To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

[LifeIsAnArt]

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

I’m shocked by this thread, I never realised couples went to bed at the same time. Just didn’t know this was a ‘thing’ apart from in films or tv programmes.

For what it’s worth, I’ve been in my relationship for over 20 years, my parents have now been married 50 years and my grandparents were married for 70 years and 60 years. NONE of us went to bed at the same time as our partner, I know because I grew up with both sets of grandparents living with us at various times.

I’m a night owl and my husband is an early riser, also having DC those few hours late at night when everyone has gone to bed and I’m not being touched, or asked anything of, is some of my most precious time. It literally keeps me sane, especially in the past year. I’d be furious if my DH was trying to get me to give this up and I’d also be furious as it would feel like someone is trying to exert control over me.

You’re different people, I’m not surprised he’s pissed off. Also love people assuming he’s up to no good. Do a post about early mornings and you will get many, many posters claiming they love the quiet mornings all to themselves. Mainly to have a tea and some peace, not crack out the porn, or do they?!

@23PissOffAvenueWF now everything's sooooo much clearer - thanks for explaining

@MyGhastIsFlabbered well what don’t you get? That not all people do as you do?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable

Ask him to come up and watch some tv in bed with you before sleeping one night.

If he doesn’t, put him in another room.

I am shocked at the amount of people who sleep at different times, it’s weird....how can you remain sleeping through someone coming into bed beside you.

[quote hereyehearye]**@LifeIsAnArt* Thanks for the lecture, there was really no need to talk down at another adult like that though.*

What I wanted was communication, and it has to start somewhere, so I started with a question. How do you suppose I carry on after his retorts? Not sure who is the one that doesn't want to communicate here.

What lecture? Who is talking down to you?

You know what? I get it. You and your DH are so entrenched that you literally cannot see each other's side. You've been having this argument on and off for years. You are both resentful and unhappy.

On this thread, you are incredibly defensive and you have basically ignored or invented a reason to ignore every single counter argument to your position. Anyone who disagrees with you is talking down to you or mishearing you or misunderstanding you. You've ignored substantive points and basically you aren't interested in hearing anything except that you are right.

You aren't really willing to meet your DH half way. That's your right. If your marriage is over, it's over. I suggest you stop wasting his time and just get on with separation.

but when you look back on this, please don't kid yourself that you were actually trying.[/quote]
Your comments are aggressive, vicious and vile, and simply reflect negatively on the type of person you are. Reported.

All these people who have to go to bed at the same time or they’re awake all night. I hope age doesn’t affect your partners bladders .
Nothing weird about it at all. Just not what you do so it must be wrong...

YABU. I don't like it when h asks me what time I'm coming to bed. And if I go up early, I like to be in bed by myself for a bit.

@BaaMooCluckOink I don't understand why so many people are calling the OP controlling etc for wanting her partner to go to bed at the same time as her. I know that we're not all the same and that other people do things differently but a lot of people were asking why couples WANT to go to bed at the same time...I was merely expressing why I like going to bed at the same time as DP, and maybe a bit surprised the majority of people didn't share my view. I didn't expect to be patronised for expressing surprise.

Obviously I don't know what's going on with your DH, but if it's helpful I can share what would be going on with me if my partner asked me to go to bed at the same time as them more nights. I go later than DH, even when it would be better to go much much earlier (tiredness wise, I'm generally pretty exhausted - we also have small kids and busy jobs), because late at night is really the only open-ended time of the day when I'm not meeting someone else's needs or am likely to be asked to. When I need 'me time' (I hate that phrase...) it's getable, but it's always constrained by kids needing picking up at a certain time or DH needing to swap over childcare to get to a meeting or kids banging on the door or whatever. After everyone else is in bed is the only time when it's quiet, when I'm alone, and when I can properly relax, and for an introvert it's the most precious time of the day. So I would be snappy and annoyed if DH asked me to talk about going to bed earlier to (as I would see it) meet his needs for a chat/cuddle/intimacy at the expense of my own for alone time - not saying those things aren't important to me as well, they are, but there would be a big 'loss' to me in doing so that he wouldn't experience. I would feel like I was being asked to justify and defend a very basic need of mine.

Also, I'm well aware that going to bed late is a bad habit of mine (purely in terms of I'm really tired all the bloody time) so I would probably get a bit defensive about it if asked to change...

But I'm not your DH! If he's reacting that badly, suggests to me either you're underestimating how big an ask it is for him, or there's something else going on that's a bigger issue.

Good luck sorting it out.

I go to bed different time to my DH would hate for him to say this to be. He is an adult he should go to bed when he wants as long as he is not being to noisy when he comes to bed.

I actually think it's nice to go to bed at the same time. Allows my partner and I some time to feel connected, have a chat and a cuddle. We both enjoy doing it so we do. If he ever wanted to stay up I wouldn't have a problem with it, his body his choice but I would probably moan about missing that intimacy.

Depends what time you go to bed.

We go up together but I always watch tv, read or listen to a podcast at least an hour after he goes to sleep. He’s a morning person, I’m a night owl.

Telling an adult when to go to bed is a bit off.

I don't think you deserve any of the names you've been given in this thread ! couples do stuff together such as holidays,have meals,exercise...my opinion is your grandparents maybe set and example as did your parents ?people are often raised with expectations in a relationship there is nothing wrong with expressing how you want things. It doesn't make you controlling 😐 you are sharing your life with someone and the people who do most things alone in a relationship are the odd ones in my opinion

My OH and I go up to bed together probably 9 times out of 10 nights. The other one either one of us might stay up. But we both like to generally go to bed early, we chat, watch tv, enjoy just being together. My OH always falls asleep before me and I watch tv or read as I need that me time.

