I don't enjoy sex and never have, and the only time it's been worth it was when I was TTC

[AdmirableMacaroon]

Firstly I hope this isn't too explicit to be posted outside the sex forum. Obviously it is then move or delete as appropriate. I have never particularly enjoyed sex. So it's clear, I'm referring to intercourse specifically. There are a few contributing factors to why I feel the way I do about it. I feel that the act itself very heavily favours the man's pleasure over the woman's. While the man is basically guaranteed to orgasm from it, I personally never have or even been close to orgasming from sex. I've had a fair bit of experience with different partners and it's been more or less the same each time. It doesn't do very much for me physically, at all. I've only ever orgasmed on my own. I'm not a prude and I consider my sex drive to be average.

When I reflect on my own sexual history, I honestly feel that the only time it's felt worth it was when I was trying to conceive. I've got 3 older DCs and I'm sadly too old to have any more. I'm mid-40s now and single. I don't think I would be especially fussed if I never had sex again. I find the whole thing to be a chore honestly. Am I an outlier? I've always assumed that I am and that most people enjoy sex tremendously.

Was never that fussed till I met DP after 25 years with DH. It is now every thing I imagined with bells on. I’m 50 but I feel 25. A complete connection on all levels.

You may be an outlier, but there's absolutely no problem with being one. Sexuality is so very individual.

I was glad beyond glad to give up having sex with men. Like you, I have lovely orgasms with myself, and consider that to be "sex with someone I can actually trust." Granted, my experiences may not have been "usual," but they are mine, and informed my responses. So be it.

You are nearer to one end of a very broad spectrum than the other, but you are by no means alone, or abnormal.

I don't orgasm from piv but I still enjoy it and my partner always makes sure I come in other ways usually oral , have you not tried that?

@Candyfloss99

This thread is breaking my heart. I can think of nothing better than sex is my partner.

This.

And some posters seem really angry (and in denial) about those who do enjoy sex. Just because YOU don’t enjoy it, it doesn’t mean that those of us who do are lying.

This post is attracting posters who don’t enjoy sex. It doesn’t mean most people don’t like it! This thread isn’t a fair representation of the population of the U.K.

I would say that the vast majority of adults do like sex.

Same. Tolerate it when DH makes moves (which is once in a blue moon) but would never miss it with someone else if it never happened again. Can't orgasm from intercourse.

Enjoy sex with myself though!

There is so much at play...tiredness, other things to worry about, kids (if you have them) being around them( all the fucking time), pandemic, worry about money, worry about looking awful (for both of us apparently).

From my own perspective, I know we will have an amazing shag post lockdown but it makes me/him feel inadequate at the moment. Neither of us are really bothered to do it.

But all this is to say everyone has their own feelings about sex and it’s ok to not be bothered about doing it. If you don’t want it, don’t, that’s the worst kind of sex.

But really explore how you feel about it. And talk about it. He might not be all that arsed either. And very happy with it. Or not. But talking about it will make it less of an issue one way or another.

You might be/are asexual. You might just not want sex with your current person. Whatever, just don’t have sex you don’t want.

Same here OP.
I cant be arsed with sex.Its more like an inconvenient chore to me..Even when in the past av had brilliant partners who pleasured me nicely,it still felt like a chore.
I'd rather watch a movie or read a book.
As for self pleasure,I dont very often feel the need to do it.Maybe once in 3 months or less.

PIV I have always found a bit hit and miss. Can be amazing given the right position, rhythm, lube etc, but also can be boring or sore. I orgasm very easily with fingers and oral, but I wouldn’t expect to orgasm through PIV unless DH is also using his fingers. Google an anatomical clitorus and it shows it looks like a weird octopus, streatching out under the vulva lips and the entrance to the virgina so when women orgasm through PIV it’s these nerves getting stimulated not the mythical g spot, which is why girth is more important than length, however the nerve endings are disproportionately higher in the tip of the clitorus so most orgasm come from here.

As for clean up that doesn’t really bother me, I enjoy the sticky, sweaty messiness or sex. What makes it harder is getting uti/cystitis symptoms afterwards and knowing I will have to write the next 24 hours off it I don’t keep a strict eye on my bladder, but this still hasn’t really affected my libido, annoyingly. What I do struggle with is that I am an introvert so would rather have the last moments of the day to myself, but that is a personality thing more than anything else.

I read your OP and my first thought was to say you mustn't have had the right chemistry with previous partners.
Not the PIV part I know that's common, just the only orgasming alone part.
And that still might be true...but reading a lot of the other replies it seems your not at all unusual so if your happy to let it slide as a hobby that just didn't take. Why not?

[quote Maria1982]@therocinante I’m intrigued to read that until relatively recently you had v high sex drive yet you also say sex results in cystitis first you.
For me this has been the greatest passion killer! Years of cystitis and UTIs after sex (leading to chronic inflammation of bladder at one point due to ill resolved UTI) has really killed my sex drive. Hard to loosen up and enjoy when dreading the after effects!

