I don't enjoy sex and never have, and the only time it's been worth it was when I was TTC

[AdmirableMacaroon]

Firstly I hope this isn't too explicit to be posted outside the sex forum. Obviously it is then move or delete as appropriate. I have never particularly enjoyed sex. So it's clear, I'm referring to intercourse specifically. There are a few contributing factors to why I feel the way I do about it. I feel that the act itself very heavily favours the man's pleasure over the woman's. While the man is basically guaranteed to orgasm from it, I personally never have or even been close to orgasming from sex. I've had a fair bit of experience with different partners and it's been more or less the same each time. It doesn't do very much for me physically, at all. I've only ever orgasmed on my own. I'm not a prude and I consider my sex drive to be average.

When I reflect on my own sexual history, I honestly feel that the only time it's felt worth it was when I was trying to conceive. I've got 3 older DCs and I'm sadly too old to have any more. I'm mid-40s now and single. I don't think I would be especially fussed if I never had sex again. I find the whole thing to be a chore honestly. Am I an outlier? I've always assumed that I am and that most people enjoy sex tremendously.

@Adlaide

Or maybe there are just a whole lot of women out there that just meant to be with other women!

I did wonder that so have had plenty of experiences (i was honest with my partners that I didn't think I was a lesbian) but all the same.

And for pp, I don't want to take testosterone, I don't need fixing.

Is now wondering if I have high testosterone levels 🤔. Always thought of myself as a bit of a bloke when it comes to sex 🤣.

@ Batinhernightdress I have to say I am envious!!

One of my best friends and I do joke though that one day we're just going to run away to a lovely island, just me, her and a select few other women

I can so relate to this. I think it's because (without realising it at the time) it was all about my performance and I never gave much thought to what I actually liked. Then I hit meno and the thought of sex (even masturbation) doesn't appeal at all. I did used to enjoy sex at the beginning of a relationship when it's all new and exciting (a bit of strange ) but eventually always felt like another chore.

Thankfully I'm single, so no maintenance shags (I found them soul destroying, couldn't do it sober) Sometimes it occurs to me that I'll never clap eyes on another penis, but not exactly a loss, is it

@RosemarysCat

On the above note, does anyone else not have children, not want to reproduce, and never wanted children?

If so how do you feel about it?

I've never wanted children, so didn't have any. But I like sex and have done since I had my first orgasm, at 17.

Since losing my DP last year, I miss it terribly. I'm 65, and can't help but think I'll probably never have sex again, which is really upsetting.

I do it just for DP these days. I'd happily never do it again. Since going through menopause it hurts.

I felt the way you did before I came out OP and now I can't get enough of it. (not assuming you're gay of course but just that it definitely can be wrong partner) but then again, many people are asexual or on a spectrum of asexuality!

I didn’t have an orgasm till I met my partner in my 40’s. My exhusband, father of my kids, did not hit the spot I suppose (literally and figuratively).

With my partner of 13 years I always orgasmed multiple times, through various means. I absolutely do feel penetrative sex, enjoy it a lot, orgasm with it.

We broke up a couple of years ago and I miss sex with him but don’t feel attracted to men (or women) in general. I wish I did, but I just miss sex with him. He was amazing, or we were together. It was like I imagine being very high must feel like.

You can have a sex drive and not enjoy the act of sex. I know what you mean, I often find myself think oh god just hurry up, even if it starts off well. My DH tries, he just gets it so wrong and honestly takes no notice of any guidance gentle or more assertive. I've found a lot of men like this, although there are some good ones out there who do care about pleasuring their partner. The problem is most men think they do this anyway

@RosemarysCat. I don't have children, I can honestly say I have never ever wanted them. Perhaps I just don't have the mothering gene. It's something I have never regretted. I do actually like children though.

Amazing the things people will honestly admit to in an anonymous forum. Not liking sex is the taboo of all taboos.

Who cares if it is normal or not. If you and DP are both happy with your situation, then that is all really that matters. If your DP is not happy with this, then it likely is (or will be) a very significant relationship problem (unless you are take pride in doing your chores well!).

The outlier concept is interesting too. Another discussion here for those who NEVER has an orgasm (I mean never, in their whole life). I'd never heard of that, but it shows the variation in the world.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4171327-To-Have-Never-Orgasmed

I think there is a truth for a lot of women that is kind of side-stepped or ignored by the wave of "sex-positive" sex-promoting messages about female sexuality and enjoyment, female orgasms etc.

I think the truth is that, for many women* - regardless of good/bad lovers, orgasm or not, sex desire and pleasure ('payoff') is just not as high, compared to the effort/cost.
*NAWALT obviously

In the past that was used as an excuse not to bother, and sometimes even seen as a virtue "lie back and think of England". Which is why I completely understand the pushback about women being sexual beings, 'just as sexual as men', etc. I think that some are, but a good sizeable percentage certainly aren't.

