mothers Day complaining

190 replies

Crankley · 14/03/2021 15:26

I'm childless and do not understand this view nowadays that DH/DPs are expected to buy gifts and pander to their other halves on Mothers Day. The women aren't their mothers.

The day originated from Mothering Sunday when all the girls in service were given a day's holiday to go and spend the day with their mothers. There's no record of the mothers being pissed off because their husbands didn't buy them something.

As a child in the 40s and 50s I don't recall my DF buying my DM anything - his focus was on his own mother and when we were old enough we would make a card and buy some flowers for DM, make her breakfast in bed etc.

When did it all change?

OP posts:
Original poster
Crankley · 14/03/2021 17:02

Penistoe
You said yourself you are not a mother so it’s not something you really need to have an opinion on. Maybe focus your time worrying about things that do concern you.

LApprentiSorcier is right, you think I should have no opinion on the subject and I probably wouldn't give a fuck except every other thread in AIBU is by a woman pissed off because their DH/DP didn't buy them a big enough or the right present. The DH/DP should be concentrating on their own mother.

Shinyletsbebadguys
Oh seriously shush. I also remember my DF never cooking or cleaning or helping with Dc in any way. I'm not going to accept that in my home so why shouldn't other traditions change.

Shush yourself. My DF did his fair share of housework and parenting, Not all 1950's men were like your DF.

Foghead
Those with nice kind partners are not complaining. It’s the ones who’s partners treat them like crap and remind them of how crap they are on mother’s day by doing nothing different but being continuously crap.

I'm sure you're right but if the men are so crap, why do the woman stay with them? I guess some are of the opinion that any man is better than no man at all which is definitely not the case.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 14/03/2021 17:03

@Penistoe

You said yourself you are not a mother so it’s not something you really need to have an opinion on. Maybe focus your time worrying about things that do concern you.
Ouch.
LApprentiSorcier · 14/03/2021 17:08

Of course not, and I said that in my full post. What I said was that your opinions are limited in their view point, you simply do not know what expectations you would actually have of MD if you were a mother yourself. Without the experience then you can have opinions but doesn't mean those who are mothers will find them valid.

Yes, well, that's the nature of a forum and particularly AIBU. There'd be no point in forums existing if everyone agreed.

My objection was to Penistoe trying to shut down the OP on the basis she's not a mum. Especially as the OP identified as 'childless' not 'childfree' this was a particularly cruel comment (I appreciate you didn't make the original comment, BrumBoo )

JojoLapin · 14/03/2021 17:08

I get the consumerism argument and mostly agree with it too. I did not get a card, let alone a present, and was genuinely hurt by it today. I am not looking for a thank you but the lack of attention hit me quite hard.

Popcornbetty · 14/03/2021 17:10

‘ I don’t understand why so many mums are more interested in the fuss being made over them by their partners as it’s “their day”. Surely if you’re fortunate to have your own mum around you should be focussed on making it special for her rather than wanting your partner to fuss over you for looking after your own kids??
Different story when the kids are old enough to make an effort themselves.’

So women who are actively mothering are supposed to shun Mother’s to pander after their own mother? I don’t agree with that. Mother’s Day is for all mothers and personally if actively mothering those women need a rest more IMO

Popcornbetty · 14/03/2021 17:11

*shun Mother’s Day

SecretSpAD · 14/03/2021 17:11

I hated Mother's Day because I resented being forced as a child to "celebrate" the woman who made my life a living hell. As I got older I made sure I was elsewhere or had other plans so I had an excuse to nit see her. After the age of 14 I didn't bother buying a card or flowers. She hated me fir everything else so that was just one more thing. Didn't stop the demanding, abuse and crocodile tears though.

Not having children myself was the perfect excuse to ignore the day - invariably I would spend it with a close friend who is infertile and finds the whole day a painful reminder of what she will never have.

And yes, I do judge the women who demand special treatment.

My husband and I adopted our niece and nephew following their mothers death. So technically I'm a mother (I guess that makes me finally entitled to air my opinion) but they also had a complicated relationship with their mother and memories of being shouted at for not doing enough on Mother's Day.

So we ignore it as a family. I know they love and appreciate me every day. I know my husband does too. I love and appreciate them. I don't need to be pandered to for one day a year. It's pathetic.

Hardbackwriter · 14/03/2021 17:13

The DH/DP should be concentrating on their own mother.

I guess my DH is some sort of superhero because he managed to get a nice card and a small, thoughtful present for me and to do the same for his mum.

luckylavender · 14/03/2021 17:15

@Bonnie90x - there's your birthday, your Anniversary, Valentines, Christmas, Easter... does he have to do all of them too?

Popcornbetty · 14/03/2021 17:17

@SecretSpAD so sorry you went through that. I think it definitely depends on the mother in question and it shouldn’t be seen as a given that all mothers are amazing.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/03/2021 17:19

I think it’s really important for mothers to have a day to feel appreciated, regardless of the history.

