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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask if you would be upset about this group chat situation?

183 replies

BlackBucketOfCheese · 11/03/2021 21:52

I’m in a group chat with loads of women who did the same degree. We all went on to do the same kinds of jobs and often need support as it is very stressful. It is nice having a group who understand the work situation and the terminology and they have always been a very supportive group with no in fighting and lots of great, sisterly, fun, feminist chat. We are a close group.

During the pandemic the group has thrived and we have all helped each other out in a variety of ways. From home birth emergencies, child care, financially, picking up shopping, staying up to talk through upsetting issues and generally getting each other through the days of the pandemic.

We have all mentioned how positive it has been and how much we have all gained from it.

Last week one of the women added her wife. And since then the group has all but fallen to pieces. She doesn’t understand the terminology (fair enough it isn’t her job) but it means a lot gets lost in translation or many of us have to explain detailed things which are impossible to understand fully without our training. The rest of us can use an
acronym and we all understand.
The worst part of it all is they have back and forth couple-y chats all the time. I’ll pick up my phone and see dozens of WhatsApp messages and they are between this couple discussing what to have for dinner or what on telly.

Many of us also discuss very personal things which we would only share with people we know - rape, miscarriage, marital issues, work troubles and now we have this stranger inserted into our conversation.

Most other conversation has dried up and a life line to that sisterly gang seems to have broken off.

My DH thinks I’m being unreasonable to be upset about this, AIBU?

OP posts:
B33Fr33 · 11/03/2021 22:03

Why on earth did she add her wife? Is her wife insecure? I'd tackle it head on that they need to discuss their household arrangements separately.

BlackBucketOfCheese · 11/03/2021 22:06

She added her because “she loves chats with girls and has the same humour.”

OP posts:
sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 11/03/2021 22:08

YADNBU Can one of you say jokingly 'get a room, you two! Or just talk to each other as you live in the same house?'

It's not on to totally disrupt a group dynamic like that.

Cakepop9 · 11/03/2021 22:09

This is the kind of thing that would make me so upset. Why on earth does she need to insert a new person into an already established dynamic. I feel for you. Your original group sounds amazing. Now it’s awkward. Do you know if any of the other members feel the same as you? Might someone speak up?

MrPickles73 · 11/03/2021 22:10

Start a new grew with thee other people?

Cookiedough123 · 11/03/2021 22:10

I wonder if the wife is maybe a bit jealous of this big group chat and wanted to 'join to get involved. I would make a new group and just not add them two. As much as I would say be honest in the chat, I know I am soft and wouldn't like to hurt someone's feelings!

EiffelPower · 11/03/2021 22:12

Yep, new offshoot group

BendingSpoons · 11/03/2021 22:12

That's really weird and even more weird to have chats between the two of them! How many are in the group? It's tempting to start a new group without them but I can see that would be tricky.

partyatthepalace · 11/03/2021 22:15

That is such a weird thing to do, and even more to start to have private chats on it. Start an offshoot group with a couple others, and then just invite people to come over. It sounds too precious to loose.

Notaroadrunner · 11/03/2021 22:15

Could a few of you add your Dh's? This will probably bring an end to the group. Then one of you can start up the original again and suggest it's just for the college group as partners didn't seem to understand the terminology etc.

Howshouldibehave · 11/03/2021 22:17

That is really really bizarre!

Do you know if any of the others find it odd-I’d start a new group with them!?

SnarkyBag · 11/03/2021 22:18

I would start messaging some of the others individually I’m sure it won’t be long until you find others who feel the same way. Maybe set up a second group under the guise of it being for “shop talk” and say you thought it would be better for her wife not to have to listen to all that side of the chat and then steer the new group back to personal chat.

PicsInRed · 11/03/2021 22:19

I would suspect the partner wanted to be added to ensure her partner (your friend) lost an independent support system.

Start a new group, friends only.

MeanyJoany · 11/03/2021 22:20

Did she just add her first without asking the rest of you first?? I would hate this!

