I don't enjoy sex and never have, and the only time it's been worth it was when I was TTC

[AdmirableMacaroon]

Firstly I hope this isn't too explicit to be posted outside the sex forum. Obviously it is then move or delete as appropriate. I have never particularly enjoyed sex. So it's clear, I'm referring to intercourse specifically. There are a few contributing factors to why I feel the way I do about it. I feel that the act itself very heavily favours the man's pleasure over the woman's. While the man is basically guaranteed to orgasm from it, I personally never have or even been close to orgasming from sex. I've had a fair bit of experience with different partners and it's been more or less the same each time. It doesn't do very much for me physically, at all. I've only ever orgasmed on my own. I'm not a prude and I consider my sex drive to be average.

When I reflect on my own sexual history, I honestly feel that the only time it's felt worth it was when I was trying to conceive. I've got 3 older DCs and I'm sadly too old to have any more. I'm mid-40s now and single. I don't think I would be especially fussed if I never had sex again. I find the whole thing to be a chore honestly. Am I an outlier? I've always assumed that I am and that most people enjoy sex tremendously.

@EarthSight it's the only way it's ever worked for me and no issues yet. I spent the majority of my life not being able to orgasm at all.

@Iudncuewbccgrcb

Extending my point... how many women are the ones responsible for 'sex clean up' meaning that sex isn't just sex, it's sex and a clean up job.

Washing the sex stains out of bed covers

remembering to buy the condoms or lube if you use them

emptying the bins of tissues/wrappers/condoms if you use them

dealing with semen seepage afterwards while your beloved is already snoring

or even dealing with the bleeding if you are one of the many many many women who have cervical erosions that mean you bleed after sex as a result of taking hormonal contraception.

Bacterial vaginosis/thrush

Penis beaker if you absolutely must.

General Pubic Maintenance if that's something that's expected/required

Don't get me wrong I do enjoy sex when I'm in the mood. But the mood is frequently dampened by just how much of my time the 'sex clean up' will actually cost me, so only do it now when I really really want to.

this in spades.

Never really enjoyed sex and never orgasmed (early 40s) - not any of the men's fault (not that there have been many); it just feels like I'm not really 'connected' to down below mentally, my brain's just never in it. I never fantasised or looked forward to it, though it can be pleasant. I've seen lots of advice along the lines of 'Oh, just get a rabbit and you'll orgasm in 2 minutes' but that didn't work either. I think somewhere along the line I just missed forming some connection, maybe connected to an extended hospitalisation and immobilisation when I was very small (around the age a child might 'discover' their private parts).

It's the best theory I have as there's no sexual trauma in my past, grew up in a household with a healthy attitude to sex, and, as one sex therapist I visited noted, I'm perhaps more body-confident than average so it's not about that.

I enjoy the closeness with DH and he does keep trying with me (as in doesn't just focus on himself) even though he'd rather have a lot more sex, so I try to make the best of it

I've felt really sad reading this. I would be so miserable not having sex. It's not just the orgasms i would miss but the intense closeness to my partner.

NB, I did learn in late 20s that PIV orgasm isn't usually so never expected it but goddamit, why don't girls get told this?! Oh yes, because we're not supposed to enjoy sex.

I think as long as you're happy with it, that's fine. Maybe an outlier, although the comments would suggest not as much as I thought, but who cares?

If you would like to be more sexual and your experiences have put you off, that's different - but if you're happy and don't feel anything's missing, that's all that matters.

It's funny how intrinsic to our sense of self it can be: I have historically had a very, very high sex drive, twice a day with partners, masturbate daily. In the last two years my sex drive has dropped a lot - probably due to life stresses etc - and although it's still probably well within the normal range and even high to some people, it's really changed how I see myself. It's as though not wanting as much sex has decreased my confidence, not the other way round: I don't feel as much like myself. And I suddenly feel ashamed, as though I'm a lesser version of myself. It's not pressure from my DH - he's always had a lower drive than me so he's not bothered, and the sex we do have is still great - but I feel like I am somehow weird. And that's stupid cos it really, really doesn't matter to anyone else if your sex drive fluctuates wildly or disappears altogether (except your partner, and even then it ultimately is still your choice).

Unlike @GladAllOver I'm kind of glad to read this thread as whenever someone has a 'How often do you have sex?' thread I kind of expect most parents to be saying 'uh... once or twice a week' but they seem to be full of people going 'THREE TIMES A DAY!!!'