ItsMarch · 14/03/2021 17:23

I do love the cards they make at nursery. I’d never have the patience to do finger painting etc with the kids.
I’ve never expected a big gift though, I do find that a bit odd.

KeyboardWorriers · 14/03/2021 17:26

DH and I split the chores/childcare etc 50/50 and also earn very similar amounts and have similar "spending money" left over.

Consequently it is nice he gets the children to sort some bits on mother's day and I do the same on father's Day but equally I don't expect huge gestures or a whole day off.

I think it would be different though if I were a SAHM to pre school age and had little free money or free time. Then I can see how much it might matter to just feel noticed and thanked and indulged a bit.

DH did well this year -a picture,flowers and champagne. But I long ago (as a single mum with young children) got into the habit of treating myself on all these occasions which means anything extra I get is a bonus - that would be .my suggestion to anyone with a thoughtless husband. My sister's husband has his head in the clouds so I tend to buy her gifts and flowers as well!

sneakysnoopysniper · 14/03/2021 17:27

I hated Mother's Day because I resented being forced as a child to "celebrate" the woman who made my life a living hell.

As a child my father gave me many a beating with his fists and his belt and my mother did nothing to prevent it.

When my little princess of a sister became pregnant at 16 she was more abusive to my father than I would ever have been, even as an adult. One day he went to hit her and my mother threw herself between them and told him that if he hit her she would leave hm.

She never did that for me.

Thanks mum!

Shannaratiger · 14/03/2021 17:36

I got a card from my dc's and brought a card for my DM and DM in law, quite happy with that. I know I'm appreciated and loved don't need lots of presents to tell me that.

MaryShelley1818 · 14/03/2021 17:38

I can see why it's difficult for some people, I can also see why it's important to others.
I think it's difficult to know for sure exactly how you would feel if you don't actually have children.

I think there's nothing wrong with a father helping little children to recognise their mother. Yes it should happen "every" day but people lead busy lives.

I had a lie in, some lovely cards, a cushion with my children's names on and a little Unicorn model.
DH entertained the children while I made a special afternoon tea for us all to enjoy. And I'm now enjoying a long bubble bath - which might as well be a million pound as I have a 5wk old baby! Best day ever.

Bonnie90x · 14/03/2021 17:40

@luckylavender no, he doesn't have to. But he does, just as I do him. What's the issue with that? We aren't rich, we're not extravagant, it's just a little nudge to remind each other that we love and appreciate each other on special occasions.

Kona84 · 14/03/2021 17:40

I don’t get it either.
Maybe we need a co-parenting appreciation day instead.
I’m not a massive fan of any commercial holiday including Christmas.
Show gratitude daily and don’t safe it for when Clinton’s tells you it’s the day to do it

RedGoldAndGreene · 14/03/2021 17:48

I suspect it's because they make a fuss on Fathers Day and want the effort reciprocated.

Toddlerteaplease · 14/03/2021 17:50

@BritWifeinUSA

It didn’t originate from the girls in service getting the day off to visit their mothers. That came later. The origin of Mothering Sunday in medieval times was to go to your “mother church”, which was the one where you were baptized, on the middle Sunday in lent.
Was just about to post the exact same thing. But you've worded it better than me!
MindyStClaire · 14/03/2021 17:52

I don't expect DH to get me anything from him for Mother's Day as, as is so often said on here, I am not his mother. I do however expect him to arrange a gift and card from the DC as they are far too young to do it themselves.

This isn't a grabby thing, it's about appreciation as others have said. I want him to raise them to see me with respect, not as their skivvy. Similarly, I expect him to arrange a small gift from them on my birthday and for Christmas. It's like anything else with small children, you model the behaviour you want to see from them when they're older. They love handing a present over, we all get something out of the ritual.

Obviously, I do the same for him on father's day, his birthday and Christmas.

He also sent a gift to his lovely mother, because he was raised right, to appreciate his parents and he's teaching our daughters the same.

He managed to arrange a gift and a card for TWO WHOLE WOMEN while working full-time and pulling his weight with the kids and the house. It's not like it's a massive ask.

WhenLifeReturns · 14/03/2021 17:53

Because times change. Its 2021.

WhenLifeReturns · 14/03/2021 17:54

@WhenLifeReturns

Because times change. Its 2021.
And the husbands/DP like to show appreciation of how amazing of a mother we are to their children. At least mines does!
Itsjustaride8w737 · 14/03/2021 17:58

We literally grew and birthed these humans - of course we should get a bloody card!

Quit4me · 14/03/2021 17:58

When you have kids OP you will realise that being a mother, whilst being wonderful is also a hugely thankless task. It’s difficult to full imagine and appreciate before kids that you would willingly give up your wants and needs pretty much every day, in favour of others wants and needs but that’s what happens very often.
One day a year where someone else takes care of you and makes you feel special and thanked is wonderful and much needed. It’s doesn’t have to involve gifts and frippery.
PP was right about the origins- it comes from Mothering Sunday when you return to your mother church for the day. The origins are steeped in religion as is many of the traditions and special days we have in the UK