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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't enjoy sex and never have, and the only time it's been worth it was when I was TTC

196 replies

AdmirableMacaroon · 12/03/2021 17:11

Firstly I hope this isn't too explicit to be posted outside the sex forum. Obviously it is then move or delete as appropriate. I have never particularly enjoyed sex. So it's clear, I'm referring to intercourse specifically. There are a few contributing factors to why I feel the way I do about it. I feel that the act itself very heavily favours the man's pleasure over the woman's. While the man is basically guaranteed to orgasm from it, I personally never have or even been close to orgasming from sex. I've had a fair bit of experience with different partners and it's been more or less the same each time. It doesn't do very much for me physically, at all. I've only ever orgasmed on my own. I'm not a prude and I consider my sex drive to be average.

When I reflect on my own sexual history, I honestly feel that the only time it's felt worth it was when I was trying to conceive. I've got 3 older DCs and I'm sadly too old to have any more. I'm mid-40s now and single. I don't think I would be especially fussed if I never had sex again. I find the whole thing to be a chore honestly. Am I an outlier? I've always assumed that I am and that most people enjoy sex tremendously.

OP posts:

honeylulu · 13/03/2021 11:12

I think your partners must have been rubbish and very selfish.

In my current relationship I can orgasm from PIV (and its now my favourite way, especially if we both orgasm at the same time) though when it first happened I was rather surprised. Before that partners had always made me orgasm orally or manually. Maybe I was lucky but never had one who didn't care about my pleasure. I did feel a bit like PIV was "for the man" and something I had to put up with in exchange for the lovely oral orgasm I'd just been given. So I can sort of relate to it seeming a chore. Without reciprocity I'm sure it seems like more of a chore.

StanfordPines · 13/03/2021 11:16

And some posters seem really angry (and in denial) about those who do enjoy sex. Just because YOU don’t enjoy it, it doesn’t mean that those of us who do are lying

And just because you enjoy it it doesn’t mean everyone else should. Or is odd because they don’t, or you should feel sad for them, or they are doing it wrong.

Some people just don’t like sex.
I had a friend who didn’t like chocolate. Whenever she said this people would say ‘but have you tried this brand’ or simply refuse to believe it.
It’s the same thing. Some people just don’t like it.

FlyLight · 13/03/2021 11:19

I can understand those saying it's a bit ridiculous, I feel the same. When you think about it the whole thing is so weird and strange. I've never really been able to get over the embarrassment factor- that's not to say I'm embarrassed by my body, more the whole act. Haven't had sex in years and to be honest the thought of it now makes me cringe!

ScarfaceCwaw · 13/03/2021 11:35

It's no more ridiculous than many or most things humans do. It's no stranger than kicking a ball around a field, or sitting down staring at small moving unreal images. Humans need to reproduce and diversify the gene pool, and this works.

Chillychangchoo · 13/03/2021 11:37

@FlyLight

I just don’t think sex can be described as weird or strange. It’s instinctive, and just totally normal.

If you don’t like it then fine, that’s totally up to you but I do disagree that the act is labelled here as odd.

Batinhernightdress · 13/03/2021 11:40

I think your partners must have been rubbish and very selfish

I actually find this very offensive. Why can't people accept that I just don't like it, much like I don't like marmite or football. I was led to believe this lie, it must be my fault, or my partners and this led me on a journey of discovery. Many many different people/sexes/places I've learnt what I always knew. It's not for me. I agree with op that the best was when I was ttc, but only because the outcome was so exciting it made the rest tolerable.

emilyfrost · 13/03/2021 11:42

I couldn’t imagine not enjoying sex. It’s just such a huge part of our lives. Even after having my children I couldn’t wait to heal to have it again (I did, but it was hard 🤣).

There’s so much to do, so much to explore. So much fun to be had. It’s such an intimate experience between you and your partner I couldn’t ever live without that.

Stinkywizzleteets · 13/03/2021 11:44

There are millions of people
Who don’t really care whether or not they have sex but society tells us it’s wrong or we’ve
Been doing it wrong and it’s just not the case. For
Some people it’s just not that interesting.

Media sells us this idea of what ‘normal’ sex should be like ranging from uber romantic to all out porn and every single image they sell us is unrealistic. Sex is sweaty, bellies Make Odd Farting noises, it’s not always comfortable and it’s not always this deep and meaningful connection. It’s Just sex.

I could go without it. I enjoy it when I have it but I could just as easily not have it and I wouldn’t care. We’re not strange, we’re not outliers - we’re just on the human spectrum of preferences at the idgaf end (potentially literally 😂)

Dbwoshem · 13/03/2021 11:45

I've always wondered if there was something wrong with me. When people talk about what they like about sex or what it feels like, I can't relate to it at all.
I like the build up, the foreplay, I enjoy the closeness. But.... I get nothing from penetration at all. I have slept with 7 people who were all different sizes and girths and they have all felt the same to me. I almost feel numb inside. I can't actually feel anything? Plus I find it physically uncomfortable and exhausting.

I absolutely HATE giving oral. The thought of it makes me shudder. I have done it lots of times but it's only for the man's benefit. During it I'm thinking how much I hate it and how I want it to be over. I know that's not normal and it does upset me but I have always been this way

likeamillpond · 13/03/2021 11:52

This thread is proof why women should be prescribed testosterone for low sex drive.

