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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

524 replies

LifeIsAnArt · 13/03/2021 21:58

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

OP posts:
OloBo · 13/03/2021 23:05

Mine goes to bed later than me, especially at the weekends. I would love it if we went to bed at the same time as it’s lovely falling asleep together, but I’d never tell him he has to go to bed.

It does annoy me though. I do all the night wakings with our kids (lots!) and I’m exhausted. So when he chooses to stay up later than me at the weekend, it tells me he has no intention of getting up early and letting me get a lie in to compensate.

MyLittleOrangutan · 13/03/2021 23:07

We always go to bed together. But the time is a compromise and if one of us isn't tired they watch TV on their phone or read. Can't imagine going to bed alone, I don't see enough of my husband as it is

Charley50 · 13/03/2021 23:07

My DP nearly always goes to bed later than me, and I think it's affected our intimacy. It's nice to have a chitchat and cuddle and maybe sex a couple of nights a week.

So, YANBU OP

therocinante · 13/03/2021 23:07

@LifeIsAnArt

Ok I'm intrigued - those couples that have entirely different schedules and hardly ever go to bed together: when do you find the time to be intimate? We have work + children during the day so hardly any time for each other.
We don't have kids so none of our things might work for you. But we make time in the evening to spend time together - maybe for you it's post bedtime for the kids, but before either of you are tired? Some mornings we stay in bed longer together. Sometimes when we finish work we go and watch a film in bed together before we cook tea. When he's working nights, we take an hour when he comes in/when I've got up. Some weeks there's no time to just chill and be together, so we just have a snog and a quickie in the kitchen cooking breakfast/tea/before one of us goes out. Sometimes there no time for even that for 2 weeks when I'm working away and he's on nights, but we just make sure when we can carve out snatches of time when we can - we take days off or just have a cuddle and a spoon on the sofa.
RhubarbCustardy · 13/03/2021 23:08

Tbh I'd be pissed off if my husband asked me to go up the same time. Seems a bit controlling to me too.

SparkyLauz · 13/03/2021 23:09

YANBU I would feel exactly the same as you OP, I'm quite shocked as to how many people responded to this saying how controlling it is and that not many do actually go to bed at the same time as their partner.
DH and I have am unwritten rule that we go to bed together every night or at least within a half hour window as the intimacy/cuddles etc is part of our bonding due to being busy during the day. Even if I'm not tired I always go up when DH goes up and he may fall asleep well before me but I use the down time to relax and read my kindle usually

Jalfreziqueen · 13/03/2021 23:09

Aww I am with you. We go to bed together every single night. Mostly because we are both exhausted after working long days. But there are nights when I could stay up a little longer but choose to go with him for two reasons - we cuddle up and I fall asleep like this but also so I do not disturb him if I were to go to bed later. He has an extra early start, needs his sleep and I totally appreciate this. I do no think YABU

Pebbledashery · 13/03/2021 23:10

It is a bit suffocating..i can see his point of view. He's a grown adult and doesn't need his bed time policed! Perhaps he's extremely busy at work and doing life after work that he wants a bit of an evening to unwind.. That being said.. I do understand how you must feel going to bed alone every single night.. Could you perhaps reach a happy medium and say Tuesday and Sundays or whatever days... you have time together and go to bed at the same time? I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot.. He would be called controlling and suffocating if he governed your bedtime!

AlexaShutUp · 13/03/2021 23:11

It does annoy me though. I do all the night wakings with our kids (lots!) and I’m exhausted. So when he chooses to stay up later than me at the weekend, it tells me he has no intention of getting up early and letting me get a lie in to compensate.

I think that's fair enough, because he isn't pulling his weight with your dc, but the OP said above that her dh does do his fair share of getting up with their dc, so this is just about her preferences/expectations over bedtime. Unfortunately for the OP, they don't trump her DH's preferences/expectations.

theuncles · 13/03/2021 23:11

@LifeIsAnArt

Ok I'm intrigued - those couples that have entirely different schedules and hardly ever go to bed together: when do you find the time to be intimate? We have work + children during the day so hardly any time for each other.
Tricky during lockdown......Grin but we are lucky to have time at home when DCs are at school.

