to ask if you would be upset about this group chat situation?

[BlackBucketOfCheese]

I’m in a group chat with loads of women who did the same degree. We all went on to do the same kinds of jobs and often need support as it is very stressful. It is nice having a group who understand the work situation and the terminology and they have always been a very supportive group with no in fighting and lots of great, sisterly, fun, feminist chat. We are a close group.

During the pandemic the group has thrived and we have all helped each other out in a variety of ways. From home birth emergencies, child care, financially, picking up shopping, staying up to talk through upsetting issues and generally getting each other through the days of the pandemic.

We have all mentioned how positive it has been and how much we have all gained from it.

Last week one of the women added her wife. And since then the group has all but fallen to pieces. She doesn’t understand the terminology (fair enough it isn’t her job) but it means a lot gets lost in translation or many of us have to explain detailed things which are impossible to understand fully without our training. The rest of us can use an
acronym and we all understand.
The worst part of it all is they have back and forth couple-y chats all the time. I’ll pick up my phone and see dozens of WhatsApp messages and they are between this couple discussing what to have for dinner or what on telly.

Many of us also discuss very personal things which we would only share with people we know - rape, miscarriage, marital issues, work troubles and now we have this stranger inserted into our conversation.

Most other conversation has dried up and a life line to that sisterly gang seems to have broken off.

My DH thinks I’m being unreasonable to be upset about this, AIBU?

I can't get over the fact a married couple are discussing their own lives a) on whatsapp and b) in a group chat! How strange....

In our work group chat (which isnt the same type as we mainly discuss shift swaps and work stuff) someone usually says something if things get too chatty or becomes more personal discussions. One of the group should chip in with "take your dinner/house chats elsewhere" sounds like it's gone too far now though sadly...

Very annoying I agree @BlackBucketOfCheese Starting a new group seems like a good idea, but as a few people have said, it's probably best to be honest, as it won't take the woman and her wife long to figure out you are all in a new group. Someone needs to tell her the personal chat with her wife, should be kept to a private chat of their own...

It is very annoying though...

It's like occasionally I put a facebook post up, say 'eee it's windy here today' and Jane will say 'here too Patti.' Then Alison comes on and says 'the ariel on my roof blew down last night as it was sooo windy.' Then Jane says 'ooh we had a new ariel some monhs ago, I will give you the guy's number.' Alison says 'ooooh ta Jane,' and then a huge conversation ensues between them on my post on MY facebook page.

Same happens on twitter. 2 people having a conversation between themselves on my tweet.

I even had 2 people once (unfriended them several years ago, an old neighbour and an ex colleague; I will call them Lyn and Lisa...) They had never met, and were not even on each other's friends list. They lived 2 miles apart but had never met.

They started chatting on a post of mine, and chatted for about an hour.. DOZENS of messages on my post. Lyn asked Lisa if she wanted to meet for a coffee, and Lisa said 'yeah great!' Then Lyn said 'actually, I am having a barbeque tomorrow for my son's 10th birthday, d'ya wanna come? I will pm you my address.'

She never asked me. I wasn't bothered as I wouldn't have gone anyway, but I thought 'what a fucking cheek!' I deleted my post and it deleted all their messages too, but they had added each as friends.

I thought it was such cunty behaviour, that I unfriended them both, and blocked them. IDGAF if anyone thinks it was petty. I thought it was fucking rude.

Oooooops, that was a bit of a rant sorry!

I don't like the idea of excluding wife-adder. She's made a mistake - and she should have the chance to correct it.

I wouldn't add my husband to anything, or take him anywhere with me meeting friends, but I'm not in that situation. Wife-adder must have had a reason and she needs to address that herself and have the opportunity to restore the group.

Off-shooting without her sounds off. Because it is.

@Ikora

I bloody hate the whole couple chatting in group chats crap, it’s like they need to let everyone know they are a couple, newsflash everyone already knows as your married.

It was hugely unreasonable. Start a new group.

It is annoying isn't it?! It's like the equivalent of a couple walking around in public, holding hands and smooching and cuddling. (So everyone knows they're a couple, and they LURRRVE each other sooo much!)

Or a couple having very loud sex in the house, (ya know, just so everyone knows they're shagging.)

Or the couple who do the hideously grotesque 'gushing over one another' on facebook. 🤢

@CustardyCreams

Definitely everyone else add partners, and simultaneously set up a new for work-y chat,. Make sure you do post on both groups - “oh I saw this on Netflix, had to recommend it” vs the work/private stuff on the other chat.

I would also note, your friend has is very likely been sharing all your private chats with her partner, and thought, you know what she may as well just join.

Yeah this is probably the easiest solution. The DHs probably won't have any interest in joining but they might agree for moral support

If people have started leaving, something is brewing already!

I’d definitely message the 2 that have left, otherwise you’ll find that there’s already a new group being set up and you may Ben up being left out of it.

Your friend asked if her friend could join. Only two people answered and they said yes.

It's your own fault, all eleven of you! You could have said from the start, no sorry, we dont want partners in the group because it will change the dynamic.

And she would have to cope.

It's a bit late but I think you have to message your friend to tell her what's happened and to get the wife off. Think of it as upsetting two people but making eleven people relieved and delighted.

Very very odd!

Good on the members leaving , do keep us in the loop because I am invested

I belong to a group like this. It’s been going 15 years, I’d be upset if anyone added anyone else. No you are not bu.

