To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

[LifeIsAnArt]

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

@zurala

My husband and I do loads of things separately but we always go to bed at the same time unless one of us has gone out. I'm amazed how many people have separate bedtimes. Op, Yanbu

To be honest I'm also amazed at the response! Maybe we're the "old fashioned" ones for expecting similar bedtimes...

Same boat here, and I prefer to go to bed together but OH will stay up later and inevitably fall asleep on the sofa before coming to bed even later!
Solution: I bf in the night, then he gets up with the baby in the morning, as he clearly needs less overall sleep and then I can catch up on that hour or so from the night. Baby currently waking any time between 4am and 6.30am without resettling, so OH is now tired at the same time as me all day at 10pm

@Sauvignonblanket

You're probably right but now isn't the time to raise it. There's more drudge work and less fun right now, families are living on top of each other, and many people need space to be alone and recharge.

Probably. Though he still goes to work while I mostly work from home so he still has his space outside of home every day.

His behaviour and how defensive he's getting about it is quite odd though. He's massively overreacting. What does he get up to when you go to bed early?

I don't see it as an over reaction. It seems as though the OP has mentioned it to him several times, so it could just be annoyance that she's still trying to control when he goes to bed despite past conversations. Staying up later doesn't have to mean he's up to something, he could just be enjoying the peace and quiet.

Yabu, DH and I very rarely go to bed at the same time. I usually go up about midnight and he goes up about 9-9:30.
I like having that time to myself in the evenings, I usually watch tv or browse mumsnet, stick a load in the washing machine and make lunches for the next day.
I’d hate it if DH tried to police my bedtime.

YABU. Incredibly so, to suggest you get the say in when another adult goes to bed.

I have dire insomnia. I couldn't be with someone who wanted me to go to bed at the same time.

Is he losing his temper because you keep asking, or did he fly off the handle the first time you suggested it? Because that would really make a difference to the way I thought about this situation.

Been with DH for 25 years and I can’t remember when we last went to bed at the same time. I love going before hin, and often go at 9, sometime i go at 8, depending on circumstances.

Then im usually up at 6am. That is something he could never do.

Unless you are also his mother (in which case thats a whole other thread!) Then you have no right to dictate what time he goes to bed.

It's weird and controlling

I'd also find it controlling and suffocating if DH asked me to go to bed at the same time as him. I'm an adult and I decide when I want to go to bed Sometimes we do go to bed at similar times, but 90% of the time i'll go first.

I didn't think going to bed at the same time was a "thing" many people did. I'm guessing those who do are the same sort of people who also have joint Facebook accounts - for me it falls into the same bracket of weird, stifling behaviour.

This reminds me of an old thread where a controlling partner made his poor partner go to bed at the same time as him. He would say “shall we go to bed?” and she would dutifully trot off after him. He was very controlling and I found it chilling.

DH and I have been together for 25 years. We seem to have bonded well enough without shared bedtimes. However, I think our bond would be destroyed pretty quickly if he started to try and tell me what to do.

Op - you still haven't answered why he has to come at your time, rather than you at his?

Ahhh classic mumsnet

OP: Aibu?!

Majority: Yep!

Massive minority: No! Your husband is clearly a wanker!!

OP: Thank you! I knew I was right

@Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady
Lol, so true. My favourite is 'finally, a sensible poster'

There was a recent thread by a woman whose husband insisted she went to bed at the same time as him, the overwhelming response was it was not normal & was controlling. Upshot was, she left him - obviously lots more to it than that, but that was the start of it from what I remember.
I can't remember the exact details but always remember thinking Oh god love her.
Let him go to bed whatever time he wants, and if you stop nagging him about it you might even find he voluntarily does it.

We have separate rooms now, but we used to go to bed at the same time always. I’d hate to go to bed at different times because he’d wake me up. I get the intimacy caper though, we always have a cuddle before he goes to his room and always morning tea in bed.

I don't think you are being unreasonable wanting to go to bed together but I do think it's unreasonable that it's always on your schedule.

For me yabu. I like to go to bed early to read and that's the only time during the day dh gets to watch the programs he likes but I don't.
He never wakes me up getting into bed.

@NormanStangerson

This reminds me of an old thread where a controlling partner made his poor partner go to bed at the same time as him. He would say “shall we go to bed?” and she would dutifully trot off after him. He was very controlling and I found it chilling.

Was that the one who drew her a bath and ordered her into it? Yeah, that was warped.

Too right, Alexa.

I see bedtime as bonding time, having a chat, cuddle, etc.

This is very sweet and I get where you are coming from (I honestly do!!) but I feel you are romanticising this a bit. Of course this happens, when you are both in the mood but certainly not the norm IMO...I'm afraid YABU and expecting a a bit too much. The evening is there for everyone to wind down. Bedtime and sleep are such personal things even when you are a couple / married.

Yabu. We’re the opposite way so dh goes to bed at 8pm (watches tv) then is asleep by 9.30 whereas I don’t go to sleep until 11. I’d find it suffocating and controlling if he started demanding I went to sit in bed for 3hrs in the evening. Especially as that’s when I usually do a work out and housework etc.
If he wants to spend that time with me, he knows where to find me. So OP if you have an issue then rather expecting your dh to change his routine to suit you, change yours to suit him and stay up. Doesn’t sound as fun when you put the shoe on the other foot does it?

@hulloall

I like to go up to bed at the same as my partner too. It is a bonding thing, otherwise you see them for an hour or 2 after work & putting kids to bed and that's it. I love going up together. I don't think that's weird at all.

His behaviour and how defensive he's getting about it is quite odd though. He's massively overreacting. What does he get up to when you go to bed early?

To be clear I am not forcing him to go to bed same time as me every night! Hence why over the course of the last week most days we did not sleep at the same time, and the one or two days that we did, I did not make him, he did it out of his own accord. After he snapped at me last time, I never asked him when he was coming up to bed again.

What does he get up to? After the kids are in bed he tends to watch some TV, relax for a couple or hrs then do some more work. Or so I think.

I should have mentioned that in the past I discovered he was watching porn when I was up in bed asleep. When confronted he said it's because I never want sex. But that's another story, that belongs to the past hopefully.

Surprised at all the vitriol you’re getting on here OP - YANBU if you’re used to going to bed together and it’s suddenly changed. Cuddling up to DP, a nice bit of sleepy chat in the bed is the best part of my day. Although we do occasionally go to bed at different times id be sad if this was more than 2 days a week... because it’s how we work