I'm sure some people prefer night time intimacy, and others mornings, but it depends on schedules etc. If you think your DC can hear that is such a turn off - I'd rather not DTD..... ! I'm sure we all have issues with that - and ways around it (kids clubs, visits to family, gaming with headphones..........Smile)

Going to bed at the same time is only a very small part/option of the planning needed for a decent relationship!

Looneytune253 · 13/03/2021 23:12

Can you not compromise and go to bed at his time then the next night he goes to bed at your time. Only if you both want to that could be a compromise. I must admit we tend to go to bed together

Bluntness100 · 13/03/2021 23:13

Yeah I’d hate this op. I’m a grown up and I go to bed when I’m tired. I’d be appalled if my husband started telling me I should go to bed at the same time as him, I’d tell him to do one.

You need to carve out a different time for chats and cuddles. Although I don’t quite see how you’d be doing that anyway at bedtime as you say you’re tired and need to go to sleep as you’re up early.

Anyway, make a different time for each other, but no you can’t give him a bed time. It’s hugely unreasonable. He’s not a child and you’re not his mother. and he’s not a prisoner and you’re not his jailer.

Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 13/03/2021 23:16

@AlexaShutUp

It does annoy me though. I do all the night wakings with our kids (lots!) and I’m exhausted. So when he chooses to stay up later than me at the weekend, it tells me he has no intention of getting up early and letting me get a lie in to compensate.

I think that's fair enough, because he isn't pulling his weight with your dc, but the OP said above that her dh does do his fair share of getting up with their dc, so this is just about her preferences/expectations over bedtime. Unfortunately for the OP, they don't trump her DH's preferences/expectations.

Must say I was a bit annoyed today as due to him staying up late last night he did take a 2.5 hr nap during the day today when it would've been nice to have some family time.
OP posts:
GalaxyGirl24 · 13/03/2021 23:17

I understand where OP is coming from. I like to go to bed at the same time as my partner and not just due to sex. It is very busy having young children/a young child and tbh, the bedtime cuddles and catch up is often the only uninterrupted time you might get so to me it is special. I would be upset if DH decided he wanted to stay downstairs until midnight A.) because we'd miss out on time together and B.) because I know he'd be knackered the next day and suffering anyway so seems daft

SchrodingersImmigrant · 13/03/2021 23:17

Why am I keen on going to bed around the same time? We've lost a lot of intimacy since having kids and I see bedtime as bonding time, having a chat, cuddle, etc.

You can do that on a sofa tbh. That's what evenings are for. I don't like to chat in a bed. It's for sleeping and naughty. We chat and so on in a living room.

Then he fucks off to snore in his own bedroom😂

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 13/03/2021 23:18

He got "defiant"? What is he 5?

What do you do after the kids are in bed? Don't you watch something together? Have a chat and cuddles on the sofa? Even sex if the mood strikes?

Why does it have to be in bed?

Charley50 · 13/03/2021 23:19

Re: nap. Yes this annoys me too as often DP will have a long lie-in at weekends cuz he's been up so late, when id rather us get up and do something together.

NoseinBook3 · 13/03/2021 23:22

Can’t you have a cuddle on the sofa before you go to bed? My husband often goes to sleep before me and that’s what we do

Greygreenblue · 13/03/2021 23:23

There is no way I could stay up every night as late as my DH does, similarly, he could not sleep as early as I do every night. Obviously though there is the odd night where one or the other of us goes to bed at a different time to usual and we end up in bed at same time.

I would not dream of telling him when to go to bed and him trying to tell me would be like a red flag to a bull. We are adults. It would not create any intimacy if one of us was there against their own will.

BettyBeStillNow · 13/03/2021 23:25

Dh and I go to bed at the same time. We use it as a time to chat together, share twitter stuff or MN, plan things and I didn't realise we were in a minority until I read this thread.

I don't see the OP as controlling, I think you need to be honest and say it would be nice if at least sometimes we went up to bed at the same time and tell him why.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 13/03/2021 23:29

Blimey. I thought it was totally normal to make the effort to go to bed at the same time as your spouse. I go later than I want a few times a week, he comes earlier and even earlier if a Shah is on the cards. Where is the intimacy in a relationship without a cuddle and a kiss before bed a few times a week??

