I don't enjoy sex and never have, and the only time it's been worth it was when I was TTC

[AdmirableMacaroon]

Firstly I hope this isn't too explicit to be posted outside the sex forum. Obviously it is then move or delete as appropriate. I have never particularly enjoyed sex. So it's clear, I'm referring to intercourse specifically. There are a few contributing factors to why I feel the way I do about it. I feel that the act itself very heavily favours the man's pleasure over the woman's. While the man is basically guaranteed to orgasm from it, I personally never have or even been close to orgasming from sex. I've had a fair bit of experience with different partners and it's been more or less the same each time. It doesn't do very much for me physically, at all. I've only ever orgasmed on my own. I'm not a prude and I consider my sex drive to be average.

When I reflect on my own sexual history, I honestly feel that the only time it's felt worth it was when I was trying to conceive. I've got 3 older DCs and I'm sadly too old to have any more. I'm mid-40s now and single. I don't think I would be especially fussed if I never had sex again. I find the whole thing to be a chore honestly. Am I an outlier? I've always assumed that I am and that most people enjoy sex tremendously.

@Iudncuewbccgrcb

Extending my point... how many women are the ones responsible for 'sex clean up' meaning that sex isn't just sex, it's sex and a clean up job.

Washing the sex stains out of bed covers

remembering to buy the condoms or lube if you use them

emptying the bins of tissues/wrappers/condoms if you use them

dealing with semen seepage afterwards while your beloved is already snoring

or even dealing with the bleeding if you are one of the many many many women who have cervical erosions that mean you bleed after sex as a result of taking hormonal contraception.

Bacterial vaginosis/thrush

Penis beaker if you absolutely must.

General Pubic Maintenance if that's something that's expected/required

Don't get me wrong I do enjoy sex when I'm in the mood. But the mood is frequently dampened by just how much of my time the 'sex clean up' will actually cost me, so only do it now when I really really want to.

I don't have any sex clean up to do! I sat there thinking about it and yes, I clean the bed covers, but he does too, at his house... Use condoms which is shit but the only decent option for me at the mo, and he disposes of them (do some blokes expect the woman to peel it off and tie it up for them!?).

Ah optimistic40 but it sounds like you don't live together and therefore you still have the luxury belief that men and women are equal in this.

All the male partners I had that I didn't live with seemed equally equal. They cleaned their sheets. They emptied their bins. They bought condoms.

Its funny how so many men's views on these things change when there is someone else in the house who do it instead of them because the alternative is that it doesn't get done without 'nagging' aka the ultimate sin a woman in a long term relationship can commit.

I don't recognise this long list of cleanup thing at all. Sex is just sex. It doesn't create any more work than not having sex. (And I'm not a whippersnapper.)

I can understand and empathise with the feeling of sex being an item on the to-do list when kids are young and you're touched out and sleep deprived, but not with the idea that in itself it creates workload and is simply to be endured.

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

Since menopause l could happily never have sex again

Same here

This thread is breaking my heart. I can think of nothing better than sex is my partner.

Not meaning to be antagonistic here, but it's never occurred to me that there's a long list of sex clean up/maintenance chores. At the risk of tmi (apologies) DH holds a cloth under before he pulls out and then I usually go to the toilet a little while after (which is fair enough...can't really expect him to piss for me ). Not sure what else there is to do really.

More generally though, I'm definitely feeling that sex is a chore. Having to have sex on certain days of the month whether either of you want to or not is a bit of a passion killer (been ttc for 20 months now). I do enjoy intercourse though. Need direct stimulation to orgasm during it but I think it's my favourite part of sex.

I'd quite happily never have sex again OP. I used to enjoy it and DH is great at it tbf, but since having children, I honestly couldn't care less about it. I know that DH is really struggling with the lack of sex although he never says anything. I feel guilty/bad for him so try to muster up the enthusiasm for it once a week or so. It's not unenjoyable when it does happen, but the overwhelming feeling when it's over is that of relief; job done for a little while. It's a sad situation to be in for both of us I think.

@Iudncuewbccgrcb

Ah optimistic40 but it sounds like you don't live together and therefore you still have the luxury belief that men and women are equal in this.

All the male partners I had that I didn't live with seemed equally equal. They cleaned their sheets. They emptied their bins. They bought condoms.

Its funny how so many men's views on these things change when there is someone else in the house who do it instead of them because the alternative is that it doesn't get done without 'nagging' aka the ultimate sin a woman in a long term relationship can commit.

We don't. But I have lived with several men (and had kids etc) and sex clean up was never a big deal But maybe people who see the sex clear up as a thing are the ones who don't really enjoy the sex? I might feel more disgruntled lying there with aforementioned seepage or sticky sheets if there had been no orgasm in the deal for me. In fact, I definitely would!

@Chillychangchoo what the Jeff is an "artificial orgasm", and how is using a vibrator give you one of these?
You must realise from reading this thread (or many other discussions on this) that regular orgasm through PIV alone is the exception not the rule.
You sound a bit smug and well may you be

I'd happily have more of the Bridgerton-kind of sex though, all glossy and fiery.

I feel the same I am 38 and been celibate for 5 years. I’ve never liked sex and can’t stand the feeling of orgasm. It makes me feel sick so I back off. I also hate oral and have had my ex get quite upset that I wouldn’t let him do it.

In the time that I have been on my own I’ve come to realise that I’m asexual. I have never had the feeling of wanting to have sex with anyone. I feel attracted in a way that I want to be near someone a lot but that’s it. The moment sex comes into it I don’t want to and have only done it for the other person.

