To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

[LifeIsAnArt]

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

I mean it depends on when you go to bed I guess.

If it's 9 pm and you clean your teeth, get into your nightie, roll over and go to sleep I can see why he's saying no.

If it's 11 and you want to have a chat and a cuddle i think you can compromise and you stay a little and him a little earlier

It is annoying when he stomps in and doesn't try to get in bed gently so as not to wake me but yeah, can't give an adult a bed time. I'm considering seperate duvets and mattresses to help solve the issue.

I understand where you're coming from OP. I go to bed at the same time as my DH. We live very independent lives, so it's an opportunity to wind down and snuggle up together. Sometimes we have a chat before bed etc. It's nice.

Nevertheless, I've always said to DH that I wouldn't mind if he wanted to stay up later gaming or whatever. I would miss him though.

I'm usually in bed earlier as I tend to just get more tired in the evening. DS is 12m and I'm still breastfeeding which probably plays a part in tiring me out.

For the record, I don't go to bed that early, around 11-11.30pm most nights and get woken up by the baby around 6am, so sleeping late would just make me really tired and sleepy the next day. Not to mention we often get woken up in the night by the baby.

YABVU to tell him when to go to bed. He's an adult.

If it's that important to you that you go to bed at the same time, can't you just stay up until he's ready to sleep? Why demand that he should sleep when he isn't ready?

I couldn't deal with that level of control, I'm afraid.

YABU. DH and I do go to bed at the same time, but we would both have chosen those bedtimes anyway. We're night owls and only need a few hours to be up early. If he went to bed before midnight there's no way I'd be joining.

I've had relationships before with men who sleep earlier than me. If I'd have gone to bed at the same time, I'd have been lying there going crazy for hours or keeping them awake by sitting with the light on and reading.

If you turn it around- why can't you stay up until he goes to bed? I don't really think that you should need to go to bed at the same time- different people spend different amounts of time in bed.

I do understand where you're coming from! I usually go to bed around 11/12, DH comes up at 1ish, but at least twice a week falls asleep on the sofa and comes in any time from 2-6am. I've become such a light sleeper after having DS that I wake up when he comes in, every time. I hate that I can't ever have just one night of undisturbed, solid sleep. It drives me mad.

Who gets up with the baby?

I don’t think it’s necessarily unreasonable to want to go to bed at the same time more often, but it seems like you expect it to be him changing and going to sleep when you want to. You could stay up with him and that way you would both be going to bed at the same time. I’m not saying you have to do this all the time but if you should be willing to do the same thing you expect from him.

Me and my partner hardly ever go to bed at the same time, he's a night owl snd I'm not so I'll be in bed at 10 pm but he's still wide awake. I can't make him go to bed then as he's simply not tired. I think this is quite common for couples to do x

I think he should be allowed to sleep whenever he wants, but he should do his fair share of night wakings and getting up with the baby.

YABU. Either stay up until he goes to bed, or go to bed at separate times. Why should you get to choose when another adult goes to bed?

I thought everyone always went to bed together, clearly I'm naive! 🤣 Me and my partner have gone to bed at the same time for the last ten years.

Blimey. I thought it was totally normal to make the effort to go to bed at the same time as your spouse. I go later than I want a few times a week, he comes earlier and even earlier if a Shah is on the cards. Where is the intimacy in a relationship without a cuddle and a kiss before bed a few times a week??

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's nice to go to bed together every now and then. It's hard when you have different sleeping patterns, I feel the same as you and also have a youngish baby. I got upset at DH the other day (unplanned, just sort of spily out) because I was sad forever going to bed on my own.

I thought everyone always went to bed together, clearly I'm naive! 🤣 Me and my partner have gone to bed at the same time for the last ten years.

What happens if one of you is tired and the other isn't?

My husband and I do loads of things separately but we always go to bed at the same time unless one of us has gone out. I'm amazed how many people have separate bedtimes.
Op, Yanbu

I don’t think me and DH have ever gone to bed at the same time I always stay up late and he goes to bed hours before I do it’s just the way we are and he has never wanted me to go to bed with him I like to have my time to myself at night to do what I want and he has his time to himself in the morning when I’m asleep it works perfectly for us because I’m a night owl and he is a morning person we always make time for each during the day I’m sure things will change when we have children but at the minute it’s just us two. I would hate it if my DH tried to tell me when to go to bed.

@ReverendRicketyCricket

YABU. Very very U. I do think it's a bit controlling. Poor chap probably just wants some peace and silence to himself.

This^. Unless it's an invitation for sex. If it is, you should make it clear.

You're probably right but now isn't the time to raise it. There's more drudge work and less fun right now, families are living on top of each other, and many people need space to be alone and recharge.

@AlexaShutUp

Who gets up with the baby?

Used to be me when baby was little, but he's been doing his fair share the last couple of months so I shan't complain on that front.

Why am I keen on going to bed around the same time? We've lost a lot of intimacy since having kids and I see bedtime as bonding time, having a chat, cuddle, etc.

Well me and Husband have seperate bedrooms, so what you're saying doesn't make any sense to me.

Adults should be allowed to choose their own bedtimes without strops OP.

I like to go up to bed at the same as my partner too. It is a bonding thing, otherwise you see them for an hour or 2 after work & putting kids to bed and that's it. I love going up together. I don't think that's weird at all.

His behaviour and how defensive he's getting about it is quite odd though. He's massively overreacting. What does he get up to when you go to bed early?

Like other posters, I need time to myself & often I am the one going to bed later. I'd be irritated if I was told that I should want to go to bed at the same time as DP. I think YABU. It sounds a little insecure to me rather than controlling though.