I think there's an interesting discussion to be had about it if it wasn't often met with a measure of insult/offence - "YOU might be like that, but I love sex! What's wrong with you?! You must be doing it wrong." (not digging at any one person - pointing to society's general attitude).

I think 'social payoff' is part of it for men, a feeling of victory or accomplishment (notches on a bedpost, trophy items), whereas for many women there is often a bit more shaming involved (is there even a male equivalent for the word slut that is anywhere near as seethingly used? Never mind the more hateful terms like 'cum-dumpster')

Physical discomfort/risk usually leans more heavily to the female too - childbirth injuries, accidental injury (if partner is large/heavy, etc), female urinary issues, periods, fear of pregnancy...

Lots of reasons... I could go on and on, but I'll stop now!

Good post @PatriciaBateman

I;d consider "sex positive" a positive...but not having in interest in sex can also be a result of psychological issues, e.g., oppressive religious upbringing, sexual abuse/rape, etc.

This is a great thread and comforting to read posts from both perspectives.

My question though is this - an earlier poster wrote that they haven't really liked sex at all during their relationship and only did it with any frequency when they were trying to conceive. What then is the reasonable expectation in terms of continuing the relationship if the other person does still like sex and sees it as a way to connect?

There are so many threads on Mumsnet where a woman says her husband no longer want sex with her - and a chorus of Mumsnetters say "leave him, it won't change, you deserve better"

Is every person on this thread, who says "I don't want sex and would rather do anything else now" happy to let their long term relationship go if they're in one? Because if they're literally following the MN advice on other posts, they are unfairly restricting their partner and "it won't change".

I can only answer for myself Ginuwine , but of course I expect my DH to pursue his own happiness/contentment however he wants to - up to and including the ending of the relationship. I also have the same privilege.

But it hasn't been necessary thus far because I compromise a lot (as many other partners do), and have a lot more physical intimacy than I would choose to have under my own steam.

I find it a chore, but don't resent it because I do actually like my husband and want him to be happy - same way I take the children to the playground and sit on the bench for a boring, cold hour - but still enjoy it because of how happy they are.

I tend to kind of ignore the sex-part and put all my focus into expressing genuine affection (stroking, cuddling, etc), so he is not having an uninterested partner, and so I remember why I am doing it at all... it's a different sort of pleasure.

He self-sacrifices for me in other things, and so I can remain warm/affectionate about it all. I imagine if that were missing I would become cold and resentful pretty quickly, and wouldn't be able to keep it up. His response to that would be his prerogative.

Ginuwine as above its compromise. Whilst I would never have sex again I understand that my partner would be unfulfilled without it. I do equate it in my head as a chore, I don't enjoy cleaning the bathroom but it needs to be done, sex is the same. I wouldn't be willing to participate if my partner didn't also do stuff he didn't like for my pleasure. I love art museums, I know he doesn't in fact I think he actively dislikes them, but he attends with me and reads up on previews/gallery openings etc. I know some people on MN don't think sex can be an exchange like this but it works for me.
Again, there is nothing in my background that would make me dislike sex, I just don't, just like I don't like marmite.

I certainly don’t have the same sex drive as when I was in my 20’s and I’m not as bothered by men finding me sexually attractive

Non of my friends have. There has always been references to women having sex to keep their partner happy. I don’t think women in the past enjoyed sexually less but get to a certain age and it just isn’t as important (for many that’s probably mid 40’s can’t be a coincidence it’s also when fertility has dropped)

YANBU, lots of women feel that way; I often do.

Sadly I do think too many of us haven’t had the luxury of good sex with a man who really knows what he’s doing. Alas.

I took cerazette for years and it killed my libido. Now I’m just so tired as we have a toddler.

DH and I don’t do it often and I don’t really miss it.

Nobody should ever have sex if they don’t want to either; you don’t owe anyone your body.

Used to get massively turned on, enjoy sex, but still PIV never resulted in an orgasm for me.

Same. I think that's pretty much the norm for most women.

I loved sex in my twenties. Really loved it. I had a very high sex drive and thought about it a LOT. However, I now think it was less about the actual sex and more about the excitement and the buildup of tension etc. when seeing someone new/having a ONS. Sex in a LTR just doesn't have the same effect. My DH is actually very good at it and not selfish at all, but I just can't be arsed since having DC and have to force myself or get drunk as otherwise I'd literally never do it. I think monogamy just doesn't suit me in that regard. I'm hopeful it might get a bit better when my DC are older but it's probably unlikely as then I'll probably be going through menopause or be worried they'll hear us etc.