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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don't enjoy sex and never have, and the only time it's been worth it was when I was TTC

196 replies

AdmirableMacaroon · 12/03/2021 17:11

Firstly I hope this isn't too explicit to be posted outside the sex forum. Obviously it is then move or delete as appropriate. I have never particularly enjoyed sex. So it's clear, I'm referring to intercourse specifically. There are a few contributing factors to why I feel the way I do about it. I feel that the act itself very heavily favours the man's pleasure over the woman's. While the man is basically guaranteed to orgasm from it, I personally never have or even been close to orgasming from sex. I've had a fair bit of experience with different partners and it's been more or less the same each time. It doesn't do very much for me physically, at all. I've only ever orgasmed on my own. I'm not a prude and I consider my sex drive to be average.

When I reflect on my own sexual history, I honestly feel that the only time it's felt worth it was when I was trying to conceive. I've got 3 older DCs and I'm sadly too old to have any more. I'm mid-40s now and single. I don't think I would be especially fussed if I never had sex again. I find the whole thing to be a chore honestly. Am I an outlier? I've always assumed that I am and that most people enjoy sex tremendously.

OP posts:
FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 12/03/2021 20:38

I can only orgasm using a vibrator. I don't think its because I'm uptight or have any issues around enjoyment of sex, I think it's because I don't release the right hormones in enough quantities or I am just not physically built in the right way.

Whatever desire I have to have sex, I still can't orgasm. And when I know that I could easily on my own, it's not a giant leap to see how someone could have a sex drive but not be that bothered about sex itself.

Chailatteplease · 12/03/2021 20:41

I wasn’t able to orgasm via PIV before having children, now I can.

Sex for me, has always been better with someone I love (cheesy as that sounds), bar one person.
My sex drive is also hugely dictated by hormone levels. I’m dreading menopause for that reason.

OversharedandNameChanged · 12/03/2021 20:44

I do not enjoy sex all. It's a totally ridiculous thing to do if you think about it in the cold light of day. I'm mid 40s, and never planning to have sex again as I've realised I am actually asexual.

CrappingMyself · 12/03/2021 20:50

I've got less interested as I've got older BUT all throughout my relationships, if the relationship wasn't right, if I wasn't turned on mentally, I would struggle with sex. I like to be flirted with, touched, teased, turned on - before I even get close to removing clothing!

DH (who I suspect is autistic as we have a DC with diagnosis and DH shares some of the traits), is attentive and loving, but doesn't pick up on these social "flirting" cues, so I have to engineer them myself. I sometimes fantasise the flirtation aspect and usually need a couple of drinks to relax into it.

I would break it down as to what parts you don't like. Is it particular sensations? Just having someone else there (prefer to be alone and focus on self)? Physical pain/discomfort? Emotional status at the time (feeling taken for granted etc)? Hormonal impact (eg peri menopause)?

ChiantiFffffff · 12/03/2021 20:54

I've had many sexual relationships, but I'm late 30s now and really can't be arsed.

I love my DH, he's the most handsome lovable funny handsome attractive man I've ever been with, it's not about him at all, but I'd not bother if he didn't want it.

It's a faff and I'd rather have a glass of wine/watch a film/sleep etc. Just can't be arsed. I had a massive sex drive between 18-28 but I'm just not fussed now.

RosieLemonade · 12/03/2021 21:02

I would happily never have sex again if it wasn't for wanting to make DH happy. I see it akin to doing the ironing for him. It's a chore.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 12/03/2021 21:04

All these women thinking they must be asexual because everyone else is apparently off having lovely sex all the time.

No.

You aren't asexual. You are normal women with normal hormones who just don't fancy pointless, time consuming and potentially mess creating sex because you are probably at a particular point in your life where your body isn't trying to force you to reproduce.

If you enjoy sex outside of its reproductive functions then good for you. The rest of us are doing it when we can be bothered for relationship maintenance purposes.

Much like getting round to cleaning out the dishwasher filter, you put it off until you absolutely have to do it and afterwards you are satisfied but pleased that it's done for the time being.

RosemarysCat · 12/03/2021 21:05

@Iudncuewbccgrcb

All these women thinking they must be asexual because everyone else is apparently off having lovely sex all the time.

No.

You aren't asexual. You are normal women with normal hormones who just don't fancy pointless, time consuming and potentially mess creating sex because you are probably at a particular point in your life where your body isn't trying to force you to reproduce.

If you enjoy sex outside of its reproductive functions then good for you. The rest of us are doing it when we can be bothered for relationship maintenance purposes.

Much like getting round to cleaning out the dishwasher filter, you put it off until you absolutely have to do it and afterwards you are satisfied but pleased that it's done for the time being.