Separately - love your attitude to wife work and wish I had been wiser when younger and done similar (I definitely carry the mental load in the relationship and I resent it).[/quote]
Oh god the chronic inflammation sounds awful, I'm so sorry! I'm really lucky in that it never seems to be too severe (well as much as weeing knives can feel not severe haha), just that I'm prone to getting it - I have had a few kidney infections over the years, but far and few between thankfully. And because it's not as bad as it could be I just make sure I'm always drinking 4 litres of water a day, lots of careful post-sex wees and emergency antibiotics on hand!

And thank you - I grew up with a mum who was very resentful of the wifework she was forced into, and my first serious relationship from 18-23 modelled that very much. He was older and I moved in quickly and I was so resentful and angry at how he'd made me his manager and assistant and cleaner and nanny thay by the time the relationship was over I drew that as my line in the sand... I think it's one of the main things that's made our marriage work (on my behalf) because when there have been times when H was ill and I could step up and do the extra and didn't resent it because it felt like a labour of love rather than a duty. That and the great, cystitis inducing sex hahaha!

I don't orgasm from PIV, never have with any partner - you might as well be sticking a thumb in my belly button for all the sensation it gives me! Now I've completed my family I'd quite happily never do it again.

Despite this, I'd still class myself as having a high sex drive. DH has always put my pleasure first and makes me orgasm every time through oral sex - I get extremely tense and grouchy if I go more than a few days at a time without it! Thankfully he isn't fussed by PIV either and is more than happy for me to reciprocate through oral alone.

I can imagine that sex would feel like an unenjoyable chore if your needs aren't being met. It would for me, too.

We have great sex once we get going but it’s just the getting going I don’t be arsed with. I’d happily not bother.

Early 40s here. It’s about sharing, not giving.

I find it a huge stress reliever. I get very grumpy if l don’t get laid regularly. It goes way beyond the penetration and the orgasm; I am perfectly capable of achieving the latter by myself. It is the touch, the oral and, importantly, the passion.

I pressed send too soon. To add, I won’t have sex with someone who won’t go down on me though.

We have an L then had a huge table made by a carpenter. Don’t particularly miss having an island, I am sure new owners might put it in. Love the fact we have a huge space when we push the table to one side, great for kids parties and having people over (pre covid)

Oh we have a utility so I do use cupboards in there for food storage and my food processor goes in there. Otherwise we may have had to have the island

been single by choice for quite a few years and tbh one of the big reasons for not looking for another partner is I just cant be arsed with sex.

Yeah I felt the same until I started having sex with women. Other women don't use you are a wank sock, or see you as nothing but a hole to stick their dick in. Game changer.

I've found my tribe here. I too would be very happy to never have sex again (problems with getting to orgasm and now menopausal). Alas I have a gorgeous man who is very loving, dishy and a great body - how ironic is that?

Luckily he has a low sex drive but is happy if I initiate sex (which I do because I know he needs it every now and then and I want to make him happy).

However, we love being intimate with each other, so lots of cuddling, touching, foundling and massages which is great. And because I fancy him so much (and him me) I love all of this intimacy.

I do wish though as a woman I could have "sex like a man". How lucky men are that (generally) orgasms come as standard but for a lot of women it can be harder or more elusive to achieve. The blunt truth is that to make children a man has to come, but a woman doesn't. So biology seems to have programmed our sex responses accordingly.

I think it is sadly very common and the reason why men like shit. Not nice to know they are oy sexual attractive when the outcome of the act is a potential child.

It's no surprise that this would then shattered their self-esteem.

It's normal for new mums to see their libido go after childbirth and for some time after it after the menopause. It's not normal when the only in sex is linked to creating a child.

Many women just need a bit if time and oatirnce, which some men struggle with.

Some will just have sex to please their man or avoid confrontation and a co.pro.iseveill be found.

Some decide that they should have to do something they don't want to do, avoid all physical.closenrss, in case off, don't want to discuss it or seek professional help, and then cry outrage when their OH seek comfort elsewhere.

@Positively wrong thread ?🤣 unless you are saying that’s where you do it? Haha

@ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown

Okay well artificial was the wrong word to use. Obviously orgasms via sex toys are real. For me personally though they dulled the real thing. I just think we are all different and as long as women are happy with their sex/lack of sex then they are normal. It’s just a massive spectrum. I wasn’t that fussed when my kids were very small.

I do achieve the big O every single time from penetration but tbh I can achieve the big O in dreams, with zero stimulation other than a very excited mind 🤣. So it’s not like I can give all the credit to my husband.

im sure there is a lot of variation regarding different peoples interest in sex, and certainly sex for the pleasure of it.
Seems to be loads of people that are only interested in sex when its a novelty and new relationship or when trying for a baby, and yet theres plenty of people who remain interested and excited by it right up into old age.
Im still very interested in sex and intimacy in my 40s and after being with dp a long time, and vice versa.

Your sex drive clearly isn't normal, you have low libido which is normal for you. It's no ones fault, it's perfectly ok to feel this way. If you were in a relationship and wanted to fix it maybe look at medical reasons, but otherwise don't worry about it. Don't however try to say to other women that sex favours men's pleasure and not women's. That sentiment went out with the victorians

I find it a stressful chore. I dont mind the sex part but cant stand foreplay. makes me cringe.