To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

[LifeIsAnArt]

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

You do not need to go to bed at the same time.

And that's all there is to it.

I dont mind either way . But i do have a friend who insists her dh goes to bed at rhe same time as her. If he says he is staying up later she says oh no you are not. She does this as belives its one of the basis of a good marriage.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

“But it's such a bizarre thing to ask of somebody, unless you're a young child who needs to be comforted as they drift off to sleep.”

It isn’t bizarre at all. It’s what happens in healthy, loving relationships. You should try one.

@MidsummersNightie

From some of the OPs comments I'm reading that the husband doesn't actually sleep in the same bed and that's what's more of a problem. A couple of times OP has referred to "sleeping together" which is different to going to bed at the same time.

I really didn't get the impression that they don't share a bed at all. What posts made you think that?

DH will sometimes say something about my bedtime but only in a concerned way eg if I have work the next day but neither of us specifically tells the other what time to go to bed. I tend to go later than DH as he gets tired from cycling. We do go at the same time sometimes & that’s nice

I do agree that your DH could have been a little kinder in his reaction

Just rtft..

Judging by his OTT reaction it sounds to me like he’s up to something when you’re in bed. Could be porn, could be someone else, could just be gaming and wanking. Or, it be that you’ve rejected his advances so much that he’s had enough of trying.

You both sound a bit immature and lacking in half decent communication skills. The arguing, shouting and then stone-walling is just a recipe for years of misery.. Long term you will both be unfulfilled if you don’t make changes in approach.

People aren’t mind-readers, no point wasting years getting the arse because you didn’t get your needs met, because you both whined and argued the toss over who said/did xyz..

Organise a time to discuss things and try some counselling to help with communications..

This was one instance that made me think it was more about sleeping apart.

Think the sleeping apart started then and became routine

And this

I'd like it if we could sleep together more days than not

And this

And the not sleeping together pulled us further apart

There are more, but copy and pasting is tricky at the mo.

We never go to bed at the same time. Our very happy routine is to eat at around 9 usually while watching an episode of something are enjoying together on tv. then I go up to bed at half tennish and do a bit of my Duo (trying to learn Spanish) then read a chapter or two of my book before lights off just before midnight. He then enjoys watching his sort of tv then comes up to bed about 1 to half 1 I think. I am usually fast asleep. We have been married for 35 years. Having our own time is vital.

Unless by not sleeping together, OP means not going to bed at the same time. Funny way to phrase it though.

I do actually think seperate bedtimes as a habit can have very detrimental effects on your intimacy, I certainly find that with my partner. However, at the same time, I think it's harder to go to bed earlier than you would like to than later than you would like to, as if I'm not tired I'll end up falling asleep much later as the restlessness will kick in. I'd struggle to get to sleep if I wasn't ready.

If there weren't wider issues I would be suggesting you taking the larger compromise and endeavouring to stay up a bit later. But I do think his reaction was pretty unpleasant and seems in keeping with a wider issue of him being unpleasant, so I would be considering whether he is worth it, instead.

Haven't rtft but have read a fair bit.

I don't think yabu. His reaction was a bit OTT.

Me and dp nine times out of ten will go to bed at the same time. I like the intimacy, as does he and it just feels nice to fall asleep together (and usually we'll have sex unless either of us is totally knackered). Its only occasionally we'll go at different times and that will only be if one of us is really tired or one of us has a very early start the next day.

My exh on the other hand, I would nearly always go to bed first as he was never tired, at what I considered a normal time of bewteen 11 and midnight weekdays. He would roll into bed around 1 or 2am most nights. Then moan we never have enough sex. or wonder why I didn't want it having just been woken at 2am It definitely affected the intimacy of our relationship.

It's a bit weird. I am asleep within 2 minutes of going to bed so it makes no difference whether other half is there or not. There's certainly no "bonding" going on.

@MidsummersNightie

Unless by not sleeping together, OP means not going to bed at the same time. Funny way to phrase it though.

That's what I assumed she meant, surely if they didn't sleep in the same bed the time that he went to bed would mean nothing?

I'm the late one to bed in my relationship. I really enjoy the hour or so I get on my own once everyone has gone to bed, it's the time I get for 'me' and I can watch what I want on the telly.

I'd not be happy if my dh suggested I went to bed at the same time as him.

OP, why do you expect him to change his bedtime routine, why don't you change yours and go to bed at the same time as him? An extra hour up isn't going to kill you a few times a week. Especially as you think it's ok for him to do the same for you.

And to answer your question, we have 'our' time in a Saturday and Sunday morning

I don't get all the YABU responses here. When DP and I go to bed we have a chat and a cuddle before we go to sleep. Nothing to do with sex, though that obviously happens sometimes.

Myself and DH nearly always go to bed at different times. He needs very little sleep so usually doesn't come to bed till the early hours. To be honest I prefer it as on the odd occasion that he says he's tired and comes up at the same time as me I struggle to get to sleep as he snores loudly. He does however often come upstairs and say goodnight to me/cuddle/chat before going back down. Op maybe you could suggest something like that rather than trying to dictate when he goes to bed.

Me and my dh always used to go to bed together, then we didn't, then we did etc. Its just phases for us. I quite like going to be alone so I can settle down and read a book or watch a film. The only time it really caused arguments was when he started complaining about the lack of intimacy so I pointed out that if he wished to join me at a sensible time I might be more willing. I've never asked him or told him when to go to bed though.
I totally get it though, I do like it when he comes to bed with me and we can both snuggle down and watch something together. Its nice to fall asleep together.

@LifeIsAnArt Thanks for the lecture, there was really no need to talk down at another adult like that though.

What I wanted was communication, and it has to start somewhere, so I started with a question. How do you suppose I carry on after his retorts? Not sure who is the one that doesn't want to communicate here.

What lecture? Who is talking down to you?

You know what? I get it. You and your DH are so entrenched that you literally cannot see each other's side. You've been having this argument on and off for years. You are both resentful and unhappy.

On this thread, you are incredibly defensive and you have basically ignored or invented a reason to ignore every single counter argument to your position. Anyone who disagrees with you is talking down to you or mishearing you or misunderstanding you. You've ignored substantive points and basically you aren't interested in hearing anything except that you are right.

You aren't really willing to meet your DH half way. That's your right. If your marriage is over, it's over. I suggest you stop wasting his time and just get on with separation.

but when you look back on this, please don't kid yourself that you were actually trying.

@MyGhastIsFlabbered

I don't get all the YABU responses here. When DP and I go to bed we have a chat and a cuddle before we go to sleep. Nothing to do with sex, though that obviously happens sometimes.

It’s not that difficult to understand.

If both parties want to bed at the same time, no issue.

On the other hand, if they have different body clocks (or demands on them during the night, e.g. breastfeeding) and aren’t ready for bed at the same time - somewhat more of an issue.

Nasty comment @Chailatteplease how do you the idea yours is a superior relationship to @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll Half an hour together at night doesn’t make or break a relationship.

I ask my husband this some nights because I’m a light sleeper. If I’m really tired and he’s still up I’ll ask him if he’s going to be up say in a half hour. If yes, fine, I read until he comes up. If no, fine I sleep in another room. So if it’s for something like that yanbu. But if it’s just to fall asleep together and/or you could sleep through him getting into bed later than yabu.