I don't enjoy sex and never have, and the only time it's been worth it was when I was TTC

[AdmirableMacaroon]

Firstly I hope this isn't too explicit to be posted outside the sex forum. Obviously it is then move or delete as appropriate. I have never particularly enjoyed sex. So it's clear, I'm referring to intercourse specifically. There are a few contributing factors to why I feel the way I do about it. I feel that the act itself very heavily favours the man's pleasure over the woman's. While the man is basically guaranteed to orgasm from it, I personally never have or even been close to orgasming from sex. I've had a fair bit of experience with different partners and it's been more or less the same each time. It doesn't do very much for me physically, at all. I've only ever orgasmed on my own. I'm not a prude and I consider my sex drive to be average.

When I reflect on my own sexual history, I honestly feel that the only time it's felt worth it was when I was trying to conceive. I've got 3 older DCs and I'm sadly too old to have any more. I'm mid-40s now and single. I don't think I would be especially fussed if I never had sex again. I find the whole thing to be a chore honestly. Am I an outlier? I've always assumed that I am and that most people enjoy sex tremendously.

I'm confused as to why you think your sex drive is average when you say sex doesn't do much for you physically and you wouldn't be fussed if you never had sex ever again.

Just sounds like you don't like sex. You say it favours the man's pleasure over the woman's. I've never had a sexual experience where I've felt this so it might be bad luck in the sexual partners you've had. I've only ever been with partners who have enthusiastically given their all to make sex just as much about me as about them.

Of course there are men who are lazy and selfish in bed- I've been horrified to read some women's experiences on Mumsnet. Maybe similar experiences have soured you on sex and you've not yet found someone who can show you that sex can and should be a wonderful experience for both people.

I'm 30 and I've been celibate for 2 years. I don't miss it and I too wouldn't be fussed if I never had sex again. It's always been a let down.

It sounds like you've been put off sex due to shit experiences. I've never once felt that sex is focussed on 'the man's pleasure'. Either you've been having bad sex with bad partners or you may be asexual. Being asexual doesn't mean you don't want any sex at all, you may just only be interested in having solo sex.

I'd say that you are an outlier, yes. Most people are bothered whether or not they ever have sex again.

I do orgasm from penetration, although not always, but I'd want to do it even if I didn't. I find it viscerally deeply satisfying.

It's hard to say if you're just disillusioned by men who are crap in bed or if you're asexual/have very low drive. This post will attract every woman on the site who isn't into sex, though.

I really enjoy sex and I orgasm relatively easily including from PIV. I suspect those two things are linked. I doubt I’d be very fussed about sex if I never or rarely had an orgasm and had a partner who cared whether I enjoyed it. But it shouldn’t be an option for your partners to allow their pleasure to be heavily favoured over yours. They get you off, through oral, hands, toys, or whatever you need, or there’s no more sex.

As you say you are probably, like a lot of people, not the exact norm, but I'd expect there is huge personal variation. It's not a topic I discuss with friends in detail to be hones, so my broader perspective (for better or worse!!) is mostly based on MN.

There is an interesting thread on relationships right now, posted by someone who has never had an orgasm (not alone, not with partner, never ever). I never knew that was a thing, and it goes to show how much variation there is!!

I don't orgasm easily through penetration, never have done. But DH is brilliant with his hands and oral.

If you're getting nothing or very little from sex I dont blame you at all OP. I absolutely wouldnt bother either.

I read an article (think it was in the guardian) where a husband and wife couple both felt like you. Neither were interested in sex. The dtd to conceive their children but otherwise didn't.

It was an interesting read.

Same same. I have a DP but I’ve had sex once since November 2016. I don’t miss it. It’s given me time to reflect on the fact that I’ve largely only had sex for reasons that are nothing to do with my own gratification - self esteem, validation, to prove I’m ‘fun,’ when I’m drunk. It’s rarely been because I purely want to have sex.

I’ve only ever had one good partner who cared about my pleasure more than his own, but I’m not with him anymore. I have excellent orgasms by myself and honestly, if I didn’t desperately want another baby, I’d happily never have sex with someone again. I feel like I probably am asexual tbh.

