to ask if you would be upset about this group chat situation?

[BlackBucketOfCheese]

I’m in a group chat with loads of women who did the same degree. We all went on to do the same kinds of jobs and often need support as it is very stressful. It is nice having a group who understand the work situation and the terminology and they have always been a very supportive group with no in fighting and lots of great, sisterly, fun, feminist chat. We are a close group.

During the pandemic the group has thrived and we have all helped each other out in a variety of ways. From home birth emergencies, child care, financially, picking up shopping, staying up to talk through upsetting issues and generally getting each other through the days of the pandemic.

We have all mentioned how positive it has been and how much we have all gained from it.

Last week one of the women added her wife. And since then the group has all but fallen to pieces. She doesn’t understand the terminology (fair enough it isn’t her job) but it means a lot gets lost in translation or many of us have to explain detailed things which are impossible to understand fully without our training. The rest of us can use an
acronym and we all understand.
The worst part of it all is they have back and forth couple-y chats all the time. I’ll pick up my phone and see dozens of WhatsApp messages and they are between this couple discussing what to have for dinner or what on telly.

Many of us also discuss very personal things which we would only share with people we know - rape, miscarriage, marital issues, work troubles and now we have this stranger inserted into our conversation.

Most other conversation has dried up and a life line to that sisterly gang seems to have broken off.

My DH thinks I’m being unreasonable to be upset about this, AIBU?

I totally get it, changing the dynamic too, and Wife sounded very lovely and understanding. Hopefully the friend will calm down and see it for what it is 🌺

Seems a bit blown out of proportion to me if you actually liked the woman. She would probably have known about everything you were talking about anyway through her wife. A group of 12 is hardly an "intimate" group so I can't see why it would have made a major difference. While it was a bit awkward for the friend to add her wife - was it really worth losing her friendship over? Juvenile behaviour all around IMO.

You’re obviously entitled to your opinion but I disagree.
We are a tight group, we have been through ups and downs of weddings, work issues, pregnancy, baby loss, legal issues, two of us losing partners, divorce, infertility, cheating and much more.
We get to say who we share that with. If a friend feels that we have been unfair in wanting to choose who we share intimate details and vulnerabilities of our lives with, then perhaps our friendship wasn’t up to much all along.

I am sorry that you feel your friends should share their deepest thoughts with your partner.

DP and I are both women, but we have always had ‘girls nights’ etc with our own friends. Not every group of women needs to be open to every woman.

I’d maybe leave your friend to cool off for a few days, and then reach out individually to see if she’d be interested in rejoining the group (without her wife)

OP, you have almost unanimous support on your thread. I don't know why you're focusing on those who seem to have missed the point?

You've handled a bad situation as well as you could.

I think this is a perfectly good outcome. Get back the 2 people who left (not wife adder and wife)
Now your group has 11 of the original 12. It is what it is. Maybe dome day, wife adder will come back, maybe she won’t. That’s her problem.

I'm glad you said something and it's now gone back to the kind of group you can diaclose to. Perhaps add the friend that left in a weeks time, but not her wife. Of course adding partners changes the whole dynamic. I wouldnt freely talk in front of friends partners, because they're not my friends.

@HappyasLaura

I think this is a perfectly good outcome. Get back the 2 people who left (not wife adder and wife) Now your group has 11 of the original 12. It is what it is. Maybe dome day, wife adder will come back, maybe she won’t. That’s her problem.

I agree with Laura - it’s a good outcome. Maybe wife-adder will take some time to reflect and come back to the fold, maybe she won’t. The blunder was hers...it is what it is.

I thought it would be as you've now described, the wife added and wife thought it'd be fine because shes a woman, not realising that to the rest of you it's about a group who confide in each because of the situation not because the fact you're all female. It's a shame they don't see things in the same way as the rest of you. It's a shame but of that's what the rest of you feel comfortable with, it is what it is.

If they cluttered up the chat with their personal lives anyway it sounds like they aren't receptive to or aware of the group dynamic anyway. Sounds like they're a bit insular in their own world...