BlackBucketOfCheese · 11/03/2021 22:24

Did she just add her first without asking the rest of you first??
She asked and only two replied with “yes, if it isn’t too couple-y” everyone else was silent because honestly, if they are like me, they probably just felt too awkward to say “no that’s really weird”.

There are 12, now 13 of us in the group.

I did think about the rest of us adding partners too.

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 11/03/2021 22:24

That's really odd. I'd have to say something. I think a breakaway group is underhand and would be potentially very upsetting to the one who was left behind.

Big girl pants. Talk to her and suggest wife is removed as chat is for group only not partners

SingToTheSky · 11/03/2021 22:24

Ugh that would annoy me too. I would definitely message some others to see if they feel the same.

2020iscancelled · 11/03/2021 22:26

Well you have 3 options

Don’t do anything and the group will die a death as you’ve already noticed

Send your friend a private message and say hey your wife is lovely but it really has derailed the chat dynamic, I don’t want to cause a rift but I also don’t want to lose our special bond and safe space for us all. Be honest and say her joining has changed the dynamic of the group.

Start up an offshoot group and leave them out.

Obviously options 2&3 may well end up with the friend feeling alienated and upset but she’s going to feel that anyway when she realises that people have stopped engaging because of her and wifey.

It comes down to if you feel you can be honest with her and itll be taken in the right way or if she’ll get super offended and all hell will break loose.

Id be upset and I’ve had things like this happen with group chats which started off just close, likeminded friends and descended into toxic cesspits when fringe people were invited Willy nilly

MeanyJoany · 11/03/2021 22:27

Oh wow that's awkward and annoying!! I don't envy you getting out of this without someone being pissed off 😕

WonkyCactus · 11/03/2021 22:30

Who set up the group and is the main admin? I'd be strongly tempted to just remove her. Yes, it's rude but then so was adding her in the first place. You might have to change the settings then so she can't be added back in by her wife if she remains in the group.

Laeta · 11/03/2021 22:31

As PP suggested all of you add your dps and then create a new "work" group.

Or ask her to remove her dp, as it's changed the dynamics of the group.

Rather she be pissed off than you all lose the amazing support network you have. Which you all need in these challenging times.

Have you even met her dp?

Unsuremover · 11/03/2021 22:33

Every group chat has a secret group chat as well, for variations of this situation. Set up a new one minus those too and remember to add the odd message to the original chat so they don’t suss.

BlackBucketOfCheese · 11/03/2021 22:36

Have you even met her dp?

We all went to their wedding and have met her maybe half a dozen times. She is lovely and I’m actually fairly friendly with her, in that we are both obsessed with dogs so we message photos back and forth. However she isn’t a close friend, I wouldn’t share details of my miscarriage in a group that doesn’t include close friends.

OP posts:
Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 11/03/2021 22:42

Eek that's awkward. Your friend has behaved really oddly and quite poorly by adding her wife. Is her wife very needy or jealous, do you know? Why she would be so desperate to join a group where she understands or can relate to so little is bizarre...unless she's needy/controlling and trying to keep tabs on her wife? I'd be mighty pissed off by this as she has completely changed the dynamic and has basically turned your valuable and confidential strong friendship and support network into something like Facebook. Texting within the group about what they're having for dinner is tedious and childish and attention seeking behaviour. I think I'd see how the others feel about starting a new group and let the old one fizzle out, but you will probably end up being seen as the bitchy ones if/when your friend and her wife find out about it. I don't envy you in this situation at all.

Gottalovesummer · 11/03/2021 22:42

I had this albeit in a smaller group. The person added was much younger than the rest of us and it totally changed the dynamic as there were things we just couldn't carry on discussing.

One of the others set up another group with all existing members and leaving out the new younger member. Nothing was really said about it and we carried on chatting as before in the new group.

I think your friend was extremely rude in adding her wife. As was the person in my group who added their younger relative.

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