To not understand all the Mothers Day complaining

[Crankley]

I'm childless and do not understand this view nowadays that DH/DPs are expected to buy gifts and pander to their other halves on Mothers Day. The women aren't their mothers.

The day originated from Mothering Sunday when all the girls in service were given a day's holiday to go and spend the day with their mothers. There's no record of the mothers being pissed off because their husbands didn't buy them something.

As a child in the 40s and 50s I don't recall my DF buying my DM anything - his focus was on his own mother and when we were old enough we would make a card and buy some flowers for DM, make her breakfast in bed etc.

When did it all change?

Well the “D”H who hadn’t bothered to organise anything again told me he is moving out once DC in bed. Am I allowed to feel he’s an unsupportive git yet?

If you're childless, why would you start this thread? You don't have 'to get it'.
What about the mothers to young children that don't have mothers, isn't it nice to be thought of by their own Dp/children for being a mother? On a day that's important and you have no mother yourself in your life.
It's a nice thing to do and it's a nice thing to teach children to be kind.

Why the big deal? If you don't like it, fine, but as you don't have children,look after your own mother and not care.
It's not difficult.

I hate these threads, like a woman is being 'self centred 'because she wants to be thought of. It's being caring. That's what you do in relationships.

I've never pushed this day with my DC. Neither DH or I have living parents but what sticks in my head is my little nephew facing fathers day not long after BiL died, crying his heart out as he didn't know what he was going to do at school when the other children were making fathers day cards. No small child should have to deal with that on top of everything else.

My DC are young adults, sometimes they remember, sometimes they don't. Meh!

I did get a card this year, one with lots of photos of myself and DD on them. This is my second Mother’s Day and I just like that there’s a day that’s for celebrating motherhood - it’s one of the hardest jobs and often goes without much recognition so it’s nice that we get a day- not that it’s much different from any other day.

The only thing that made today different was DH did the poo-nappies and I got to have the mid-day nap with DD (DD has a little snooze on us in the middle of the day and on weekends it’s for my DH as he see’s her less often in the week- but today he let me cuddle with her for her nap)

I love Mother’s Day, because I love being a Mother not because it’s another ‘gift buying’ occasion.

Fathers of small children facilitate presents on behalf of their DC, this is hardly unusual for any occasion

I’ve had a great day, nothing lavish but a lovely day filled with thought and love. DH assisted a little, although my teen DC were pretty self motivated - what’s not to like or understand about that?

We don’t ever celebrate it. Didn’t do it with my mother, don’t expect my children to celebrate it. We don’t do Fathers Day either thank goodness. Just Christmas and birthdays. That’s enough fuss!

'When I become a mum I won't give a shit either - birthday and anniversary only!'

Untill you walk in a mother's shoes and realise how tough it can be you may very well change your mind! My opinion post dc is very different to before i had them. Its easy to say things before you've experienced it.

Until *

I thought the whole farrago was stupid and pointless before I had DD. Now she's here, I feel exactly the same. Why should we rely on a hugely commercialised day to feel validated? It's ridiculous.9

You don't have to buy into the commercialism though. You can mark Mothers Day like the majority of people I know seem to - home/school made cards from the DC, a lie in followed by a cup of tea/breakfast in bed, maybe some flowers or chocolates or other little token, a Sunday dinner, a visit/phone call to their own mum.

Or buy into commercialism if that's your thing! I don't get why people like the OP need to get involved or concerned about the way other people chose to spend a day.

As pp said there's nothing commercial about homemade cards and a cuppa!

Traditions change and a nice token of appreciation from your children and/or their father for all you do is sweet, cheap and kind. Why NOT do it is the question. I’m not that young and as little kids our dad would give flowers to our mum and his mum. Obviously as we got older we took over and did breakfast in bed, flowers or a small present or cake type of thing. Same for Father’s Day.

Saying thank you is a great habit to get kids (and adult men) into.

This.

I don't understand why a loving partner wouldn't want to facilitate Mother's Day on behalf of small children. How else do they learn? Same for Father's Day.

It's important and doesn't have to be extravagant.

Your traditional Mother’s Day was more or less what I had. Cards from kids, breakfast in bed made by kids with DH supervising. I got a tea light holder DS made at school and a box of chocolates from DD. I was v happy! DH probably made sure they had got the cards. Before the children were old enough to make craft things DH would give a card signed on their behalf. I actually think that’s nice and not high maintenance.

Or buy into commercialism if that's your thing!

Exactly! Usually we have a mother's day like the one I described but this year the DC (actually DH as they're too young to have their own money or an Amazon account) went all out in recognition of the fact my workload has doubled over the last year with homeschooling, including two children with additional needs, I also completed therapy for PTSD and anxiety, had surgery, and dealt with a whole load of wider family shit. I got a rather expensive gift that I've wanted for ages as well as a few other things, I'm grateful for it and it means a lot that they wanted to treat me.

Some just want acknowledgement in some form, be it a card, a present, a lie in. Of course this doesn't apply to everyone. Given you don't have any children, you won't have any understanding on the 'why' no matter how many people try to explain it to you.

What about the mothers to young children that don't have mothers, isn't it nice to be thought of by their own Dp/children for being a mother? On a day that's important and you have no mother yourself in your life.

Excellent point. I lost my mum before I had children. My dh and DS made a fuss of me yesterday and it was lovely.
My friend also left me a bunch of daffodils and some chocolates on my doorstep because she knows I find it difficult at times.

Surely it's normal to want to make a fuss of those you love?

My dad used to make sure we girls did something for Mothering Sunday for my mum - until we were old enough to do it ourselves.