Growing up I always felt like I was a freak as I just had no interest in anyone. I also didn’t have any sexual urges. I often feel very out of place in this sex furled world but have come to be happy in myself and who I am.

It’s boring and a chore. I’ve lost all interest since having my DS. Although I never really enjoyed the PIV part anyway.

I don’t understand. If you can orgasm alone, why haven’t you shown your partner how to make you orgasm with his fingers and hands? Why isn’t he making you orgasm before or during penetrative sex?

If you aren’t having orgasms then I totally get why you would find sex unsatisfying, that sounds lame. But it does seem like something you could work on together.

@therocinante I’m intrigued to read that until relatively recently you had v high sex drive yet you also say sex results in cystitis first you.
For me this has been the greatest passion killer! Years of cystitis and UTIs after sex (leading to chronic inflammation of bladder at one point due to ill resolved UTI) has really killed my sex drive. Hard to loosen up and enjoy when dreading the after effects!

Separately - love your attitude to wife work and wish I had been wiser when younger and done similar (I definitely carry the mental load in the relationship and I resent it).

I went off sex massively and I agree with a lot of what you have said. The one thing that changed for me was exercise. I got into running and the endorphins have increased my libido so much. But going back to your post, I think a lot of women feel the same it's just not spoken of that much.

I'll sit on this bench with you.

I occasionally enjoy it, occasionally want it - and by that I mean about 2-3 times a year. I realise this is well below average.
Orgasming from penetrative sex is nearly impossible for me with my DH - but I really CBA to "try things" to help, because we've done that and all it results in is HIM not being able to finish, and grinding away for far too long. I'd rather get it done in a couple of minutes and then sort myself out. Makes it all seem like a chore, yes.

If anything happened between me and DH, I wouldn't be bothered to look for another partner.

Yep

I seem to have come full circle. I was a late developer and wasn’t interested or ‘ready’ for sex until my very late teens. I then developed a very high sex drive which remained all throughout my 20s/ early 30s. I never orgasm through PIV and a partner using fingers or tongue takes absolutely bloody ages and I just never really enjoyed either of those -felt too self conscious and ‘under pressure ‘ - but I still loved sex. Mainly the buildup, foreplay, flirting etc and knowing it was going to happen. I had a lot of fantasies and became very well acquainted with various vibrators...

I’m now late 30s and my libido has well and truly left the building. I just have no desire whatsoever to have sex of any kind; it feels like a chore and an effort. It’s been this way for a good 5 or 6 years now but even more so since having kids. It doesn’t help that I don’t feel remotely attractive due to weight gain / body changes post-kids.

DH and I are both permanently exhausted with 2 very young kids very close in age so he has little sex drive left now either, despite a very healthy sex drive at the start. We both feel like we should ‘make the effort’ as it feels like sex is an important part of a marriage - but at the same time if neither of you can really be arsed it seems a bit ridiculous. We now have a token shag every couple of months - he really enjoys it when we do, I feel totally ambivalent (probably because he orgasms and I don’t, even though he always offers!). I still find him really attractive, I just have zero desire. It feels like something to be ticked off the list

Looking back I was always ‘hornier’ when single / dating casually and at the start of relationships - so I guess a lot of it for me was the excitement / novelty and the thrill of a new partner / relationship.

Anyway, I do worry about my total lack of libido as it doesn’t feel normal - if DH wasn’t also flagging in that department I’d probably want to do something about it. We try to create intimacy in other ways - cuddles, quality time together etc- but I do feel old before my time!

Sorry post to soon..yes same. I adore my DH and love the intimacy and everything beforehand and am ok once the efforts put in. But would be quite happy to never piv again. I don't have a big sex drive at all as I love and care very much for my DH so I'm comfortable enough to do it most times but I said as it's not often on my mind he would have to instigate most of the time but it's always a hint or two never a pest or pressure thank goodness. I am envious of those who really enjoy it and I can organism too, it just doesn't float my boat that much the same way. But the intimacy and cuddles is what I would really miss.

It sounds to me that you aren't asexual as you consider yourself to have an average sex drive, you just don't orgasm from sex alone

Having a libido doesn't mean someone isn't asexual, being asexual means you aren't sexually attracted to someone.

Then I go and ruin that point by saying that I'm aromantic asexual and have never had sex.

If you’re happy to live a celibate life then that is entirely your choice.

Well my mind is blown, 80% in this thread feel the same way as the op?
Honestly think 99% of you must have been doing it wrong, or your partners are! If I go a week without sex I’m about ready to spontaneously combust, if I had the energy I’d do it all the time!

@sabrinathemiddleagewitch

I find the smug women at the beginning of this thread, who can orgasm from PIV sex very very annoying. Of course you enjoy sex, you can have sex like a man.

For 90%+ of women this is not accurate and PIV does not result in an orgasm and is ultimately more of a faff than it is for men.

I wouldn't say I never want to have sex again, I do. But I certainly find it biologically unfair how easy men have it.

That’s not the case for all women though is it? Some of us are “biologically blessed” and are apparently able to reach orgasm easier than others. I don’t see how they would make us annoying!? Perhaps we have more skilled partners?

I can orgasm very easily (yes, even through PIV); it doesn’t make me special or smug. We’re all different. I’m glad I’m this way. If that makes me so smug to those who aren’t, oh well. 🤷‍♀️