But it's not 'a cuddle and a kiss before bedtime' - it's being given an appointment for a kiss and a cuddle before somebody else's bedtime and then having to lie awake quiet and waste maybe hours when you're not tired, that you could enjoying yourself with some TV watching, reading, hobby, whatever, or catching up on something boring you need to get done, which will then have to wait and eat into tomorrow's fun time instead.

Surely you can have a cuddle and a kiss together downstairs just before the one with the earlier bedtime retires?

However close you are as a couple, you're still different people with different needs and preferences. How would you feel if your DH urged you to eat a couple of huge steaks for your dinner - because that's what he wants/needs to eat and he insists that it's not good for intimacy when you 'refuse to make the effort' to eat much less than he sees as a 'proper' meal together? A man we know insists on having a family turkey for Christmas and gets offended if his wife suggests having a different meat as well - even though he knows she really doesn't like turkey, but is very happy for him to have some; he just sees it that she's not making the effort and doesn't really want to celebrate a 'proper' family Christmas together. He has a lot of controlling characteristics too.

To be honest, it just makes me think of a small child who refuses to (or simply can't) go to bed/sleep without you there, as they fervently fight actual tiredness whilst you're thinking of the long list of boring tasks that you need to be doing or just yearning to grab a bit of me-time. Or the little ones who love their kids' programmes so much that, not only do they want to watch the same ones again and again, but are insistent that you have to sit and watch with them - and get upset if you aren't manifestly enjoying it as much as they are.

Adults dictating other adults' bedtimes, though? Very weird indeed.

HopingForOurRainbowBaby · 13/03/2021 23:29

I know someone who's wife is like this. Even comes downstairs countless times and pops her head round the door saying 'have you seen the time' or constantly texts him to ask when he's going to bed. Half the time he can't even manage to finish off watching a tv programme or a film because of the incessant whining. I think the only times me and my exH ever went to bed at the same time was on the one day we finished work at the same time at 3am, maybe 12.30-1am on a bank holiday weekend or if we were on holiday. Other than that he worked nights so I'd often be in bed asleep. Sometimes I'd be up catching up in tv and he'd go to bed and I'd follow in later

diagold4u · 13/03/2021 23:31

I think at least a couple of times a week he should go up same time as you just to spend some time together and chat. Not seeing your husband all day properly and then not even at bedtime, will make one feel lonely.
It can be annoying to be told to come up to bed if he doesn't want to.
Do you both spend weekends together?
My husband and I tend to usually go bed together and just cuddle / chat, it's nice as it's the only time we won't be interrupted! Sometimes he'd want to stay down to continue watching something, and that's fine by me.
Since corona I've been going to bed very very late, i would hate it if he was dictating to me when I should go bed. Sometimes he'll text me asking for me to come up, and I would as it's not something he does everyday.
Now that school is open again, I've pretty much gone back to routine of going bed at the same time

hotclothbuns · 13/03/2021 23:32

Me and DH go to bed at the same time every single night. I didn't even think about it until I read this thread. Looking back I think there have only been a handful of times over the years that we have gone to bed at different times. I've never even thought about it, and like pp says I didn't realise we were in such a minority Hmm

BraveGoldie · 13/03/2021 23:32

I love going to bed at the same time as my partner, hopefully before either of us are knackered. If we do that, we almost always have sex and a nice intimate connection / chat.... then if we both drop off great.... we both get solid sleeps, are more likely to wake together, and do it all over again.

If one of us doesn't drop off, we just slip out and have our tv time after. 😁. We both do that regularly if one of us is tireder.

In the morning, if one of us is awake bright and early, then we head downstairs and do our thing. When the other wakes, we normally send a wee message and if the other is free/inclined , they'll come and rejoin for sex/intimacy time. Best of both worlds!

But I do sympathize OP- when our sleep gets too out of sync we lose closeness - not a big deal for a few days, but if it becomes a life habit it's not great.

I also think the 'nah - I'm not sleepy yet - you go on up' while I gaze at the tv thing can mask deeper relationship issues.... which does strike me as the case here, considering how he has exploded when you told him what you would like.

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