To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

[LifeIsAnArt]

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

Also forgot to add - we do have sifflent schedules (Id normally be in bed by 10, DP midnight), we compromise and do 11

Yabu! Why are you doing this? He’s an adult. I’ve been happily married for 25 years. Sometimes we go to bed at the same time, most times not. I’m in bed now, DH is downstairs. I don’t get the issue.

@RonSwansonsChair

There was a recent thread by a woman whose husband insisted she went to bed at the same time as him, the overwhelming response was it was not normal & was controlling. Upshot was, she left him - obviously lots more to it than that, but that was the start of it from what I remember. I can't remember the exact details but always remember thinking Oh god love her. Let him go to bed whatever time he wants, and if you stop nagging him about it you might even find he voluntarily does it.

Yes! I mentioned this up thread. It was awful, wasn’t it?

@arethereanyleftatall

Op - you still haven't answered why he has to come at your time, rather than you at his?

Yes I have... we have young children and I'm still breastfeeding (including possible 6am feed) so find it difficult to sleep any laster than 11.30pm most days

Perhaps he likes some time alone at the end of the day?

My husband and I have a similar bedtime thing going on. I’ll go up between ten and eleven and will usually be asleep by the time he’s up about midnight. Like you I like to go to bed together some of the time, and one night a week we make the effort to do this as it’s nice. The rest of the time it’s kind of nice to just have time alone, for both of us, as that’s been at a real premium since covid! Maybe there’s a balance to be struck for you guys too.

Ok I'm intrigued - those couples that have entirely different schedules and hardly ever go to bed together: when do you find the time to be intimate? We have work + children during the day so hardly any time for each other.

But maybe he finds it difficult to fall asleep before 12?
Compromise is maybe the key here, and at the moment, there's none coming from your side. You want to go to bed at 11 and you want to bond. He wants to go to bed at 12 and go to sleep. Your solution is that you both go to bed at 11 and bond.

@dishydishemup

Can you get to sleep Ok OP when he is not there, or are you lying awake waiting for him to come up? That's what happens to me. DH is so clumsy when he comes up to bed, I can't get to sleep until he's actually in the bed and I can relax and know I'm not going to get wakened.

This is what happens to me. On the odd occasion I can sleep I'm then jolted awake. I feel like a genuine enquiry as to if he is wanting to go to bed soon should be fine.

“ Yes I have... we have young children and I'm still breastfeeding (including possible 6am feed) so find it difficult to sleep any laster than 11.30pm most days”

But just as you find it difficult to go to sleep later he finds it difficult to go to sleep earlier. You are not being unreasonable for wishing you were on the internet exact same schedule but YABU for expecting it to only be him to bend to your schedule in order to have nights when you go to bed at the same time. If you aren’t willing to stay up later so you can go to bed at the same time then you can hardly get upset at him not going earlier for you.

Yes I have... we have young children and I'm still breastfeeding (including possible 6am feed) so find it difficult to sleep any laster than 11.30pm most days

That's fair enough, but what if he can't sleep that early? Do you expect him to just lie there?

Honestly I think if you're the one who wants to go up together and he isn't bothered then you should be the one who puts herself out to do it and stay up later.

Its really controlling to keep asking another adult when they are going to bed and I'm not surprised he finds it irritating. I couldn't live like that, it would be suffocating.

I'd say YABU. I'm a night owl and DH is a lark. He gets up early for work (which is physical) so is tired by 10 pm, whereas I get up at 7.30 to get the secondary DCs ready for school. But he comes home and relaxes in the evenings while I am still cooking, clearing up, working (quite often) etc etc and may not sit down until 8 or 9 pm. He and the DCs go to bed around the same time and I then get a couple of hours of peace and quiet to read. I would hate to be told I can't have that wind down time?

He is a heavy sleeper and I don't disturb him if I come up later. But I do think he likes me to go to bed at the same time as him, just for a quick cuddle and because he thinks couples 'should' (because his parents did). But he has never complained and would get short shrift if he did....

YABU. You don't get to dictate someone else's sleep schedule. Why don't you stay up, if it's such a problem?

@lborgia

Is he losing his temper because you keep asking, or did he fly off the handle the first time you suggested it? Because that would really make a difference to the way I thought about this situation.

First time i asked if he was coming up to bed soon. He snapped. I was not nagging, it was a question.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. I asked if we could make more of an effort to go to bed around the same time, not every day, more days than before. He snapped again and said I was controlling and he was suffocating. I merely wanted to start a conversation.

As I mentioned, I get that people have different schedules. But I'm mainly hurt by the way he responded.

Dp and I don't live together but are in covid bubble. He comes up most weekends...I am an early riser and a light sleeper...I am also an insomniac so when I begin to feel tired I go to bed or I will go past the point I can sleep and it can take weeks to get back into a good sleep routine. He is a night owl, he likes to game or watch films that I have no interest in.

Intimacy is hard as I have dd permanently (not his) but he is far better in a morning for that than at night. So we tend to go back to bed after dd goes to her dad's if sex is the plan.

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask to go to bed together a couple of times a week. I would however be very suspicious of his reaction.

My husband is in bed by about 9.30, I go up about 11.30.
No way would I go at the same time as him, I’d be wide awake and pretty resentful if he insisted!
On the flip side I’d also never dream of insisting he wait for me to be ready and force himself to stay awake later than he wants to.

Just me that thinks it's normal to go to bed with your husband then? Sometimes he stays up later on a Friday night otherwise we go together.

It's part of being close, snuggling down together and falling asleep.

We are usually in bed together on average 6/7 hrs a night...longer sometimes at w/es... & things can go bump in the middle of the night. Plus, it doesn't always have to actually happen in bed at bedtime... you could spice it up a bit...

He just wants to unwind by himself at the end of the day. I totally relate to this.
I go to bed and read at about 10, sometimes for a short time, sometimes for an hour. Husband is downstairs looking at the tv or iPad to unwind. Sometimes we go to sleep at the same time but we’re not chatting before because we’re in going to sleep mode.

DH and I go to bed at the same time maybe once a week maximum. I have often worried thay there was something wrong with this as my parents usually went to bed at the same time. But reading this thread has really reassured me. I absolutely hate staying up late and love going to bed early. DH is a proper night owl and will stay up watching films/football/playing candy crush. I shall no longer worry that we are weird and doomed to fail due to our differing sleep needs!

Me and DP go to bed at different times, what’s the point of going to bed if your not tired? I feel like you should back off a bit. Your coming across a bit controlling.

Midnight isn't even that late. Why don't you change your bed time to suit him.

I had the same problem with my partner a couple of years ago, he totally snapped at me when I asked him to try coming to bed around the same time as me.
When I explained to him that I missed chatting in bed and cuddling, and that I find cuddling quite comforting and helps me relax he was very understanding and started coming to bed earlier with me more often than not ☺️
You might want to try this too

I assumed couples went to bed at the same time unless one of them out. I’d feel sad bunkering down by myself. Really surprised by this but each to their own obviously!