Neither of us would have an issue if either of us are out or one wants to stay up.

I actually think it's nice to go to bed at the same time. Allows my partner and I some time to feel connected, have a chat and a cuddle.

Genuinely confused by this. Why do you have to go to bed to do these things? We do them on the sofa when we are both up. Then we go to bed when we are tired rather than when someone else is. Do you not chat and cuddle anywhere other than bed?

With shifts and generally different sleeping patterns and habits I don't think we've ever gone to bed at the same time, or got up at the same time. Never gave it much thought until I saw this thread.

An and I always go to bed together. We are very similar though. Ex h never wanted to go to bed at the same time as me, then he would lie in bed whilst I got up with the dcs.

I'd have loved it if my exh had wanted to go to bed at the same time as me, which wasn't particularly early! But he'd always make a big deal of staying up later even if I didn't go up til the early hours. When he did come up he'd try to wake me up for conversation or sex. What's wrong with going to bed at the same time if you know you're going to want some kind of interaction with your partner?

'I actually think it's nice to go to bed at the same time. Allows my partner and I some time to feel connected, have a chat and a cuddle.

Genuinely confused by this. Why do you have to go to bed to do these things? We do them on the sofa when we are both up. Then we go to bed when we are tired rather than when someone else is. Do you not chat and cuddle anywhere other than bed?'

I know in my case we have tiny sofas so we can't fit comfortably on them and its hard to have a cuddle when teenage dds room is off our front room and she's in and out every five minutes going ugh stop cuddling 🤣

We love that time when we both go upstairs, stretch out in bed, cuddle and just talk uninterrupted about our day and grow tired together. Quite often leads ti sex. Sometimes I don't and I relax and watch my tablet etc but its the way we do it and it works for us.

Everyone is different. But to not understand why a lot of couples like having a nice cuddle in bed together uninterupted and relaxed, no TV and.no bloody teenagers wafting about is laughable

DH and I rarely go to bed at the same time. I stay up much later than him. Even in a happy marriage some people just need time alone to themselves. I know I do. I love my husband, but I love my time in silence to read too!

@MyGhastIsFlabbered I apologise. There’s been so many people talking like relationships must be hanging on by a thread if they don’t go to bed together and feigning surprise that anybody could possibly not do what they do like it’s wrong and so I read your post probably in a defensive manner.

“But it's such a bizarre thing to ask of somebody, unless you're a young child who needs to be comforted as they drift off to sleep.”

It isn’t bizarre at all. It’s what happens in healthy, loving relationships. You should try one.

Meeeoooow!!!

If you look back at the comments that I made in the right context, it's not at all about asking if they're coming to bed - it's about requesting them TO come to bed.

Suppose we were talking about, say, going into town to buy a few bits, it would be perfectly normal to ask your spouse "Are you coming as well?" - but if instead you said something to the effect of "Will you come with me, please - I don't like going on my own and I think that, if you care about me, you should come too, as we're a couple" - THAT is when it gets weird (for an adult).

a lot of people were asking why couples WANT to go to bed at the same time

Maybe I haven't been reading carefully enough, but that's not the impression I've had at all. Who is saying that, if both of you decide that you want to go to bed at the same time that that's any kind of problem?!

Do a post about early mornings and you will get many, many posters claiming they love the quiet mornings all to themselves. Mainly to have a tea and some peace, not crack out the porn, or do they?!

Agreed - it's one of those things where both preferences are equally valid, but, for some unintelligible reason, one option is considered widely virtuous and the other an utter disgrace.

I'm remembering the thread from a few months back about people who hold their cutlery in the opposite hands from the 'normal' way. So much vitriol and accusations of people acting like animals and contributing to the breakdown of society hurled at those with an equally valid (and equally uninteresting) method of living their lives!

@LifeIsAnArt

Your comments are aggressive, vicious and vile, and simply reflect negatively on the type of person you are. Reported.

No they aren't. Mumsnet is very good at deleting comments that break the talk standards but they haven't deleted mine because it didn't and it isn't. You just class anyone telling you things you don't want to hear as aggressive.

I can see now what you likely mean when you say your husband is snappy and overreacts. You mean he disagrees with you. He says things you don't want to hear. You've done it all over this thread. You just cannot accept any other opinion than yours.

Your husband is not you. He has the right to have another opinion.

[quote hereyehearye]@LifeIsAnArt

Your comments are aggressive, vicious and vile, and simply reflect negatively on the type of person you are. Reported.

No they aren't. Mumsnet is very good at deleting comments that break the talk standards but they haven't deleted mine because it didn't and it isn't. You just class anyone telling you things you don't want to hear as aggressive.

I can see now what you likely mean when you say your husband is snappy and overreacts. You mean he disagrees with you. He says things you don't want to hear. You've done it all over this thread. You just cannot accept any other opinion than yours.

Your husband is not you. He has the right to have another opinion.[/quote]
@hereyehearye

"You just class anyone telling you things you don't want to hear as aggressive."

Erm, no I don't. There are 500+ posts on this thread, many of which offered alternative points of view, and I didn't say that anyone was being aggressive except you. I wonder why? Because others are not being judgmental and making all sorts of assumptions about me based on this thread, maybe, or saying horrible things about my marriage being doomed to fail just because they don't like the fact that I have different preferences to them?

I'm not going to waste any more time with you because you're clearly here for the sole purpose of bringing others down, and to do that you must be a miserable person inside. How sorry I feel for people that have to put up with you IRL. Bye!