Why don't you start a new group and explain that this one is for you 12, and stay in the group with the wife too?

You could say that as wife was added it changed the dynamics and you think everyone will benefit from just a group of 12.

@BlackBucketOfCheese

I woke up this morning to raise it and it had been a lot of the two of them sharing links to various houses on Rightmove (Tbf we do often drool at property in the group but this was different) and two of the other members had left. I feel like something is brewing because one of them keeps typing a message to me on WhatsApp and then deleting it.

So message her, she probably feels like you but is afraid you don't!

@Chamomileteaplease

Your friend asked if her friend could join. Only two people answered and they said yes.

It's your own fault, all eleven of you! You could have said from the start, no sorry, we dont want partners in the group because it will change the dynamic.

And she would have to cope.

It's a bit late but I think you have to message your friend to tell her what's happened and to get the wife off. Think of it as upsetting two people but making eleven people relieved and delighted.

Must say I agree with this. You are all adults. You were asked a straight question and had valid reasons for saying, ' love your wife, she's brilliant, but this isn't the right group to add someone new.'

You kept quiet and the result you silently predicted would happen, has happened.

Its time to find your voice and be honest that this isn't working.

Since two members have already left you know you’re not alone in how you feel.

From what you’ve said about not speaking up when the woman asked if her wife could join, you’re not the most confrontational person. I think if you can’t be so direct the next time they do something couple related like talking about dinners etc just ask if they meant to send that private. (As a side note I don’t get when couples do chats like that - they’re probably in the same house when doing it - do they think it’s charming?) Maybe making some subtle remarks like that will empower someone more bold to be more direct with them.

I agree with others though that it’s hard to resolve that situation without hurting someone’s feelings. Maybe the wife was going through some things and felt lonely and obviously doesn’t mean to upset the dynamic as she doesn’t fully understand it.

I’d write something to the people who left the group and ask them if they want to set up a new group for the originals.

Leave that group and set up a new group without partner. Can you set it so only the group admin can add new people?

I’d definitely message the one who keeps starting to message as they are probably feeling a bit weird and not knowing how to phrase it either. I do think you should be up front and speak to the person involved but that’s me because I am not one for behind scenes gossip. I’d message her privately and say that it’s become uncomfortable in the group chat because of the wife (who you all think is lovely, but it’s weird them chatting couple things on the group work chat) so does she want to remove wife from that one or shall you start a new work related one?

This would make me so cross.

Start a new group, definitely. You start it, then you're admin and you don't have to admit anyone else.

I admin a similar group, we're a huge bunch of oversharers and once I had got it all established and we all knew each other I put a post on saying 'right, we've got our group, shall we agree not to add anyone else now?' everyone agreed and is not add anyone new now. It would alter the dynamic!

@BlackBucketOfCheese

I woke up this morning to raise it and it had been a lot of the two of them sharing links to various houses on Rightmove (Tbf we do often drool at property in the group but this was different) and two of the other members had left. I feel like something is brewing because one of them keeps typing a message to me on WhatsApp and then deleting it.

I’d originally been of the ‘breezy message announcing strictly shop talk extra group’ school of thought - but after this update, I think you have to say something. Maybe along the lines of:

‘Hi Karen and Sharon - I don’t want to be a pain, but my phone is pinging every two minutes at the moment, and a lot of it is because you’re chatting about what to have for dinner or when you’re going to view a house. Could you maybe just stick to messaging each other about that? You’ve probably noticed a couple of the others have left, and we don’t want the group to die off.

This group started as a ‘shop talk’ group, and I’m aware that’s probably very boring for you, Sharon! As it’s drifted quite a bit, I’ve set up a new group just for that. We’ll keep this one for casual chat, for all the group.’

That’s so sad that two have already left. Do message them - make it clear you aren’t happy with how the group is, so they know you aren’t messaging to have a go.

Actually, create a group chat with just the three of you - specifically to discuss this - then you could gradually add others to it?

Message them, anyway. Don’t let one gate crasher ruin what seems like a brilliant group you’ve been so lucky to have 💐

There's something weird about this - why are they using the group for private stuff between them? Feels oddly ostentatious.

Has there been an issue where she feels she doesn't fit in with the group or her relationship has been judged? I don't mean you've done this, just that that's how she might perceive it?

It's your own fault, all eleven of you! You could have said from the start, no sorry, we dont want partners in the group because it will change the dynamic.

Tbf the rest of us were all on shift (in different hospitals across the country), so didn’t read it. The wife was added to the group within minutes of asking.

I messaged both of the people who left and they had left for exactly this reason.
We have agreed that we will bring it up this weekend when the majority of the group isn’t working, that way we can be honest and up front without any talking behind backs.

I think are all admins to the group (although I assume the person who set the group up must be the main admin?) and the two who have left have been re-added.

I should add that a few of us did think about raising it when she was added without all/the majority of us replying but honestly it was really awkward.

I’m usually fine with certain amounts of confrontation but in this situation I have been too upset about losing this support network by rocking the boat.
I know that sounds immature, I will happily hold my hands up to that. This group got me through some really desperate times and I have been afraid.

I’m going to say that this weekend.

unsure

Every group chat has a secret group chat as well, for variations of this situation. Set up a new one minus those too and remember to add the odd message to the original chat so they don’t suss.

I think that's a bit sneaky if people have separate groups which don't include all members.

This situation however is a bit different. I think someone needs to say something.