Great post.
thosetalesofunexpected · 12/03/2021 21:06

Do you just sex is just over rated hyped up so much in our society such as countless sex surveys in newspapers especially newspapers like the sun,
and the way some products on supermarket are advertised on in tv adverts in such a way it has to have sex appeal.

Its too much about about the deed and not enough about intimacy and fore play ?
(It it gets confused in sex centric culture.

It sounds like you have selfish or inexperienced ex partners?

Ps also if their was more focus on fore play such as oral etc would you prefer this instead ?
or aswell would that make a difference.

Look up tantric yoga and karma sutra practices on the internet or books etc websites

RosemarysCat · 12/03/2021 21:06

On the above note, does anyone else not have children, not want to reproduce, and never wanted children?

If so how do you feel about it?

RickOShay · 12/03/2021 21:07

I think the menopause can decrease your need for sex.

Chailatteplease · 12/03/2021 21:09

@OversharedandNameChanged

I do not enjoy sex all. It's a totally ridiculous thing to do if you think about it in the cold light of day. I'm mid 40s, and never planning to have sex again as I've realised I am actually asexual.
How on earth is sex a ridiculous thing to do? What a ridiculous thing to say 😂
DancyNancy · 12/03/2021 21:10

Lol you just hit the depressing nail on the head. So glad I'm not alone

DancyNancy · 12/03/2021 21:11

Iudncuewbccgrcb

Lol you just hit the depressing nail on the head. So glad I'm not alone

RosemarysCat · 12/03/2021 21:12

I'm in bed eating a sharing size bag of paprika crisps.

Better than sex any day.

monkeysox · 12/03/2021 21:18

Buy a vibrator.

CounsellorTroi · 12/03/2021 21:18

@RosemarysCat

On the above note, does anyone else not have children, not want to reproduce, and never wanted children?

If so how do you feel about it?

DH and I don't have children. When we were trying and failing to conceive sex did become like a chore eventually. Doing IVF made it worse. We did eventually manage to regain enjoyment in having sex for its own sake.
Karmakarmachameleon · 12/03/2021 21:23

I’ve lost virtually all interest in sex (at least sex with my husband) since having my son.

OversharedandNameChanged · 12/03/2021 21:24

How on earth is sex a ridiculous thing to do?

Because you're getting naked and swapping bodily fluids with someone . I accept I'm probably weird though. If you like it, good for you.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 12/03/2021 21:24

Extending my point... how many women are the ones responsible for 'sex clean up' meaning that sex isn't just sex, it's sex and a clean up job.

Washing the sex stains out of bed covers

remembering to buy the condoms or lube if you use them

emptying the bins of tissues/wrappers/condoms if you use them

dealing with semen seepage afterwards while your beloved is already snoring

or even dealing with the bleeding if you are one of the many many many women who have cervical erosions that mean you bleed after sex as a result of taking hormonal contraception.

Bacterial vaginosis/thrush

Penis beaker if you absolutely must.

General Pubic Maintenance if that's something that's expected/required

Don't get me wrong I do enjoy sex when I'm in the mood. But the mood is frequently dampened by just how much of my time the 'sex clean up' will actually cost me, so only do it now when I really really want to.

OhWhyNot · 12/03/2021 21:25

I think many people are not overly interested in sex

I find sex in a long term relationship is boring. They have learnt what I like and will make me orgasm but it’s just doesn’t interest me in the same way as when the relationship is new

I think what many people want is intimacy being close to someone

And on these threads there is always posters who just want to tell everyone how great their sex life is (I would take it with a pinch of salt)

MooreLew · 12/03/2021 21:26

I never orgasm through penetrative sex. I can't even by using my fingers, only a vibrator. I love sex still! For me its not just about achieving an orgasm and I definitely don't think it's just to pleasure the man. I guess everyone's experiences differ.

MeribleMelon · 12/03/2021 21:26

Chatting to my friends you sound normal Op! We chat regularly about not wanting sex that often and rarely coming through PIV.
All in our 30s, with children, professionals, all had a few sexual partners!
I try and spice things up in Others ways and do enjoy intimacy, but I totally get you Op

EarthSight · 12/03/2021 21:29

I hope everyone here knows it's perfectly normal not to orgasm via penetration? In fact, you are in the majority.

EarthSight · 12/03/2021 21:30

@MooreLew

I never orgasm through penetrative sex. I can't even by using my fingers, only a vibrator. I love sex still! For me its not just about achieving an orgasm and I definitely don't think it's just to pleasure the man. I guess everyone's experiences differ.
@MooreLew Vibrators can easily numb that area. It doesn't take much for it to happen.