I have a friend in her 50s who's sex drive plummeted to zero once she hit menopause.
She tried everything to regain it. HRT didnt work as it only contains oestrogen and progesterone and British NHS GPs will not help women and refuse to give them testosterone for some reason.
The usual BS it's unsafe
She went private in the end and now she is on a tailored made, for her, HRT treatment plan that contains a sma'll amount of testosterone which is HIGHLY important for sex drive and not just in men.
She says it's like having a new lease of life.

likeamillpond · 13/03/2021 11:54

Oh yes and her and her DH are now at it like rabbits and it's very rare for her not to orgasm.

OhWhyNot · 13/03/2021 12:04

But some women (and men) are perfectly happy with not having sex or only to have sex very occasionally

For many they just want intimacy.

They is so much patronising on here we are much more than just sexual beings we have gone from one extreme of only bad women enjoy sex to you are not a real woman if you don’t want sex (as many have pointed out they know how enjoyable it is they have experienced this it just no longer interests them)

Onsiesarethenewblack · 13/03/2021 12:09

The only time I understood what other people were talking about when they referred to a sex drive/being horny was when I was put on a particular type of contraceptive pill when I was in my twenties. All of a sudden I thought...that's what they mean! '. It was fun, though I did think it was a bit of hassle as well! Alas, that pill caused me other side effects and I had to come off it. I'm a little different to the OP as I do enjoy the act when it happens, in that sense I think I'm pretty lucky with the way I'm wired. But I'm like a goldfish, soon as its over I forget about the pleasure, and if I wasn't in a relationship I could quite happily live without it at all. I've gone several years without in between relationships, not just celibate but no interest in self pleasure either. It just doesn't occur to me.

PrincessTuna · 13/03/2021 12:15

Same. Never enjoyed it, never orgasmed. Found it a total chore and performance. At best it was a boring necessity, at worst I felt violated and had to fight the urge to push him off.

I am single and it's probably fairer all round if I stay that way!

CookPassBabtridge · 13/03/2021 12:22

Maybe I'm strange, but intercourse is my absolutely favourite part, I loved being taken and all the feelings and sensations that go with it. I really get in the mindset. Yet I'm 35 and never orgasmed..

Wimpeyspread · 13/03/2021 12:23

I could have written that, OP. Have now been single (widowed) and celibate 20 years, and am very happy never to have to have sex again. Not something I could admit to anyone else though, so I don’t thing you are as much of an outlier as you think. I also have children, and it was definitely worth it to conceive them

BlondehairRedlips · 13/03/2021 12:51

But.... I get nothing from penetration at all. I have slept with 7 people who were all different sizes and girths and they have all felt the same to me. I almost feel numb inside. I can't actually feel anything?

Because the inside of a vagina hardly has any nerves. Imagine how much more painful childbirth would be if we had loads of sensitive nerve endings in there.

SecretSpAD · 13/03/2021 13:04

When I was younger (and slimmer) I had a lot of sex with a lot of men and it was of varying quality. Sometimes it was them not up to it, sometimes me. It eventually became a chore which was marginally more pleasurable than cleaning the kitchen.

Then I met my husband. He was pretty upfront about having attachment and intimacy issues due to being sexually abused as a teenager. He had reached a point in his life where he wanted a marriage, to love and be loved and build a life with someone. He also didn't want sex. I realised that I wanted him more than I wanted a shag so I married him and we don't have sex. Since then he's had his prostate removed due to cancer so he can't have sex now anyway.

I don't miss it. If I do find myself wanting sex again then my husband has given me a free pass for a discreet affair - I was tempted once, but couldn't go through with it in the end.

Adlaide · 13/03/2021 13:07

Thank you for this refreshing thread OP. Finally not being made to feel like an utter freak for not being that bothered about sex anymore or not being able to orgasm through PIV sex.

It's about bloody time it was normalised then maybe, perhaps, the whole 'lack of sex' issue in relationships could be dealt with without making one person feel like an utter freakish piece of shit for losing their sex drive.

Adlaide · 13/03/2021 13:10

Or maybe there are just a whole lot of women out there that just meant to be with other women!

StanfordPines · 13/03/2021 13:11

This thread is proof why women should be prescribed testosterone for low sex drive.

No. It’s proof that some people simply don’t accept that other people don’t like sex.

Shmithecat2 · 13/03/2021 13:16

@likeamillpond

This thread is proof why women should be prescribed testosterone for low sex drive.

But why should they?

Dbwoshem · 13/03/2021 13:23

@BlondehairRedlips so it's normal to not feel anything? If so, then to me that makes it even more pointless lol

ScarfaceCwaw · 13/03/2021 13:31

[quote Dbwoshem]@BlondehairRedlips so it's normal to not feel anything? If so, then to me that makes it even more pointless lol[/quote]
I think there are all kinds of complex and individual factors. I absolutely do feel stimulation there, and have my most intense orgasms when both vagina and clitoris are stimulated. To get off from PIV, it has to be a position or angle that also either stimulates my clitoris or the right spot on my vaginal wall. Each kind of orgasm (clitoral, vaginal, both) is qualitatively different for me.

I didn't start coming from PIV with DH until I was in my 30s though, and in the preceding 10 years I still always got off, just from something else.

BlondehairRedlips · 13/03/2021 13:35

BlondehairRedlips so it's normal to not feel anything? If so, then to me that makes it even more pointless lol

Yes totally normal. That's why mother nature has given us a clitoris with over 8000 nerve endings, just a little out the way of the birth canal. For most women that's where the party's at.

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