To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

[LifeIsAnArt]

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

Unless it's an invitation for sex, I wouldn't dream of suggesting when another adult should go to bed.

Suffocating and controlling. It's midnight - not 3 am! A normal adult bedtime.

It's a bit weird to want to go to bed at the same time, yes.

Unless it's to be intimate YABU.

Can't you stay up later and bond together with whatever hes staying up for? I don't see why he has so go to bed with you to bond unless you're specifically talking about intimacy. I like it when my husband goes to bed at the same time as me but i certainly dont expect it. Sometimes after a busy day the last thing you want to do is go to bed when you are finally getting time to wind down. Then before you know it it's the next day and you're busy again.

You are being annoying and ridiculous. Adults get to decide for themselves what time they go to bed.

What is he doing at that hour?
My DH likes to game when I go to bed so he doesn’t disturb me.

Are you saying that he has to go to bed before he is at all tired? That you will stay up late, even though you are exhausted? Or wanting to meet in the middle?

I understand why you want it, but I don't think you can expect him to go to bed before he wants to, and I can see why he would be annoyed at the idea. It would be like being given a bed time.

I disagree with PP.
I’d be missing the intimacy of going to bed together, quick cuddle - if we went to bed at different times.
Nothing to do with sex

Sorry but that would drive me nuts and I wouldn't see it as endearing in the slightest.

Between work and lockdown its difficult for anyone to get any personal space right now. If that's something your DH needs then staying up late is probably the only way he can fulfil that need.

I understand why you would want to go to bed at the same time as him. I felt similar for a long time but at the end of the day of course you can't dictate when your partner goes to bed.

Asking what time they are coming to bed is normal? In 10 minutes I would stay awake an hour or so I wouldn't bother

YABU - can't all expect to spend our evenings like this...

Ugh. Like being told off by mummy. No thanks.

I don't think his reaction sounds good and he could have definitely engaged in a more adult conversation with you about this. I do think it is a bit unrealistic and unfair to expect him to have a bed time most nights though. Not everyone needs the same amount of sleep. What time would you like him to go to bed at? Are you offering to stay up later?

DH and I rarely go to bed at the same time. Partly due to our work schedules partly as he's an early bird and I'm not.

Neither of us would tell the other when you go to bed I'm regularly up til after 2am but your DHs reaction is completely OTT and ridiculous.

...

I would be pretty irritated if DP tried to tell me what time I need to go to bed.

Sorry siding with your hubbie on this one. But I am very happy to kick DP out of bed in the morning if it's his turn to do the baby regardless of what time he came up.

I would laugh my head off if my partner gave me a bedtime. And then I’d leave him if he were serious.

I presume you are an adult. Pick a ‘bonding time’ that fits in with both of you instead of trying to control your husband.

My DP goes to bed at 9.30/10 and the next hour is me time. Similarly he gets up at 5.30/6am and has his hour - we both relish the time alone and get very cranky if the other encroaches!

Is he using his alone time to message someone else, he is rather defensive.

Of course I maybe wrong 🙃

Anyway when I first started living with partner, I was in bed at 10, he was in bed at midnight or later. After a few weeks he wanted to come up with me and we always cuddle before sleep.

Tell him you like the intimatcy

Weird and controlling. You can't dictate when another adult goes to bed. Perhaps he's not tired, has things to do or just wants to relax on his own. I would find this insufferable. YABU.

Why does he have to go to bed at the same time as you rather than you staying up and going to bed when he is ready?

YABU. Very very U. I do think it's a bit controlling. Poor chap probably just wants some peace and silence to himself.

You’re controlling in trying to dictate when he goes to bed.

I’m an owl. I rarely go to bed by 1am, and stay up later at weekends. DP is a lark. He is in bed before 10 almost every night, and gets up at 5. Neither of us would ever dream of trying to control the other’s bedtime.