I love sex but it does make a big difference who your sexual partner is. I've...had quite a few so I know what I like and I know how much better it can be with a man who cares about the woman's pleasure. With the right man sex can be incredible.

im much the same as you op , i enjoyed when i was in my 20s and 30s ,but since then no iv been single now quite happily for the last nearly 12 odd years and i honestly can say i never miss it or even think about it . i seriously believe my sex drive is dead at the bottom of a very deep well somewhere and i dont give a shit , the way i feel about it now or rather lack of feeling is its a miracle i have a nearly teenage dd lol . but i really did enjoy it back then , it just seemed to gradually fade off to nothing ,

I feel the opposite because I love sex and orgasm from PIV. If anything for me it feels like my husband is very very very focused on my pleasure and enjoyment and I come first. Literally ha.

I could quite happily never do it again! Adore my DH and we have 4 kids so we've done it at least 4 times that's enough for me!

I'm similar, OP. I've had several partners, a couple of whom did focus on me a lot, but I'm just not arsed about sex. I don't orgasm from penetration. My bf's dick is 16cm circumference and it just hurts me. But I love the intimacy and I love my bf so it is a small price to pay.

I don’t think you’re an “outlier” at all OP - I know quite a few women who feel this way. It’s not that uncommon IMO. YANBU!

Since menopause l could happily never have sex again

Same here OP. It’s a chore that I feel I need to do from time to time with DH. I could totally live without it.

When people ask about the worst chore you do I always think sex.
I honestly do not think it's because I'm with the wrong partner, I've thoroughly test driven the alternatives and if anything those that care more for my pleasure are worse because it takes longer. There is no reason for this, I've not been mistreated and I don't feel something is wrong with me, its just how I am. I don't feel taken advantage of but I do see sex as a trade off now. I'm happy to oblige my partners interests, he is happy to oblige mine. I'm sure if he never looked around another art gallery or visited a beach he would be delighted but he does because he loves me and wants to share in my interest. I do the same.

Same here. I’ve never orgasmed, ever, and feel so little arousal that I think what’s the point? I’m married with one DC and he’s the only good thing to come from sex. I’ve been left with bad episiotomy scarring which usually causes pain during intercourse so that’s just another slap in the face and I feel I’m just not meant to enjoy sex.

Years ago a sex therapist said my brain needed to “be turned on to the idea of sex” but after she made some disparaging remarks to my face (called me weird, odd and strange after I answered some of her questions), I never went back.

A few years ago I read a BBC News article about asexuality and it was a lightbulb moment, for many reasons so many things in my life suddenly became clear. This is a secret I will take to my grave though - I am a shy and reserved person and I simply could not cope with people’s judgement of me.

I get you. I enjoy sex in the early lust of a relationship but after a couple of years it just becomes a chore.

I orgasm most times but tbh I’d rather just do it myself as it takes less than a minute compared to all the faffing with sex. I usually get into it once I get going / enjoy the feeling after, but it’s probably on a par with going to the gym....

I'm with you, OP.

I don't lack interest in sex full stop, but standard intercourse is a chore.

Left to my own devices, I'd likely never bother again.

If you can do it solo then I don't really understand how you haven't taught anyone else or at least done it for yourself in company of an enthusiastic partner. I guess you've had bad luck with selfish unskilled partners.

Same OP.

I'm late 30's and would happily never have sex again.

I've had a lot of sex but can not orgasm through it.
I can only do through a vibrator.
Twice in my life ive managed an orgasm with my fingers. But no partner has ever managed it.

I enjoyed sex as I loved the attention, power and feeling sexy.

Now I'm married and had DC's i feel very different about my body and don't feel sexy so dont want to have sex.

I put myself through sex every few weeks or so with my DH. Luckily his sex drive isn't wildly high.

hi to the friend who i know likes mumsnet and has listened to me say this exact thing

I’m with you OP. I will happily have PIV because my partner enjoys it and we do other things I get off from but I also can’t see what all the fuss is about tbh