@WinstonsWeirdVole

I don’t think you’re an “outlier” at all OP - I know quite a few women who feel this way. It’s not that uncommon IMO. YANBU!

Agreed. I suspect it's more common than we think, it's not considered 'cool' though so no doubt most people will claim to be raging nymphos.

I orgasm every time I have sex. But that's not through penetration, my partner just makes sure I orgasm through foreplay before he does through penetration. I also enjoy the actual sex, not because it will make me orgasm but because it fulfils the desire.

I assume you have sexual desire as you masterbate. Therefore I suspect you've had selfish partners. That's not rare, a lot of men only think of their own pleasure.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting sex though, there's no rules on how much you should have or how much you should enjoy it.

@Iudncuewbccgrcb

Extending my point... how many women are the ones responsible for 'sex clean up' meaning that sex isn't just sex, it's sex and a clean up job.

Washing the sex stains out of bed covers

remembering to buy the condoms or lube if you use them

emptying the bins of tissues/wrappers/condoms if you use them

dealing with semen seepage afterwards while your beloved is already snoring

or even dealing with the bleeding if you are one of the many many many women who have cervical erosions that mean you bleed after sex as a result of taking hormonal contraception.

Bacterial vaginosis/thrush

Penis beaker if you absolutely must.

General Pubic Maintenance if that's something that's expected/required

Don't get me wrong I do enjoy sex when I'm in the mood. But the mood is frequently dampened by just how much of my time the 'sex clean up' will actually cost me, so only do it now when I really really want to.

This I do relate to. DP is having the snip so he doesn’t have to wear condoms anymore and all I keep thinking about is having to deal with the seepage. It is unfair we women generally have to deal with the clean up afterwards and it definitely does put me off sometimes.

It's nice enough, but I more or less agree. I like to feel close to my husband, not because it does anything much for me. But yes if he died I wouldn't miss it.

@Chailatteplease oh god yes this pisses me off so much!! He can only have sex with me before I've had a shower, I'm not having two!

@Iudncuewbccgrcb

Extending my point... how many women are the ones responsible for 'sex clean up' meaning that sex isn't just sex, it's sex and a clean up job.

Washing the sex stains out of bed covers

remembering to buy the condoms or lube if you use them

emptying the bins of tissues/wrappers/condoms if you use them

dealing with semen seepage afterwards while your beloved is already snoring

or even dealing with the bleeding if you are one of the many many many women who have cervical erosions that mean you bleed after sex as a result of taking hormonal contraception.

Bacterial vaginosis/thrush

Penis beaker if you absolutely must.

General Pubic Maintenance if that's something that's expected/required

Don't get me wrong I do enjoy sex when I'm in the mood. But the mood is frequently dampened by just how much of my time the 'sex clean up' will actually cost me, so only do it now when I really really want to.

Washing the sex stains out of bed covers Put a towel down!

remembering to buy the condoms or lube if you use them Amazon subscription/just tell DH it's his job

emptying the bins of tissues/wrappers/condoms if you use them Again, why is your DH not emptying bins?

dealing with semen seepage afterwards while your beloved is already snoring Fair, this is unavoidable (unless using condoms), but surely your partner is also having a bit of a wipe up?

or even dealing with the bleeding if you are one of the many many many women who have cervical erosions Again, fair enough, but completely unavoidable - unless you don't have sex ever again to avoid it, which seems excessive!

Bacterial vaginosis/thrush For most people, this wouldn't be every time? I know some people do get recurrent BV/thrush

Penis beaker if you absolutely must. Again, sounds like a DH/DP thing to deal with, why are you doing it?

General Pubic Maintenance if that's something that's expected/required Don't bother, and don't fuck anyone who tells you what to do with your pubes

Some of those are (to excuse the term) a massive ballache/literally painful - I get cystitis if I don't have sex under a full moon with Mercury in retrograde during the harvest festival so I empathise - but to me it sounds like there's a lot on there that could be avoided by just doing what you want with your body hair and expecting your partner to be a decent human being!

therocinante

I think you have just solved the problem to wifework / the second shift.

Just tell the men to remember do it. Wow, why did none of us think to do that before

[quote Ohnomoreno]@Chailatteplease oh god yes this pisses me off so much!! He can only have sex with me before I've had a shower, I'm not having two![/quote]
I think I will incorporate that rule!