My DS is now old enough to organise a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates and make a home made card (which I have always preferred as he puts so much thought into it every year). But DH used to help him when he was little.

This year DH and DS decided to cook Sunday lunch so I could have a day to myself - I've never laughed so much in my life, it was like watching Laurel and Hardy in action (even though DH lived alone for many years before we met). It doesn't do them any harm in recognising what I do every Sunday. We had a lovely trip out on Saturday to a local stately home (my favourite local walk) as that was my choice.

Father's day normally means the same with DH choosing how he wants to spend his day and us falling into line with that.

We just see it as a day to actually appreciate the other person in their role as a parent. No huge amounts of cash spent. I would be surprised if my presents came to £10. DH's Father's day gifts certainly don't. It's meant to be a token from the kids, not a huge thing.

But it's a chance to step back and think 'what would we do if we didn't have mum or didn't have dad' and recognise everything they do day in, day out.

We don't do Valentine's Day, not even cards to each other, as we don't see the need. But DS has always enjoyed Mother's/Father's day - taking up a cuppa in bed and hearing that we've really enjoyed our special day. I can't see anything wrong in that.

I think it is fair enough for husbands to step in for their children who are too small to do anything for mothers day. And it isn't a problem that it has morphed into an appreciation day for a parent rather than a church thing. Traditions change, it's no big deal, especially as there is Father's Day too.

I say this as someone who used to spend a great deal of time choosing a Mothers Day card that said very little because my mother was pretty bad. And as someone who had nothing on mothers day for years due to divorcing. No biggie.

However, son knew to give me a card and small present as he got older - again, not a big deal, but a nice gesture of appreciation, and since I help him a lot still, it's part of reciprocating that.

This is where it becomes a big deal though. When women turn themselves into drudges, who sacrifice themselves and thier well-being to partners and children who take them for granted; when they don't speak up and become martyrs; when they are pinning all their hopes on something at Mothers Day to show them they truly are appreciated in spite of appearances.

Then it doens't happen. No-one gave the children the memo that the deal was Mum would sacrifice herself and they would love and appreciate her. Partner doesn't care either. It's a nasty realisation for some people.

They haven't left, because they are in denial about how bad things are. They also tell themselves this is normal, and respondents on MN seem to give reason for that, saying it is ridiculous for a grown adult to expect presents on any day of the year, especially not a commercialised mothers day and especially not off their partner. It gives them reason to keep their bar low, and also results in ridiculous 'testing' behaviour like saying you don't want a card/present and then getting upset when you don't get one. And other passive-aggressive rubbish

As a rule of thumb, by the time things are bad enough to post on MN, you've gone beyiond the point where a present and card on mothers day would fix it. But lots of people don't realise that until the much-hoped-for card doesn't appear.

I hope this has fully explained, OP, and that you now have some understanding of those posts

I don't understand why a loving partner wouldn't want to facilitate Mother's Day on behalf of small children. How else do they learn? Same for Father's Day.

It's also really nice for the child themselves. DS was so proud to give me a card that he'd 'signed' (scribbled in) yesterday and the first thing he said when I came downstairs was 'mummy we got present for you!'. It was DH's birthday a few weeks ago and DS was bursting with excitement that 'he' had made his cake. It seems both weird and a bit joyless to me to say that he shouldn't be experiencing the pleasure of giving until he can do so entirely independently.

@ssd

It probably changed when card companies and retailers realised that by exploiting peoples feelings they could make more money. I don't remember it being a thing when I was young.

Well yes, this.

If you go into a card shop and there's MD cards from the bump, from the cat, from the dog, on your 1st MD, from the baby then people come to assume that these should be brought. As the baby and the pets are incapable it suggests the other adult in their life does it on their behalf.

MN can get snooty about someone "pretending" it's off the baby. It isn't. I don't think the kids went on Moonpig and I don't think they went on photobox. I think DH did it ON THEIR BEHALF because he knows they love me but are too young to source their own external proof of this.

DS made one at school thanking me for making his food. DH at least wrote that I'm cool and let them play in the snow.

It isn't an awful thing to make a point of saying you're doing a good job, the small things that can't do much without us are lucky to have you.

However the people who get most upset on here are the ones who think that as it's the only day their DP has an excuse to not be a total unappreciative dick, they should and generally aren't in a great place

@TheJerkStore

What about the mothers to young children that don't have mothers, isn't it nice to be thought of by their own Dp/children for being a mother? On a day that's important and you have no mother yourself in your life.

Excellent point. I lost my mum before I had children. My dh and DS made a fuss of me yesterday and it was lovely.
My friend also left me a bunch of daffodils and some chocolates on my doorstep because she knows I find it difficult at times.

Surely it's normal to want to make a fuss of those you love?

I lost my mum in childhood too. Mother's Day for me is just about my own kids - hence why DH makes an effort for me.

I appreciate the fact that DH has always taken both ds to get a card and a gift for me. They go secretly every year and they enjoy going as much I as enjoy the fact that they have all taken the time to think of me. I used to love the homemade cards and pasta necklaces that I have had in the past.

Just bought myself flowers whilst shopping. Left them on the dining table whilst I dust the mantelpiece. DH came in, tail between legs, and apologised for being a thoughtless twat. So that’s something. 🤷🏻‍♀️

My dad always sent my dm flowers and took us all out for lunch. As we got older he always encouraged us to ‘buy’ her a present of some sort too. He said that dm did a lot for us and we should show we appreciate her. He died 30 years ago. It really isn’t unusual, or particularly ‘modern’ for husbands to want to show appreciation for their wives on Mother’s Day.