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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

524 replies

LifeIsAnArt · 13/03/2021 21:58

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

OP posts:

imalmostthere · 13/03/2021 22:14

God I love it when my DH comes to bed later than me! I sleep so much better if I'm asleep before he comes up. That way I bypass the snoring and constant moving around!
Unless it's a hint for sex, I have no idea why you've taken it so badly. He probably feels like he's being nagged. You cannot police his bedtime.

SoSaidTheLlama · 13/03/2021 22:15

Endearing is the last word I'd use to describe someone trying to control when I go to bed.

480Widdio · 13/03/2021 22:15

You are being unreasonable,he is an adult and can go to bed at whatever time he chooses.

Not at all surprised he snapped at you,it must be irritating to have you keep asking this every night.

Unreasonabubble · 13/03/2021 22:15

I never went to bed at the same time as my husband. If I did (at 7pm) he would have wanted sex and that would have been the last thing on my mind (I lie - I would have felt disgusted, used and abused).

At 7pm I would still have been washing up after cooking dinner, preparing lunch boxes for everyone for the next day. And besides, I always used to feel that I NEEDED time for myself

Turnedouttoes · 13/03/2021 22:15

Why does it matter? Unless you’re going to bed to have sex, surely you’ll just fall asleep anyway.

My DP often stays up later than me, simply because I need more sleep than he does. If he came to bed when I do he’d just lay there awake or play on his phone. Instead I go to bed around 11 and he connects the TV to his airpods and watches football/boxing/snooker/tennis/golf or some other sport I have no interest in.

imalmostthere · 13/03/2021 22:15

@Outbutnotoutout

Is he using his alone time to message someone else, he is rather defensive.

Of course I maybe wrong 🙃

Anyway when I first started living with partner, I was in bed at 10, he was in bed at midnight or later. After a few weeks he wanted to come up with me and we always cuddle before sleep.

Tell him you like the intimatcy

Fgs why would you jump to that conclusion? 🙄

DavidsSchitt · 13/03/2021 22:16

"I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling."

Endearing? It's the exact opposite of that.

Fortunefavours1 · 13/03/2021 22:16

I agree with @Bonheurdupasse.

Where's the intimacy and closeness?

Also, ex never coming to bed at the same time as me was the beginning of the end of our marriage. It became so I didn't want him next to me in bed and it stopped me falling asleep with him there. I then began to resent that he'd only bother to come to bed with me when he wanted sex.

APurpleSquirrel · 13/03/2021 22:16

DH & I go to bed a different times as I need more sleep than him.
YANBU to want time for bonding but YABU to dictate when that is.
Is this a long-standing thing? I'd find it incredibly irritating as an adult to be asked what time I'm going to bed each night.

Easterbunnygettingready · 13/03/2021 22:16

For over 8 years me and dh have gone at the same time every night... Around 10 pm. Catch up on the day, maybe a TV show, maybe sex, just feels like togetherness for our relationship.. Obviously isn't for everyone as is apparent on this thread!

TheSoapyFrog · 13/03/2021 22:16

YABU. If he's not tired what do you expect him to do? Lay there in the dark wide awake and watch you sleep?

Titterofwit · 13/03/2021 22:17

I would hate it if anyone suggested that it was time I went to bed . I can decide for myself thanks.
You might want t consider why you are making these demands . if its because you want more intimacy tell him .If you just want him where you can see him that another story.

Rewis · 13/03/2021 22:17

Can you stay awake later so you can go bed at the same time?
Personally, I like going to bed together and sometimes I prefers to have a few moments on my own. But I don't want to insist my bf to come to bed when I want him to.

However, his reaction seems quite strong. How did you approach the subject? Cause if it was "if like to go to bed together few nights a week" and then that was the reaction then that's quite bad. But if there is a backstory...

AaronPurr · 13/03/2021 22:17

@Sirzy

Why does he have to go to bed at the same time as you rather than you staying up and going to bed when he is ready?

This is what I was going to ask.

Bananaman123 · 13/03/2021 22:18

God i wish i could go to bed when i want, my partner insists on us going at same time meani g im normally up later than i want to be. If i do try to go early it ends up in a huff. Only time i do is when im ill. He cant explain why he wants us to go at same time, we each put in ear phones znd listen to our tablets so no bonding

NerrSnerr · 13/03/2021 22:18

If you want to go to bed the same time as him can you wait until he goes to bed? I usually go to bed at different times to my husband as u
I need more sleep than him.

Mother40 · 13/03/2021 22:19

I don't think yabu at all op. I have this problem with my dh and have throughout.our.relationship. We have had lots of arguments about it over the years. I wish he would go to bed at.midnight though, as he usually does not go to bed until 1 or 2 am. I feel.like it has really.affected our relationship, and it means he.then sleeps late in the morning which was especially annoying when the children were smaller. Also, he moans we don't have sex enough, but I think this has affected our.sex.life a lot as after sex at.night he would then not be.coming to bed.

willibald · 13/03/2021 22:19

YABVU. Controlling.

NerrSnerr · 13/03/2021 22:19

@Bananaman123

This isn't normal. No adult so insist that another adult goes to bed at a certain time.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/03/2021 22:19

It's not clear from your post - by 'go to bed at the same time' are you meaning 'he has to come to bed when I want to go to bed'.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 13/03/2021 22:19

Wanting to go to sleep at the same time is maybe unreasonable.

Wanting a cuddle and a chat or intimacy or whatever is not unreasonable. If me and my husband are going to bed at different times the one who is staying up later will come up for a bit and then go and do our own thing.

Calling you controlling if you are just missing spending time with him and asked him nicely without demanding or moaning, is also unreasonable

digthroughtheditches · 13/03/2021 22:20

Crikey not for me thanks. My partner snores like a bear, I like to be tucked up and fast asleep before his arrival
Horses for courses though, is he tired when you go up though? Mine would just lie there huffing he's not tired?

Nutrigrainygoodness · 13/03/2021 22:22

We very rarely go to bed at the same time.
I ask DW every night if she's coming to bed, sometimes she says yes, most times it's no I'm playing X game with X tonight, I won't be too late.
I don't make a big deal out of it. Would I like her to come to bed with me more? Yes, probably, but she also needs to do her own thing and chill out after work without me or dd.

MiddlesexGirl · 13/03/2021 22:23

If you want that bit of togetherness before bed why don't you say goodnight before you go up with a bit of a kiss and a cuddle?

dishydishemup · 13/03/2021 22:24

Can you get to sleep Ok OP when he is not there, or are you lying awake waiting for him to come up? That's what happens to me. DH is so clumsy when he comes up to bed, I can't get to sleep until he's actually in the bed and I can relax and know I'm not going to get wakened.

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