Gotta say, at least my husband cleans up after himself! And is quite happy for me never to be shaven... TBH, don't think I'd marry anyone who did 'expect' that

Iudncuewbccgrcb
All these women thinking they must be asexual because everyone else is apparently off having lovely sex all the time.

No.

You aren't asexual. You are normal women with normal hormones who just don't fancy pointless, time consuming and potentially mess creating sex because you are probably at a particular point in your life where your body isn't trying to force you to reproduce.

If you enjoy sex outside of its reproductive functions then good for you. The rest of us are doing it when we can be bothered for relationship maintenance purposes.

Much like getting round to cleaning out the dishwasher filter, you put it off until you absolutely have to do it and afterwards you are satisfied but pleased that it's done for the time being.

Great post.

Nope looks like you're not alone OP. I'll go crazy and say yours and the majority of the women (at similar points in their lives I.e not 16-28 year old whipper snappers) that agree with you here are the 'normal' ones!

@Iudncuewbccgrcb

therocinante

I think you have just solved the problem to wifework / the second shift.

Just tell the men to remember do it. Wow, why did none of us think to do that before

Hahaha I see your point and it sounds so blase to say it but also, I just... don't do it. I do not do wifework, I do not and would not date someone (since my early 20s, anyway) who wasn't able or willing to be a grown adult and an equal partner. It's served me well!

Obviously this is a lot harder in established relationships where you've been in that role for a long time and it's much harder to extricate yourself when you've got joined lives. But my greatest recommendation to any woman not currently in a relationship is to not do a single thing for a man that he couldn't do for himself (excepting illness, being nice, to account for imbalance in working schedules etc - lots of considerations, of course).

It took all of 2 months of living together for DH to realise I was serious that if he wasn't going to remember to do basic things round the house then neither was I and lo and behold when we didn't have any food in the cupboard or clean towels/clothes and the place was a shithole and he panicked because it was 3 days before Christmas and what had 'we' got his mum... that I was serious about not being his admin assistant or cleaner or personal shopper. Best thing I ever did was live in a disgustingly dirty house off toast and takeaways for 3 weeks - he's never made the mistake again of defaulting to 'letting' me do everything.

(And no, I am not blaming women for it! It's absolutely men's fault for being so entitled as to believe everyone around them will do the necessary stuff for life to run smoothly. But if you agree to it, it's never going to change, so stop agreeing to it - then you'll see whether your partner is temporarily lazy and actually capable of being an adult, or incurably shit)

Don’t care if I never have sex again since menopause hit, but beside that I’ve been doing it since I was 17, I just can’t rustle up the enthusiasm in my 50’s, totally bored of it.

@OversharedandNameChanged

How on earth is sex a ridiculous thing to do?

Because you're getting naked and swapping bodily fluids with someone . I accept I'm probably weird though. If you like it, good for you.

It is when you think about it for any length of time. All the grunting and sweating. Body parts inserted into each other.

I still like intercourse, but it's not as easy as it was. At 65 years old, and with medical issues solved pharmaceutically, DH isn't the lusty lover I married. And with Viagra, it's a bit like bonking a broom handle. But the act of loving and the satisfaction it gives him keeps life on an even keel. We are a star team together, so there's no way I'd derail life for a better fuck.

Judging from all the replies here no you’re probably not an outlier.

I’m in my early thirties with three older children. I wasn’t too fussed when they were all little. Looking back I was probably just too exhausted.

I do love sex though and orgasm every single time through penetration. I always have. I would miss it if I never had it, and would think about it a lot.

One thing I’ll mention though is I’ve only ever used a vibrator a few times, and it dulled sex/orgasms.
Plus I’ve never really needed one and I always have the real thing on tap whenever I want. Maybe some women have desensitised themselves down there with all these artificial orgasms from sex toys? Just my theory.

For me too I just think of all the porn saturated weirdos, who ultimately want you to perform rather than having a lovely experience. It's all just been ruined. It's sad really because it can be such a lovely, tender, bonding thing. Then again when I thought I had had that experience, turned out out he was a porn addicted degenerate, so pretty one sided.

Used to get massively turned on, enjoy sex, but still PIV never resulted in an orgasm for me. Only with skilled partner's hands or oral and even then it took ages for me to switch my brain off to get into it enough. Fine on my own.
After children I went right off the whole idea for years. Partly as I stopped associating that area with anything other than the horrors of giving birth. Now, I feel ambivalent but, as I don't find myself attractive anymore, I think that self-consciousness would get hugely in the way of me enjoying it. So really, happy to go without.